It's brutal, really, the way you handle me sometimes.
I'm made of glass, not elastic.
I cannot bend to your every need.
If you drop me, I will not fall like a feather.
I will break, and you will be the one picking up the pieces.

I feel too much.
I judge too quick.
When I see a flaw, I just pick, pick, pick.
I'm too much of a perfectionist.
It's something I will never admit.
I'm too empathic, I care too much.
It is nearly impossible to earn my trust.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm in love or lust.
Sometimes I just want to give up.

Special, the way they look at you.
Special, the way they walk too.
Special, the way they smile.
And to see them you would walk a million miles
Away.

Love is more powerful
Than you could ever imagine
It defies your expectations
It satiates your thirst
For something real and complete
It is the only freedom
From your own selfish agenda.

I inch so close to opening up.
I want so badly to not close myself off.
Hinting at the truth but never fully revealing it.
Can't be too obvious, have to keep it mysterious.

I'm tired of this act; why do I do this to myself?
It would be so easy and freeing to reach out for help.
Why can't I just give in and trust someone else?
I'm too embarrassed to do it, to express my real self.

This whole time
You were going through the same thing as I...
And god ******, why didn't I even try?
I could have done so much more, and it makes me cry.
Now I'm left asking myself, why, why, why?
Well, now I've seen the other side -
What happens when you follow your petty pride.

This gap between us makes no sense;
I want to tear apart my stupid shield of defense.
I want to put all of these foolish fears to rest.
I want to say, "**** the past, **** regrets."
I want to be part of people's world again, to re-connect.

I reach out to nothing,
Expecting something,
Something deep and beautiful,
Complex, hard to follow.

I reach out to nothing,
With a broken hand, weakened heart, and shattered soul,
Picking up the pieces as I go.

I reach out to nothing,
While it never reaches back.
Yet I keep on reaching.
I am hopeless like that.

Friends become enemies,
Enemies become friends.
I turn my back for one second and
They're enemies again.

As I bury myself underneath your skin,
All of the icy hesitation
Melts away as I am no longer me.
I can live, I am loved, I am free.

There's a certain calmness that follows,
Like all your pain has been erased,
But it does not simply leave
Without first leaving a trace.

I can be just as likable as I am unlikable.
I can be just as charming as I am annoying.
I can be just as kind as I am cruel.
I am not consistent, not predictable.
But the one thing you can always count on
Is my stubborness,
My unwavering, steadfast spirit
That will never compromise
Despite my inconsistencies.

Running around
Like an idiot
And everything is a catastrophe,
Isn't it?

No composure, no finesse
All these worries you can't put to rest.
I wonder how you even passed the test,
How you can still wear that badge
On your chest.

Stick a pin,
Right under your skin.
Leave it there, remember where.
Push it farther and farther in,
Everytime you fail to win.

Life breathed into me
Its last breath
Leaving me empty and sullen
Unforgiving and cold
A murderous mind
Calculated moves
Dead, dark eyes.

I do my job with a smile
A sweet, sickening smile.
You know that my 'have a good day!'
Is far from sincere
You know that I don't want to be here
Yet I come every day, anyway,
And I don't make any attempts to escape
So what does that say
About me?

He may think that he loves you
He has made a mistake
Cause the kind of love he gives to you
Is only a kind of hate.
A complete sense of control -
That seems to be his goal.
He tells you who you can talk to,
Where you can go,
And what you should wear.
No, never does he dare
To show you that he cares.

What's happening to me
All of a sudden
I don't understand
I wake up not knowing what time it is,
Maybe not even what day it is.
I panic, not knowing where I am
Or if I do know, it just doesn't seem real.

Evil is quiet;
It does not need to be loud.
So light, it floats above us,
Higher than the clouds.

I dream of him
His smile, his beautiful brown eyes
His heart, purified.
No one has ever loved me this much
I die with his gentle touch.

You turn away from me,
And I am frozen.
I never lived like you, girl;
I had love all along.
I had family that showed me
Consistent compassion without
Multiple conditions
Begging to be fulfilled.
Then here you are,
Not knowing how to show you care
Not knowing how to embrace your faults
No, you simply push them away,
Disgusted and in disbelief
That you are not perfect
Even though this whole time,
I've been telling you
You're perfect for me.

Walls built so high
Walls scare me, I don't know why.
Maybe because I was told not to cry
And if I did, my feelings were denied.
I stuffed them down, and they learned to hide;
I suffocated them, and they slowly died.

It's like that terrible second when you're waiting on the pain.
When the nerve has yet to tell your brain.

Drinking this cool sugar water down
Laced with some kind of poison
That is sure not to **** me
But can at least numb my every sense
Make my body a little less tense
And simplify my thoughts
Until I have none left
So when my hand reaches for the drink,
I don't even have to think.

What am I
But a failed catalyst?
A spark of fire in water
Lightning in an empty field
Suspended belief in a fantasy
No real action
No real progress
No reactions.

There is a demon in me,
Literally.
I can feel it pushing me away,
Back into the passenger's seat,
As it drives my life.

I see you down there, working so hard
I see with my eyes that watch
Everything.
I know where you would rather be.
You'd like to be in your bed dreaming,
Peacefully, painlessly.
You can't be though; that's where I am.
There's only room for one.
Rest assured though, I'll be dreaming of you all the while.

Am I okay, you ask?
I sincerely doubt it.
What I do know though,
Is how much it doesn't matter.
My life goes on, despite how much I resent the passage of time.
Despite how I count down to not only the end of the day, but the end of me.
And as the clock ticks, I realize each second is wasted.
It's wasted on my negativity.
So, maybe I should just be okay for once,
Even if it hurts.
What do I have to lose?

Whenever this happens,
I just white it out.
I keep opening up to you,
Despite all my doubt.
Looking back, I always come to regret it,
Wishing I didn't feel so weak and pathetic.
Erase, erase, erase
Anything that can save face
Anything that keeps me out of that dark, helpless place.

Devious, dark
Smoky figure
Linger
All around me
As I fade away
Becoming that dark person
That diabolical girl
Who hides and stalks and preys
On all.

Can someone please
Please take me out of this place
Where I feel everything and nothing
All at once
Never did I ask to be this way
Yet I am shunned and chastised every day
Can anyone make this pain go away
Can anyone give me a reason to stay?

I never thought I'd feel this way.
I tried, but I failed to push you away.
Then when I finally let go and caved,
You said you can't afford to stay.
I'm left feeling all kinds of grays.
Don't even know if I'm sad or amazed
That you would just up and leave
And now it's getting so hard for me to believe
That this is ultimately for the best,
That this is in your best interest.
I'm not the one to determine that though,
So I'll support you, as I watch you go.

Pray.
Wash all the pain away.
A brand new, fresh day
Is calling your name.

She appeared to me as a small caterpillar,
Transforming slowly in front of my eyes.
I watched as they plucked her butterfly wings
And sold them for a pretty price.

A whisper
An insidious start
To a noisy finish
With the voices so soft
So innocent
'Til they grow louder
'Til they sound mean
'Til they shout everything
That you cannot bear to hear.

Oh the ungrateful...
The lack of perspective,
Commitment to complaining,
Lack of compassion,
Allergic to compromise,
Unaware of their fortune,
Shining in a self-crafted crown.

I want you to imagine
The floor being ****** up from under you
And the ceiling taking its place
And you're free floating in space
Because gravity doesn't exist here
And up is down
Silence is sound
As you spin 'round and 'round
Until you no longer remember
Who you are
Where you came from
Or who's in charge.

Sensitive, soft,
Sweet, kind, giving,
Adorable, petite,
Young, naive, innocent.
That's what you see.
Your eyes create many illusions.

This isn't passion anymore; it's violence.
It's self-gratification.
I can feel it, because I feel nothing towards you
And you feel nothing towards me.
Simply a means to an end.
Is that really what I am?

And so I let it all just melt away.
The hurt, the rejection. The uncertainty.
All of it.

In its place, a fire grew.
Fueled by endless years of beating myself up,
Of hurting the person I should love first.

Suddenly their words felt far away.
The criticism, the pain.
It all melted away. It was harmless.

Is it just a white pill
That stands in the way of insanity,
That repels these crazy parts of me?

Is it just a white pill
That calls the shots,
That can be responsible when I am not?

Is it just a white pill
That can save my relationships,
Make people hate me a little less?

It is just the white pill, isn't it?
So who I am?
I always forget.

The world may be dark and cold
But I am no stranger
Treated like an innocent,
When I am everything but.
I know how evil people can be,
Though I have seen acts of great good.
We have no way to predict
And must let go of this desire
To know and judge strangers.

I love you, but it frightens me
Because you are the only one I see
Because everyone else fails to be
You.

I'm writing a story
Well, kind of.
Mostly it's writing itself.
It comes from a place
Of genuine feeling,
Of thoughts buried so deep
That I need at least
A hundred pages
To resurface those repressed dreams
And nightmares.

Please do not be afraid
Breathe in the air, deeply,
Knowing fully that you are alive.
And even if you were to die,
Right now, right here,
You wouldn't really die.
Flesh decays; it grows frailer with age.
And where it once was,
Your soul remains.

Sometimes I surprise myself
With my own smile
Somehow it convinces me
I'm fine for a while
Then suddenly,
Without a whisper of a warning,
I no longer have any strength to get up in the morning.

Sometimes I get this crazy thought
That no one likes me
That no one cares.
I just feel like it's all falling apart,
That I'm falling apart
Like a rare piece of art
That is too difficult to replicate.

I refuse to let these tears fall.
I refuse to let you get to me.
I have been strong for so long.
I have broken down, shamelessly.
I am human even when I don't want to be.
Here I stand, looking you right in the eye.
Give me your worst.
I'm at my best.

I feel my dignity fall all around me
A light melody
Playing carelessly in my head
A chorus of voices,
In confusing, imperfect unison.
They are here to stay, at least for today.
It's the psychosis again. Sinking in.

Your ordinary day is very different from mine
It is the kind of day that breaks into song
That smoothly blends from one scene to the next
With little complication or care to details
It is a day I could only dream of.
Though I rarely dream with this disease
This illness running through every vein
Turning my smiles into forced grins
The light in my eyes dulling
My hair and skin is tainted, touched by this sickness.
I wake up every morning, toxins flowing through me.
I wonder what it is like to have an ordinary day.