I wonder if you're in his arms right now
And it makes me
Sick.
It's been nearly a year
And it hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It always did wreck me, that I could wake up in the middle of the night
And wonder if you were in bed with him
Right then.
It always destroyed me
Because I never got that.
I never shared that with you.

You...
You were the only person
I ever wanted to sleep with.
And yet
You weren't the first.
You weren't the first.
You weren't the first.
Because you left.

The night it happened
I never told you I cried
Because you weren't the first.
(I wonder if I will cry
Every time.)
I wanted you to think
That I didn't care, that I could do what you did.
But inside
I never felt a thing but empty
And I will always be devastated that
You weren't the first.

And maybe
Maybe you won't be anything
At all,
Maybe I will never be that close to you
Ever.
And that's why nights like this
When I sit alone and wonder
If you are with him
Right
Now
Crush me just like always.
And inside I can feel my bones crack and splinter
Until I'm a pile of twigs and dust
And I change the channel on the television instead
Of splinting them back together.
Because I sort of want to stay crushed.
Because you are still
The only person
I want to be that close to,
The only person
I want to have
All of me.
My skin belongs to you
And to this day whenever anyone else touches me
Part of me secretly wants to push them away.
And I know I will have to live with that
Through your love affairs
Your marriages
Your children
Your divorces
Your choices
Your life.
I will have to live somehow
With that beating right next to my heart
Knocking it out of time, hitting it like a punching bag.

Tomorrow I will notch my chin higher.
Tomorrow I will smile.
Tomorrow I will be strong.
But tonight?
Tonight I don't want to pretend
I'm okay with it.
And no matter how high I turn the volume on the tv,
No matter what I read or listen to or draw or write,
I know that I will not be able to drive from my mind
The skewering thought
That maybe tonight
You are in bed
With him.

my lips they burn
they burn for your tender kiss
that could land me up
in eternal bliss

my ears they crave
they crave to hear your song
the melodious comfort
i haven't heard in so long

my eyes they miss
they miss your face
the vision of you
i can never ever erase

my nose it itches
it itches for the scent on your skin
the sweet perfume
that remains lingering

my heart it yearns
it yearns for your softest touch
that's all that I ask for
it's really nothing much

my mind tells me to stop being such a fool
to erase you off completely
because all i am to you is a tool

I'm looking at you through the glass.
The spectrum is changing; fading.
You're skin, as beautiful as porcelain. The very features that make up your being; chiseled as if by a sculptor. The beauty that once was, and still is, is fading. Not as if to disappear, but enough to morph the simple idea of the person you once were. The glass is the mirror into which  I am staring. I am you. You are me. I am noticing the beginning signs of losing myself. Once more. I can't stop it this time.