I was working the suicide hotline
that Friday night her call came in.
She sounded hyped up, frantic,
toying with the ultimate sin.

Her boyfriend had just left her
and she had no cash for the rent.
In the background a baby was crying,
The last of her patience long spent.

She rambled about her existence
as I passed a note to an aide.
When she told me how much she had taken
It was the first time in years that I prayed.

Blue angels with sirens were coming
for the girl with the tracks on her arms.
She increasingly grew incoherent,
Then, silence, I knew she was gone.

That weekend, I read in the paper
How an “Accident” claimed her young life.
A pretty brunette, about twenty,
all done with life’s struggle and strife.


That Tuesday, I stood in the distance
as the hearse brought that girl to her grave.
I wept then, overcome with sorrow,
for the young life that I failed to save.
.

For the first time I talk to you
I hated you, I despised you, I disliked you
I forgot about you, father.

The two of you became distanced
The kid you once hit has now grown
I wonder, is he now an adult?

The first time, I slept at grandma's house
I was consoled by her
Being poor, she only gave a plastic straw and a tight hug.

The last time, mom only told me, "You have to write more legibly,"
and I cried
But then I tried, I tried, tried, tried, tried, I tried, I tried
But then you disappointed again
Impossible to refrain, you'd come back late
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Too many to remember
Perfumed in alcohol,
You'd hit the wall,
You'd hit my door,
You'd hit my sister's door.
You mistreated my siblings.
I couldn't take it anymore
I deprived myself of my feelings.

The kid told me to forget you,
and you became a stranger.

Seven years have passed,
and two weeks have gone by
since a faint memory came back.

Is it time or is it wind,
that erodes the rock?

I called you, and timidly said four words to you.
Not many, only a few
Were you surprised,
that I had even tried?
We may never be a happy family of flying doves,
That I know.
What can happen in the future, that I have no clue
But shall we digress?
Happy birthday to you.
May we live at least another 50 years.

Thank you mother, I have a father.

Broken,
I am consumed by the words in my head. With no canvas, no clean sheet to paint these expressions of emotions, that I carry so heavily in my heart.
The things I carry are worse than any man can handle, an average man would bend and break in half under this weight. Not me because I have lived these burdens and this weight is mine.
Like Atlas with the world on his back I have felt the burdens of my own heart, and these expectations of my family to be perfect. Although my friends look at me and know my failures but they can't lift this weight from my back.
Now I flex my muscles and I show my strength, in front of all these people who can never measure it or understand it. For my strength lies in a strong heart and soul. Where no one can measure the strength of my heart. My strength looks infinite but it is just the opposite.  it's the most fragile part of my life. Because with one goodbye, my world comes crashing down and the weight of these burdens are too much to bear. my heart and soul are crushed and I lay there under all my regrets. Until I can get back to my feet. And when that day comes, again, I will begin preparing myself to be broken."

Searching my heart for its true sorrow,
  This is the thing I find to be:
That I am weary of words and people,
  Sick of the city, wanting the sea;

Wanting the sticky, salty sweetness
  Of the strong wind and shattered spray;
Wanting the loud sound and the soft sound
  Of the big surf that breaks all day.

Always before about my dooryard,
  Marking the reach of the winter sea,
Rooted in sand and dragging drift-wood,
  Straggled the purple wild sweet-pea;

Always I climbed the wave at morning,
  Shook the sand from my shoes at night,
That now am caught beneath great buildings,
  Stricken with noise, confused with light.

If I could hear the green piles groaning
  Under the windy wooden piers,
See once again the bobbing barrels,
  And the black sticks that fence the weirs,

If I could see the weedy mussels
  Crusting the wrecked and rotting hulls,
Hear once again the hungry crying
  Overhead, of the wheeling gulls,

Feel once again the shanty straining
  Under the turning of the tide,
Fear once again the rising freshet,
  Dread the bell in the fog outside,—

I should be happy,—that was happy
  All day long on the coast of Maine!
I have a need to hold and handle
  Shells and anchors and ships again!

I should be happy, that am happy
  Never at all since I came here.
I am too long away from water.
  I have a need of water near.

This is heaven?
It rains here everyday.
Some believe it’s to wash away sin,
But I know better.
It’s because you’re not here.
It’s because I have to spend forever watching you,
Loving you,
Wanting you,
Needing you,
But never touching you.
I want to hold you.
I want to run my fingers through your hair,
I want to memorize your face and know your thoughts.
I miss the feel of your head on my shoulder and you lips in my hair.
I miss your arms around my waist and your hand in mine.
My God it hurts.
I cry here. Daily.
I sob from my love for you and how unfair it is.
It’s not fair!
I can see you are hurting and I can’t stop the pain.
Oh my God I hate it here.
I would rather burn in flames to spend a single day with you than quietly sit in the cleansing rain.
No, not cleansing, I know better.
I’m causing the rain.
So know when you’re caught in the rain it’s me holding you at night.
It’s my hand through your hair and my lips on your cheek.
It’s me showing you what I can no longer say to you.
These are the words he found on a folded sheet
As he was walking the street where he was last with her.
Anger still flares in him when he thinks of the crash.
How dare she leave him like that!
They were both hit by the living ***** driving that car,
But she was the one that had to go.
Why not he?
On the side of the road, a cross marks her last breath.
Her name is forever carved in the aging wood.
In front of the cross like a welcome mat was her folded goodbye.
He screamed at the note and cursed the author.
Despite what he wanted, he could not bring himself to tear the sheet.
Weeks went by without a sign from her again.
Everyday he would check his cross for another word.
On the day of her 20th year, he went the place where she lay.
Kneeling before the flowers that lay in the wake of mourners past, he beat the ground.
Screaming in rage, his ****** fists dented the grassy bed.
Soon, rage turned to pain,
Screams turned to tears,
Fists of grass turned to fists pulling hair by the roots.
Hours passed before he noticed the liquid ice pounding on his back.
Jumping to his feet he screamed at the clouds.
The rain mixed with his tears.
Quietly, the words “it rains here” entered his mind,
Gaining volume, he remembered the letter he found.
He pulled it from his pocket with a shaky breath.
In the wind he could almost hear her saying “it’s my hand in your hair and it’s my lips on your cheek”
Tears filled his eyes as the wind began to pick up, sounding like breathing lungs.
He could feel it with every cell in his body as it chilled him to his bones.
Softly and cold as ice, he could feel her lips on his cheek.
Looking everywhere for the face of his love, he saw a note on her grave.
Slowly sinking to his knees, he read:
Let go of me now,
It no longer rains here.
It will never be fair, but our anger will not bring me back.
I still miss my head on your lap when we read in the sun
And the sound of your voice as you sang to me.
I will never forget the way your hair looked in the sun or how your eyes would shine with love.
I will love you till the end of times, and then I will love you after that.
From this moment on, my hands are no longer the rain, nor are my lips cold.
From this moment on, I will be in every smile you smile or see.
I will be in every happy thought and I will comfort you when they are sad.
My hands are the wind through your hair and my lips are the sun on your skin.
Let my love for you outweigh your fears
And know that one day,
I will see you again.

I doubt I will ever forget
The note you left me
On the day you walked out that door
I'm going to find a new world under the ocean
Somebody once told me there are ghost towns there
Do not mourn my departure, for I am happy now
With that, you married yourself to the Thames
Leaving me with a hole in my heart
For all of eternity

Darling, the end has come
I must depart into the sunset
Leaving you forever
In search of heaven or hell
Where ever God deems a soul like me worthy of living

Understand that I did the best I could
I fought this war for years
There is nothing left for me to give
So when you stumble upon a hanging boy
Try to understand, it is a blessing to me
An escape from the torments of the world

Eternal flame burning so bright
Spark grown huge in the depths of my heart
Consuming any other emotion
Destroying any chance I had at resisting
The Temptation I found
When I gazed into your eyes for the first time
Feeling my body flooded with warmth
Caused only by true love
I must make you mine