dedicated to the mirror of the shadow of my former self.

8:25 A.M.

step in late.
the eyes,
the eyes,
exceptional in eye shadow
find mine,
or perhaps i was looking for them,
and i realize
how distracted i’ve been
by my new summer coat,
but now
the eyes are relentless,
the eyes do not blink.
the eyes are omniscient,
the eyes will not sleep.
now that i’m
face to face with fate,
a captive to the eyes
that supposedly convinced me
that all
         faith
                       is
                        blind,
one half second suffices
to make hell
now something to be strived for,
and heaven twice the myth.

and near those eyes,
the face,
the face that infected a thousand consciences
stands by, silently
begging for a command,
its latest fix up on its favorite neurochemicals;
the face,
the face that screams satisfy
for the member that skull-****** a million subconscious desires!

or,
       perhaps,
         he’s a mirror.

9:05 A.M.

and i, the mind,
the only man wearing a collared shirt
in this barren company,
plead for recognition;
to make an impression;
to grab the attention,
scribbling in slang
for hate
            or,
        perhaps,

            triu­mph!

the eyes
beam blistering illegitimacy
into the mind,
unawares and
unintentional.
i make the silent error.
still, the face
chokes out a weak
“hey,”
where there was once cold callous.

definitely a mirror:
opportune moment,
easy catch
while the eyes still wonder:
“standards?!
what the *hell are those?”

of all faiths, his
                 is
                            blindest.

12:00 P.M.

away,
away,
away, away,
unto the scarlet heat of day,
with winter boots on sunbaked clay,
away,
away,
away, away,
away, away, away
from malady of present way:
the lonely path, too late to pray,
“erode your blessing’s granite sway
away!”
away,
away, away.

but affectation stays not long
as the face has just found out,
contorted, cried, and bellowed shouts
and in the mind’s eye, belted songs.
first contact in eighteen months;
he says:

“it’s you, weakling, you
first source of all my pain!
worthless, worthless,
perverted, scheming,
evil source that
ruined my life!”
definitely a triumph.
“or
perhaps
enhanced it,”
say i.
“herman,
i observe
you’re not so weak
as once i thought,
and half as meek
as last time i heard you speak.
away.”
away,
away, away
unto much cooler, peaceful days.
for now, i’ll put my summer coat
away.


1:57 P.M.

step in late.
no eyes,
no eyes
filled with hate.
no fears,
no fears,
no heavy weight.
no tears,
no tears,
for the day grows late.
today i committed sacrilege:
i tried to sanctify this date.
today i blasphemed against the
holy human mind.
i eschewed the natural anesthetic of time,
and repented of a baseless crime.
the eyes,
the eyes are in my sight,
yet out of mind,
and cannot last for long,
for the many hands,
the hands that rip and tear asunder
will render limb from limb
so desperately trying to
save her from
each other!

The ****

muttered under breaths
of exasperation
is the language that you speak.

your life has become a series, unanswered
questions, curses, solitude.

you walk from dead end
to dead
end
crossing dark roads in between

as cars shine yellow eyes behind you
your shadow shrinking
swallowed by your footsteps
disappears
with the red taillights
fading into the distance

you are
lonely
yet
want to be
alone

you're angry,
angrily searching
for peace.

smoke rises from your parted lips
trembling
forming the lyrics
of that last rock record

it probably sold millions
your pain and frustration
caught in it

yet still

                                  no one understands.

Bright lights
Spinning rides,
The games for the prizes.
Next game,
    To the Next game.
Prize to prize.

You seemed so committed,
So serious about
Us.
Until You got what you wanted,
Then with her dark brown hair
brown eyes,
I found you with,
               I leave.
Then the next one,
      To the next one,
       To the next.  Is the game still worth the prize?

I have used up
pages
pages
pages
to reap
only frustration,

crossed out
word
after word
after word
phrases sentences stanzas
not knowing

why?

forcing verse to rise
from the dark waters of self doubt,
time and effort coax and tease
and tempt
and tug
and pull

yet pencil lead continues
to disappear
empty
on pages
nothing

but thick hard gray scratches,
second guesses
angry strokes

Voices hum from the towering trees,
inspiration hiding in a corner
running
mocking

and I listen
to myself
saying
                 
            I can't.

And all the poems that could have been
fold like smoke
tumbling
twisting
swallowi...

there’s this girl I used to know,
an old friend of mine,
she used to wear her hair in yellow ribbons
and watch the world through eyes so blue they made the ocean look faded.
she told me stories filled with “happily ever afters” and “prince charmings”,
and she believed in the power of God and she told me good always beats evil.
her long brown hair draped over her narrow shoulders like a cape,
and to me she was just as super as any hero ever could be.
she always said that there was a reason we were all here, and that
she was gonna find her reason and God was gonna give her his light.
I believed every word she ever said.
her daddy died when we was twelve years old, and I remember sittin’
with her and crying on her stoop, watchin’ the death limo take her daddy
away like he was a package that needed to be taken to heaven.
she stopped wearing those yellow ribbons after that, and she stopped tellin’ her
stories to me…that made me sad ‘cause nobody at my house ever told me stories.
her eyes stopped lookin’ at mine, and i just about forgot what color they were after a while.
she said that God wasn’t real no more, and that there was no reason to take her daddy like that.
I couldn’t think of a reason either.
her hair stopped lookin like a cape, on the count of she cut it all off one day when
she was real sad.
she told me that she didn’t wanna live no more, and that she wanted to be with her daddy…..wherever he was.
she kept on livin’, but instead of her momma tuckin’ her in at night, Jack Daniels did.
she told me he made the pain go away, but I didn’t understand who he was and how he did it.
we were both too young to understand any of it, but I’ll never forget the day when her light finally came.
when we was fifteen I found her bleedin’ all over her bathroom, her pretty blue eyes rolled back, her hair messy and matted, and a pair a scissors in her hand.  
through all the blood, through all my tears, I saw her in a way I ain’t seen in years.
she looked so beautiful, the way I remembered her before her daddy got taken.
she looked at peace, like she couldn’t wait to get all wrapped up like a present and sent to heaven.
she was with her daddy, and hell, even though nobody else thinks it’s right, I believe that was God’s reason for her.

The willow branches limply tossed about
Dangle like a hang man’s noose
The frost tipped grass threatens you
Just so they can hear a crunch
The dark infinity of the sky
Seemed endless with broken,
Stained letters lying beside me
Noisily trying to escape gravity’s prison

I hate how every must be
By the book,
Between A and B,
Real,
As a kid I used to
Read that book
Walk on that faint line
Believe in reality

I loved it
It trickled into my body like water
Settling into my skin
I soon learned that nobody
Reads the book
Or connects the dots
Or really believes
At least not forever

So I let those letters
Free
To be dragged away
Into an endless sky

Anywhere.

Up,

unknowingly melting in with the blue,
filling baskets full of clouds.
Gather stars with my dream catcher,
drift with the passing feathers in the zephyr.

Down,
into my own little piece of Earth,
perhaps muffling the sound of
the city I long for,
hating with every passing second.
Feeling crushed in the safest way imaginable.

Away,
I feel smothered,
everyone cramming things
down my throat,
when I come back for more
you tell me no.

All I can see is wanderlust.

I cannot name an untarnished memory
Nor can I recite to you with an amiable fondness
All that you have introduced to me
Which I know can never be forgotten
Or ignored

Every time I’ve cried
For each childish, humdrum tear
You have sat upon my eyelids in wait
And braced yourself upon my lips
To catch them as they fall

My make-believe hero
My sunlight

As for leaving,
Love knows not of the word
But only of emptiness
For you can never truly leave someone
Who hasn’t let you go

What a sad thing it is

I am still here
And I’ve loved you every moment of it

A flash of light stifles my grief
Have you ever seen such brightness?
The individual strands of sorrow
Illuminated by a hidden thief
My darkness, your lightness

What sweet and careless madness
To know of joy and know it well
Tell me, are you happy here?
Or in perfection, plagued by sadness
Lonely where only your sanity dwells