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Tonya Cusick Oct 2017
She is fire.
Burning delight.
She is every thought.
Running through my mind at night.

She is beautiful,
Even with the etches she carved in her skin, all a reminder of whom to not let in.
She is so much more than she knows.
And I'm going to be the one to show her just that.
Be prepared for greatness my love.
Hold on tight.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2016
My last cigarette,
Burned to the stub.
A roar of panic,
Settling in.
Like waves they crash against my strong-will to disdain and discomfort me.
How unsettling.
Withdrawals are the worst.
Must make love to the addiction.
Tonya Cusick Jan 2014
A new year has been brought,
through new eye's I've seen and sought,
my feeble trouble's, no longer a trouble no more.
My eager thought's spinning and turning,
until they can not turn no more.
A  new state of mind,
a new will,
a new way.
2014, what else can I say?
Tonya Cusick May 2016
Nothing makes sense, This blunder I'm in.
I'm ******* drunk and it's almost 5 a.m.
You think it's easy to be ******* me?
They call me their rock, but no rock is what I see.
Piece by ******* piece I give myself to every last one of you! But what do you do?
Keep me imprisoned, un-freed.
All of you just ask for more..
This has been to much for me.
I have taken on, too much to handle..
I've lost myself.. I've ******* lost myself.
Why light a torch when you're just a burning candle?
Tonya Cusick May 2013
6 a.m. : wake up go to the bathroom, take a shower. Cry. Get out, dry off, get ready for school.
7:40 a.m.: put my shoes on, smoke, die a little.
8:30 a.m.: at school , hating every minute. Seeing her hurts.
3:30 p.m. : Get out of school, get high to get happy, Pass out, wake up.
6 a.m.
Tonya Cusick Jun 2017
Ever just lay awake in bed?
Tossing and turning to the thoughts that correlate in your own head?
Eating and melting the memories you left behind, trying to U
trying to escape from this beautiful mind.
Maybe you're better off dead..
Or maybe thoughts are better left un-said..
Tonya Cusick Feb 2017
She bathed me in acid.
My skin like goo.
She made me her victim, and I to her too..
The aroma arose, with rancid smell.
You could taste the chemicals,
flesh burning and peeling..
making hell have, An whole other meaning.
With sweet ease she poured me, on her skin.
So we could be one, in unison.
She bathed me in her acid love.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
I told myself a day from tomorrow,
that I'd stop this pity and get along with sorrow.
It sickens me and leaves me here,
UN-guarded and filled with a craving like none before..
the needle it sinks in my skin as I slowly am embodied into clay,
morphing into the different sounds and feelings that illuminated the bare room.
Staring into my own face,
looking at the face of death with no regret.
I walk on day by day revealing this unnatural smile of mine for all to glance upon.
Put out of sight,
out of mind,
I can't find myself.
In the sympathy of thought that nestles the moon,
I am hiding here because of what I will be soon.
The next drug addict or ******.
H E L P ?
G O D ?
A N Y O N E?
No one is there.
Thy creator left me in a dark place,
where my mind could never set free,
could never escape.
This is my destiny,
my fate.
Hurry! Don't anticipate before your timing is too late.
Somebody call the mortician,
somebody get him here fast,
because soon enough nothing will last.
Just the foggy memories of my decimated path,
It lay tangled at your feet,
I'm your aftermath.
The anarchist ******.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
Another day, Something done wrong.
Another day, and it shouldn't be long.
Before I snap, act out of control,
who knows what it is I will do.
You invite me in for discipline and while your at it you tell me again,
Of how I'm a failure and not fit for this place,
Taking me down another notch, to my self hate.
So when I quit and you say it is I who failed you, remember that no;
It is not I that have failed you but it is you who have failed me.
Another day, wasted.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
In my ears and out the other side,
Out slipped another lie from your lips that spoke so innocent and convincing.
Keeping my emotions and thoughts tranquil and serene through the musky dark and dillusional day.
My gullible and trusting self should have seen past the facade you portrayed ever so magnificently.
I'm a fool for letting this go around my head.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2015
Feeling's like this.
What is real?
Where is the bliss?
My soul it ****'s.
Out come's the blood, it spills, it spills.
Being pumped with these artificial feeling's,
So surreal.
Fed false faith and archaic hope.
Do yourself a favor,
tie finely together your rope.
A noose to end it all, a noose to have your problems weigh.
A noose to be the solution at the end of the day.
Life is Artificial.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2013
There's a deep engulfing evil that I fear to know.
There's a physical suffering that I do not like to show,
and a pleasure I have learned to know is you.
Your disastrous fate, your someone I hate.

Losing you makes me stronger,
hating you makes me lust no more with the lingering of forbidden sickened thoughts.
I hunger for the Diamond,
thirst for the pain and attention,
cutting for the feel of perfection.
I'm not an image of good or bad.
I'm not invisible but you act like I am.
I'm not that perfect serain blade to your skin.
I'm not that last cut to make you feel better,
I'm the thought of you gone bitter.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
No taste.
Nothing to be described but bland and bitter emotions.
Nothing is to be enjoyed with this taste in my mouth.
Vile and disgusting.
I spit what else was left on the tip of my tongue out.
No taste.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
They all ran,
They couldn't run fast enough.
They all fell,
collapsing with death in their veins and the departure of their souls.
Life oozing out of their bodies,
all of them lay in their own blood face down.
Body bag by body bag,
I saw the lives I had taken,
the people I had shaken.
Blood was painted like a canvas across white walls.
It was beautiful to my sick and morbid ways.
I had to ****,
I want to **** always.
The smell of death in the air,
nothing sweeter.
Nothing more to make you feel alive.
Slit the throats of the breathing,
Annihilate who is left.
  **** myself after.
This about a dream I had.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
A bit of death,
a bit of life,
a little bit of loneliness can invite it into your life.
When in boredom and in doubt I take the glass and heat the spout.
I inhale and then in me I am one,
but without the red dragon being a part of me,
I am uncontrolably spun.
It races, it slithers through my veins,
causes a riot in my heart and my veins,
I have became the beast.
I have chased the Red Dragon.
Tonya Cusick Sep 2013
It was the cuts on my hands,
that trailed down my wrist.
The cuts singing a song of pain and un-happiness.
It was the cruel careless tone in your words that portrayed and arrayed.
It was you who killed me, and tossed me away.
She's a cold heartless killer.
Tonya Cusick Sep 2014
Her name is Crystal,
A mystical Dame.
Walking with her has never been a shame.
She beckons to me and I run to her.
Leaving my nights in a deceiving blur.
The days run together and my life passes me by.
While I sit here and think to myself is she really the reason why?
Never to leave, yet never to hope, she is always here when I'm inhaling her down my throat.
Past my tonsils and into my lungs she has intoxicated me, and I am strung.
I've never felt such hopeless-ness, but when your flying with crystal you'll never have to feel again.
When shes gone, my absent feelings that once were submerged, begin to emerge and and surge through my veins.
Making me lose my mind again.
And then there is Crystal.
I will never have to hurt again.
Tonya Cusick Oct 2014
We don't have much,
But this mess.
Sometimes we clean it up, but by the next day we've unfolded it again.
The destruction of a bitter sweet love  manifestation.
Let's lay in pieces together.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
It's only best to write when the feeling's height,
that is when it is best.
Not when your thought's are singing a popular song, you feel as if you need to write along.
It comes from you, not someone else,
It comes from the silent heart, not a pair of head phones.
If you've plagiarized, you are not a writer, you are just another plagiarizing fool.
To the people who feel a need to rip off others work and claim it for their own.
You know who you are.(;
Tonya Cusick May 2013
I asked for it,
I really did.
I pushed you away because I could.
She was never toxic ,she never bit.
She never doubted me, and for that I feel like ****.
I can't take back what I said or my actions that took place, I can't take back words and just erase.
The damage I have done.
Her eye's I imagine to be red and with tears,
She has no limit, no anger, no fears.
She's not held back by me anymore.
And for this I am forever in sorrow.
Don't sympathize me.
I am cruel, I am unfaithful and for that I am a fool.
Don't sympathize me.
Pretty drunk right now.
And sad.
What of it?
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
I don't want her,
I don't want me,
I want my drugs and to be left be.
If I end up sad and alone you'll find me laying on the floor at my home.
Just my drugs and what use to be me.
Tonya Cusick Sep 2020
Another wasted thought in my convoluted  head.
Another pillow to cry in, on my fold out bed.
Another reason to miss
The sweet solace,
Of your touch,
I miss it much.
Another day wishing I was enough.
Just a snazzy little zinger I wrote when drunk.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
I am the being filled with hate; the hate-monger they stare at and they dissipate.
I am scattered on the floor, they realize it’s me but I feel as if I can’t be this being anymore.
So lost just to be found and hated by thy self.
I hate thy self, thy hate-monger.
I found happiness in a little black river,
the river I drown my sorrows in and collect the little pebbles of hate that rest against the gentle bay of the deep dark little black river.
I quiver with the thought of not being able to hate, it’s all that I have become to know, all that I have ever known.
I live the day’s as a shadow, casting upon every wall, I am every shadow on every wall, this is how I live.
I seek for comfort, seek for sleep, but nothing comes just the hate that seeps, seeps through my vein’s and causes terror again, inflicting horror, inflicting pain.
I’m on this hate rampage again.
I feel desolate in a place filled with many, my eyes observe the room with a strong aversion to the ******* of other eye’s meeting mine, they entwine like ruby red vines stretching across my many shadows on the walls that I claim to be mine.
They are many, but many of them that are not mine.
Thoughts course through my brain waves like the on going tick of a grandfather clock, the clock is forever going, it never stops.
Its tick urges me to speak, but no words will utter a sound, they are filled with maniacal yet tedious comfort that I am not the only hate-monger who hates.
We all hate and live to hate and judge for no reason, why we do these things we shall never know. Out of human nature we are all looked at as animals eating the dead carcasses left as scraps for the maniac animals we are.
We are hate filled animals, and one by one they will put us all down.
A little long, and drawn out, but I will re-master it once I get any better idea.
Just something I wrote when I was angry.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
Nothing but drugs and violence on the television who tells us to be tyrants.
We aim to revolt,
They aim to be ready,
Keep the dream alive and our eyes steady.
Thick is the tension in the suspension of an all out revolution.
Breaking free from our government is the only solution of a new evolution of how to live and who to be.
Free for all,
All for anarchy.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
*******, **** what you blame me for, **** your opinion it doesn't make a difference anymore.
Our future together was never solid, only like fluid supposedly of because what I did. You weren't perfect you have a billion flaws, it was me who listened and beckoned to your call. Whoever is next in line, I hope they don't waste their time. With a controlling, manipulating, and unfaithful, ungrateful monster like you. So say what you must to get over us but from the  beginning there was no trust, only young and wild hearts in love with lust. **** us.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
This is a bitter hallucination.
A group of love longers and constellations,
that fill and **** my heart.
If it was only I could touch the sky,
feel the wind as I start to fly,
higher and higher,
I dare to go.
Just to descend graciously to the ground and show that I'm no stranger to the lengths that I go.
Have mercy on me,
on my tantalized heart..
you were just a fixation, a hallucination.
You had me by every word,
every curve of you swaying,
as if the motion was made by angels.
if love is a noose then I am the hangman,
hanging there effortlessly,
with life no longer ripe upon my cheek.
Only the angelic voice of my hearts true beholder with held the mellifluous tone of my broken days.
I grimace at the thoughts that lead me to believing in your leechy ways.
The grotesque touch of your filthy ****** hands on mine making me cringe and imbue nothing but the shame of falling in love with a hallucination.
A bitter-sweet,
Tonya Cusick Jun 2017
Take my breath away,
With every gasp of air.
It's not a containable feeling,
Not one I can bare.
So serenade me in your sweet love affair.
Beautiful serendipity.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
It was squishy against my skull,
the green grape which was dull.
As it flung across the room and proceeded to zoom, zoom, zoom.
I was hit, forehead and on, with the grape that I survived from.
Hit by a grape.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2015
Laying here,
In my bed, while visions of you flow like liquid through my head.
I caress my skin, like I imagine you would do,
but how could someone ever love me like you?
I feel the hurt in my gut begin to form,
Bubbling and oozing inside of me like a storm.
When it subsides, I hope I'm no longer.
No longer than a mere' regret.
I hope you get what you get.
Laying here in my bed, holding this razor in my hand,
Here I go.. Into velvet oblivion.
The last poem of a hopeless lover.
Tonya Cusick May 2013
Nothing noetic,
no more poetic,
Living, breathing, human being.
I am the end of all meaning.
I am the death dealer,
the time healer,
my soul will be souring from life times on and on.
I am the aging and raging just to get another shot at being young.
I am many people, many things.
Maybe it's just my conscience who's gone insane.
I am many.
I know it ******* rhymes. Who cares.
Tonya Cusick Dec 2013
A virtuous dame,
the woman on the throne.
A seductive game,
when we both are alone.
Her eyes with a glint,
had given me a hint,
that she is my queen and I am her affinity.
She is my best friend, and my wife to be.
I call her majesty. ❤
Tonya Cusick Jan 2017
Draining my stresses, my problems down this whiskey bottle, grabbed my car keys, headed down main street, my foot laid on the throttle.
Not thinking of the consequences, not caring for another tomorrow.
How could anyone ever love or miss, a ******* like me.
Bottle in my hand, foot on the throttle, **** it, I'm done!!
Maybe you will apprrciate me when I'm gone.
**** it.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
I find it odd and a bit un-fair,
how these people mimic,
laugh and stare.
I hate this place,
where concentration is forced,
I hate this place,
It is my torment.
I'm invisible, so it seems.
They acknowledge then ignore,
I've learned to not acknowledge anymore.
So if you see me, you really don't,
If you know me, you are fooled,
This facade that I maintain.
I am the young crazed and hungry,
I find it a bit funny.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
Beauty strangles the beautiful.
Ugly stains their hearts.
The taste of expensive living and style has been the medicine to your lost time and confusion.
My thoughts like a atom, bouncing around in it's concealed wall, in a prison.
The only light I have is the light to my window.
The tiny window I peer out every so often to get a glimpse of true beauty.
The nature is breathless.
The timing is inevitable.
The day is perfect.
Nobody can hear me.
Only the wind and the clouds be my guide.
Only a gravel path to set me to a potential free.
I'm killing angels to find me, I'm promising my soul to the devil behind Me.
Come on God try and find Me.
I'm all alone.
I'm hiding, I'm hiding.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
In a good way I can say that lusting over her and fantasizing over her isn't a bad thing.
Is it bad to crave someone else?
She fills me with desire, every glance she peers up at me I melt.
It's uncontrollable, I cannot be trusted with you.
My body has been set on fire.
My curiosity has been brought back in scorching flames.
I wonder what it's like to taste your lips, to taste you.
To inhale you like the finest drug and keep you in my lungs.
The high would be perfection.
Your the safest of all drugs, yet dangerous.
This is why I've chosen you.
Inject me with your bare hands, slide them down my waste and ****** them inside.
Inside where you can make me feel whole.
You burned me in a good way.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2013
Family first,
Success second,
Futures bright,
Silver linings aligned across the never ending sun set.
In a world where you can not reverse the hands of time to a memory much more valuable than living  every day differently.
Feet planted firmly on the ground,
Fate that lays ahead.
While angels sing a song about the living dead.
And anguish burns brightly in afflicted and tormented hearts.
This is not the ending but only the start.
Tonya Cusick Dec 2013
I always looked ☝ to you and never said anything to make you feel ☟
I would never intentionally hurt you to make you cry, or make you ☹
It is my job to keep you ☺ always here with me
I will ♥ you for ∞
Tonya Cusick Jul 2016
Sometimes I hold the gun to my head, loaded and cocked. Safety off and my finger on the trigger. Hoping for the courage,  maybe something bigger.
I repeat in my head.
Maybe sometimes all we need is just a little lead.
Tonya Cusick Feb 2016
I don't see the resemblemce,
to this person in the mirror.
Who plays and arrays all of my thoughts,
the voice ringing through my ears.
I don't recognize myself anymore,
I don't think I want to..
I'm in fear.
Not of who is near,
but who is it? This person.
Inside of here?
Lonely and knocking on your back door.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
They tell me to fight,
but there is no fight left.
Running from a battle that's has me out of breath.
Nothing to give,
no ammo to shoot,
nothing to say,
no words are left.
My mouth is dry, my throat burning with thirst,
My heart with the feeling as if it could burst.
I'm losing a battle that was never to be won,
I'm losing a battle, only to one.
You push, you pull, you follow me around.
Soon enough I'll get tired of this.
I'm not a puppet that you can play with.
I let you tug, I let you pull,
You're my puppet master, but you are cruel.
I'm losing this battle.
Tonya Cusick Aug 2013
Her movement,
The movement of flames flickering in the slow distilled wind,
wind that is now raging in to a storm.
I will help her subside,
subside into me blindly.
Giving into my allurement and gaze,
I will have you soon, the structure of skin I lust after.
I will have you with satisfaction.
My  heart is in my mouth, against my teeth,
Breaking my precious white pearls and making them into disease.
Disease that has grown in me like a fungus.
The disease of lust.
Lusting after her structure.
Tonya Cusick Oct 2013
I never thought I would feel like this,
the sublime ecstasy in every kiss.
It cures me, makes me not so alone but should I fall for the girl?
Should I risk the chance, the change?
I'll wait for her while cupid makes the finest of arrows to make her love me.
Tonya Cusick Sep 2017
The way your body sways in its own rythmatic unison, hypnotising me.
Beautiful, porcelain poison.
You gaze with allurmemt in each pupil, pulling me in.
I am taken away by your bewilderment ways.
I am falling in love with you day by day.
Sweet porcelin love.
Tonya Cusick Apr 2013
Black is the day where the light withers away.
Leaving my world a foggy darkness.
Leaving my life without loves compassionate and woeful kiss.
The sun my delight I ardently miss, stealing away her suculant and burning desires kiss.
Giving it away but not to me, leaving my days in a lonely eternity.
She the one allowing my darkness to wrap it's perversions around I, allowing it to be free, forever free.
Missing the light.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
Vague is the feeling, dark is the delight, feared is the memory of your cold dead sight.
Your love was killed by the twisted moonlight.
I remember hazel brown eyes reversed into a song, a Melodie of skies.
I can see the colors now burst in the air and up above so tender was the forbidden love.
I now ponder in amazement towards the moonlight sky.
An embrious scatter of stars lay in the earths bound movement, slowly, cautiously I begin to wonder.
But only to the moonlight dancer.
I have heard your voice and I have seen your face, but only for it to bring back a tattered trace.
I remember when all was good.
I remember when you use to love me the way that you should.
I watched you walk away slowly with these words only a trickle on my tongue.
With a "good...bye" your voice had rung.
Those words lay pasted down to my heart and glued.
Moonlight dancer come back to my hand, moonlight dancer take me to your rythmatic land, moonlight dancer take my hand.
Her coldness piercing my heart, her absence tore me apart, and now her funeral to only end me.
Please come back and defend me.
Slowly the blade slit across my wrist in a song like structure.
I let the music flow down from the wound, and now my mind it will consume.
I'm lost and in love by moonlight dancers song.
Where else could I have gone wrong?
Moonlight dancer come back to my hand, moonlight dancer take me to your rythmatic land, moonlight dancer take my hand.
Moonlight dancer just please breath once again.
Moonlight dancer?
Tonya Cusick May 2016
I break and deteriorate everything I love,
Once a beautiful flower, now a withering wilted rotted carcass of petals that lay.
It breaks me inside, piece by piece, I can't fix this. The demons in me.
Tonya Cusick Feb 2014
Ambivalence is my friend,
Once a foe,
but I've sought and sorted through the feelings that swirl and whirl with every cranial nerve in my brain.
Causing the confusion and seclusion of our correlation.
Ending in my insanity.
Ending us.
The true cause to my destruction was the departure of my friend Ambivalence.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
My name is addiction I'm the frenzy you feed,
my name is addiction and you begin to read.
You need me, you want me, you won't doubt me.
My name is addiction and you are my victim.
My name is trouble I come when your alone,
I'm the one that brings addiction home.
My name is pain, I know you well,
you think your in purgatory, No,.. your in hell.
I'm sorry for this, this haze, this bliss.
I can't remember the last time I was sober.
Then again I can't remember the last time I was dead..
I'm on fire, burning with blue passion.
My name is love and I caused you pain,
I brought you addiction and trouble again.
I can't continue.. continue falling..



Where is the smile you smiled ever so easily?
Where is the meaning you inject inside of me?
Where is the comfort that you fill with my lungs?
All gone, all that remains is sober thoughts.
My name is Tonya.
Tonya Cusick Mar 2013
Today coldness is never ending.
My body is falling, descending, descending.
Treading deeper into the darkness of an elixir's path,
treading closer to the aftermath.
This is where the wicked and weak stay,
in the empty darkness where lovers lay.
Today coldness is never ending.
Tonya Cusick Nov 2017
She picks and plays on my guitar,
While I lay.
Here in this room where we share intamacy, laughter, and many of these moments that make my heart warm again.
I was looking for a lover,
You were looking for a friend.
I was seeking abroad,
When you fell into me.
Like a ship I was capsized,
But you were the first to dive in the water.
Diving straight into me.
Deep blue love.
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