circus clown

circus clown Jun 2014

it is until it isn't
it does until it doesn't
you are until you aren't

three statements i refuse to believe
one idea pressed into me like
hot metal on a wrinkled shirt sleeve
discouragement is a word
from which i am free
sixteen is a number
i will not let hold me

not my best. i'm not used to writing about positivity, but i had to express this.

i really appreciate megan (http://hellopoetry.com/megan-grace/) talking me out of feeling discouraged about my poems after some negative feedback this morning. thank you. <3

circus clown Jun 2014

god is a terrorist

i don't think i'll ever forgive him
for choosing me to suffer without you
you were ripped from me
i have been at the bottom of the sea
he thought an ark would save everyone
i'm still here, i am drowning
i am the prodigal son,
confused, setting fire to every pew
that made me believe in him
more than my own self
i don't need him like i need you
i will baptize myself in your name
i will crucify my body and let
my soul find itself your way
until that day comes, i am
waiting for you to join me
let's tessellate.

i woke up at 7 this morning, made a cup of coffee, and smoked a cigarette on my back porch and watched the rain. i thought of the idea for this poem then. this is what i consider a really good morning.

circus clown Jun 2014

baggage

you used to sing to me
but it's been days since i've
heard anything from you directly
and i completely understand if
your world is crashing down
under the weight of my sadness
but the one thing i have to ask is
to please, take back this
agonizing pain that you gave me
on your way out of the door.

or you could just call.

circus clown Jun 2014

hint

i was just outside
smoking a cigarette
in my usual little spot
when i could've sworn
the scent of your skin
had just fluttered right
past me too fast for
me to catch it and
all i could think was
that it is just like you
to stop by, then leave
before i knew you were
even there in the first place

moments like these are the worst part of missing you. not painful enough to cry over it, too depressing to do anything but close my eyes and sigh.

circus clown Jun 2014

you; the miracle

you are the difference between
the salt and the honey
you both pour on my wounds
you are the way i feel
after 2 cups of coffee and
the first cigarette of the day
you are the purple, red, yellow
you are the blue in the
pigment of my knuckles after
biting them, waiting for your
sweetest replies and
your most bitter neglect
you are the gold glitter
my heart is so fond of
you are the realizations
i make and forget by morning
you've waited so long for this
i don't know how you handle
being the center of
everything i cannot

we've waited so long for this but i don't know where you are.

circus clown Jun 2014

alvin

you told me once that i am
a dead body on a puppet string
and i'm still not sure
what you meant by it
but i kept those words
stuck them in between
each of my ribs and i
will be embalmed with them
long before you realize
they were ever missing

circus clown Jun 2014

imprint

i bet even after all this time
that if my chest were to
ache with emptiness enough
like it used to i could go to your house
and find the outline of our bodies
on your dark blue bed sheets
i have spent the last year
both trying to run from you
and find you at the same time
but i left everything i knew
about falling in love
on that mattress and
it's still settling there
like dust and
all i can do is write about you
until it comes back to me,
or by some kind of miracle,
you decide to.