I don't want her,
I don't want me,
I want my drugs and to be left be.
If I end up sad and alone you'll find me laying on the floor at my home.
Just my drugs and what use to be me.

Rainy day,
Red lights,
Rail road signs buzzing but there is no train.
The day is strange.

They do not look,
they do not gaze,
they do not have eyes like your's or mine.
They have no soul,
they have no meaning,
just to stand there with life no longer gleaming.
There is no spark,
there is no life,
only the demons in the middle of the night.
Once they were people,
like You and I,
once they were people,
but then they died.
Their faces, contorted.
Fingernails filled with dirt,
No family,
no friends,
you could not fathom their world of hurt.
No faces,
no one,
they are not people.
just demons in the middle of the street.

Another day, Something done wrong.
Another day, and it shouldn't be long.
Before I snap, act out of control,
who knows what it is I will do.
You invite me in for discipline and while your at it you tell me again,
Of how I'm a failure and not fit for this place,
Taking me down another notch, to my self hate.
So when I quit and you say it is I who failed you, remember that no;
It is not I that have failed you but it is you who have failed me.
Another day, wasted.

I am the being filled with hate; the hate-monger they stare at and they dissipate.
I am scattered on the floor, they realize it’s me but I feel as if I can’t be this being anymore.
So lost just to be found and hated by thy self.
I hate thy self, thy hate-monger.
I found happiness in a little black river,
the river I drown my sorrows in and collect the little pebbles of hate that rest against the gentle bay of the deep dark little black river.
I quiver with the thought of not being able to hate, it’s all that I have become to know, all that I have ever known.
I live the day’s as a shadow, casting upon every wall, I am every shadow on every wall, this is how I live.
I seek for comfort, seek for sleep, but nothing comes just the hate that seeps, seeps through my vein’s and causes terror again, inflicting horror, inflicting pain.
I’m on this hate rampage again.
I feel desolate in a place filled with many, my eyes observe the room with a strong aversion to the ******* of other eye’s meeting mine, they entwine like ruby red vines stretching across my many shadows on the walls that I claim to be mine.
They are many, but many of them that are not mine.
Thoughts course through my brain waves like the on going tick of a grandfather clock, the clock is forever going, it never stops.
Its tick urges me to speak, but no words will utter a sound, they are filled with maniacal yet tedious comfort that I am not the only hate-monger who hates.
We all hate and live to hate and judge for no reason, why we do these things we shall never know. Out of human nature we are all looked at as animals eating the dead carcasses left as scraps for the maniac animals we are.
We are hate filled animals, and one by one they will put us all down.

They tell me to fight,
but there is no fight left.
Running from a battle that's has me out of breath.
Nothing to give,
no ammo to shoot,
nothing to say,
no words are left.
My mouth is dry, my throat burning with thirst,
My heart with the feeling as if it could burst.
I'm losing a battle that was never to be won,
I'm losing a battle, only to one.
You push, you pull, you follow me around.
Soon enough I'll get tired of this.
I'm not a puppet that you can play with.
I let you tug, I let you pull,
You're my puppet master, but you are cruel.
I'm losing this battle.

They all ran,
They couldn't run fast enough.
They all fell,
collapsing with death in their veins and the departure of their souls.
Life oozing out of their bodies,
all of them lay in their own blood face down.
Body bag by body bag,
I saw the lives I had taken,
the people I had shaken.
Blood was painted like a canvas across white walls.
It was beautiful to my sick and morbid ways.
I had to ****,
I want to **** always.
The smell of death in the air,
nothing sweeter.
Nothing more to make you feel alive.
Slit the throats of the breathing,
Annihilate who is left.
  **** myself after.

I find it odd and a bit un-fair,
how these people mimic,
laugh and stare.
I hate this place,
where concentration is forced,
I hate this place,
It is my torment.
I'm invisible, so it seems.
They acknowledge then ignore,
I've learned to not acknowledge anymore.
So if you see me, you really don't,
If you know me, you are fooled,
This facade that I maintain.
I am the young crazed and hungry,
I find it a bit funny.

Waking up bare,
UN aware of the consequence that lay next to me.
A mistake took place in this bed.
Another regret.

In a good way I can say that lusting over her and fantasizing over her isn't a bad thing.
Is it bad to crave someone else?
She fills me with desire, every glance she peers up at me I melt.
It's uncontrollable, I cannot be trusted with you.
My body has been set on fire.
My curiosity has been brought back in scorching flames.
I wonder what it's like to taste your lips, to taste you.
To inhale you like the finest drug and keep you in my lungs.
The high would be perfection.
Your the safest of all drugs, yet dangerous.
This is why I've chosen you.
Inject me with your bare hands, slide them down my waste and ****** them inside.
Inside where you can make me feel whole.
You burned me in a good way.

Vague is the feeling, dark is the delight, feared is the memory of your cold dead sight.
Your love was killed by the twisted moonlight.
I remember hazel brown eyes reversed into a song, a Melodie of skies.
I can see the colors now burst in the air and up above so tender was the forbidden love.
I now ponder in amazement towards the moonlight sky.
An embrious scatter of stars lay in the earths bound movement, slowly, cautiously I begin to wonder.
But only to the moonlight dancer.
I have heard your voice and I have seen your face, but only for it to bring back a tattered trace.
I remember when all was good.
I remember when you use to love me the way that you should.
I watched you walk away slowly with these words only a trickle on my tongue.
With a "good...bye" your voice had rung.
Those words lay pasted down to my heart and glued.
Moonlight dancer come back to my hand, moonlight dancer take me to your rythmatic land, moonlight dancer take my hand.
Her coldness piercing my heart, her absence tore me apart, and now her funeral to only end me.
Please come back and defend me.
Slowly the blade slit across my wrist in a song like structure.
I let the music flow down from the wound, and now my mind it will consume.
I'm lost and in love by moonlight dancers song.
Where else could I have gone wrong?
Moonlight dancer come back to my hand, moonlight dancer take me to your rythmatic land, moonlight dancer take my hand.
Moonlight dancer just please breath once again.
Moonlight dancer?

Lust with your hurt, live with your lies.
Kiss with secrets, crawl to survive.
We are living, we are alive.
Tormenting me slowly, tearing me apart.
You stole something from me and it was my heart.
It took you three days to break down the walls.
On the tenth you burned down the whole town.
Hour one without you, did you think I would doubt you?
With my heart in your pocket and my soul lay at your feet. I’m reckless.
I don’t think we knew anything about love; we were just scared to be alone at the time.
You were my rock and I was your shield.
Keeping us both safe in the comfort that the both of us were there.
You took everything you could get, and left me with nothing.
Nothing is all I ever got in return from you.
You used me.
That’s all I ever felt I was there for, is that all I could have ever been, is there?
I tried my hardest, and I understand it’s not my fault, but I have no problem taking the blame, just for you.
It’s not the length that I walked for you, It’s just you let me go miles before telling me goodbye.
I know that I walked the distance, but I never knew, what could have happened if I would have just ran them?
I’m sorry I’m not fast enough to make everything better, just believe in me.
I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to hurt no more.
(Its 5:34 and you’re not here.)
Today I’ve learned something especially from you, that I’m my own worst enemy.
So I’ll turn the infantry against me, and I’ll just let them shoot.
I’ll let the war wear down inside me, but never is the fight over.
The war is just beginning to turn into internal peace.
Within I am learning to be happy, so I can be happy again.

Who could know or even begin to question a situation like this?
A sensation of such bliss, penetrating my so called sadness, this so called sadness.
Expressions shared between you and me, both just longing to be nurtured and free.
Now tearing down the invisible walls that we built and burrow in.
I'm feeling these feelings of passion once again, wanting the company of my toxic nitro glycerin.
Her smiles are doubtful and forces a frown upon me, but I hold my smile so I can show you I'm happy.
Finally so happy.
While the beating in my heart, I can't ignore no more.
I'm going to kiss you like I use to once before.
To put ease to this horror that I live for,
she that I live for.
My sensational horror

Today coldness is never ending.
My body is falling, descending, descending.
Treading deeper into the darkness of an elixir's path,
treading closer to the aftermath.
This is where the wicked and weak stay,
in the empty darkness where lovers lay.
Today coldness is never ending.

She is the sunrise,
her smile being the radiant sun that grow out from the crisp winter-day and into the beautiful sky of sparkling snow-flakes.
Her sunshine covered my darkness and filled me with warmth.
But when she left, darkness crept back into my cold world.
It claimed me, the loneliness.
Something I fought so hard to forget.
Something I never wanted to face again.
She was the sunrise.
Now she's my darkest days.

Sweat is dripping, time is ticking, the night is thickening, very thickening.
Rhythm of the hearts beat sway back and fourth, sharing off the same song.
The smell of burning desire in the air, the taste now lingers in my mind.
Timid are my movements and insecure are my actions.
With this there was no satisfaction.
In your laughter and in your smile, I found nothing but hollow promises.
I found nothing..
Sweat is dripping, time is ticking, the night is thickening, very thickening.

Beauty strangles the beautiful.
Ugly stains their hearts.
The taste of expensive living and style has been the medicine to your lost time and confusion.
My thoughts like a atom, bouncing around in it's concealed wall, in a prison.
The only light I have is the light to my window.
The tiny window I peer out every so often to get a glimpse of true beauty.
The nature is breathless.
The timing is inevitable.
The day is perfect.
Nobody can hear me.
Only the wind and the clouds be my guide.
Only a gravel path to set me to a potential free.
I'm killing angels to find me, I'm promising my soul to the devil behind Me.
Come on God try and find Me.
I'm all alone.
I'm hiding, I'm hiding.

I took the pills two by two.
Three-thousand, six-hundred milligrams so true, so true.
My body, my mind, their taking control.
My feelings my touch, begin to fade, begin to go.
Six of them I took, some more, some more..
valumes I popped, I'm on the floor.
My knee's are weak and my mind is clear, nothing but pills, the pills are here.
I fear they'll take me, fear that I'll fail and fall.
But on the pills I don't care at all.
Popping them,
loving them,
I'm not letting them go,
my addiction and submission of the friends I now know.
I took the pills, two by ******* two.
I took them all.

I told myself a day from tomorrow,
that I'd stop this pity and get along with sorrow.
It sickens me and leaves me here,
UN-guarded and filled with a craving like none before..
the needle it sinks in my skin as I slowly am embodied into clay,
morphing into the different sounds and feelings that illuminated the bare room.
Staring into my own face,
looking at the face of death with no regret.
I walk on day by day revealing this unnatural smile of mine for all to glance upon.
Put out of sight,
out of mind,
I can't find myself.
In the sympathy of thought that nestles the moon,
I am hiding here because of what I will be soon.
The next drug addict or ******.
H E L P ?
G O D ?
A N Y O N E?
No one is there.
Thy creator left me in a dark place,
where my mind could never set free,
could never escape.
This is my destiny,
my fate.
Hurry! Don't anticipate before your timing is too late.
Somebody call the mortician,
somebody get him here fast,
because soon enough nothing will last.
Just the foggy memories of my decimated path,
It lay tangled at your feet,
I'm your aftermath.
The anarchist ******.

Prostitution is a sin,
so follow me and fit right in.
take my hand and let me lead you,
into the place that wants to feed you,
feed you lies with vile taste.
She swallow's them all with hope of truth,
they trickle down her throat with belief.
For years she had known the touch of old lonely men,
it filled her with grief.
She was scared of what would happen, so she kept the ***** secrets in.
She was UN-pure.
She has no family, let alone no friends,
shes destruction at it's finest.
So turn on your red illuminating light and take a stroll into the night,
to reminisce about the ***** you used to know.
*******.

This is a bitter hallucination.
A group of love longers and constellations,
that fill and **** my heart.
If it was only I could touch the sky,
feel the wind as I start to fly,
higher and higher,
I dare to go.
Just to descend graciously to the ground and show that I'm no stranger to the lengths that I go.
Have mercy on me,
on my tantalized heart..
you were just a fixation, a hallucination.
You had me by every word,
every curve of you swaying,
as if the motion was made by angels.
if love is a noose then I am the hangman,
hanging there effortlessly,
with life no longer ripe upon my cheek.
Only the angelic voice of my hearts true beholder with held the mellifluous tone of my broken days.
I grimace at the thoughts that lead me to believing in your leechy ways.
The grotesque touch of your filthy ****** hands on mine making me cringe and imbue nothing but the shame of falling in love with a hallucination.
A bitter-sweet,
traumatizing,
hallucination.

Soft is the tone of your mellow heartbeat,
electric is the feeling when our lips meet.
manipulating are your illuminating eyes stripping me of all my control and will power.
Seductive you are, this time, this hour.
The silent ballet of your moans play through my ears like a first string quartet,
I can't fight it,.. the thoughts in my head,..
this is what resulted me in your bed.
You have toyed with me for the last time.
I'm letting it all out,
I'm trying to unwind.
Both bodies adrenaline beating in unison,
both bodies still in motion with the wants, the need of a ****.
To feel close again,..
But after.. I'm A
                              L
                               ­     O
                                              N
                                                                ­      E... AGAIN
The lust you portray is no greater than your desire,
The power I feel of your red lustful fire.
I know I feel you, I can feel your warmth.
I know your here, so please don't torment.
My small,
innocent,
heart.
You lay your body across mine,
both of us vulnerable,
skin to skin.
this is it..
****** me.
Your hands, I can feel them,
Your chest also heaving against mine,
back and forth we commit the lustful and desirable sin.
I've had my fulfillment,
my satisfaction.
I've been seduced by your bewildering attraction.
Now it's my turn to make you feel alive.

My name is addiction I'm the frenzy you feed,
my name is addiction and you begin to read.
You need me, you want me, you won't doubt me.
My name is addiction and you are my victim.
My name is trouble I come when your alone,
I'm the one that brings addiction home.
My name is pain, I know you well,
you think your in purgatory, No,.. your in hell.
I'm sorry for this, this haze, this bliss.
I can't remember the last time I was sober.
Then again I can't remember the last time I was dead..
I'm on fire, burning with blue passion.
My name is love and I caused you pain,
I brought you addiction and trouble again.
I can't continue.. continue falling..
  F
      A
             L
                     L
             I
       N
G
.
.
F
        A
                 L
                         L
                 I
          N
G
.
.
D

O

W

N
.
.
THE RABBIT HOLE.
Where is the smile you smiled ever so easily?
Where is the meaning you inject inside of me?
Where is the comfort that you fill with my lungs?
All gone, all that remains is sober thoughts.
My name is Tonya.

Tears fall like black silhouettes,
hearts call with the nerve to forget.
Love in idleness, must it be true?
I fell in this deep but ardent love with you.
Day by day I seek your call,
I seek for you but I find nothing at all.
Drowning I am in water a million miles deep,
drowning I am, right below your feet.
I write to forget you, I write to forget.
I hate to remember you. I just can't ever regret.
What we had, the things we've said...
Tossing and turning I miss your touch,
remembering you is making me ache so much.
I tried to forget your touch, I tried to forget.
But you being my informal number-one really shook me.
Leaving my heart broken in despair.
I was      S     C     A     T     T     E     R     E     D.
Under any circumstances did I ever really matter to you.
Never will I cease believing on behalf of the silhouettes in the monotonous evening.
The deceiving silhouettes in the evening.

Run red scarlet, run far from it.
Go a distance wise and far,
get out of here,
Save who you are.
Burst into the abyss of the black burning nightfall.
Delirious I am with the stars leading my scarlet into the mystery of the dark relentlessness dusk.
Soon she will remorse with self-indulgence to erase the pain that I have caused so greatly.
Her exterior is clear,
a disguise. 
             No more S                             S.
                                        M                   E              
                             I        L
              No more knowing the warmth of attention.                        
Her interior is hollow,
Within her nothing lies.
There is no room for second- thought,
no memory.
Soon I will have forgot.
My hands and mind begin to numb,
undergoing the extremely earnest burning pleasure of hope,
I know this feeling.
In my gut It's just another effort, I am just another endeavor.
Every sensation,
   just a tingle to my skin,
the chills swarm down my spine as I quiver again.
Plush and soft are your lips against mine,
sick and remorseful is your leave,
please flee my scarlet,
run away from me.
Run red scarlet.

Rage, yes it fills me.
Burning August red, Rage, yes it heals me.
Once I've let it out, I can't let it back in,
You might want to step back, it's about to begin.
I've called to the rage that resides within,
I tell myself this is it, and I let go of myself where I once wrote of happiness.
The memory's are suddenly my own self destruction,
I am my own self destruction.
F
      A
              L
                      L
                              I
                                        N
                                                   G.
Faster than I can even imagine.
While my inner angels are dying,
Gods of a sort are crying,
This rage I'm filled with is never dying.
Raging for Eternity.