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Nov 2012 · 1.2k
Milky Way
chrissy who Nov 2012
I don’t think I’ve ever been so completely hated
By someone I so completely loved.
Maybe if I stare long enough
Into the curve of this spoon
It will take me into the past
So I can change the things that now lie behind me.
Maybe if I stare long enough at my reflection
In the windows of this old dilapidated house,
The weights I feel on my shoulders
Will become real
And I’ll actually be able to shrug them off.
Maybe if I keep pretending I’m fine with the goodbye I left you with,
I’ll actually gain the confidence I said it with.
Maybe the things I said will be true.
And I will at least
Have
You.
But the spoon is in the dish-pit,
And the windows are being washed.
The surroundings are new,
There is no you
Here.
Why can’t I clean you out of my head
Like I cleaned you out of my life.
Why can’t I forget all the times you told me the opposite
Of that one sentence you left me with.
Why does that one sentence,
Get to be the ruling power
Why does that one sentence
Get to fill my head.
Why does the one sentence
Erase an entire summer.
Erase upwards of 20,000 texts.
Erase my smile.
Why do you believe her
When all she’s done
Is tear us apart.
You didn’t even hear my side
Before you cut the final thread.

I hope you feel better.
I hope hating me is doing things for you.
I hope you’re channeling all those thoughts that made you feel like a dying flower
Into an anger at me
And I hope you can write again.
Because your best friend is gone,
And now I’m gone too.
There was only ever so much I could do
And now my time is through.

For a little while there,
You were the stars in my sky.
The sun shone out of your ***,
And my shoulder was your eternal tissue.
You made me a better person.
I wanted to be a better person for you.

Emotions are a funny thing.
I’m trying to shut mine off.
I think you’ve lost yours.
This is sort of old...but oh well
Nov 2012 · 1000
Spinning
chrissy who Nov 2012
**** dark and stormy nights.
It was really **** sunny,
But that didn’t change anything.
That didn’t stop you
From turning it all around.
Didn’t stop you
From taking it all back.
I don’t know what to believe
But I know I don’t believe you.
I choose to believe the past.
The things that I knew radiated truth
Because of how your voice shook saying them.
I’ll take the stammered hopes,
The sweaty palms,
And the never ending reel of things gone wrong,
Over the screen bleeding black and white
Any day.


I would continue to spin for you a web of your perfections,
If only you would let me back.
Nov 2012 · 8.0k
Useless
chrissy who Nov 2012
I’m sorry I wrote you.
I’m sorry I’m as weak as I told you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t lying.
I’m sorry I never lied.
I’m sorry for all the broken nights
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix them.
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix myself
I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.
I’m sorry I messed everything up
I’m sorry I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry I got tired of being alone
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry you can’t write anymore.
I’m sorry I never could.
I’m sorry you couldn’t see yourself how I always saw you
I’m sorry you can’t see what I still see.
I’m sorry I loved you.
I’m sorry I loved you harder than I’ve loved anyone else
I’m sorry you made me question myself.
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry I kept writing because I didn’t know how not to
I’m sorry you told me I could.
I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you said I should stop
I’m sorry I didn’t listen when everyone said I should stop.
I’m sorry I took all those nights seriously.
I’m sorry I believed every word you said.
Well…not every word.
I’m sorry I became such a problem
I’m sorry nobody listened to me.
I’m sorry for being right.
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry I failed you.
I’m sorry I took the hit
I’m sorry I asked you to do that
I’m sorry I let you
I’m sorry you didn’t listen.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stand seeing the bracelet anymore
Or the pictures
Or the letters
Or the poem.
I’m sorry I can’t touch them without getting nauseous.
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry I don’t even hurt that much anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t think of you as often as I should
I’m sorry you’re not sorry that I don’t think of you as often as I used to think I should
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry you don’t care.
I’m sorry I don’t believe your goodbye
I’m sorry I don’t believe any of it.
I’m sorry I don’t care.
I’m sorry I sort of wish it was different
I’m sorry I think this is probably for the best.
I’m sorry I can’t be there to fix it
I’m sorry you let me go.
I’m sorry the other side of this coin is gone,
Your half dozen of these tacos are still here,
We never watched Finding Nemo.
You never finished renaming the constellations.
I’m sorry I never finished teaching them to you.
I’m sorry bandanas are now out of your life
I’m sorry you never wear sports bras.
I’m sorry my hands feel empty and naked
Now that yours are gone.
I’m sorry your hand was the best thing that ever happened to mine.
I’m sorry that was such a cheesy line.
I’m sorry I want a hair-cut
I’m sorry I want to chop it all off.
I’m sorry you’ve ruined that side of town for me
I’m sorry I’m no longer allowed.
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry I would want to forget me too.
I’m sorry I kept writing letters
I’m sorry you never read them
I’m sorry I never will again.
Nov 2012 · 3.6k
Where did you go
chrissy who Nov 2012
There are certain times
Like when I’m sitting up
In the wee hours of the morning
With tears running silently down my face;
Or when I’m sitting at dinner,
But I’m not really at dinner
That I just…
Need you.
I need to know you’re there.
I need the warmth of your arm,
You sitting next to me.
I need to know I’m not alone.
It’s times like these
That I want to call you.
Hear your voice
Hear you pick up the phone.
Hear that it really is that easy.
But I know that I can’t.
You wouldn’t pick up.
The line would go dead.
For me anyway.
The lightning bugs outside my window
Would cease flickering their tails,
The sky would slowly turn
It’s breathtakingly beautiful rose,
The world would awaken
The symphony would begin
And still
The phone
Would ring.
Nov 2012 · 6.8k
Skinned Knees
chrissy who Nov 2012
She struts through her town
Chin up
Hair down.
Trying to hide
Her skinned knees.
She doesn’t want the world to see
The only evidence she bears
Of when she finally fell.
Tripped, stumbled, whatever you want to call it.
She could hold herself up no more.
Gravity overcame her
Truth overcame her
Life overcame her.
Her back bent
Her knees buckled
She tried to scream
But no sound came out.
Her one moment of weakness
Left her with scars
Unseen
And ****** knees.
How do you come back from a fall like that?
She built herself up for years
Like a mountain ever growing,
A trophy never rusting.
She shined her shoes,
She brushed her hair
She straightened her blouse
Every day
Trying with all her might
To maintain her image
Of perfection.
She should’ve realized sooner
No one is perfect.
Not a one of us
Not Ghandi
Not Martin Luther King
Not Eleanor Roosevelt
Not even Dr. Suess.
They weren’t perfect
So why was she?
Who is she, that gets to achieve the dream
That the majority of people are treading water just to get a glance of?
A better question would be
Why did she get to do such a good job
Of hiding her imperfection.
She walked everywhere with a bottle inside
Holding everything in
Nice and tucked away
Like a child at bedtime
Hidden
Safe and snug
Where no one could see it.
She pulled it out only in the wee hours of the morning
While sitting by herself
At the top of her mountain
Where she sat
And wept
Silently.
When the rays of dawn would peep over the distant horizon,
She would wrap the vial up
And swallow it again
Down into the depths of her soul
To remain hidden
To keep her secrets safe
To keep herself upright and a-okay in everyone else’s sight.
This went on
And on
And on.
Until one night
When the moon shone bright
And the stars and constellations shone around her head.
She went to examine the newly expanded contents of her secret container
When she realized the stars weren’t shining solely on her soft
Perfectly parted hair.
Someone else was there with her
But it was too late to put the ampoule away
It was already out, see
And in plain sight.
She fumbled,
Caught off guard, she dropped her flask.
She jumped to catch it but it was already rolling
She chased it.
Down the mountain they went
A bottle
And a girl
Moving in tandem
One no faster then the other.
She tried to slow herself down as they approached the base
But it was too late
The momentum was too great
She tumbled headfirst
Her knees hit the ground
At this speed
Grass feels like concrete.
Green stains on her elbows,
Blood on her knees.
Water marks down her cheeks.
The higher you build yourself up
The longer you have to fall
As she discovered the night the constellations revealed her façade to another.
No one’s perfect
No matter what they seem
You never know
Who, at nightfall, screams.
This young girl learned her lesson
It’s better not to hide
And now she struts around
Showing skinned knees
With pride.
Nov 2012 · 2.0k
Stronghold
chrissy who Nov 2012
I’m clumsy.
I poured my heart into a cup with no bottom.
Let my soul
Fly into a bar-less cage.
Or maybe..
Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe there were bars on that cage.
So many bars
I couldn’t tell the difference.
Not immediately.
At the beginning,
It all looked normal.
As normal as normal can look
From this perspective
This twisted
Backwards
Sideways
View.
So I went ahead.
And shared my story
Thinking it would be safe.
Then it was as if
I hadn’t said anything at all.
Like the spoon had holes,
The backpack didn’t zip,
There was a hole
In the atmosphere.
The information didn’t make a dent.
You didn’t care.
Or so I thought.
But now I see
It’s more like the opposite.
The box is sealed,
The book is closed,
The cage is a stronghold.
You took my words
My thoughts
My emotions.
Everything I told you.
And locked it away.
Hid it in the back of your mind.
Because
You’re just like me.
You’re afraid to confront it.
To think about it
To deal with it.
You’re afraid
Of caring too much.
Oct 2012 · 2.6k
Shawl
chrissy who Oct 2012
You wonder why I cover my heart
With a shawl so heavy and thick.
You don’t even understand how impenetrable
It is.

You wish I’d take off this mask
So you could see my soul.
See the pain
The hurt
The anger
The shame.

If I removed my veil
What would you do with what you saw?
Would you laugh?
Would you sigh?
Would you try to help?
I didn’t want to find out
What reaction you would have.
I held everything in.
You thought you knew how to bottle things up.
Honey I invented the cork.
You thought you knew how to hide.
Sorry to break it to you dearest,
But blackout shades?
That idea was mine.
You weren’t about to get in.
I had it all on lock.
Held tight like Fort Knox.

Until

I didn’t.

The windshield cracked
There was a slit in my shades.
A leak in the cork.
The mask
It fell.

I broke down.
You broke in.

And now I no longer wonder
What you would say if I spilled.

And I know for sure,
Thanks to you,
That I’ll never slip up again.
Oct 2012 · 1.9k
Abyss
chrissy who Oct 2012
Peering into the great abyss
I see,
Past the glare of the blinding sun,
A loneliness so deep
No one can fathom it.
A sadness so complete
No one wants near it.
A vulnerability
Susceptible
To the worst of pollutions.
There’s a fire down there
That could set the world ablaze
And keep it burning
For eons.
And way down deep
Towards the bottom
Of the bottomless pool
Is a light of hope
That something good
Might be found
In this dark, dark world.
The fire brought me in,
****** me down
Into the blue-gray water.
But it’s the hope that kept me swimming,
Kept me searching,
Kept me digging.
The light is why I’m still around.

— The End —