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Cloey Olson Apr 2015
Break slowly and deliberately
Feel each crack splinter down your spine
Let it shatter you completely

Contingent destruction
Feel yourself eradicate with bliss

And soon,
Through every annihilation
Every murderous end

Your ruination will lead
To your eventual mend.
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
pain corrodes your system until your entire being screams his name
Cloey Olson Sep 2015
I know you were here
I felt your skin
I heard your voice
Your lips moved gently in motion
Your mouth whispered promises
To my timid ears
I saw you
You were here

And then you're gone
As if you were never there to begin with
As if I dreamed you up

And then you're gone
You leave with your promises and your lips
Your whispers and your desire

And then you're gone
Without a backward glance
You leave your ghost as my lover
And I miss you
God how I miss you
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
Please Stay
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
Was that the moon?
Reflecting your skin
Pale and serene
I reached out to touch you
But you were so far away
I guess I'll wait until May
May, when the world
Turns from dark to light
And finally I feel
I can regain my sight
Cloey Olson Jul 2015
All you could talk about was the hate.
The world that hated the poor boy who was insane.
The poor boy without a family.
Couldn’t you see me? I was right there.
I was right there next to you tracing the lines on your fingertips.
Right there beside you, memorizing the shape of your eyelashes.
The way your head turned slightly to the left when you smiled.
The shape of your jawline.
The feel of your heartbeat.
Couldn’t you see me? I was right there.
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
I knew you were gone
Really gone
When I picked up the phone
After hearing the bad news
Then put it back down
Realizing I can't go to you
Cloey Olson Apr 2017
‘So he hates you now?’ she asked quietly.  
‘No’ I replied. ‘It’s worse..  He feels nothing at all.’
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
Pain* is fleeting right?
So strike me again
*I'll practice
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
Do you remember 100 days?
100 scarred onto the bottom of my feet
It's excruciating with every step
But I'll take the pain gladly
At least you're here
I take you with me
In every word out of my mouth
And beat of my stuttered heart
I swear it'll stop beating
But it keeps going on restart
Was it real? Did it happen?
Or was it all a myth?
I'd believe you if you said
You didn't actually exist
Angels and demons
In a terrifying twist
Cloey Olson Sep 2014
I'll tell you 10 truths
And I'll tell you 10 lies
And leave it to you
To decide

1. He slapped me. He slapped me hard. My head snapped back, my sanity jarred
2. I tried it. Don't ask me why. Cutting flesh seemed to make sense. When there's nothing left, demons make an entrance.
3. I went back. I went back to him. And this time, he showed me the ****** sin. **** is scary, rough and overdue. And I counted the times he had said 'I love you.'
4. I tried to go back home. But I found myself wandering the streets alone.
5. This bench I sleep on at night, has leftover blood from last night's fight. Do you want to know who won? Think long and hard. Answers aren't easy and ignorance saves hearts.
6. Some friends. Friendship on the streets is found in cheap drugs and sleezy treats. I finally did it. Accepted the needle. My life spun downwards with a cacophonous teetle.
7. Teetle Tattle tale. So many stories. I swore he was behind me. But only another gory, glorified story from a girl in the past. A girl who watched her sister lose herself in prostitution. When will restitution find 3 girls in an institution?
8. Antibiotics, pain meds and prescription. I try to talk to people, but when I'm talking they won't listen.  I'm spit at on the streets, on my ****** bench. I survive however I can, which is taking my meds.
9. I saw my reflection. For the first time today. And I threw up all the pain from yesterday. My days are mixed up. It's a constant state of forever. Forever will change me. Forever and never.
10. I found a phone. Dialed the number I couldn't forget. His voice came on the phone and I sat down and wept. He picked me up. Gave me a shower. Then handed me a joint and punched me until I cowered.
11. Mom, what happened? Where did I go wrong?
12. Wait, rubbing alcohol, will turn this around.
13. I've long since been able to afford actual liquor. So I'll drown my sorrows in buckets of cheap stickers.
14. Labels, tell me. Show me my sweet name of alcohol and sanity, to keep my brain
15. From ever feeling the lies, scourged down my soul. I'll live this life and hate my soul.
16. I watched my brother scream himself to death. When there's that many demons, you scream until ****, overtakes your system and you cry at the mess you've made. Don't judge too harshly, everyone makes mistakes.
17. I hear voices, I see people that aren't there. The one voice I want to hear, is the voice that isn't there. I see white walls, white sheets, white beds. Am I real or did I finally become dead? It's a process, death, it comes in waves, of potentially poisonous sounds and caves.
18. Drunkenness, lies, distorted medication. They handed me prescriptions and my heart melted. Isn't that twisted? Medication has my heart, my sick wounded heart, filled with mistrust in a cart.
19. I see my parents with shining eyes, that shouldn't be shining because they shouldn't be crying. Crying over someone who can't even differentiate between 10 truths and 10 lies that have made her hate.
20. Hatred, lust, envy and disappointment. They destroyed me into a tornado of contortion. Puppet, I am and always will be. Puppet of you, and puppet of me.
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
He pushed me away
To see if I would stay...
Cloey Olson Jun 2015
-Breathe into me the lies you swore were my reality-
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
It hurts when someone's everything
They promised they'd never be
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
The words are a floodgate
Held back by a string
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
-I'll   Hate   You   With   Every   Tear   That   Still   Loves   You-
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
I'd die every day
If it would
Make you stay.
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
All I want
Is an answer
All I need
Is a lie
I'd cry
If my eyes
Just for once
Saw you try
All I see
Is a ghost
All I need
Is your name
To keep me sane
When your games
Steal my sanity
My refrain
All I want
Is one word
To slip out
From your skin
I'll taste 'I love you'
'Forever' and 'Promise'
And once more
All I need*
Will be fulfilled
In lustful province
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
I learned how to love
And you'd never believe
But it was actually you
Who taught me
Every time you hit me
Spit venom in my face
I learned to find forgiveness
How to chase down grace
I ran and I ran
Until I found beautiful patience
Stunning peace
No longer a patient
Every word you spoke against me
Built a castle in my soul
I carved each brick with pain
And the more I mulled
I realized it wasn't the answer
Pain turned to love
And for you, I am thankful
For I am finally enough
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
It's been a while
Since I felt my heart break
If you listen closely
You'll hear it

It re-breaks

50 first dates
Every morning without fail
Who am I? What happened?
It hits me and I'm impaled
Straight through my stomach
With a twist and an ache
It crashes in waves
My head is silenced in pain
Flailing in water
The surface is too far to reach
My head is a bubble of screaming into sand
And the only sound through the shock
Is the slightest twinge
And I know, another crack
Just formed in my shallow heart
I clutch my chest firmly
Shove my feelings down my throat
Force myself not to cry again
Because you can't ever know
That id forgotten again
It's been a while
Since I felt my heart break
If you listen closely
You'll hear it

It re-breaks
Cloey Olson Jan 2015
And it goes like
Na Na Na Na
I thought I knew you
So I guess
This game, this conquest
Can be a request
For this mess

Na Na Na Na
I thought that was
The song in my step
So when nothing’s left
I can bet
On you to set
Up this test

Na Na Na Na
It’s in my bones,
Like what you wrote
In hearts of stone,
It’s in the tone
Of what I’d known,
Before the moans
Were overthrown

Na Na Na Na
Do you sing it still?
From your windowsill
Romeo killed
Juliet stilled
And nothing kills
Me more than freewill
Taking the pill

Na Na Na Na
Do you get it now?
How to allow
Me to bow down
I’ll gladly laugh
If it makes your wrath
Taste less like half
Of what you spit into staffs
Am I your graph?
To test your math
On what kind of equation
You need to break invasion

Na Na Na Na
You’re my indecisive decision
I’ll make an incision
Until you quiver with reason

Na Na Na Na
I pray this makes sense
If it’s any condolence
I still smell your scent

Na Na Na Na
It’s scarred on these veins
These trains of vanity
For we stained ourselves insanity

Na Na Na Na
Sing you until I bleed
Sing you until this creed
Becomes my anthem, my greed
You taught me how to see myself
As someone worth nothing
Are you proud?
That all the shoving
All the touching
All the trusting
Led to bruising
Led to cutting
Led to gushing
Led to nothing?

And it goes like
Na Na Na Na
Cloey Olson Jan 2017
..begging to be loved
yet destroying anyone that does..
Cloey Olson Sep 2014
Breathe them in
Inhale the ‘truth’
Until I can rebuild
What I thought was you
Shattered bones
Replaced with pins and needles
One more injection
Let’s play tattle tale

I’ll play with you
If you play with me
Come on, it’s just a game
At least, for me
But this is life for you isn’t it?
This incessant groan
Of lending out lies
Handing out loans

Take it or leave it
What’re you selling?
How do you feel
About the stories you’re telling?
Who do you want to be?
When it all comes down
Crashing into dust
Emptiness resounds

And then who’ll be there
To conform to your lies
To live in confusion
To live in despise
I’ll be there
You know that’s true
I’d never leave you
When it all turns blue

Blues that swirl
To the darkest black
And there you’ll find
Your soul’s impact
You finally reached
The bottom of the sea
All that’s left
Is to
Cloey Olson Nov 2015
We’ll call your last name abuse.
Tack it onto the end with the ink splash of a dot.
Does it feel good to see it there?  Jason Abuser.  
Abuse is your genes, your attention span falters just slow enough for me to see it.
The hurt hiding behind your insanity.  I see it. I see it. And that’s how you stole me.
Kidnapped my capacity to move.
Pain pulls the rug beneath the feet.
A sly blow to the back of my knees.  
Not my pain, never my pain. My pain would never be enough to make me stay; no, your pain darling. Your pain is what shatters me.
Those glimpses of a tortured past the moments before you’d hit me.  That’s what I saw.  
That was the cemented concrete you poured over my feet before you’d kick me to the floor.
I saw it.
I saw it through the blood. The way you’d cower from yourself first, before making me cower.  You hated yourself and that made me break. Break for your hate.
No, you’re too beautiful for this distorted world.
You’re precious my Mr. Cirkovic.  My darling, it’s okay.  Keep cementing me into the ground. Blow by blow, I’ll show you love.
I’ll bring you love in buckets of bruises.  I’ll adore you to heaven. Fall slowly into insanity so you can fall quickly into peace.  I love you. I’ll show you.  I’ll show you. You’ll see.
I’ll make the way for the next girl.  She’ll see who you are and see the beauty I know was always there.  I’ll be slashed and bruised and she’ll get your kisses and gentleness.  
And I’ll cry for what she didn’t have to know.
Cloey Olson Apr 2015
I thought I could give it to him.
I thought I could somehow transfer my joy to his clenched fists.
I thought I could sneak peace through the crevices of his crossed arms and steel face.  
When he hit me, I tried to let my fragile bruises touch his soul.
I tried to let my tears be the elixir to his life.
I tried to hold him when he was shaking. I tried to listen when he was screaming.
I wanted his fists to open so I could fill them with tenderness.
But his fist opened with a backhand slap.
And even the slaps I tried to caress for him to see someone cares. Someone loves.
I loved you, you *******.
I loved you so hard.
I ripped my own chest out with hopes somehow the blood would seep into your broken tears.
I tore out my own eyes with hopes somehow my blindness could lead to your sight.
I broke so you could live.
Died so you could try.
Lived in panic so you could live in peace.
Is it enough?
I thought I could do it.
I thought I could do it.
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
But I said no
It got caught in my throat
I held on with a stranglehold
And then let it go

But I said no
Why didn't it work like it should?
Shaking and flaking
With gentle whisps of snow

But I said no
And he became deaf
Wind became torrential
As he moved below

But I said no
Strangled and silenced
Words are diamonds
In a world of coal

But I said no*
I offered my best
And he drove into me
And came out with my chest
But I
But I said
But I said no
Cloey Olson May 2016
Did you hit her too?
Throw her stuff all around the room
Break her little soul
Split it right in two
Hate her so you wouldn't have to hate you too

Will she be enough?
For your lustful hands, not happy till you see her blood
How long before you break, can she run fast enough?
Please, God, let her run fast enough

Will she end like me?
Grasping for the little girl she used to be
Hating herself cuz even now she can't be free
She's locked in your maze of lies, it takes a lifetime to see

You just don't know what you do
We tried so hard to love you
And when you take, you take it all
We try to love but you hate us all
Every spark of good, you take it down
You shout and we all bow down

Will we all break through
This house of glass you told us we could never do
We lost our heart but don't you dare take our voice too
Make us cower, but still it's you who lose

Cause' you have sprung up a choir
Can you hear us singing, we're on fire
We're shouting grace over all your lies
Love shatters all; even leads us to goodbye.

Held us hostage, but it's goodbye
Made us Captives, but it's goodbye,
Can you hear it, can you hear it
You have sprung up a choir
Song lyrics...
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
You're vicious in your spatted  poison
Hoisting your bitter contracts
Into the face of broken attacks
Love is a foul word for you
In the gravesight of disappointments
And my words don't make a dent
In your cavern of molding 'hope' coins
I deposited everything I had
But they sit there melting away
I thought perhaps I could help
But only you
Can make love stay
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
What is crazy?
What is horrific insanity
In the face of undeniable serenity?
I thought I had found an escape
Some way to outlast the frayed tape
Escape. Run. Flee.
In a chorus of distortion
Have more proportion
Than this game of such extortion.
Puppeteer and craftman
Come, tell me which it is
We'll travel the road together
If you answer me this
What is crazy
Cloey Olson Jan 2015
I cut today
I hope that makes you smile
I hope the words you threw at me
Go back down your throat in bile
You bruised me on the outside
Every word slashed a little deeper
So why not make a scar
For every time you called me ‘keeper’
I’ll destroy myself
If it makes you feel better
I’d do anything for you
Except watch your life stutter
Stutter out of control
And I tried so hard to fix it
But you tore down the only one
That gave you back your spirit
Heart and soul
I bound to you
Love you until you mend
I swore to you
And I swear still
You are my beginning, middle and end
Cloey Olson Aug 2015
Cutting edge
Like the back of his hand
Slice through my cheek
And I'll make you understand
Cloey Olson Mar 2015
You always did love claws didn't you?
Sink into flesh
Let her whimpers be pleas for pain

But, wait. There's more.

I smell your pain
That's why I love you so much
With every scar you form down my back
With your vicious claws
I lap up lies where sincerity used to reside

Break me, Darling
Show me these 'dark spots' you love
I'll show you where your claw marks sank
I'll show you where you formed your first scar
Right into my veins
Trace down
Keep going

You'll find me there
At the pool of ****** lies
Where I tried so hard to retrieve your claws
And fill them with daisies

I climbed into your cave of darkness
I battled with you against your past
Where are you now
When Dark Spots line my body

Your scars will be my proof of how good claws really do
Cloey Olson Feb 2015
Keep   me    on   the   edge   of    phobia.
My delirium will serve as your ecstasy.
Cloey Olson Sep 2014
Death tastes like copper
Smells like winter
Feels like snowfall
Looks like Autumn
Sounds like true, pure silence
Death is snow
The peaceful hush
As you inhale frigid air
Into your lungs
Look at white perfection scaling
Each individual branch
Bathed in a pure white transcendent glow
Death is utter hostility
Matched with total
All-consuming tranquility
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
Spray perfume in my face
I'll breathe it in
The smell of your beauty
And delusional tranquility
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
I'm a diamond dear
forged from the cave of his pleasure
I'm a diamond, love
I've been prodded and measured
Take a hit
I'm cold as stone
You'll break your hand
And still not know

I'm cold as ice
And thick as steel
I don't/can't/won't feel
Every hand you extend
I'll meet with ease
Whatever it takes
To make you pleased
But you'll never break me
So why try?
I may comply
But I'll always lie

I shine like snow
And glitter with pride
I hide inside
What I can't compromise
I want so badly
To break the walls
But even I know
It's a futile brawl

You touch me
And I may shiver at your touch
But you, nor anyone
Will ever be enough

I'm a diamond, dear
Built of pain and disappointments
I'm a diamond, love
I dare you
Make an appointment
Cloey Olson Dec 2015
The words fell from his lips
Slipped so delicately off his tongue

'What?' I asked
The words fell once again
I watched them fall
Succession of pain about to hit the crook of my neck
'What..?' I whispered
They hit the ground with an explosion
And the shrapnel dug into my skin with an iron grip.
Clench, pull, dig, mold.
Mold into my skin those words did.
Explosion of words into the pit of my stomach,
Releasing thousands of spiders to scurry their way through my arteries
'...just not working..' He mumbles
'..we can be friends..'
'..what?' I say stupidly once more
I'm gonna puke.
Throw those words back up until he vows to take them back.
It was a joke.
A terrible one, but he never was the funny one.
But he was my one.
Not my one.
Not my funny one.
No one.
No one in a second.
No one in three seconds
1. I watch his mouth open
2. The words tumble down
3. Shattered explosion of pain
All over.
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
Don't choose her
"She'll never love you like I will"
Those are the words I want to say
But I know they're not true
She'll probably be prettier
Make you laugh more than I can
Touch you, give you shivers
Stop time in the hourglass
Lay in the sand
Skin to skin
And I know I should want you
To go with her
Because letting you go
I should do first
But instead I say
"Don't choose her"
I'm selfish
And jealous
And I'm going to selfishly
And jealously say
"She'll never love you like I will"
And maybe my words
will make you stay
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
Each tear I cried had your scream in it's small reflection.
Each slice on my skin is from the shattered glass of your past I so quickly hugged in.
I heard you screaming in the bathroom, muffled through a pillow and the wall.
And I cried for you, I couldn't stop your fall.
I laid myself down as you jumped off the building,
took the bruises and blows as your emotion started fueling
into anger? No lust for someone you saw as a muse.
A muse for you to use when you lost all of you.
And I love you, with my bruises from your selfish ways.
I love you as I shut down so I can take in your stains.
I adore you, even if it hurts every single day.
All I wanted was to somehow take in all your pain.
Cloey Olson Jan 2017
It's as if I want it to end badly.*
I have to stop myself from smiling at tragedy unfolding.
I'm an artist.
We artists yearn to feel.
We crave heartbreak.
That moment of feeling your heart eradicate.
We clutch at our chest and scream into our pillows,
grasp our ribs, begging them not to fall apart.
And slowly,
with shaking fingertips,
We find a pen
We find a canvas
We find a guitar
We find our voice
Our medium
And we cry
We express this beautiful decimation
And people applaud what they are entirely unable to do;
to voice the chaos of pain
What does it look like?
What does it sound like?
What notes does the clenching grip of death choose?
What shade of red was it when he cheated?
That painful twinge of minor 7 chords.
The despair has a soul.
We can feel it now,
touch it,
taste it,
hear it,
see it.
We awaken the senses to the most numbing experiences humans have
We open ourselves up,
and the world feels.
Cloey Olson Dec 2015
Black walls cover my eyelids anyways, so let’s put me in a room.
Cover the walls in sunflowers so they can scream all the fallacies you scraped into my skin.  
White dresses for this occasion so we can splatter them in blood. Nothing yells louder than lies.
You shout.
You’re the type of crazy that bleeds out.
It’s infectious.
Viruses don’t understand what you do.
The Black Plague is your best friend.
You start in the brain,
save the heart for last.
Lead them down the cave of desire,
taint yourself with blood.
Tell yourself they’re worth it. They’re worth everything. And no one takes you at your word.
When you say you take everything, you mean it.
You mean it.
You don’t break hearts, you destroy souls.
Start slicing at one end and shred across the top.  
Inject it with ******.
Get them hooked.
I’ll be locked onto you and you alone.

Just what you want.
Forever. Forever haunts me.
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
We fight
Fight with our words
our touch, our promises, our tears.
We fight with everything we have.
For we know that there is no one without the other.
It's both of us or none of us.
We're a team.
whether we know it or not.
And we will fight.
We'll fight until there's truly nothing left to fight for.
And then we'll part.
with yet another unspoken promise
on our lips that we meant to say.
We'll part with should've's and could've's.
And wish for what we know was inevitable.
The need to keep fighting.
Not against each other
but for each other.
Though we both know it's too late. We've already lost the fight.
We lost the moment her name
Exited your lips
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
I felt the tiniest fissure
Softly tapping and picking away at the lining of my heart

Scrape gently
Peel back the crevices of the holey slow-motion reel
It flickers to life
With a deliberate intensity
Candles burn brightest in the bleakest torrent of distortion
And you, love
Laying with you
Is a field of sunflowers
In the desolate, anamorphic wilds  

Breezes tickle the strands of grass
And my hair spins in a pirouette
With the leaves against my skin
You’re dazzling; burning
And gently knocking
At the entrance of my estranged heart with the kindness that brings waterfalls from my tired eyes
This moment
I choose this
I choose you
Every day
Over the monotonous pangs
Of broken fallacies
We’ll lay in a cloud of divinity
and wipe each other’s
Beautiful cracks away
With the gentlest whispers
Of rapture.
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
I held forever and never
In one slippery grip
Dropped them both
And let the present slip through my lips
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
You have a halo
It's casting a glow
On this dark murky earth
Like the day after it snows
It just slipped down
I'll position it again
Here's a mirror
You're heaven-sent
I see your beauty
If no one else can
You're precious as gold
And finer than sand
Keep your head up
Don't let them beat you down
We need you here
I'll lift up your crown
You're an angel in disguise
Saving lives every day
And in case you needed to hear it
I'm here to say
You have a halo
Everyone needs encouragement.
Cloey Olson Nov 2014
This mask is so heavy
        And words are so cheap
                   If I could just see myself
                                   Truly see myself
                                              Maybe I’d be free
Cloey Olson Feb 2017
Touch like glass.
So crisp it cuts.  
Right when you started to trust the glossy perfection.
One crack & it slices open anyone who comes close.
I didn't know I was cracked open.
Didn't realize the damage I could do.
He touched me so gently I forgot I was broken.
Glass shatters so delicately.
Just the slightest twinge and blood appears.
You see the blood before you feel the pain.
It's so subtle.
It wants to be touched.
It does.
It doesn't want to cause pain.
It has so much depth in it's soul.
Begging to be loved, yet destroying anyone that does.
Begging for attention then punishing anyone that comes.
It wishes it were sturdier.
Why does it have to be delicate?
Why does it have to be broken?
Cloey Olson Sep 2014
You're my ritual
My veneration
My craving and inclination
And I incline with you on the mountain of distortion
While my footing is stuck on the trailhead of falsification

Deception, subterfuge, slander, falsehood
It's all an evasion from the one solid piece of authenticity
That I foolishly believed: I love you
It slipped off your tongue like oil
Smeared itself onto my skin
coated me in thick intoxication
I scrubbed my skin until it was red and raw
But oil... it sticks

You cemented onto me in a greasy tarnish
Absorbed yourself into my veins
Until you ran through the very blood
Flowing beneath my pristine surface

Your name was my epidemic
Your hands my masochistic delight
I thought maybe I could escape
With you still in sight

I can't peel back these metal cords
That chant your name in chorus
For they're the cords buzzing through my brain like electricity
Switching the lights on in my mind until I can see

The forgotten are extinct
And that is when this creature of darkness and chains
Erupting from the ground of black sheets
A brute otherwise known as myself; emerges...

Time stops.
Cessation in waves of silence
For I am gone
Lost in a game of chance
Varnished beneath irrevocable kisses of farewell
Cloey Olson Dec 2014
He walked with such an air about him
When he entered the room,
My heart shifted not from lust
But from the energy he shifted
As he walked across the room
As if he was tip toeing on breaking glass
As if the Earth was crumbling beneath him.
And I knew. I just knew.
This is what finding a soul mate feels like
When his pain shatters *my
When his Earth crumbles
Mine begins to quake
When his tears fall
A floodgate begins a tsunami in
*My soul
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