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cjesus Jul 2019
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I"m sorry if I'm not enough
I'm sorry if I'm too much
I'm sorry that I'm sorry
I worry that I give too much
Try too hard
So I pull back
And then worry I'm not giving enough
So I try harder
Like a child on a teetertotter
Never able to balance it evenly
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cjesus Feb 2019
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For no island's without her sea's
no peace is without its release
no heart's without her blood and doubt
no reason to live without
without love
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cjesus Dec 2019
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I’m glad I had the chance
To share the Earth
With someone like you
???
cjesus Jul 2018
???
In front of me is a switch.
If I pull it all sanity is lost,
All hope of normal gone.
To pull it is to set fire,
To burn it all.
A choice that will not be forgotten,
Nor forgiven.
Do I pull it?
Do I pull it because insanity calls my name,
Or because I want to watch the world burn.
The switch smiles at me and begs for my attention,
I know its power,
I know that my actions have consequences.
The outcome could be devastating,
A chain reaction that would change everything.
To pull the switch is to end the game,
But rules are meant to be broken,
And switches are built to be pulled.
cjesus Nov 2020
Im afraid of the love I keep
The fire inside of me
Burning to escape and be free
The embers are smoldering me
At night I lay awake
Holding  to the memories
Desperate to see your face
Afraid of what the morning brings
Careless enough to feel
Something that is really real
Tonight I sit and hold my breath
Tomorrow I’ll get over it
All along Ive always known
It’s your heart Ive wanted
This long drive I’ve followed
Will soon reap tomorrow
Until that time I’m suffering
Waiting for a promising
Will it ever come
Who’s to know
Except the ghosts and shadows
cjesus Oct 2019
I’m losing my mind
Slipping away
Falling into a deep dark place
My memories fade
Truth I evade
Standing in the pouring rain
Happiness and pain
Are all the same
When you can’t remember
What made you that way
Who am I
Who are we
It doesn’t really matter
When we all can’t see
The truths and lies
All feel the same
If we forget them all
Freedom will reign
cjesus Nov 2021
Your words taste like blood in my mouth
Metallic and foreign.
I've seen your face a thousand times
but tonight feels like the first time that I've really seen you.
Your voice meets my ears comfortably,
but there's something about it that I don't quite recognize.
You've grown and changed,
it's alright though because so have I.
cjesus Feb 2019
I am blind in this world
There’s nothing I can see
But love is a blanket of darkness
And in darkness only the blind can see
cjesus Mar 2019
Happiness is a friend who left me on read
Purpose ignored my snapchat
Complacency blocked me

I found new friends
But I don't like them much

Loneliness tells me jokes, at my cost
Sadness cuddles with me, but her touch is cold
Humility points out my strengths
and my flaws

I want my old friends back
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cjesus Jul 2018
It seems that
Everyone I meet
Has a hole
Beneath their breast
They walk around
And act complete
Despite lacking love
A gaping space
In the middle
Of their chests
I fill all
That I can
But can't complete
What they miss
cjesus Apr 2019
I breathe slow
My mind moves fast
My feet guiding my body
Pacing up and down
Back and forth
Like a metronome
My thoughts click
Faster
and
Faster
Until I hold my breath
And my head clears
Now absent of everything
An empty space
That was once overfilling
Like a clock
I reset
And start again
cjesus Dec 2018
Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.  
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
cjesus Aug 2019
Our relationship
A cup of cold coffee
Bitter
And left unattended
cjesus Dec 2020
When the seasons change
Will you change yours too
Will you lose your leaves
Or will you hold true
Will your limbs grow bare
And shed all color
Or will you keep your hair
And be my evergreen
cjesus Nov 2019
Do you understand
What it’s like to be free

Do you understand
What it’s like to live your dreams

Do you understand
Because me neither
cjesus Jun 2018
Crusty eyes and shaggy hair,
A pristine beige mug waits to be filled.
Steaming hot brown liquid drips,
The sweet aroma of coffee fills the room.
Your eyes reflect the same brown that my cup holds,
Your teeth glisten whiter than the sugar that my spoon pours,
Your lips sweeter than the drink I put to my mouth.
Waking up next to you is a dream come true,
You are my folgers in the morning.
cjesus Jul 2018
I walked through the garden of Eden
I smelled you before I ever saw you
You’re scent sweeter than even the freshest of roses
This aroma more delicate than any I’ve ever witnessed
My nose led me to you
And when my eyes spotted you
I knew that it was the beginning of the end
Deep inside me it was clear it wasn’t meant to be
You were a forbidden fruit of which my lips were never to touch
My tongue prohibited from ever learning of your flavor
But how could I not try a bite
Like Adam and Eve I had to learn for myself
just how sweet life could be
I couldn’t resist reaching for the fruit
But the moment I put the sweet delicacy to my lips
it was already too late
The color drained from my face
And my stomach sunk
I fell to the ground shaking
The life leaving my body
I took a chance with you
And it made me colder
cjesus Dec 2020
Love is a fungus
It grows in the dark
Spreading
Crawling
Covering everything
cjesus May 2023
30 dollars to crack a smile
maybe once a week
genuine or a habit of intoxication
matters not because its more than I've felt
in a week and a half passed
Always the hope of something more
and the disappointment in what is reality
Another hungover Sunday morning
ruined by the bark of a dog that isn't mine
The awakening not from sleep
but the dream of a life I do not own
cjesus Jun 2018
My heart
Three sizes
Too big
Self control
I lack
I know

I give
too much
to those
who don't
deserve it
I know

Love is
Too limited
To waste
I should
Wait instead
I know
cjesus Mar 6
My body limp & unresponsive
I try to move it but I am so far
Watching from above
Clouds and a canopy of treetops divide us
Layers of sediment cover
Toes, fingers, *******
Buried and lost
cjesus Apr 2019
I grow jealous of the wind
It picks you up off your feet
And flows through your hair

I envy the rain
It runs down your body
Getting closer to you than I ever will

The ocean mocks me
As it hugs you
Fully engulfing your body

I wish I had the moons eyes
So that I could watch over you at night
Sharing my warm glow

Instead I lie alone
Asking the stars
Why I wasn't enough
cjesus Jun 2018
The love is lost
The air gone stale
What is the cost
Another relationship fail
I say goodbye to you
And walk out your life
My eyes filled with blue
You could have been my wife
cjesus Jun 2018
Your light
Shines in the night
My soul
Lost and so confused
You guide
Me from the dark
My savior
From past times demons
Your illumination
All I focus on
A safehaven
I can concede in
Your warmth
Pulls me towards you
Into light
Out of the dark
I owe
It all to you
Thank you
For waking me up
Thank you to the people that pull me from the depths of darkness and save me from myself. I owe everything to you.
cjesus Jul 2018
Somebody give me a map to my mind
Because I am lost
And scared  of what I may find
I wander the labyrinth inside my head
Looking for answers of some kind
For hours I search and come back empty handed
I feel lost and desereted
All by myself Im stranded
cjesus Jun 2018
My mind
A prison
My thoughts
The guards
My eyes
A window
To reality
Trapped inside
Seeking escape
Keys lost
Years pass
Without change
I will
Die here
cjesus Jun 2018
Stale air
Broken hearts
Left alone
Did you
Ever care?
cjesus Sep 2018
Doors open
Songs are sang
Trust broken
Alarms are rang
Love taken
But not for free
I'll get you back
I gaurentee
cjesus Jul 2019
I run
not sure from who
I hide
not sure why
I am afraid
But I can’t escape
Because what I fear the most
Lies beneath my face
cjesus Jun 2018
Telling old stories
just to feel you
on my lips
once again
cjesus Jul 2018
I look at old photos of us
And rather than seeing myself
I see the emotion that I had
Get a taste of what I once felt
Feel the breath I once held
I wish I could take that moment back
And live there for an eternity
Reliving that time seems better
Than creating new memories now
Ever since I tasted your sweetness
All new experiences seem sour
I want to surround myself with happiness
But these pictures just won't do
So I must burn all traces of you
Photos are a good way to savor old memories, but can also hold you back, keep you stuck in those times even once they have passed. Sometimes you need to let go, and let the memory fade away.
cjesus Feb 2019
I avoid depression
Like a boxer
I bob
Weave
Duck
And block
But on occasion
Depression lands a hit
My smile fades
And my eyes sink
My mind wanders
And my voice goes quiet
The light inside dims
As the fire grows cold

I’m on the ground
Trying not to be knocked out
I get on my feet
And swing back
Show depression every reason
I have to stand
My corner of the ring is full
And depression fights alone
cjesus Dec 2018
Isolation
From you
From myself
I take this time to learn
To breathe
To exist
I must recreate myself
A version of me with no you
A better me
cjesus Nov 2018
You have no right to love me
When you chose to walk away
You have no right to miss me
When you didn't want to stay
You have no right to need me
When you knew what you would lose
You have no right to be with me
When you left me so confused
You have no right to love me
But you still do
cjesus Nov 2018
Lips meet
Flesh rubs
Fingers dance
Yet my eyes remain open

Promises made
Plans broken
Secrets kept
Yet I don't feel a thing

Curses sworn
Friends lost
Love abandoned
Yet I stay numb

The one before
******* it all
I am sorry
cjesus Mar 2019
I feel like a pistachio shell
With no nut inside
****
cjesus Jul 2018
White dunes of sand expand over the horizon,
Cold waves of sapphire crash against the shore.
The sun heats the grains of the desert,
The sea spray is raw and cold.
I sit in a limbo between the two,
The comfort of the beach calls my name,
But the darkness of the riptide pulls me in.
I fight it and move myself towards safety,
But the warmth seems miles away.
I throw myself at the white,
I run and chase after it.
No matter how hard I try it is out of reach,
I feel the radiant sand between my toes,
And then I am pulled away.
cjesus Jul 2018
I’m playing piano in an empty ballroom,
Dozens of unoccupied chairs scatter the floor.
My fingers glide across the surface of the keys,
Rhythmically striking black and white.
As I pound away a stray cat enters the room,
She hears the gentle chords and comes closer.
The loneliness of the room fades away,
With the company of my feline friend.
She rests her head on my lap as I play for her,
The cat purrs to show her appreciation for my music,
This feeling of purpose fills me with euphoria.
As I begin to play a new song,
She gets up and walks towards the door.
Out of fear for losing my companion,
I start to relentlessly slam on the piano,
Playing louder and louder.
She stops and hesitates in the doorway,
Ears perking up she looks towards me,
Giving me hope that she may come back.
Lightning flashes outside temporarily illuminating the room,
And in that moment she is gone.
Once again I sit in an empty room surrounded by nothingness,
Nobody to listen to me play.
cjesus Dec 2018
I dive into darkness
Through the unknown
Giving myself to that which I cannot control
Releasing all power I once held
Holding faith in that which I cannot see
Believing in what I hope to be
Praying for something that is more than me
I fall
I fall
I fall
Until I don't
And then I feel nothing
Until I feel something
For the first time
In what feels forever
I feel
I feel
I feel
So much that it hurts
My nerves working on overdrive
I feel everything now
And wonder
How I ever was numb
cjesus May 2019
I’ve dug two graves
For us my dear
There’s nothing more
For me to hear
Right here
Is where we’ll lay
All it cost me is my life
For eternity we will wait
It’s not much
Considering the stakes
With you I cross me heart
And hope to die
Without you I’m not alive
Together we will be
And that is all I see
cjesus Feb 2022
If I'm not doing no one knows my worth
If I stop so does my value
We aren't worth what we are,
only what we do
cjesus Jun 2018
We sit on the bow of the boat,
The sun glares down on us,
Your skin reflects it’s warmth.
I hand you a smooth shell I found,
We admire its beauty together.
Its round edges and pearlescent body,
You say that you could stare at it forever,
But then you turn to the sea and throw the shell.
I ask you why,
And you reply that its beauty is only temporary.
At first I take your word for fact,
But after contemplation I realize I disagree.
So I dive into the water and chase after the shell,
Not yet ready to give up on it,
Understanding its value.
When I bring it back to the boat,
I smile at you and plead you to enjoy its allure for the moment.
You agree and curl up next to me,
And we resume our admiration.
But not long after you take the shell from my hand,
Again you turn to the ocean and release the shell.
I look at you with a blank face,
Confused by your indecisiveness.
You explain that you never thought the shell was beautiful.
Once more I dive into the water,
No not to retrieve the shell this time,
Instead I swim to escape you.
cjesus Jun 2018
The sun reflects off of your perfect teeth.
Your smile sends shivers down my spine,
Your lips raise goosebumps along my arm.
Your eyes capture my full attention,
They speak to me so loudly I cannot hear
the words that come from your mouth.
I get lost admiring every freckle and mark on your face.
Your nose calls my name and your ears smile at me.
When I’m with you I am blind to the rest of the world,
I am deaf to all but you,
Your voice the only I hear.
Your scent the only I smell.
You let out a laugh and I want to cry,
You sneeze and I want to die.
You blink and I must make myself  look away.
Every muscle you move drives me deeper in love.
I am sinking into you,
Like quicksand you consume me until
the thought of you is all that surrounds me.
cjesus Jun 2018
My hand
Your hand
Our hands

My lip
Your lip
Our lips

My body
Your body
Our body

My heart
Your heart
Not our heart
Theres a line between lust and love and sometimes its so thin you can't see it until it's too late.
cjesus Aug 2019
I’m drifting through space with no direction
Nothing to guide me
Nothing to hold onto
Everything that seems within my reach
Slips away
I just keep falling
With nothing to catch me
No one to catch me
Everything feels dark and cold
I live a nightmare that never ends
Morning seems lifetimes away
I see a light and stretch my hand towards it
Fingers outreached I try to get closer
But the nearer I get to the light
The dimmer it becomes
Until the light is no more
Nothing more than a figment
The darkness consumes me
Loneliness eats away at me
While I starve
Craving  a companion
Any contact to subside the isolation
Anything to fill the void
cjesus Oct 2019
The waters stagnant
The airs gone stale
I want to move
But I can’t
Oh well
cjesus Jun 2018
I bring you a gift
Wrapped in silk
A scarlet bow
Sits on top
With much glee
You open it
Inside lies my heart
Your face
Does not match
The reaction I expect
You pick it up
Examine it closely
Before dropping it
Stomping on it
You smirk at me
Laughing to yourself
cjesus Feb 2019
You were my moon
Like the ocean you controlled me
Pushing and pulling

I was but a shooting star
Burning bright in the sky
You made a wish
Then forgot I ever existed
cjesus Jun 2018
The discussion of politics occurs,
Over cups of lukewarm earl grey.
Obsidian tea occupies an ivory ***,
My hand stumbles and the sweet grains miss my drink.
They fall to the ground and scatter the rich soil below me,
Herbal notes are enough to distract me from my surroundings for the moment.
A thin shadow rests upon me,
Cast by the barren trees that forsake the living.
Clinking china rings in the air,
But is not enough to mask the sounds of suffocation.
I continue to pour my drink into my mouth,
As the rope around me neck beings to tighten.
This tea is too sweet I think to myself,
While my feet are lifted from the ground.
The cup drops from my hand,
and the cotton tablecloth is stained crimson.
cjesus Jun 2023
A smile I put up to my face
Strange feel and a twisted shape
A façade that I try to make

Out of something borrowed.

A laugh that I sound out loud
Some kind of noise let slip out
A resemblance of what's normal

Definitely something borrowed

A skin scene in a romance movie
A drunken feel I’m left wanting
Someone to hold close to me

Hoping there’s more I can borrow

Long nights of faithful dreams
Characters that only I can see
Left hoping for a better morning

Something that’s not mine to borrow
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