The minute you said you loved me...
I don't know what I thought
Maybe it was fantasy
Maybe it was dreaming
I think I thought things would be good
Wonderful, in fact
But I realized now that
I was sort of....
Afraid
To say it back
I should have realized
That loving is something
That should be feared

I think loneliness
is the worst kind of pain.
It is your heart hurting.
And your heart keeps you alive.
Loneliness is definitely
the worst kind of pain.

i'm alone again
the darkness keeps *finding me
holding myself together at the seams
and asking the voices in my head
if i should die
would anybody want me after what i've done?
would somebody accept me for what i've not done?
i miss two people now
but the thing is
they do not miss me.
after they leave
i can't breathe
oh god i can't breath
you see i am
not dead yet
not everything is bright and good
they are all gone** though
so their lives must be getting better

i woke up with puffy lips
i think were kissing in my dream last night
or maybe it's just my imagination
but yesterday you stood
closer
than you have before
don't think i'm going to
bring you back in to my chest
what's going to change anything
now compared to
before?
i'm not going to make exceptions
for people i used to love
so sorry

it's amazing how the light is vastly different from morning to night
in the morning it is warm and pink, orange, red
at night it is cool and blue, purple, green
and everytime i see sunrises i think of
the ones we could have shared together
and when i see sunsets i think of
the ones we sat down for
i never thought i would fall asleep in anyone's arms
but yours
i guess it's the small things i shouldn't have taken for granted

magic kingdom
magic castle
tomorrow land was yesterday
fantasyland full of
peter pan and cinderella
NASA rockets
towering giants
risky space
I licked space ice
cream from a
dip n' dots
anti-gravity cup
sailed the stars
of a projection
screen
the beach was quite
beachy
peachy
bright sand
hot sun
freezing pacific
specific ocean
seagulls laughing
diving swooping
snatching
shells underfoot
washed up
****** back
cloudy
salty
H2O
crusty wind
blowing wind
ocean wind
ron jon's
surf's up
beach babes
beach boys
orlando
florida

i find myself eating with the thought in mind of how it will feel coming up
i find myself staring at the toilet when i go to the bathroom
wishing i had the guts to do something about it
what a pun

(i)'m sitting right next to you in English class
and i (can) smell the cologne i memorized for six months
(like) warm cinnamon bread and   air
it's specifically (you)
and (i) keep dreaming of you
(just) when i smell that
and i absolutely (can't) forget it
can you please forget about me, (love)?
(you) don't deserve the horrid memories.

there are sheets of paper lying scattered around my room
they are to you
the lines are filled with words untold and
things i could never tell you with a straight face
it's like i took a blade and cut up my heart into
thin enough slices to read
the black pen is blotched and splattered
i couldn't stop my hand from shaking
there is one letter for every day of the past week
i'm tempted to leave them around
see if you find them or not
see if you get the hint that you are the cause of things
i don't feel anything after i'm done writing
i'm done with it
i have spilled my blood too many times to count
i drink a fine wine called bleach to get rid of the taste of you

the sun seemed warm today
kind of like how you seemed warm
the grass was cold and brown
i hope it isn't totally dead
the trees wilted when i walked under them
i even made the plants sad
things aren't the same anymore
im sad
somethings missing
in the snapchats i wanted to send you
in the letters i wanted to give you
in the unwritten words i wanted to write for you
somethings different
and i don't know whether or not
it's good or bad

maybe it is simply best to walk through a day half asleep
run a hand through your hair and a finger over your cheeks
stare blankly at the teacher and pretend to listen
act like nothing's wrong and fake a laugh that bubbles
feign a bright smile to make people happy
hope nobody sees your deadened eyes and waning mood
don't tell them you aren't happy at all
that bruises are lining your legs again and tears stain your pillow
don't tell them you aren't happy
that you don't have as strong of a will to live anymore
that your calorie intake is slimming because
you
just
aren't
hungry anymore.
don't tell them you aren't happy

My mind tells me things are wrong with this world
That I belong somewhere else
In a universe where love is always blind
And love is always kind
I'm experiencing a case of bad
Deja vu
In my dreams
I see you almost every night
And wake up screaming into my pillow
I can't bear to see your face haunt my sleep as well
It only reminds me of how inferior
I was to you
Did you finally draw away because
You saw me how I see myself?

I AM SAD
AND YOU
DON'T CARE
BECAUSE WHY
SHOULD YOU?
I'M NOTHING ANYMORE
AND I WANT TO
MAKE YOU JEALOUS
BUT ALL I'VE ACHIEVED
IS A SENSE OF LOSS
AND SADNESS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK?

Beneath my veins, he feels wrong
Because he doesn't feel like you
My throat is heavy, darling
Oh God
My throat is heavy
I've fallen for entirely the wrong person
The flowers are sad
Because I've fallen for
Entirely the wrong person
I promised myself
I wouldn't regret, darling
And I promised myself I wouldn't
Miss things
But things are messy
To say the least
There's a million more things
I want to say to you, darling
Just know that I hate the things you do
Because I care too much

Snowflakes on eyelashes
And smiles on lips
Powdered sugar on noses
Laughs pouring from opened mouths
Upturned faces
Toward a baby blue sky
Forgetting about everything else
About him
About them
About her
And focusing on you
Hot chocolate warms the worries away
Blankets keep the fears at bay
And you
My darling
Keep me feeling alright again

I'm the happiest I've been in so long
It feels like a weight has been lifted
From my heavy shoulders
And I have a friend I didn't have before
With eyes like the sun
And a smile like the moon
Makes my heart stop
And my mouth go dry like nobody
Has before
Gentle hands are what made me fall
Into infatuation
He laughed before I saw him
And called me beautiful
Before I had met him
His mouth had spun those words into gold
Purely gold
His lips created words into masterpieces
He knows smooth
And already I am under the spells he has
Woven around my feeble frame.
God, I'm yours.

Oh God
He likes me
Oh Lord
He likes me
I think I like him
I know I like him
First date gone by
Winter formal dance
The words coming from his mouth next
"Looking forward to the next date."
Had my stomach tied in knots
Climbing out of his Mercedes Benz
With the broken radio
And the heat on full blast
A smirk
A smile
A raised eyebrow
A nod of the head
A kiss?
Too soon, perhaps
He a junior, me a sophomore
We could go places
The mall
Photo booth Polaroids
Strung about my room
Shared laughs
Long nights
Tired eyes
Upraised mouths
A relationship?
Maybe
A friend?
Definitely.

There were nights long ago
That the flowers fell asleep with me
And the moon sung a lullaby
That rained silver dollars
On our heads
A few years later
Something came over me
I got ready to go to bed
And I crawled between the covers
Smiling like a fool
But once the lights turned off
I had anxiety attacks all night
Until I miraculously fell asleep
Then quite a few years after that
A couple hours before my head hit the pillow
My lungs would tighten
And my heart would constrict
Around my broken feelings
Because I was afraid of seeing you
Mingling with my dreams
I would breath heavy
Under the shower water
And choke on the mint of my toothpaste
Until I had to suffocate
In my pillow
Muffled gasps masked by sweat
And fear
Just last night
I had a dream about you
It was vivid as daylight
Crisp as snow
We were lovers again
Except I got revenge on you
And made you miss what you
Could only have once
And the attacks are getting progressively worse
I find myself sitting in classes
With an expressionless face
Dead eyes and a posture to match
I hope you can see me
But forget about me when I die
And buried in the cold earth
With the flowers asleep with me
And the moon crying silver dollars
On our heads

I know I stare at you like a *****
I can't help it
I know I lose my smile when I see you
It's automatic
I know I distance myself from your presence
Reactionary
I know you hate me
It's understandable
I know I dislike you
It's obvious
I know I'm done with you
A long time ago

We pressed so close
That our hearts touched

As I am driving through this nameless countryside there are a hundred red lights blinking on the hillsides as far as the eye can see.
And I think to myself, "Oh, the resemblance to life those fleeting lights hold. They are there and gone so quick."
And as I sit in this car listening to blurred together songs I feel so small, so insignificant.
And I realize how I wish to be the dark lights that don't blink at all.
I think I already am.
The ridges on my skin are only as high as a Catholic, my feelings as deep as a hurricanes stormy seas and my expression as blank as a white sheet of paper.
It states something, a blank paper, I think.
It shows that no thoughts are better because you can insert whatever you would like me to imagine right there in my expressionless eyes.
But with you I believe I felt something, a glimmer of love maybe?
But you didn't see even a sparkle.
Who is going to love you now?
Who is going to hold you and pick up broken pieces?
Not me.
I can guarantee that.

For the first time, last night
I literally cried all my tears out
It felt good to feel the pain
Of the shivering emanating from
My heart
I couldn't keep my eyes closed tight enough
And my jaw wouldn't unclench
From its lock around my tongue
And when I sobbed
It shook my entire being
And rattled my teeth
And echoed in the covers
My legs curled into my chest
Trying to hold my bleeding heart in
I couldn't grab it though
I tried tearing it out
Clawing at my sternum until red
Rakes lined the flesh
I fell asleep somewhere around 1 A.M.
And today I can hardly keep my eyes open
I think I have already fallen asleep
In one class
But things are blurring together
And I'm not complaining because
It feels too **** good to be
Oblivious

His hair was dark as pitch, night dripping from the ends of the long strands. His eyes were bluer than that of the sky, clearer than the ocean and more crystal than a diamond underwater. His lips, full and ever-smiling, crooked and wicked. Pale rose with teeth white in between and a tongue that teased with a simple flick over his lips. The line of his jaw was strong, the angles of his cheekbones and nose chiseled fine enough to cut. He had the face that you would want to see last before you died, or fell asleep so that the imprint was left behind your eyelids. His hands were slender, long fingers tapered to slim tips that could caress you into dreams deeper than that of the universe. His wrists were small but not so much that you could break them, and they grew into wiry muscled arms, strong enough to embrace you and lull you to love. His chest, wider than his hips which were slim, the kind that jeans hung onto and slid off of. His waist was trim, and his abdomen carried a lank pack of abs. His legs, lean and long drifted over the ground when he ran to talk to you with his smile all off center.
He moved like a gazelle, graceful like the wind that whipped a flag into a frenzy. He could hurdle in track like he hurdled my heart, just barely but enough to skim it with the toe of his left foot. He caught me between the tread of his hand and the material of his skin.
He listened to me as intently as a rabbit listening for a fox, but with much more movement than an ear twitch. He cried with me, laughed with me, sighed with me. He huddled me between the wall and his chest and stilled my shivers caused by the monsters under my skin and the closets in my mind. And he loved me enough to make me whole again, squeeze me back together with the glue of his adoration. I fixed him, too, fitting him into place among my missing puzzle pieces that I had lost long ago. Never did I know that more than one person fit my edges.
And he isn’t real yet. But I feel as if he will come along, meet my eyes, match my timid smile with a full blown grin and grab my heart in both of his cupped palms.

I'm paint on a sun bathed wall
Fading with the dust that coats there
I am the wind that howls like it misses somebody
I'm lonely too, just like it
I'm drying hay bundled in a field
Withering with the heat of the summer
And I am old blood painted on a porcelain ledge
Chipping off with each bath taken

Every song
Every lyric
Every word
Reminds me of you
And of our time
Lying together beneath the stars
Under the hovering clouds
In front of the low hanging sun
Listening to the same music
I am hearing now
And I find myself willingly
Turning it on
Turing it up
Then turning it off
You see
I miss laughing at the feeling
It gave us
And the chills
It saved us
You see
I'm two steps from hell my dear
And this music
Isn't making it any better

It is only 11:45 at night but it already feels like 2 in the morning.
A black and featurless night that washes away rational fears and
Replaces them with monsters more real than can be imagined.
I have so much to say to you, so much to tell you and show you.
But alas I cannot because understanding would be futile.
You see, my love, (if I can still call you that)
I still want you, still love you I suppose.
I am lost, adrift amid a sea of black impenetrable and so very vast.
I am unable to say that I am okay, but I am not in a desolate state of utter misery either,
I sometimes seem to trick myself into thinking so.
You see, I miss you at 5 in the early dawn when everything slumbers on the very edges of consciousness,
When the birds wake and coo to their partners.
I miss you in the depths of the night, 12 o'clock and desperate for company.
And I miss you at 3 in the afternoon when the kids get out of school
And the world rushes by in a blur from a grimy school bus window.
But, it is not really the mental connection that I crave.
It was more your body, your hands, your lips exploring parts of my body that have not yet been explored.
I am aware that I could trick many other willing guys into playing with me,
Dancing their lush tongues against already blemished skin,
But I can only imagine you holding me in the wails of my agonizing pleasure, the moans of my miserable release.
I can only see your hands caressing my hips and your back ridged beneath my exploring fingertips.
And I can definitely imagine other, more  pleasant men, guys,
That could satisfy my burning desire for a certain closeness.
Do you feel the same?
I looked at your Tumblr the other day.
It has grown wasted.
The margins of your pages have been filled with sorrow.
Am I the cause of this?
One post caught my eye.
It was a wall scribbled with words jumbled and tangles like my thoughts, and probably yours as well.
It read something I almost couldn't bear to read.
It must have expressed your feeling well, for I had seen it before, but never thought anything of it.
It said that you wished I would bleed, that I would become miserable at best.
Can't say I'm not already there.
It said you were a friends of the devils.
Is that really true?
And it said that you were too nice a person to do these things it said.
I didn't really believe it.
Above it a screen had a few words stated simply in a piercing blue.
"I wish I could you hate you but I can't bring myself to."
I guess I feel the same.
In the end, I am a broken person and you are one who fixes, a savior of wasted toys.
Was that all I was to you?
A project that needed fixing?
I didn't end up quite like how you wanted me to, I was too broken and missing too many parts you couldn't find.
It isn't shocking, that you gave up on me, I mean.
I am quite easy to abandon, you could say that yourself.
But I don't miss it like I thought I would.
No.
I kept trying to convince myself to run back to you, to beg mercy,
To stick your hammer back in your hand and lay myself bare on your worktable.
But I couldn't bring myself to ask forgiveness to what I had done.
My mind wasn't functioning enough for that.
And so now I sit here in the dark of my basement, my dog lying here beside me and snoring in a blissful sleep,
His chest rising and falling like machinery.
My veins are popping up from my hands and my fingers hurt from the non-stop typing I have been doing.
And I can only stare in fascination at the webbing of blue that coats my right hand,
The shadow it casts from the pale of my computer screen.
Did you know I haven't been eating as much lately?
I'm actually losing weight now, slowly but surely, just like I promised you.
But you can't see the end result when I will be pretty,
You won't see me spread eagle beneath you on a pillow top bed like we dreamed together.
Some other person will.
And I feel bad for you, dumping me in the black bottomless pit that is the single life, because I could be gold on the inside, it just takes some panning to see it.

You know, I seem to have forgotten the look of your eyes
When they laugh
Or are happy
I can see now that you didn't laugh much in the last few weeks
You know what was coming
And I guess deep down so did I
Things didn't go like I thought they would
I remember whispering
forever
Under my breath
A halfway there
Promise
But now we are hardly considered friends
How did things become this way
Why did they have to end this way
I didn't think I'd done anything wrong
Things just didn't.....work out
And I feel as if you hate me
I look at your blog everyday
Did you know that?
There was one that hurt me
It was graffitied on the wall of a concrete building
And I make you
sick
According to those words
And you hope I bleed
I guess I already am

Slowly
But not surely
Am I gaining feeling
In my broken mind
Again

I used to care about things
I don't anymore
And I guess that's my own **** fault
I mean
I fell in love
But you pushed a blade
And I missed you
But you shot a bullet
And I guess I am just confused
As to how things came
To be like this

Who am I kidding
You don't love me
It's whatever though
You found her
Someone new
Is two days enough?
Or do you need less time
I'm not even past
The words that ended us
But you aren't afraid to
Love again
Do you like her
Like you loved me?
Do you adore her
Like you craved me?
You think so
But you don't care
Whether or not
I care either
It's whatever though
And I can't believe
I wasted my time wooing
Over you
I can't believe I wrote
Poems about you
Because that is the
Most sacred display
Of love
You didn't care
You never did
It's whatever though...

This day
I can't deal and
I can't believe
I didn't see the signs
I mean they were
Obvious
You were feeling
Betrayed
Hurt
Broken
Trust me I know
That feeling all too
Well
But that's no excuse
My darling
I still love you
With most my heart
To be truthful
But not all
Not like it used to be
Something happened
I'm not sure
What it was
And I truly am sorry
It seemed as if
I didn't care
But oh my God
I do.....

She was strangely optimistic in the sense that she saw the good to the very bad
It was a peculiar kind of good
The kind where you almost die
But you didn't
Or something terrible happens
But thank God you weren't involved
Or even if you were involved
At least you learned something from it
This twisted sense of optimism
Was almost enticing
Like smoke on a red stained lip
Or spilt wine on a pale-fleshed breast
It was waking
A douse of cold water
And a shout hello
Because it was startlingly true
Shockingly harsh
But it was life
And so was she

Whisper nice things in my ears
Make me laugh like
I used to
Because I
Can't take
This pain for
Much longer
It's gripping me
Like a vise
And I can't find
The handle
That loosens it

I remember when I was young
I would blow eyelashes off the tips of my small fingers
And wish for a pony or a unicorn
Literally
I was a cliche kid
Into all the Barbies and sparkles and soccer
And now I'm still a cliche kid
With hipster glasses and an ego to match (none)
Now, when I wish upon those dying stars
I hope for something more
Like money
Or happiness
Or freedom
Something to spare me time to have fun
Because I'm too wound up nowadays
From the stress of school (ugh)
And the problems of my family
And those eyelashes blown from my roughening skin
Is spent on much more meaningful things
Than fantasy story creatures
Sorry to disappoint.

I held a galaxy that told you
"Please don't say goodbye"
And you didn't care

Sitting watching the winds dance through bare ***** trees, their branches swaying methodically
The leaves twirling in graceful loops down through the stubborn branches getting caught on the jutting appendages
Lands with a soft pat on the dried grass below, flicking into a comfortable position, nestling into the leaves
A mourning dove cooing in soft burbles of sounds intermingling with the cry of calling crows
A woodpeckers tap-tap-tapping up the trees and flitting through the browned leaves their strangled songs ringing
The hawk circling lazily above the treetops with wings outstretched in a long line, undisturbed and smooth
A squirrel scuttles through the leaf litter and digs a home for the nut it holds in its quivering mouth, front paws scurrying
The family of turkeys cluck a quiet conversation to and fro with feathers ruffled from the chill wind
That wind carries the promise of winter in its icy clutches with the scent of polar clear in its currents
My reddened cheeks tingling from the sun warming them out of their frozen stupor, egging them from the shock
The sunlight dimples across the perfectly fitted leaves littering the forest floor below me, dappled from the shadows
Fuzzy grey outlines pattern the weeds lining the bases of trees, the stick thin traces of branches divide and crack
The air is coloured with a warmth undescribed, brown and red and orange licking the edges of everything like flame
You can almost taste the seasoning of fall mixed with the oxygen, spiced like pumpkin and cinnamon sticks
Rough bark crackles beneath my curious fingers, tips brushing flaking tree, the very skin that holds in the feelings (sap)
Blue sky peeks between fluffed clouds fresh from the dryer with the sheets still mixed with them
Pink veins behind closed eyelids faced towards the orb of light in the sky that heats the ozone around the earth
Autumn eating fire surrounds the people too oblivious to notice this indescribable beauty.

The bedroom walls don the shadows of the falling snowflakes
Through the window boughs swing heavy with crystals
Shimmering in the muted light of the crescented moon
Tracks of invisible animals impressed into that white
A wind whistling through empty corridors of an abandoned house
With a chandelier twisting in the ecstatic breeze
Flurries whipping frantically through that chilled air
Winter

Sweater weather*
Is
Better weather
And these big glasses
Don't hide much more than eyes
Guess I'm just a hipster.