I’m a complicated human, I’m far away from being sane
There’s no way I could show you or even explain
It’s been so long since I’ve even trusted someone new
I hurt myself sometimes, is that too much for you?
Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know your name
Because now you’re stuck on my mind and I’m not the same

Youth
Young, reckless, wild, and free
That’s what I’m supposed to be
Parties, hangovers, and coming home late at night
That’s what they say youth is all about
Impatient, medicated, and losing my patience
Tired of being treated as another mentally insane cases
Take another pill, medicate the broken soul
Knowing **** well that I’ll never be whole

It all starts with a feeling of pure fear and discomfort. Every day I swallow pills prescribed to make me happy but all they do is leave me more empty. The Serotonin and Dopamine deficiency is rooted deeper than the pills can reach.
Nobody knows what's going on inside of my head, and I've always wanted it to stay that way. But I’ve grown to realize that keeping my voice quiet will be the death of me.
I've got the kind of sadness you can't laugh away. I got the kind of exhaustion you can't sleep away. I got the kind of pain you can't medicate away. I got the kind of stress you can't drink away. Taking walks and yoga can't heal this. I sit in my bed all day counting down the hours until I can go to sleep. I lay awake staring at the roof until the room bathed in sunlight and I pressed replay. I lose myself for hours staring into the wall wishing I had the energy to pull the trigger I go for long walks lasting for hours in the end while chain-smoking to ease my thoughts I scream but at the bottom of the sea while drowning your words lose their meaning Nicotine and tar make me numb for long enough to catch my breath
Let me be
I’m a mess
I'm fragile, but not fragile like a flower
I’m fragile like a bomb
One wrong move and I blow up and destroy everything and everyone around me.
But I’m too far gone to care

Bruises black and blue on gray, is being alive worth the price?
For every time she surrenders herself and falls to her knees, a piece of her soul dies.
Trembling hands and pale white lips, she’s tearing at the seam.
Poison coursing through her veins contaminating every dream.
Shameful secrets, deceit, and lies, every day stuck on repeat.
Little girl, I pray that when this high has faded, your heart continues to beat.
Kept beneath the surface, self-doubt rooted and planted its seed.
Paint with silver, the ink blood red, bitterness started to breed.
She found her voice and revealed her pain in the stories she bleed to write.
She pushed her luck and went too far, No, she won’t sleep tonight.

I live in a world made of lies and delusion.
Where death is fake and pain an illusion.
Where cigarettes and liquor are good for me.
And I’m the happiest person I could ever be.
The drugs that I take are the cure for my heartache.
And I can’t die or get hurt, no matter what I take.
Nothing can hurt me in this fantasy bubble.
The fun never ends and I'm never in trouble

Stay away from me, don’t come here
Roses wither when I come near
I’m living on the edge of a knife
And everything I touch turns to ice
I promised you, I next time won't go back to who I were before you came around
But you know it's in my blood and my hands are tightly bound  
And if I fall into the water and once again sink down
Walk away from me and let me drown

I’m sorry I’m so needy, you don’t have a clue
I’m sorry how I always seem to need you
I'm sorry for how tired I always look, I haven’t been sleeping well
I’ve been staying awake thinking about how I ended up in hell
I’m sorry that for my apologies and when your not mad I get confused
I’m so used to that me speaking my mind leads to being abused
I can’t explain the tear stains in my secret poetry book, but you can still read them if you’d like to
I’ve never before met a person quite like you
I can drink coffee with you and talk about how we don’t fit in here
I can even endure watching that movie about Shakespeare
My life isn’t the best right now, but I’m trying my best and I hope you can see that
We can talk about how I want a dog but you prefer a cat
I can tell you what I know about psychology
If you pinky swear you’ll tell me what you learned in criminology
You should see my reaction when I see a dog or a baby
And I’ll let you listen to my favorite songs by Slim Shady
I don’t know how to do anything right and have a hard time coping
So please don’t go, I know I’m broken

There are a lot of things I do not dare to say
Like, the last time I trusted someone they walked away
I am terrified to really let someone in
Scared of letting someone see the scars deep within
I have been cut so many times before
I do not expect people to stay around anymore

Smile.
Cover it up, whatever you do, don't let it show  
Smile.
Don’t say it really ******* hurts, they don’t want to know
Smile.
Don’t let them see you are actually faking
Smile.
Smile even when you feel your heart is breaking

There are a few things I have by my bed at night except for a nightlight
Benzodiazepines, amphetamines, antidepressants, and a crafting knife
It might sound a bit ****** up, but sweetheart, that’s the story of my life
To stay alive I sold my soul and paid a high price

I have these thoughts in my head that keeps me awake
I got this feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake
They make me really question my own sanity
Is this really me who’s talking or is it just anxiety?
Is this just me or is there something more?
Because I can’t recognize myself anymore
I have thoughts so black that they stain my heart
So I no longer can tell me or the whispering voices apart

I wish I knew how to say what I;
WANT without being too scared;
TO be honest and say that I want to;
**** the sadness I feel inside of;
MYSELF that never leave;
BUT would you still look at me as if;
I never changed and say that you
DON'T want to lose me, that you
WANT me to stay in your life because
MY sadness doesn't change me from being a part of your
FAMILY
AND change that to being just
FRIENDS again, would you still say you want me
TO never leave you and always
BE by my side no matter how
SAD I am
I Want To **** Myself But I Don't Want My Family And Friends To Be Sad