Growing up, a “sorry” was the paper-thin line between “they didn’t scream too much today” or  “crying myself to sleep because it’s 3 am and we’ve been fighting for hours and I literally got nothing more to give”
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

Yelling triggers my anxiety so badly, it doesn’t matter if you yell at me saying you just won a million dollars, I’ll still cry. My parents screamed at me until I was scared they’d hurt me
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

I can’t stand people trying to touch my face, I flinch and try to get away. That’s what happens when someone’s touch once left marks
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

If I were to tell my parents about how ******* tired I was of living they’d just tell me to stop overreacting. That’s why I ignore my mental health until I’m literally dead inside
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

When someone asks me something it’s super hard for me to say “yes” or “no” because whatever I would answer I would either get called “spoiled” or “ungrateful”. And due to my parents forcing and shaming me to say “thank you” it’s now super hard for me to say it
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

My parents used to leave me on read because they got “tired of dealing with me and my overdramatized feelings”, that’s why I freak out when I’m left on read
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

But I’m still a work in progress
And I might never be ready

I'm drowning but acting like nothing's wrong
I'm sick of being alive, I've been alone for so so long
I'm sorry for saying sorry every single second of the day
I swear, always mean well but keep ******* up what I say
I know for a fact that I'm easily replaceable
I'm aware that to my friends, I'm erasable
I’m always the one walking behind my friends alone
I’m sure they wouldn’t even notice if I went home

I know I should really take them, I have had trouble sleeping lately
And another trip to the mental ward can affect my grades greatly.
They prescribed Imovane and said “don’t take them in vain.
But they forget to say if I do not take them I may go insane

Am I looking for something I will never find?
Have the screaming in my head made me lose my mind?
I still ask myself how I could be so blind?
Why did I turn so bitter and quit being kind?

When I was young I was scared of being in bed
The monsters below me, they wanted me dead
But as time went on and I got old
I realized the lies in the stories they told
So I am no longer scared of those under my bed
Because the scariest ones are the ones in my head

i planned my suicide last night
It gave me a sense of feeling alright
I planned to take my pills and let them take effect
I have like 500 or 600 of them last time I checked
No more having to lie when I say “I’m okay”
Because I planned my suicide to happen today

If I had to describe attachment in one sentence. I’d call it “a car crash in slow motion”. You can’t control it, you can’t stop it, it creeps up on you until it’s too late to pump the brakes, you know it’s coming and it’s going to ******* hurt. And if it doesn’t **** you, you are gonna wish it did.
Now. You need to prepare yourself for the most horrible heartache you have ever felt. You are gonna miss them like ******* crazy. Getting over it might take up to 1 year. 6 months if you’re lucky.
Now, Are you ready for the next “hi” and “goodbye”?.
~ A.S 15.05.20 ~

I'm not fine, not even okay
My anxiety holds me down forcing me to obey
Having the world on your shoulders is harder than I'm prepared to go through
Being looked down at and pushed to the limit for what I'm capable to do  
How on earth will I ever be okay again
Will I ever go back to who I was, will I ever be able to break these chains
It's holding me down to pieces and breaking me apart
I wish I could go back, I wish I could just push the restart
All my friends say that I could take something to fix it just a little bit
**** it, I wish it, I wish it was as simple as they picture it
It's slowly eating me, killing me inside until there's nothing here to fight for
Giving my all just to lose it again, lying crying on the bathroom floor
And no matter how much I try to keep a clear sight
The demons hold me back and it's getting harder to fight
To not know who you are, fighting my best not to fall apart
To have a soul full of scars and looking for the remedy for the broken heart
To not know who you will become when all ends, will I still be the same as when it all began?
Will I still be the old me that never bends?
To not know how you will manage everything
To have to go through hell and not be able to do anything
To not know if you have the power to say what you feel
And to be called a child and to have no own will
To be called too young to know what’s best for myself
That “You're too young to take care of yourself”
But if y'all knew what's inside of my head
You’ll regret everything you ever said

If I spiral, will you distract me from my own mind?
If I get manic, will you listen to my endless rantings?
If I get suicidal, will you convince me to don’t give up?
If I lose hope, will you count all my reasons to keep going?
If I lose my way, will you walk with me home?
If I lose my vision, will you be my eyes?
If I get anxious, will you reassure me and let me know I’m loved?
If I needed someone, could I come to you?

The only one who really stays is the demons in my head, they are the only company I have. (I'm back, missed me?)
They are the only one who understands me. (I see your pain)
I don't even try to shut them out anymore, they can scream all they want, I still don't care. (Just wait)
I've tried so hard, **** I’ve given it my all, all these years going round and round a carousel, I want to go off but there is no exit. I am always doing my very best but it's still not enough, I'm never enough, I can always do better. I can push it a little bit closer to the edge, just a little bit closer. I'm almost there,I can see it, I need success, not a failure, I fall. (You are a mistake, no one loves you, why don't you go and **** yourself huh?)
I wish I could stop and be normal but I can't and believe me I’ve tried, I’ve tried to not be Me. (I am a part of you and you can never escape me, fear me)
I've tried not to be too passionate about what I love doing (Three hours straight isn't a too long time, come one, you like doing this)
I try not to get lost in my own head (Oops, I accidentally have woken a memory you've fought so long to forget, enjoy)
I try to not let my feelings overflow (are you sad? let's make it a double)
I try to not hate you (I love you)
Because I really do love you (I hate you)
You are the worst human I've ever met and I never wanna see you again (Don't leave me)
I love you more than I love anything else (Don't touch me)
It's always like that, black or white, never grey (I see you)
There must be a serious problem with me but I don't know how to fix it (I know, death)
I’ve tried it all (Failure)
Pills (take them all)
Talking to someone (They think you're a burden)
Take a walk (Someone is behind you, better have a panic attack)
Clear your head (I will never leave)
Breathe in and count to ten (I am all you got)
But oh dear god, I'm drowning again (I will save you)
My demons stay but you don't. (I love you)