Could I?
Could I do it?
It's only everyone that I know,
And they don't look that hard at me,
Do they?
Would they even notice?
Almost certainly.
And it definitely wouldn't be forgotten.
But isn't that what I want?
Yes, but not like this.
But this way would be quicker,
This would get it out of the way,
And I'm tough, right?
And I have friends who'd keep me safe,
But still...
So many eyes, always.
Besides, I won't have time to prepare,
Nor the energy,
So for another day,
I won't.

Close my eyes and reality falls
Away to an abstract half-memory
The air has a shape now
It flows around my head
A soft purple twisting stream
Deflected so simply
Tumbling so easily and I
Am swimming with perfect breath
My head drifts, following lazy currents
The lavender strands frenzy as they pass
My flesh grows lines and traces
Graphs along its surface
That tickle my arms and face
In faded blue felt-tip.

I need a hand to touch me
To shatter all my bones
And show me I’m still living
Fragile, frigid, locked in stone
All I was or what I was meant to be
Was petrified into irrelevancy.

I need a chisel to strike
And change my fate
And open up my soul
To let out the mistakes
I need someone stronger to open my eyes
Only then can I start to rewind

I need the cracks to form
Around my body’s edges
Then I’ll be free
To tackle my own ledges
Make choice for myself and me alone
I wanna be more than a standing stone.

And I’m ready now to break myself in
And I’m steady now to stretch my new skin
Still I’m blacking out, the air’s growing thin
But I’m just ready to be broken.

Beneath the Earth we’re outnumbered by dead
Who’ve run out of voices to go to their heads
And the blood in their veins flow in our hearts instead
To keep our children fed.

A generation has fallen to pain
A broken species can’t keep itself away
But we keep on running though we can’t find our way
To build on yesterday.

But it’s no good blaming undertones
For a foreground that’s broken in half
It’s no use blaming understones
For our failure to make a new start
The dead aren’t just dead
They’re holding us to account
Their skeletal fingers are there in our hands
And they demand to know
Why we sacrificed their understones

Their bones are rotting
But we keep breathing
And ghosts keep pulling us down
Their eyes are gone
But still they see
Us cursing their graves - it was our fault anyway

Steady your hand against the rumbling of the tracks
Keep eyes focused on a moving goal
What people think doesn't matter but what you think they do does
Calm the waves around your boat
Smooth out the crumbling path ahead
Then run, bolt away,
Escape the current, whose drag is too strong
And hurry from here, this place of no choice,
Ignore the walls and they'll disappear
So sprint through them to reach your promised land -
- Your place for you.

Leaves flicker like static in the gasping summer sun,
The clouds are getting *****,
Bringing with them howls and hail,
But only a warning - for now - of months ahead,
For the leaves are still green,
The warmth just remains,
Clinging onto brighter times, the seasons frozen in place,
And soon out will come coats,
And with them hugs extend,
And hands linger in each other's,
For just a little longer,
These months ahead force us together,
Keep each other from the harsh chill,
As the elements become our elements,
Our fellows become our friends

Waiting, always, as I always have,
Once the suggestion floats across my mind,
Now it takes shape,
Becomes a hunger, a purpose,
To keep my heart busy,
So I replace my loneliness,
With the chance of its end,
A hollow promise to myself
That only she can fulfill,
But she will, I tell myself,
As I sit here and wait,
Wait for that clock to climb the second half of its face,
And to fall again into evening,
And into talking for hours
Along pointless tangents but still
With purpose: Another step, another moment.
Another smile, another laugh across her lips.

Something is...
I can't quite put a finger on it,
I'm grabbing where there should be a rope,
And I just fall.

I think I'm...
But I don't know where I'm aiming for,
I just walk in circles and turn back again,
And I'm bored.

The fire is...
I'm just seeing the same old scene,
And reversing my own footsteps,
What's it for?

My heart is...
Until I latch onto a brand new name,
That rests soft upon my tongue and,
Just for a moment,
I feel a pulse.

Through         
                 the door, a new house,
                      A new world to explore,    
              An invite into her life,
                        A glimpse at how she lives,
                I feel the floor and see
the walls,      
  Like I've been
   Trapped          
Outside          
And up        
the stairs,      
Another        
glance at        
      her existence,      
      These outfits        
     She never            
wore or          
hasn't yet,      
              The artwork                
             Never shown,            
The stupidly
precise efforts,
Just hidden away,
Then more stairs,
And rarer treasures,
Ink with so much meaning,
Those precious few kept tidy,
The unimportant left at random,
And already my mind calculates,
Deduces her habits and style,
But little matters more,
Than the words.

Another chance missed,
Another lost fight,
Yet somehow not all hope has passed,
My mind clings on to the hint of a retry,
But reality will not rewind.

Once again I blame myself,
Then turn to others,
When I know I did all I could do,
Only bitterness remains for those,
Who bested me without effort.

Such resentment in me,
Sickening me,
Tugging at my stomach with guilt,
I should not hate them for their success,
But envy has control.

Sickness takes us strong,
Binding us to our limits,
But time and sleep heals.

You illuminate the fading hope,
The growing darkness forced away,
I was blind, going in circles,
I know it won't work out,
But I want to try anyway.

I'm drowning without you,
Under the ice the heavens are pierced,
Your eyes are my guides,
Override my instinct,
When your heart's beating near.

In my head I'm running,
Dreaming one day I'll find you're mine,
I want you to feel the way I feel,
If you just change your point of view,
We're brighter than the lights in the sky.

In an instant this space grows walls,
And their eyes fade from sight,
And the floor is stained
With the blood and memories of friends
I could have known.
And echoes of their voices,
Living in the wood.
And every imagined moment
We spent together
Becomes a last farewell.