There're some things I'd like to change-
Some things I need to rearrange.
Things like my heart, my mind,
My whole **** life.

They need some tweaking,
Some fixing up,
But I don't know what went wrong.

I made it up as I went along;
I had no plan to follow.
Now I'm empty and hollow
And looking for something
To fill me up inside.

My head knows what I need,
But my heart refuses to believe.
I don't know how to make me better,
I only know I feel bound and fettered
By the choices I've made,
The things left unsaid,
And the things I've said too much.

They're killing me.

'Cause I can't take them back,
Or hit rewind and fix it.
I just have to build on top of it,
And, man, that's so hard-
To forget all the things
That make life so rough,
And act like they never happened;

To just keep on going
Like I never made that mistake,
Like it never cut me to the bone,
Like it didn't leave a scar.

It's too bad they don't make Mederma for the heart.

Forever ago,
               maybe,
I had done this before,
                            but growing up had pushed it aside,
      disregarded it as child’s play.

           Yet somehow as I listened
           to the rain
                        pounding against the auditorium roof,
the child in me
               awakened
                     and now I stand
                     breathless,
with my pant legs soaked, as
          he looks at me
                     and laughs
                              and takes my hand to walk me
                              to the dry and warm.
But before we step onto the sidewalk,
              as we linger there in the parking lot
in the swirling space between young and old,
       I can see us years ago
as 8 year olds dashing through nightfall
          to splash ourselves
joyously
               as we did tonight.  
   And for all the maturity I pretend to have,
             my soul sheds a  
                 raindrop tear
for the simple happiness

                                                            I have lost.

I dreamt someone spooned me while I slept
My body lay on its side
an entity I no longer understood
as it leapt inside me
Ticking in time with the pulse of my inner chaos
flecks of nothingness soaring in my mind
and then his arm curling around me
his fingers found mine in the crepuscular dark
legs bloomed behind my knees
warm breath misting the back of my neck
and a feeling of something
something something
something else entirely
descending down my spine
lovingly soothing each vertebra that
poked its head from my skin to catch a glimpse
of this new stranger ready to wake me
for the first time
The distance between us a frightening gesture
Did I dare turn to see
find in his my own eyes
Perhaps it was only
the mystery that sputtered my blood and
lent my spine a new edge
When I awoke I found that it
was only you.

I woke up in daze

the dream fresh in my mind,

how I’d kissed your tender lips

and held you in my arms.

but He told me the truth

that you were nowhere near.

that you had left a while ago

that you did not love me.

I demanded He explain

why my life was destroyed,

why my heart needed to break

why i lost all hope.

But all His wisdom proved futile,

He could find no words

because mine was a tragedy

the likes of which He’d never seen before.

He said forgive, forget and move on.

But all I could do was turn my back,

close my eyes, and dream on.

He saw you hurry down his door steps,
You did not stay the night.
He saw you hurry down his door steps,
Bouncing, even skipping in your flight.

He saw you walking on the boulevard,
You stuck to shadows all the way.
He saw you walking on the boulevard,
Entwined forever in this game you play.

You thought he didn't notice,
Blinded to your sin.
You thought he didn't notice,
The condition you are in.

He's not here you thought, so perfect,
Your lies will not be found.
He's not here you thought, so perfect,
Your heart telltale thumping underground.

He took the long way home,
He had to clear his head.
He took the long way home,
Wondering whether love is dead.

The winter wind was whipping,
Biting at his ears.
The winter wind was whipping,
His cheeks wet with tears.

He imagined your dress falling,
You rolling on his bed.
He imagined your dress falling,
So on the way he said,

"Why should I go home tonight?
It's not like she stayed true.
Why should I go home tonight?"
Said as if to you.

You cried after the first night,
He took the first train West.
You cried after the first night,
You never would have guessed.

The second night was harder still,
He left even his phone,
The second night was harder still,
He left his life, he left you there, crying all alone.

Next night you wept and knew your fault,
Betrayal betrayed you.
Next night you wept and knew your fault,
The love that could have grew.

Months had passed and time stood still,
Naught but guilt to get you by.
Months had passed and time stood still,
Your prayers answered, he called and asked you, "Why?"

Your heart it started racing,
Your words must be precise.
Your heart it started racing,
Leap of faith upon thin ice.

"I don't know what came over me,
I fear this void inside.
I don't know what came over me,
From my faults I cannot hide."

"I miss you now so dearly,
Won't you please come home?
I miss you now so dearly,
You no longer need to roam."

"I saw you hurry down his door step,
But that was just the start.
I saw you hurry down his door step,
As you trampled o'er my heart."

"I don't believe in love no more,
So I left it all behind.
I don't believe in love no more,
I kept looking for sign."

"Was nothing there in Omaha,
Nowhere further was I shown.
Was nothing there in Omaha,
Naught I hadn't known."

"Circumstance has changed me,
Our love it was not real.
Circumstance has changed me,
Your love I didn't feel."

It was over, a new day,
Tone hummed to her reply.
It was over, a new day,
She dropped the phone only to cry.

there were a few (fairly) successful techniques i used

to erase you.

one day

she may leave,

so

let me share a few.



unfortunately,

the whole ordeal wasn't as easy as sending you to my recycle bin

or backspacing your name out of my chest.

i couldn't paint over the dark alleys in my heart that you had

graffitied with your naked body,

nor could i sell any of the useless crap you left inside me on ebay.

what idiot wants to buy someone else's used compliments or broken promises??

whatever,

online shopping is overrated anyways.



so,

back to heart break...

let's begin with the

obvious.

i deleted you on

facebook,

how could we be "friends"

when seeing your name

was like force-feeding myself

a fresh slice of pain?

i erased your number.

i refuse to be the pathetic drunk

who sexts at three am,

reminiscing on all the good times

i thought we had.

"babeee, rememb er thast one

timse, when we madske love

underf the stasrs..."

so not my style,

must always remain classy,

even when the tornado

seems to heading straight for

your heart,

and the flying **** never seems to stop.

yes, the world may be falling apart,

but you always have the power to

smile.

remember that after the storm,

everything will be rebuilt

stronger.



i burned all of the 1,000 letters you never wrote

and all of the "I love yous" i never read (but in my head)

until

the ash of yesterday

became flames that could

guide me into tomorrow

unscathed.

in less poetic terms,

i stopped thinking about every *******

sweet thing you had ever said to me

and started focusing on other people's

words, namely my own.

6 months later, I am able to

hear the sound of your voice

without cringing.

180 days of un-remembering you,

and i finally am free to be me,

the girl/woman who is sitting here

realizing that you are going to learn

from me learning from you.

it's a crazy, beautiful, weird, ****** up process,

right?

this circle of life...





and finally,

i forced myself to

see you.

similar to the

way in which a diabetic child

gazes longingly through the

window of the neighborhood bakery,

all transparency and overly indulgent imagination,

i looked through you enough times

to convince myself you were the perfect

creation,

sweet but not sickeningly so,

**** but not too sour,

a hint of spiciness to aliven the equation and

a little bitterness to sharpen the sensation.

only problem is,

i forgot i was the chef.

seeing you now through clean eyes,

testing your flavor with a mouth sobered by truth,

your taste is still sweet

but a little fake,

Splenda instead of brown sugar.

I detect the artificiality,

is that why she is leaving you?



no matter the cause,

no matter the outcome of this

most painful breakup,

know that one day, you will love again.

you will meet that one person who will

wake you up from the dream

you didn't realize you were living,

that one who will bring breath

to parts of your body you didn't

know existed.

on the blackest of nights, you will walk around

a corner on some random street

in the middle of no where,

and there she will

be,

standing under a street lamp,

smiling up at the midnight sun.

her body will beckon you,

invite you to dance,

and

you must accept the call.

even if you are  scared,

even if your heart is still broken,

even if you think you still belong to the one who

left you,

you must answer to love,

and in return life

will answer to you.

once you allow yourself to fall again,

the hurt will mend,

and your wings will spread,

wider and more ready than ever.



always remember,

you are the only one

holding yourself prisoner.

In looking for that someone
To make my life just right,
Hope it won't be like Evangeline
Who will past me in the night,

One that will be just right for me
In size, weight, and height,
I've looked far and waited long
Could they have passed me in the night?

Lately…I’ve been practicing sleeping.
I’ve had to take pills to make the thoughts in my head shut off,
Slow down,
Stop,
Long enough to catch some rest.

Now, one of the questions you may be pondering is: why?
Chances are, you know as much as me.
Though I do have a theory at this moment in time…
Maybe it’s because I have worries and fears,
Ones that aren’t always entirely mine.

For instance, my selachophobia can keep me up
All into the wee hours of the night.
A fear of sharks for those of you wondering
And no, I have NO idea as to the origin of this phobia,
Maybe you might...

But can you blame me, really?
Have you seen those things?!
They just aren’t right;

Heads shaped like torpedoes,
Black eyes that roll into the back of their heads,
Serrated sets of teeth like razor blades,
And you wonder why I can’t get to bed?!

It's been proven that some types of sharks
are so big that if they didn't live in the water
they'd be crushed by their own weight on land
Like whales left beached and dying on the hot, dry sand

Basically, anything that swims, floats or crawls in the deep,
THOSE are the creatures
that make me lose sleep!

Then, there are chalkboards,
Before you ask, no, they do not strike fear into my heart
I simply do not like to be near them
And the sound of peoples nails on them – no, no
...I refuse to even start

Then...there's this mouthful: Athazagoraphobia
Fear of being ignored, forgotten or forgetting.

See, ignored is something no one likes to be,
and forgetting is something I think everyone worries about
but being forgotten, left out or remaining unseen
Well, I can't imagine a worse destiny

But believe me,
I know where this phobia stems from.
It's my uncertainty of the future
Graduation's just one year to come...

I don't where I'll be going
I don't know if I'm going to stay
All I know for certain is that I'm going to lose contact with
some of them...someday

I worry that when people look back and think of me
That all they're ever going to see
Was girl with skirts and smiles
Bright eyes and wavy hair
they thought looked pretty.

Not a girl with thoughts
brimming from the tip of her tongue
Someone with a fiery determination
and a need to get things done

But, I suppose I'll have to accept
it's going to be just fine either way.
That all we're ever going to get to say,
are sweet nothings in passing
“Hi's” on each other's facebook walls

Nothing that really means anything
But I suppose that's just dandy, all in all.
The thing is though, I'm just not ready
Not ready to let go

To stop seeing them everyday
To no longer have them within arms-length
To hug and talk to and cuddle with
But for now, all I can do is pray

Pray that these good times will last
Make an imprint in my memory and theirs long enough to remain
Long enough to look back on when decades have passed
With absolutely no need to complain

I always want the comfort of knowing they'll be there
the very second I reach out and need them
Have them there on the other end of the line
To soothe me and keep my nerves at bay

But...eventually...I know we'll all be going our separate ways.

So...that's why I've been practicing sleeping
And I know I'm getting there
But the fears?
Well, the fears aren't really going to go anywhere.