I woke up late. **** it I hate waking up late.
Hungover. Terribly hungover.
Shower


the only way ill be able to start today is if i crawl in that shower. turn the water all the way up to scolding.
I sit and let the water hit my back like ambers from fresh flames
i watch my skin turn pink from the heat.
I sit and sit and think of where to start and how I didnt want too and there is too much to do ,
going back and forth with myself for much to long on where to begin
I grab my shampoo and begin to wash my hair.
Wash it all out baby, it's all good, just wash it out.
Skin still burning
Im still sitting
Still dissapointed in myself for drinking
and then all at once ,
I wasnt.
I sat up and then I just got up. I got up and reached the dial and turned the water all the way cold. I needed it this is what I need I need to get out of my comfort I need different my body and life is begging for change so I turn the water even more make me feel like im ice
Wake me up.
i reach for my conditioner and massage it into my hair from the tips to the root and twist it into a bun
I grabbed my sponge and teatree wash and poured
and told myself
Scrub.
Scrub it all away. Today is a new day you are reborn everyday is a new chance every day you are forgiven if forgiveness is what you choose and you can be better. todays my chance to be better. All I have to do is begin
I walk back underneath the icy water and my eucalyptus plant and i rinse
I close my eyes and rinse
and I stay under awhile longer and just embraced the cold.
I open my eyes turn the water off .
Thankyou
Bless You

negativity has hit our univerese like a plague in the recent years. at first overlooked and now progressively growing inside everyone each day.
in the smallest things subconsciously our minds and the minds of youth.

im not going to write poetically right now i just need to be 100% raw. In everyday things im noticing even in myself that i am influenced by things i see on social media.
the memes we share and promote and advertise to all ages and ranges  comparing one women or man to one another is toxic and feeds jealously and negativity. people putting one another down. classifying. ranking one another, im guilty of it too. and i just am trying to change the way i look at them the people i envy i have to bring it back and recognize the things i am jealous of or envy i have all of hose things inside of me and i need to bring them to light and everything we want we everything i want can be reached can be achieved.
and also the age line is basically none existent but we have to remember it all starts with a vision.
it all starts with a idea or a dream.
you see a beautiful women or man and them be super successful in business remebers they were once where we were , where i feel like i am. ive been lost my life has been a mess ive been distracted careless , to my dreams and the bigger picture and my ultimate intentions for myself and my life.
But then the other day I saw it.
I saw my own light. I remembered who I am.
I am not the chaos I have lived through I am not the damage that has been done and that cannot  be changed.
I am the difference. I am the force that can change it all. I can take away all my pain. kiss my own hands. I forgive you I love you.
Let things go let people go if they want to leave dont fight it let them go.
Let go of the dresses and secrets they wont return. Its okay
there are more dresses.
There are more people to share your love with.
People just waiting to come into your life and thrive with you.

This is the begining for me
Forever starts today.
The relationship with myself. To build and support my dreams as much as I do to everyone I love.

why has this happened
Why has he done this
Questions often asked
In the bitter end.
That’s the wrong approach
What has this taught me
What lesson am I learning
How can I grow?

-  every failure is a lesson every lesson is a gift

I believe in love
I believe in the songs
Humming birds sing
Into the Golden skies as
The moon and sun meet

I believe in the butterflies
The feeling they bring
That flutter in my belly
I believe

I believe
In Love
I believe in the bigger picture
In destiny
Fait created out of stardust
I believe in the beginnings
I trust in the Endings
I believe in love

i remember my first thoughts of you
how your eyes were gold
they glimmered when i looked inside of them
how i felt
butterflies
goosebumps
and i couldnt keep the corners of my lips from producing a smile.
i remember my first thoughts of you
how swoon your skin on my skin made me.
now when i think of you
i feel things in my stomach
knots on knots
you make me feel like ive caught a plague
that no longer exists, i have it.
you make my skin boil
you make me feel mean
and when i think of you now
i just feel utterly weak
disgusting
you disgust me
your memory has been tarnished
you were disguised as a heaven
but you were my greatest hell
ive escaped you
im leaving
for good
good riddance

i saw her in a dream.
a perfect reflection of every good intention ive had for myself
loving caring beautiful stable with silky long blonde hair
a toned body and tanned skin.
i saw her in a dream
a second reality.
she keeps fresh flowers by her bed side
hangs eucalyptus in her shower
wakes up at decent hours of the morning and
goes to work on time.

the reality is

i get too drunk
i sleep till noon
im broke and
i lost my phone
i have bags under my eyes
i watch to much ****
i wear clothes that dont fit
all my flowers have died
but i do have fresh eucalyptus hanging in my shower.

all that has happened
to live with the things
i cant even dream of changing
im finding peace in the chaos
so i can find the strength in me
to forgive myself

jess is a girl with rainbow hair
and wears red retro shades
she is a woman
she has fire in her eyes
cheers to new friendships
brought together by the ocean.
bless you

todays the day
the first day
a begining.
people commit so much time down playing the new year.
but its exciting
im excited
the new year is a gift
another year
thankyou
bless you
all my love,
cierra

today i wore a sundress.
a yellow sundress.
with teal flats and black tights
and my favorite knit sweater.
i felt lovely and beautiful
every way i have wanted to feel.

in my heaven a field of irisis will guide the path to you.

i am a dahlia
in your palms
glorifying your hands
as rich soil for my roots to grow deeply
theres no room for me to grow here.
the water will slip through your fingers and i will starve
my petals will wilt
and that is no way to treat a flower

today temptation
kissed my air

  with the scent of lust
and taste of ruin.
a dark haired stranger
with tattoos on his neck
my body ached to know his.
but not an inch of me caved
i can not let my self know this
dark haired
angelic
problematic
demon.
lust is not love.

its all very interesting.
as the days continue
the trees get more golden
we look more and more alike.

i have fallen in love with life and all its colors.
all over again
like ive been living in black and white until recent

i tremble at the sight of towering trees
all of their beauty makes me weak at the knees
how i appreciate and praise
nature and nurture
nurture, nature
all she ever does is give and give.

the world is especially golden this hour
it really moves me.
i am moved
magic is upon us
raining down
glowing glory
bless you.

I come home late, I sit and converse with my room mates, I have revelations and swear I almost smile and feel me , myself lying underneath the surface of my skin, she's here again. At the end of the night , early morning 2am when I finally force myself to turn off all my lights. I lay there and gaze up at my ceiling. My four walls and I whisper our silent sorrows back and forth. Tears fall down my face. I can feel each individual tear and why they are fleeting my tear duct. She's sad again and forgets who she is behind the tears the shame the sorrow

i wrote you a lil sumthin i hope you dont mind me reading i thought of you today , this hurt me very deeply. there once was a time i thought you'd never leave me lemme know if im wrong but lately ive been thinkin
over on how i was so ignorant, **** you had me fooled yeah i was convinced n now this achin pain inside my chest has become an old friend n i dress myself w a smile i still play pretend
in the end that may be pathetic but ******* aint it the truth youve left my heart all black and blue i got many scars to match these wounds n is it possibly to be so beautifully bruised? n i mean this pains a reminder, you were once always there n w your symphonic soul i swear you ****** cared  but even at your lowest high i want you n your corrupted mind.

n here dear ive gathered a couple questions id really like to share you dont gotta answer no you dont even have to care but baby do you think of me now and then like i think of you? i mean ive had quite a few drinks n its aboutta quarter till 2 but you see my altered brain doesnt change my subconscious truth because at the end of each day my heart keeps beating for you. but youll ash me off , again and again , no worries though i know im nothing to sweat and im just waitin for the day ill wake without you inside my head. but you know truth be told thats not how this hear works ill look into those eyes again and revisit all my hurt. n im inconclusive of which evil is worse.

people tell me each n everyday not to let this world make me small but im only 5'1 yo i was never really tall n ya'll can keep on talkin **** on my style cause your words cant steal my smile. but im always questionin how much more can i even take daddys sick of seeing tears fall off this pretty face. iv been rollin on my own feelin so out of place i got so many fears im so unsure of my fait this future image isn clear n im sorry i cant be who i was past years. im changin yeah ***** a changin so are the dreams so are the demons i know ive grown cold but ive got my ****** reasons. this ***** gotten old my filthy conscious is a constant bleedin but i guess i must accept whats been placed upon my plate you were just another phony who couldnt relate n i guess thats your luck n my ****** mistake.

it was a foolish thing but quite beautiful too. those last words left a sting yeah im pretty bruised n now im hopin that this melody will relieve some pain inside the wounds because its a tragic thing a tragedy thats what i can conclude, thats why i smoke **** so i can be elude fill these lungs with smoke hopin highs will get me through hoping somehow i can cope rolla doobie maybe 2 laugh cause lifes a ****** joke i hung my neck inside a noose. maybe ill jus ****** choke ive been pullin on them ropes. n now im spittin fire so hot haydes jottin notes i got the devil askin for tips, baby ima make it n im gonna make it big. but they tellin me to start but idk where to begin.

so many bad moments followed by worse emotions when will it end? im hightenin the doses cause **** ive given it.  just walkin thro the motions less alive n mostly dead. doors just keep on closin im hungup with my regrets n these demons wont let me forget bad intentions, their why i havent slept. countless broken promises i can never mend thats why i do what i do so i can feel closer to death.
n now youve all been askin whats up inside my head, well your not gonna like the answer your about to get. evils on my ****** conscious. its clutterin my brain that must be the reason im so inmuthafuckinsane. always ****** w bad **** n even worse people stuck inside a trip soaked in all the evils but everything i spit is venomous that ****** lethal n even if i overdose ima cop a sequal cause im so invincible tearin up traditional principals
yaaa im so ******* illll hopefully ya'll catch this sickness
so busy making some bills
honey moneys on my wishlist
and homies know this
i always gotta sack of that purple potent
n now im on a mission lookin for that purple potion
put my mind ina wavy motion im a constant floatin.
n now my parents are makin a commotion

cierra baby just get off the ****** drugs
sorry mom im crazy yeah im really ******* nuts.
this mind is fully corrupt. the world ****** it like a ****.

i thought about you yesterday.
despite all the pain you caused me and all the chaos our whole entirity and togetherness was i saw our photo and two years ago today notice and my heart wept for us. you and i it wept. writing this now i feel it in the back of my throat that wreched aching of sorrow and sadness it began to overwhelm me, i swear right then and there in that moment i still loved you and my world could crumble and it wouldn’t matter. it matters. today i missed you walking through the halls of a place i last was and only had been with you before, and here i was walking through looking at the same jeans i had picked out and bought for you, as my new love was buying bullets at the other counter. i was so choked up i just wanted to run out of the building as fast as i could and never look back but i just stood there with this terrible feeling in the back of my throat and swallowed it, then walked out with my boyfriend to his car and we drove away. i couldn’t stop thinking about how guilty i felt and still feel for thinking about you. now i just watched a video and i see your ****** hand and all those times of you throwing yourself into walls and into the earth into objects all of those terrible flashbacks flood the back of my eyelids and i can’t help but cry. I’m full of worry if you still do those things still if you only did those things when we were together was it all just one terrible nightmare of a show or is that how you are and always will be. did you hurt yesterday too? was that as sad for you as it was for me? i don’t have a journal but ill be buying one soon. i just needed to get out these feelings my head was cluttered i was feeling overwhelmed with sadness for my old heart. i pray to god that you are okay and just fine without me and i pray i didn’t make a huge mistake because i think we may be much better off without each other. all we did together was struggle and hurt. but if i see you ever walking the streets and ill look at you with deep eyes because no one could ever understand the struggles we had to go through together i don’t know anyone of this day and age like us that ever felt the poverty and ache and all the hurt that the world is capable of, we experienced that together and stuck by each other no matter how terrible it was and i will always respect us both for that.

I'm what they call a triple thread,
a truant, a nuisance, a better off dead.
i must admit i have alot of ugly addictions
tied to altered visions stuck inside daydream yet these doses don't phase me
but yes, they are my preference,
light headed for my happiness
and thats a ****** shame.
all substances are a demonic game
dancinn with the devil
i let him spin me around
n id rather sit here  
distancing myself from the reality

so i just
take a dip inside a strip
make em pupils twice as big

im hearin many voices
but i havent made a sound
consumed by the noises
in my mind they got me bound
a different persons awakened now
n i aint acid rap but i just necked a couple tabs.

I've seen every color
I've Felt every shade
I Know my demons
I Know them by name
With such beauty
follows great pain

You are my favorite thing
Like fresh flowers in spring
I love the way you bloom

Shes a light eyed lady.
With a heavy heart.

I blame my family cause I don’t love me. I wouldn’t touch me, I’m ugly. 
I love you and I’m sorry that I’m distant. I don’t want you to know or listen. 
I don’t want to know, and I wish I was deaf. 
I hide behind my headphones.
Everytime I start to talk I choke. 
I clench onto my beautiful friends 
But it’s me in the end, and I’m afraid to be alone. 
I lay in my bed that holds no comfort
. My body hurts. 
A good night of sleep would amaze me.
I’m convinced I’m crazy. 
My own words scare me, I’m scary.

the street became a pool of black liquid beneath my feet..
       and at this time i was told to believe only half of what i see..
   and now i see why people talk to themselves, they really arent so crazy..
yet maybe i have became, insane?
i wouldnt doubt it, i find simply pleasure in melting my brain.