I'm needing A Fix.
I'm low on this Glow.
I'm sadend, Feel weakened.
I'm coming down slow.
I'm feeling My feelings
Tired From Sleepless
Hungry from starving
Feeling from numbing.
Baby I'm sorry!!
I'm urging to wan it.

I know Better Than To not Trust myself.
Temptations Have been So Strong Lately.
Arguments With My Bf Always Trigger me.
I Battled 2yrs Of Hard Urges. Even Once drunk My Bf Threw Money at my face saying to Go Get High Like the Addict I've been.
Last Week, I felt so weak.
I Gave In, I took The risk.
I Got High. I Got Away With it, no one suspected. It Felt Great.. Too great.
Other times I Relapsed i Instanly Went back to My Addict Form and Got sent away to treatment.
I promised Myself Just this once.
Knowingly knowing I Failed Other Times.
Well I'm On Day 4 Of No sleep, Day 5 of consuming Tweak..
I've Been Trying to Act Casual.
But I've been Avoiding Eye contact With everyone. I've been Isolating, afraid To get caught but all I'm doing his Giving hints that Someghings Wrong.
Anyways, I'm Scared & Worried.
When I'm Reaching The comedown I Fein To Use More. Today's The Day ive Ran out.
I'm a few Minutes To An Hour Away From Coming Off it. I Hope To hold Strong And Not Hit up My connect .
There is More negative Than happiness in my life. I hope to Reason And find something To hold on to and help me not fall .

Throughout My life.
I've Created Another.
Gave Birth To A mind Who I let have the  time to learn, explore &
Grow within me.
It's Scary.
it Eventually Had The power To Live My life And take control over the real Me.
It gained Streghth & power.
It blinded Me To See Reality.
It Placed me in new surroundings , gave me new thoughts and a Different state of Mentality.
All in Which I Felt Was Always Me
I Didnt See The New life I lived.
I Saw everything The Same.
I didn't see Any change.
Idk How to correctly explain.
It never Went through my Head That I've changed. I never noticed How Unsual Everything turned.

I Found Evidence.
Proof That it's Not me Doing This purposely.  
Evil does Exists.
I believe People Have 3 Sides.
Good, Bad, Undecided.
I believe These Sides Have the ability to Turn You Into Someone Els Without You Noticing.
I Also Believe "An Addict"
"A ******" "a non believer" And "A religious Person" Are Something Aside The real life You.
It's Another Mind Placed By What ever Higher power.
I have 2 Life's in Me.
Real Me & Addict Me.
They Both Have a real Life.
They can Feel, Think & Decide.
Can Move, Control And Have A voice of Their own.

I Lost Focus.
Thank god i noticed
I snapped out of it.
My mind Was
Transforming rapidly.
The Addict in Me Was Taking over.
So sneaky, ****** Tricky.
It Blinded Me.
Its power is Devloping.
I felt it Take control of me!
It was So crazy.
I felt the devil try to Make its way Fully into me.
I Can't Believe I Let My Self truly believe The Thoughts, Decisions And actions I've been Taking Were Normal. More like i didn't realize I was letting it happen.
my Mind Didn't see Or Capture What I've Doing Is horrible.
I was letting it slide As if it were any regular thing.
I'm So confused, I Don't remember A Thing.
Don't remember Allowing myself To do These bad Things ...

I'm Troubled. I'm Slipping Back.
I need To Act Fast.
I Don't even Reason With My mind or contemplate On That.
I Promised Just once .
Then I Told my Self
"Another won't hurt."
Next I Said i Can
Control The routine.
Tweak, Sleep, Eat.
I already messed up, Im on
Tweak tweak tweak.
It escalated Quickly .
Not even With ******* Did i Fall That Easy?
Im not even thinking about the consequences .
Is it or did i already
get out of hand

Physically And chemically Addicted is One thing.
Being mentally Addicted
Is Another.
I'm A Smart Girl.
Unfortunally I'm clever For what's opposite of Good.
I've been Addicted Chemically.
So Hooked I felt I Needed to Get High To continue Breathing.
I needed A fix everyday To function in life.
I've been addicticted Emotionally.
Every time I Felt Some sort of sadness. I needed to Take
A hit or do A line.
I didn't want to deal with my problems or feel Upsetting emotions.
Ive been Addicted Physically.
I Was Inlove With the routine of Fixing A Line. I Was obsessed With Packing, lighting , Melting and hitting the pookie. It all amazed me and I was stuck on The routine.
Im Currently Addicted mentally.
I consider this To Be
the worsest thing.
You see I've been Sober.
My minds constantly Reminding It's self About the good times.
I'm Always Coming across Things that Remind me of getting high.
When I'm Unhappy, Thinking of dope gets me happy.
It's insane.
To Conpletly Stop This horrific cycle I must Work On Forgetting About It .
Need to learn not to reminisce.

I've Relapsed.
All due To my mentality.
It's clever ways Have made its sources To my Brain.
It Plans Scenerios Before it Plays

What Does The phrase mean?
It Means It got the best of me.
I Felt too weak.
Feel Hopeless, I'm on my knees.
******* Is not around, And I couldn't get a hold of My Leaking Roof. Everything Els is not strong enough to cure my broken heart.
I Gave In Once To The voices.
I Promised, Just This one.
It Did The Job And I went Numb.
I escaped my Reality.
Felt No sadness or misery.
I Was On For 3 Days.
Those Days I Was Relived .
It Cured Everything.
From head To toe I felt nothing.
It did Exactly What
I expected To Do.
I worried about nothing.

.
I'm So proud Of Myself.
Longest I've stayed sober on my own. No help, no treatment.
I'm nearing 3years in November.
How Amazing.
through Tough situations
I managed to Hold strong.
Through Hard Days I managed to keep my triggers in place.
It's been a difficult journey.
I put up with so much.
My heart Kept Beating strong.
Every day has been a battle.
Between
my addiction and sobriety.
Every day I Need To remind myself To stay away.
I might be Sober but my mentality is still ill.
The thoughts of Using Haunt me daily.
Thankfully I've Been Strong enough to push them away.
You have no idea how difficult it is. To Not relapse when you feel you should.

******* Left My life.
It was The Bestest substitute.
It Was Lowkey And unnoticeable.
It Was Too Much For So little.
Time, Amount & Quality.
My only helper To Stop My real cravings. It was the closest thing To Feel Amazing.
So Long ******* ..
Never want to see You again.