you bent your neck like you were trying to break it
as he posed looking contemplative, a little agitated
as if he wished he were somewhere else

and then it starts-
the race for "i cared less"
the emptiest chest
the slowest heart beat
no starters
no ready, set,
you'll know it when
you feel it

and dear, i know
he was a childhood home
he was warm wooden floors
and the view from your bedroom window
but he also feels like
ringing the doorbell to an abandoned house
and expecting somebody to let you in
you are the kind of girl who gets halloween flowers
you liked the part where he looked dead in the shower

*he didn't complete you, he showed you how to begin

i'm wearing nothing
but a blanket and
the glow of my tv

and i wanna talk to you about
innocence
and fragility

consider this my
loudest plea

how many licks does it take
to get to the center of
your universe?

i'll never know

i woke up this morning
wishing i hadn't
and the sky wept for me
then revealed one of the
most vibrant rainbows
i've ever seen.
i couldn't look at it
because every color
is someone i used to love
and god, red is painful

kiss a girl
with cigarettes on her breath
to know how it tastes
to be thrown away

kiss a boy
soaked in whiskey
to know the taste
of regret

lately
i haven't been able
to decide which is worse;
drowning
under the weight
of the crashing waves
or killing myself
from the thirst
of avoiding them.

sometimes, when i lay down in bed at night
i still think back to being 13 years old and
sitting in that lawn chair on your apartment balcony
and smoking a cigarette, listening to the song
"hospital" by lydia
and taking in the words
"i'll never ever leave there, i'll never leave."
i thought i wouldn't, at least.
nothing really mattered when
side walks and street lights at 11pm
and never being alone, always felt heavier
than anything else, in the best way,
and i miss that comfort.
you were the last thing i could honestly call home.
that means a lot when you can't remember
the last time someone meant to
touch you.


we like to think that we are
made of beautiful things until someday,
someone opens our mouth and
bats fly out and we realize
we’ve been empty
the whole time.

wouldn't it be useless
to ask you to take me back
after miles and miles of
missed phone calls
and 3 break ups

simply because i want you

it wouldn't work
because you just want a girlfriend
someone to hold when
the nights get too cold
and eyelids feel too heavy
you want comfort

i want all the pain
that is being yours

i wonder
when you’ll realize,
the emptiness
of a bottle
doesn’t replace
the emptiness
you feel.

we had a silent love
like a loose tooth
and no doors to slam,
just your rhymes
without any reason
and your pills made you
sicker than the season
we didn't speak a word
to eachother & i realized
that i needed you
right after you got tired
of chasing me.

i swear,
your eyes used to
drip honey when
you talked about
me, i swear they
did.

everything i say
is poison so i
bite my lip and
hope i never tear
a hole through.

lord knows you
can’t handle
anything with
a kick.

your mother used to
think of me as a street drug
but the bigger problem was
that she didn't treat you
like an addict and you
did not act like one.

your mother is gone now
and unable to see the real
street drugs you've been
hiding under your tongue
and in your pockets
but i'm sure she'd still
look at me as if i were
death itself.

this is me
S C R E A M I N G
i need more attention than i've been getting
since ***** been hard
and i am
absolutely
anything
but okay

you've seen all the bad
you've seen the nasty parts of people
the parts that betray and take advantage
so you know better
you're terrifyingly intelligent
and dangerously aware
but the love you give
is purer because of this.
don't let anyone make you feel
like damaged goods.

i like to torture myself
with the crippling thought
that if i still knew you,
and not just who i made,
i'd love you even more

your 90's dress sense
leather jacket
and bad hair bleach job
is all a part of someone
i have yet to know
but your eyes that
sink in above your cheeks
and the tiny gap
between all of your teeth
are the parts of you
that i can recognize as what
i'm still learning to let go of.

i fell in love with death
and she apologized.
i asked why
but as i began to close my eyes,
i understood.

i understood
when i burned down
all the churches
because i was upset
your shoulders
weren’t framed
in a single one.

on nights when you remember
can you feel my anger
through all of these years
and all of the miles?

everything that you touch
is luckier than i am

the days of the week
named after phases of the moon
we made love on waning crescent
& slept in when it was new

when i think about you
i think about being so close
that our heartbeats are touching

i think about laying in your
dark blue bed sheets
cologned in your honey breath
wanting you to rip me open
and fall in love with my organs

i remember all i want for christmas
is for you to let me be
in the same room as you
and how when you cracked your neck
it sounded like a question

i think of how you left before your
scent could soak into my pillowcases
and i think about hating you for that

then i think about you, starved skinny
and her fishnets getting caught on
everything and you loving it

and i think of the violin in the next room
that sounded like "**** me **** me **** me"
and telling you that being held
does not make you a prisoner

and i think about the ambien hearted girl
and you shaking her to wake her up
while i'm jealous of the dying/dead

still am

give your body to a winter's boy-
he'll lay you down, strip your clothes
and you'll undress even further than that
but he'll leave you in the cold
and push your so far under his bed
he forgets he ever had such parts of you
in his own two hands and
never gave them back
you're frozen, now,
and you wait all spring
to find summer's girl
and all she does is hold your hand
and you're standing in a pool
of the ice melted around your skin.
next thing you know,
you're in a palet she made on the floor
on her balcony, overlooking the railroad
and the greenest forest on the other side
and it's 3 in the morning and
you're smoking a cigarette
to get rid of the taste of alcohol and sugar
but then you kiss her and
she tastes the same way.
you don't want the season to end
but you're still watching yourself
glow from the inside out.

thinking of you
kept me up again
and i may be
dreaming myself
through
existence,

but when you
live in my brain
but don't sleep
in my arms,
i finally
understand
distance.

i saw an injured bird
making it's way
through the grass
in my back yard.
i didn't know
how to help it,
so i put out the
last of my cigarette,
went back inside,
and picked up my phone.

1 missed call

i called you back,
you didn't answer.

this morning,
i watched a bird
helplessly search
for safety,
and walked away.

that was the second hardest part of the day.

take me back
to when love used to be
holding hands in a movie theater
and sitting next to each other at lunch
and writing their name on your hand
where no one got hurt too bad

as opposed to getting drunk
and sleeping with all of your friends

you said you could never hate me,
but what if i told you
what i did,
what i've been doing
who i've been doing*
and how old he is
and who he's married to
and what if i told you
that i think i like it?

you said you could never hate me,
but what if i told you
i thought of him
when you squeezed my hand
one
two times
and gave me a half smile?
what if i told you
that when he did that
i thought he was
pumping blood
straight into
my body.

you said you could never hate me,
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i'm sorry.
i'm so sorry.

earlier tonight, i walked across a busy street
with my hands in my pockets and my eyes closed
in such a desperate need to once again,
feel the weight of your body on top of mine.
about two or three different car horns
pierced through the atmosphere,
but i paid no attention to it.

it all just sounded like God laughing.

i'm punching the walls until they bleed
eyes wide for days without a minute of sleep
i am your bedroom when it's too dark to see
and i am your heart when you hand it to me
i was freezing and wet under the pale sky
with a cigarette in my hand, we made it inside
starting forest fires with the bat of an eye
everything is warm between you and i

january stole your breath again
now you're crouched in the corner, rocking back & forth
hoping she gives it back before the season ends

once, i liked a guy
who was good with his words,
a poet, if you will.
it didn't take long
to realize that was all
he was good with,
and relationships
were at the bottom
of that list.
now i wonder
if those two traits
go hand in hand.

it's not hard
only to want love
to write about.

1) be more honest with others about how i feel. i have no reason to waste my time trying not to "hurt your feelings" if i need to call you out for problematic behavior.
2) be more assertive. i've spent way too much time biting my tongue. it's time to get what you want.
3) learn to say no. i am not obligated to do anything that would harm me physically, mentally, or emotionally under any circumstances.
4) get out more. spend less time in bed. don't turn down people that want to hang out and don't cancel plans just because you're depressed and fatigued. you're always pleased with the outcome of pushing yourself to get out there. remember that, but also know your limits.
5) don't act so vulnerable. smile less. speak louder. express anger when needed.
6) think with my brain, not my heart. do what i need to do. think clearly now, write about my feelings later.

"i'm sorry i can't
keep you safe."


                                                                                                           "i'm sorry i'm so
                                                                                                            clumsy that you
                                                                                                                 feel like you
                                                                                                                       should."

the most memorable
first kiss i've ever had
was shared with you.
i leaned in, pressed
my lips against yours
and i put my hands on
your chest. you threw
your head back and
laughed like a God.
i've spent over a year
being confused as to
why you did that and
why you never explained.
i know now that it's because
you knew i was looking
for your heart and you
knew that you didn't have one.

unless she's given it back,
you still don't.

i remember
one of the times
i got scared and
called it off,
you found someone else.
when you told me
you still loved me
at 3 in the morning,
i asked you, in a
desperate attempt
for you to hurt me
more than i had
hurt myself,
"did you sleep with her?"
your answer still
to this day
leaves me wondering
if i want to break
her hands
or my own.