My voice will never,
Reach the heights I wish it would,
It will never allow me,
To convince without fail,
That my words,
Match my meaning,
For long enough to live.

Falling from the skies,
Comes devastation,
Walls crumble,
As lives shatter,
In an instant.

Just out of reach,
The fires I long for,
Stretch for,
With breaking fingers,
Turning to dust.

Shards pierce skin,
As chaos spills into,
Restless streets,
Monuments mean,
Nothing to rivers of blood.

If there could be a clearer, more perfect breath than this
I would know it only through your lips
And though your whispers may not be pure
They cleanse a bleeding soul of past regret.

Could fear or failure keep me safer than this?
An edge, a line, not to stumble across
For I run from both into your arms but still
Arrive back here again.

Yellow joy,
Wrapped in holly green excitement.

Lavender hugs,
Wrapped in berry red love.

Blue tears,
Wrapped in black fear,
And thrown away,
For a while.

On the moor at midnight,
The stars above my head,
Shone high and bright.

And the lacklustre sound,
Of untrained singing,
Echoed around.

I marvelled at the full moon,
And smiled: "Merry Christmas"
It will be here soon.

For a year I have slaved,
As slave to my pen,
Or to my words,
Message
And form.

But not as an obedient servant.

I struggle,
Grapple with my master,
My monster.
To break from tra-
-dition.
To scream -  I AM NOT A MACHINE!

I do not write out of necessity,
Though at times,
Perhaps I feel I must.

No, I write with a purpose,
Far beyond keeping up appearances,
Or challenge,
Or obligation.

I write with the soul,
My sole purpose,
To speak truth from me,
To you,
In the most elegant,
Precise,
Graceful,
Way this language will allow,
My overactive mind,
To create.

And how far I've come!
What truths I have fashioned from,
Simple things,
Birds, trees, computer screens,
All inspiration to me.

But each time I picked up,
That pen or that laptop,
I opened another door,
Another chamber,
Another corridor of my mind.

And in searching for effect,
Or metaphors or riddles,
Found more meaning than could be,
Conceived by a thousand scholars.

I found something far more precious,
Far more elusive,
Than any moment of awe,
Or wonder,
Or disbelief.

I found myself,
And I continue to find myself,
And it is my only wish,
That through this pen,
These words,
Message,
And form,
I could help someone else do the same.

Am I strong enough?
Could I end everything I fought for?
Just for one last glorious,
Stab at the person I was,
The person I came to be,
The person I could never be but,
Taunted me so,
Close but sep-
-arated from reality,
Too perfect,
Too believable. No!

I could never be them,
How could I?
With my past as it is,
Tainted with betrayal,
Infused with fear,
Pain a part of my very core,
No.

I could never be them,
Never like any other,
My mind split like it was,
Never meant to be together in the first place,
All them around me never,
Understood. Never,
Tried to understand.  Never,
Changed, always the same.
No.

I could never be them.

Fingers flying,
As I watch the,
Flickering flame,
In the reflection,
Of these familiar,
Windows.

Creating melodies,
On a whim,
A feeling,
A chance at beauty,
Occasionally,
Revealing a delicate,
Flower of a moment,
Blooming so suddenly,
Dying just as fast.

Waiting before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
On the mildest last day before Christmas
I've ever known.

Pacing before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Rubbing my hands together
As if I was cold.

Looking before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Realising too slowly
She wasn't coming.

To most,
It meant little,
Enough to sound elegant.

But only four,
Understood,
Truly how hard it was,
To rest my fingers on those keys,
Calm my frantic heart,
And dive into song.

The taste of truth,
On my tongue,
And the silver silk of sorrow,
That was tied around my wrists,
Fell to the concert hall floor.

Hidden but not,
Enough,
For me,
A creature of night,
The light exposes,
Pulls away the cloak,
That keeps me from,
Hurting,
And forces me,
To face my fear,
And cope with my past.

I've lost hope again,
As so many times before,
But eyes opened now.