My body limp & unresponsive
I try to move it but I am so far
Watching from above
Clouds and a canopy of treetops divide us
Layers of sediment cover
Toes, fingers, *******
Buried and lost

A smile I put up to my face
Strange feel and a twisted shape
A façade that I try to make

Out of something borrowed.

A laugh that I sound out loud
Some kind of noise let slip out
A resemblance of what's normal

Definitely something borrowed

A skin scene in a romance movie
A drunken feel I’m left wanting
Someone to hold close to me

Hoping there’s more I can borrow

Long nights of faithful dreams
Characters that only I can see
Left hoping for a better morning

Something that’s not mine to borrow

30 dollars to crack a smile
maybe once a week
genuine or a habit of intoxication
matters not because its more than I've felt
in a week and a half passed
Always the hope of something more
and the disappointment in what is reality
Another hungover Sunday morning
ruined by the bark of a dog that isn't mine
The awakening not from sleep
but the dream of a life I do not own

How to find clarity
When staring into the void
Searching for answers
To the questions I avoid
Wandering lost
Like a man without eyes
Stumbling and falling
With no help from allies
But it’s hard to be lost
With no exit in mind
I care for the journey
Not what’s at the end that I’ll find
In love with the maze
All it’s walls and it’s turns
An end to the race
Is not of my concerns
For I don’t wish to be found
Discovered by all
All I want is to continue
My endless fall
Back into darkness
From which I came
Seen by none
Known by not even my name

If I'm not doing no one knows my worth
If I stop so does my value
We aren't worth what we are,
only what we do

Your words taste like blood in my mouth
Metallic and foreign.
I've seen your face a thousand times
but tonight feels like the first time that I've really seen you.
Your voice meets my ears comfortably,
but there's something about it that I don't quite recognize.
You've grown and changed,
it's alright though because so have I.

Sitting in a room full of things
But the things are just things and they don’t mean a thing
Because a person is not a thing
They are a person
And a person is just a compilation of memories and feelings
But if a person is no longer making memories or feeling things
Then they are just the reflection of a person
And reflections are just what you see in a mirror
And a mirror is just a thing
And things don’t mean a thing
I am a thing in a room full of things

Love is a fungus
It grows in the dark
Spreading
Crawling
Covering everything

When the seasons change
Will you change yours too
Will you lose your leaves
Or will you hold true
Will your limbs grow bare
And shed all color
Or will you keep your hair
And be my evergreen

Im afraid of the love I keep
The fire inside of me
Burning to escape and be free
The embers are smoldering me
At night I lay awake
Holding  to the memories
Desperate to see your face
Afraid of what the morning brings
Careless enough to feel
Something that is really real
Tonight I sit and hold my breath
Tomorrow I’ll get over it
All along Ive always known
It’s your heart Ive wanted
This long drive I’ve followed
Will soon reap tomorrow
Until that time I’m suffering
Waiting for a promising
Will it ever come
Who’s to know
Except the ghosts and shadows

I’m glad I had the chance
To share the Earth
With someone like you

Do you understand
What it’s like to be free

Do you understand
What it’s like to live your dreams

Do you understand
Because me neither

To fret over the plights of yesterday
Is to start today late
And to worry of what tomorrow brings
Is to waste away the day
So be free for now
Laugh and smile and love
For in the end
All that matters
Is this moment
Here and now

I’m losing my mind
Slipping away
Falling into a deep dark place
My memories fade
Truth I evade
Standing in the pouring rain
Happiness and pain
Are all the same
When you can’t remember
What made you that way
Who am I
Who are we
It doesn’t really matter
When we all can’t see
The truths and lies
All feel the same
If we forget them all
Freedom will reign

The waters stagnant
The airs gone stale
I want to move
But I can’t
Oh well

I’m drifting through space with no direction
Nothing to guide me
Nothing to hold onto
Everything that seems within my reach
Slips away
I just keep falling
With nothing to catch me
No one to catch me
Everything feels dark and cold
I live a nightmare that never ends
Morning seems lifetimes away
I see a light and stretch my hand towards it
Fingers outreached I try to get closer
But the nearer I get to the light
The dimmer it becomes
Until the light is no more
Nothing more than a figment
The darkness consumes me
Loneliness eats away at me
While I starve
Craving  a companion
Any contact to subside the isolation
Anything to fill the void

Our relationship
A cup of cold coffee
Bitter
And left unattended

I run
not sure from who
I hide
not sure why
I am afraid
But I can’t escape
Because what I fear the most
Lies beneath my face

I"m sorry if I'm not enough
I'm sorry if I'm too much
I'm sorry that I'm sorry
I worry that I give too much
Try too hard
So I pull back
And then worry I'm not giving enough
So I try harder
Like a child on a teetertotter
Never able to balance it evenly

My love is like the ocean
Waves of it surge forward
Towards the shore
Pushing and pulling
I grow nearer and nearer
But every time
Right before I'm close enough
The moon pulls me back
I retreat
Deeper and deeper
Never quite reaching my goal

Stuck in an infinite cycle
Like a song left on repeat

Destruction
Creation
Destruction
Creation
Hope
Anguish
**­pe
Anguish

Despite my ultimate demise
I always get up
Just to fall again

In my grave I’ll rot
Waiting
For those who won’t come
Waiting
For those who aren’t worth it
Waiting
For those who don’t care

In my grave I’ll rot
Longing
For those who don’t love
Wishing
For those who don’t miss
Hoping
For those who don’t remember

In my grave I’ll rot
Remembering
Those who were there
Feeling
For those I touched
Proud
Of those who I influenced

In my grave I’ll rot
Easy

I’ve dug two graves
For us my dear
There’s nothing more
For me to hear
Right here
Is where we’ll lay
All it cost me is my life
For eternity we will wait
It’s not much
Considering the stakes
With you I cross me heart
And hope to die
Without you I’m not alive
Together we will be
And that is all I see

I breathe slow
My mind moves fast
My feet guiding my body
Pacing up and down
Back and forth
Like a metronome
My thoughts click
Faster
and
Faster
Until I hold my breath
And my head clears
Now absent of everything
An empty space
That was once overfilling
Like a clock
I reset
And start again

I grow jealous of the wind
It picks you up off your feet
And flows through your hair

I envy the rain
It runs down your body
Getting closer to you than I ever will

The ocean mocks me
As it hugs you
Fully engulfing your body

I wish I had the moons eyes
So that I could watch over you at night
Sharing my warm glow

Instead I lie alone
Asking the stars
Why I wasn't enough

Happiness is a friend who left me on read
Purpose ignored my snapchat
Complacency blocked me

I found new friends
But I don't like them much

Loneliness tells me jokes, at my cost
Sadness cuddles with me, but her touch is cold
Humility points out my strengths
and my flaws

I want my old friends back
-

I feel like a pistachio shell
With no nut inside
****

I avoid depression
Like a boxer
I bob
Weave
Duck
And block
But on occasion
Depression lands a hit
My smile fades
And my eyes sink
My mind wanders
And my voice goes quiet
The light inside dims
As the fire grows cold

I’m on the ground
Trying not to be knocked out
I get on my feet
And swing back
Show depression every reason
I have to stand
My corner of the ring is full
And depression fights alone

You were my moon
Like the ocean you controlled me
Pushing and pulling

I was but a shooting star
Burning bright in the sky
You made a wish
Then forgot I ever existed

I am blind in this world
There’s nothing I can see
But love is a blanket of darkness
And in darkness only the blind can see

For no island's without her sea's
no peace is without its release
no heart's without her blood and doubt
no reason to live without
without love

Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.  
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.

I am a body floating in an empty pool
Not moving in any direction
Just floating
You left me here
For some time I have lied still
Content with my idleness
And all at once
I am in a rushing sea
The waves crashing
And water spraying
My body finally moving once again
My surroundings no longer stagnant
I am free

Isolation
From you
From myself
I take this time to learn
To breathe
To exist
I must recreate myself
A version of me with no you
A better me

I dive into darkness
Through the unknown
Giving myself to that which I cannot control
Releasing all power I once held
Holding faith in that which I cannot see
Believing in what I hope to be
Praying for something that is more than me
I fall
I fall
I fall
Until I don't
And then I feel nothing
Until I feel something
For the first time
In what feels forever
I feel
I feel
I feel
So much that it hurts
My nerves working on overdrive
I feel everything now
And wonder
How I ever was numb

Life came between us
Tore us apart
Now we're back together
But this ain't the start
I gave you my all
You took it and ran
Things didn't work out
Now you're calling again
Try to say no
But I let you in
Ashamed of myself
Because I let you win

You have no right to love me
When you chose to walk away
You have no right to miss me
When you didn't want to stay
You have no right to need me
When you knew what you would lose
You have no right to be with me
When you left me so confused
You have no right to love me
But you still do

Lips meet
Flesh rubs
Fingers dance
Yet my eyes remain open

Promises made
Plans broken
Secrets kept
Yet I don't feel a thing

Curses sworn
Friends lost
Love abandoned
Yet I stay numb

The one before
******* it all
I am sorry

Doors open
Songs are sang
Trust broken
Alarms are rang
Love taken
But not for free
I'll get you back
I gaurentee

I walked through the garden of Eden
I smelled you before I ever saw you
You’re scent sweeter than even the freshest of roses
This aroma more delicate than any I’ve ever witnessed
My nose led me to you
And when my eyes spotted you
I knew that it was the beginning of the end
Deep inside me it was clear it wasn’t meant to be
You were a forbidden fruit of which my lips were never to touch
My tongue prohibited from ever learning of your flavor
But how could I not try a bite
Like Adam and Eve I had to learn for myself
just how sweet life could be
I couldn’t resist reaching for the fruit
But the moment I put the sweet delicacy to my lips
it was already too late
The color drained from my face
And my stomach sunk
I fell to the ground shaking
The life leaving my body
I took a chance with you
And it made me colder

In front of me is a switch.
If I pull it all sanity is lost,
All hope of normal gone.
To pull it is to set fire,
To burn it all.
A choice that will not be forgotten,
Nor forgiven.
Do I pull it?
Do I pull it because insanity calls my name,
Or because I want to watch the world burn.
The switch smiles at me and begs for my attention,
I know its power,
I know that my actions have consequences.
The outcome could be devastating,
A chain reaction that would change everything.
To pull the switch is to end the game,
But rules are meant to be broken,
And switches are built to be pulled.

White dunes of sand expand over the horizon,
Cold waves of sapphire crash against the shore.
The sun heats the grains of the desert,
The sea spray is raw and cold.
I sit in a limbo between the two,
The comfort of the beach calls my name,
But the darkness of the riptide pulls me in.
I fight it and move myself towards safety,
But the warmth seems miles away.
I throw myself at the white,
I run and chase after it.
No matter how hard I try it is out of reach,
I feel the radiant sand between my toes,
And then I am pulled away.

I’m playing piano in an empty ballroom,
Dozens of unoccupied chairs scatter the floor.
My fingers glide across the surface of the keys,
Rhythmically striking black and white.
As I pound away a stray cat enters the room,
She hears the gentle chords and comes closer.
The loneliness of the room fades away,
With the company of my feline friend.
She rests her head on my lap as I play for her,
The cat purrs to show her appreciation for my music,
This feeling of purpose fills me with euphoria.
As I begin to play a new song,
She gets up and walks towards the door.
Out of fear for losing my companion,
I start to relentlessly slam on the piano,
Playing louder and louder.
She stops and hesitates in the doorway,
Ears perking up she looks towards me,
Giving me hope that she may come back.
Lightning flashes outside temporarily illuminating the room,
And in that moment she is gone.
Once again I sit in an empty room surrounded by nothingness,
Nobody to listen to me play.

Somebody give me a map to my mind
Because I am lost
And scared  of what I may find
I wander the labyrinth inside my head
Looking for answers of some kind
For hours I search and come back empty handed
I feel lost and desereted
All by myself Im stranded

You are the shell
Of a girl I once knew
I no longer recognize
The words you speak
Or the way you move
Behind your eyes
I still see the old you
Trapped inside
Scared

I look at old photos of us
And rather than seeing myself
I see the emotion that I had
Get a taste of what I once felt
Feel the breath I once held
I wish I could take that moment back
And live there for an eternity
Reliving that time seems better
Than creating new memories now
Ever since I tasted your sweetness
All new experiences seem sour
I want to surround myself with happiness
But these pictures just won't do
So I must burn all traces of you

It seems that
Everyone I meet
Has a hole
Beneath their breast
They walk around
And act complete
Despite lacking love
A gaping space
In the middle
Of their chests
I fill all
That I can
But can't complete
What they miss

Your light
Shines in the night
My soul
Lost and so confused
You guide
Me from the dark
My savior
From past times demons
Your illumination
All I focus on
A safehaven
I can concede in
Your warmth
Pulls me towards you
Into light
Out of the dark
I owe
It all to you
Thank you
For waking me up

The sour grapes of death
Are brewed to make this wine
That God force feeds us

The taste is bitter
The color is dark
And the smell is rank

We may not be thirsty
Yet  he will pour
Filling us with despair

We will suffer
Drown in our agony
Be consumed by our torment

But come one day
We will see
It was all for the better