i lay here and soak
in the water
the water you never gave
me
the water that was given to
many
received by few
who deserved it
i gave you water though.
your skin was wrinkly
lines showing
how long you lay
basked
in the water
i gave to few who
deserved it
and to many
who didn't
my pores take in the water
it leaves lines
showing it was there
leaving it's mark
gentle
making its existence known
though, i wanted the marks
i wanted the sign of visitation
leaving no vacancy
your scars are wanted, close to needed
they remind me you happened
and you weren't
a phantom of my imagination
i sit here daydreaming
soaking the water
and hoping one day
you'll rush in
and give me
what i've been waiting for
for an uncountable amount of time
seconds as hours
hours as months
months as years
waiting
for a sign
you'd come back
water is necessary to survival
i don't depend amongst anyone
but the water
i deserve it.

i want to hold your hand
not because everybody does it.
but because i want to feel your skin
you are the only thing
i need
right now
in this time,
the late hour as i lie awake
the reoccurring thought
frightening me every time it appears in my mind
not having you,
there to be my person.
i need to know you still care
but how will i ever know if you’re being honest?
just tell me the truth
do you want to be
on my mind?

support
what does it mean?
unconditional love
it’s supposed to come
from the person who gives you life
brings you into this world
you derived from something beautiful
a combination of two souls
what happens
when those souls divide
when the screams become far too much
for one person
to bear any longer.
what happens
when the one you loves
finds the touch of another soul
far more intriguing
than what once was shared
with you
what happens
when the person your very self
was planted
grew
flourished
loved
nurtured
and then birthed into this world
no longer
believes in love?
heartbreak
it kills compassion
what happens
when they no longer
have the strength to keep themselves
together
for the one they love the most in this world
the one who they gave life to and promised
to watch grow and teach the ways of the world to,
what happens?

they say
eyes are the windows to the soul
if that’s true
why are yours so dark?
i see beauty
in the marks on your skin,
only because i know
the trauma
i know
the cries
the endless feeling of hopelessness
that came from the trauma
the anxiety
the feeling of being alone
scared to die
but wanting to be asleep forever?
just escaping
the reality that is your view
but from my view
you’re perfect.
you’re the exact composition
of a wilting rose
beautiful on the outside
yet rotting on the inside
but the question remains
can i fix you?
you need watered.
you need nurture,
sun,
growth,
love.
i want to replant you,
teach you how it’s supposed to feel
to encompass the
anxiety
the hopelessness,
the everything that surrounds you,
but not let it in.
let me help you cope.
allow me to be the one to nurture you,
and when your last day comes,
the day that you slowly fall
and your petals are no longer
beautiful ,
flowing ,
bright,
i’ll be right beside you.

i remember the first time you said you loved me
the day is as vivid in my head as if it occurred only yesterday
we were under a pine tree
          not my favorite tree
          but one that was hidden so my parents couldn’t see
we were 14
we were talking about guys
          your hand in mine
          we were sitting so close that our shoulders were touching
          i could feel the heat radiating off of you like i had my own
          personal sun
you were in a white t-shirt
          my favorite because it made your skin glisten
          and your eyes sparkle
          but i never told you that
i was using a stick to dig a hole
          i joked that i was going to dig to the other side of the world
          to find a new guy
you told me not to go
and that i shouldn’t look for someone new
i asked why
and you replied
          “because i think i love you”

as a young girl
i dreamed of this
          i wanted to be loved
          to feel the power i was told it carried
i just never expected love to look like you

you knew i wasn’t expecting this
my cheeks flushed to the surface with red
and i sat frozen
as if time itself stopped so i could live in that moment forever
i didn’t know what to do
you could see the worry growing on my face
and instead of getting upset about not reacting the “correct” way
you gently grabbed my cheek and pulled me into a kiss
          you said it’s okay
          tell me when you are ready
          tell me when you are sure
i was cautious and scared
i didn’t say it back that day
you were understanding
you knew i wasn’t going to say it until i was absolutely sure

two weeks later
we were lying in my bed
you could tell i had something to say
i looked at you face
          studied every inch
and then i blurted out
          “i love you”
you gently laughed and said
          “i know”
in that moment
i thought we would last forever

you were so gentle with your words
and your fingers felt like silk on my skin
you were everything a girl wanted
          right up until you weren’t
i don’t remember a single
“i love you” after that day
          not because we didn’t say it
          but because we said it so often that it became a habit
those small moments that disappear seconds after they happen
i don’t remember the last “i love you” either
          because you never know when the last is the last
          until it isn’t heard again

i am forgetting what it felt like to be in love with you
          regardless of how you really weren’t in love with me
          or maybe you were to begin with
          but i don’t remember the shift
          from genuine to fraudulent
and now?
now i am even more terrified to love again
to allow someone to so easily sweep me off my feet
to allow someone to see so many parts of me
          and treat it as if none of it mattered
my biggest fear?
is to say “i love you” to another human
with the passion and sincerity i had for you

you were such a good actor in the play i didn’t know was happening
until the curtains were dropped
and you called scene
          claiming you want me to find someone
          who loves me in the same way i love them
i love with honesty
compassion
fearlessness
stubbornness
and passion
and up until that moment
          i thought you had too
it turns out you should just be awarded actor of the year
because how am i supposed to know when
my force of love is being reciprocated
or if it is just another performance to make me vulnerable?