I know what I said;
I know what I did.
Here you are claiming
It never happened.
I know how you are;
I know your routine.
Here you are claiming
You're not any different.
Here I am, alone,
In my perception.
Am I crazy,
Or just a victim of clever deception?

This is where you end
And I begin.
I'm not backing down,
I'm not giving in.
This isn't a game,
I'm not out to 'win.'
Won't let you control me,
Getting under my skin.

I want you to imagine
The floor being ****** up from under you
And the ceiling taking its place
And you're free floating in space
Because gravity doesn't exist here
And up is down
Silence is sound
As you spin 'round and 'round
Until you no longer remember
Who you are
Where you came from
Or who's in charge.

I could say you were mistreated,
You were abused.
But no - you were just spoiled.

I could say you are depressed,
That you're different from the rest.
But no - you're just spoiled.

I could say you'll change,
That a new you can be arranged.
But no - you'll always be *spoiled.

You have no idea what it's like
Seeing life as a power struggle
The imaginary scoreboard in your mind
Created not by your choice
Yet so engrained that it becomes a reality
Comparing yourself to everyone and everything
Making sure you always have the upperhand
It's sickening.

There was the spark,
And it's slowly fading out
And I can't stop it now
Even if I knew how.

One blink, and I might disappear in front of your pretty eyes,

Leaving you to always wonder why.

I should always be first priority,
Only second best to your family.
Not to some stranger you don't know,
Not to your hobbies.
I am bitter when you place me
As your afterthought, as something
That will always be available.

I trust women;
I fear men.

I need women;
I want men.

I respect women;
I ridicule men.

I love her;
I lust after him.

So much in need
Of all those things
That make me feel whole
When really,
The truth is,
That everything outside
Only hides
How little there is
On the inside.

Consistency often preserves our sanity
And a little bit of diversion
Can be devastating.

I remember
The blanket
The movements
The warmth mixed with cold
The movie
That we weren't watching
The way you looked at me
And the way I felt
I wish
We could go back there
Right now.

He may think that he loves you
He has made a mistake
Cause the kind of love he gives to you
Is only a kind of hate.
A complete sense of control -
That seems to be his goal.
He tells you who you can talk to,
Where you can go,
And what you should wear.
No, never does he dare
To show you that he cares.

Sometimes a sickly smile spreads
Right across my face
When I know I have provoked
Some kind of deep emotion
Within another person
And I know it's not a real smile
It's not even really me
Or at least it's not the way I ever want to be.

You were there
Right there
And you could hear me calling
Calling out for help
Can you still hear it now?
Because back then
You chose not to listen.

I am going to say
What I want to say
And take
All the ideas in my mind
Transform them into a beautiful,
Physical form
Of some kind.

There is nothing
That you can do
To silence me.
There is nothing I can do
To keep it all inside.

Are you the one
Or not?
Because I only have so much time,
Only have one life,
And I don't want to waste it.

Hey, you there,
I'm thinking of you.
We may not know each other well
And you may feel invisible,
But I am thinking of you.
Maybe it's because I'm an artist,
Because I'm sensitive,
And I think about all kinds of things
Like you.
Maybe it's because I'm curious, or bored,
Or just a little too involved.
Still,
Isn't it even just a little comforting
To know
That someone is thinking of you?

She wants to be noticed
Just wants to be loved
She knows that she's pretty
But it's not enough
She says she misses her mommy
She says life is too tough
And she likes to cause harm
To fill herself up.

He's different.
Fragile, quiet.
Unassuming.
He floats around,
Light as a cloud
That never comes down.
He's on his own level
No one else's
And he lives by his own rules
Makes his own choices.

I'd like to write a poem
To explain
Why I don't trust you
But I can't because
There are no words
For the fear, and the terror,
That I felt
As a young girl,
With no help,
Abused and deceived,
Forever changed
By all of those things
That I could not control.

You have no idea
What you've done
The harm you've caused
The arrogance you thrive on
The darkness you create
For all those around you.

Drinking this cool sugar water down
Laced with some kind of poison
That is sure not to **** me
But can at least numb my every sense
Make my body a little less tense
And simplify my thoughts
Until I have none left
So when my hand reaches for the drink,
I don't even have to think.

I walked all the way
To the edge of the earth
Just to say
I got there first
And it's funny how much we thirst
When second best is as good as cursed.

He empowers me
Has me feeling I can conquer anything
Do I love him?
No,
But a certain kind of respect
And a clear sign of acknowledgment
Must be given
When he speaks
And when he listens.

This time, it will be different.
No more shortcuts, no more cheating.
This time I say goodbye
To the easy road I've long adored.
This time I abandon my crutches,
Embrace my uncertainty,
And boldly venture down this new path in front of me.

I'm getting lost in you
So lost
That I've daydreamed of the next time
We can see each other
So lost
That I cannot imagine anything better
Than cuddling up together.
I am so lost
That I have forgotten the things
That make me happy
Aside from your smile
And your beauty.

You ****** up
Without even trying to **** up
So *******
Is all I can really say.

You don't want to see this side of me
It is vicious and unforgiving
It is cruel and unrelenting
And you, my friend, happen to be
Right smack dab
In the crossfire.

Sacrifice isn't always an act of nobility
It can be a way of living
For some people
Who have been conditioned
And persuaded
To believe that the love from others
Comes with the loss of yourself.

I can feel my smile
Falling fast into a frown
And there's nothing you or I can do
When I'm feeling down.

So eager to please
On her knees
A pathetic display
I wish she would just go away.

I won't tell you what I really think
You'll have to dig deep
Underneath all the sugar,
Trying not to sink.

Four years of wasted work
All so I could see you succeed
Without any degree
There it is again - unwelcome irony.

Everyone told me I would go far
And here I am,
Completely uncertain.
Completely lost.

Maybe part of me likes it this way
The same clever part that knows
How impossible it is for me in this situation
To succeed or fail.

There is no direction;
There is no dream.
This is the safest way to go
It seems.

He moves on
To bigger, better things
And I am left here
In the same small world.

You turn away from me,
And I am frozen.
I never lived like you, girl;
I had love all along.
I had family that showed me
Consistent compassion without
Multiple conditions
Begging to be fulfilled.
Then here you are,
Not knowing how to show you care
Not knowing how to embrace your faults
No, you simply push them away,
Disgusted and in disbelief
That you are not perfect
Even though this whole time,
I've been telling you
You're perfect for me.

Two faces
Two different places
These facades she likes to wear
Can you bear
The truth, of which you are aware
Now that you have seen
Both faces.

Meet me there, down in the meadow
Where the hyacinths are a lovely light purple
Where the color of the birds ranges from blue to yellow
And other sweet creatures aren't too shy to say 'hello.'

There's a couple of trees there that I liked to climb
Before I was afraid of heights and fears filled my mind
I was independent; I just lived my life
Why can't I return to that simpler time?

I think the real reason, Colette,
The reason for why you haven't left yet
Well, you're afraid of taking that next step
And admitting you deserve to do your best.

Blending days
Long, boring haze
Of nonstop work
As I waste away.

Running around
Like an idiot
And everything is a catastrophe,
Isn't it?

No composure, no finesse
All these worries you can't put to rest.
I wonder how you even passed the test,
How you can still wear that badge
On your chest.

He puts a band-aid on it.
Well,
You'll need more than a band-aid
To cover up my Hell.

Look at the mirror
See ugly
They take your picture
Feel ugly
A compliment that you're pretty
When you're
Ugly, ugly, ugly.

I'd rather not use your name
Because it makes you too real
Such a personal label,
A stamp if you will.

So please stay anonymous,
Remain ever so mysterious,
And I can keep a safe distance
From these experiences.

You are disgusting,
So very vile,
And I thank you for that
As you make it effortless -
To pity and hate you
So I don't have to love you back.

I will leave you
In the dust,
If I have to.
Well you must
Have seen this
From a mile away
Maybe before
We even started the race.

Somehow I lost my footing
And fell
Into a sea of envy,
Into a pool of misery.
I fell foolishly,
Deeper and deeper down
To the point where I
Didn't know,
Where I couldn't even love
Myself.

All I want
Is a pink picket fence
And a kid
And a house
And a husband who tells me
I'm beautiful, even when I'm not
And I want us to be in love
And spend every day
Thankful for each other
And I don't want anyone
To tell me
That I want too much.

Sometimes I get this crazy thought
That no one likes me
That no one cares.
I just feel like it's all falling apart,
That I'm falling apart
Like a rare piece of art
That is too difficult to replicate.

Friends become enemies,
Enemies become friends.
I turn my back for one second and
They're enemies again.