maybe you were right
maybe some day I will forget to care
and maybe some day I will break beyond repair
some day I will forget what wanting to be alive feels like
I'll forget to remind you that I'm not going anywhere
but I'll remind you not to worry about me
I will thank you for being one of the only lovely things in life
and I'll tell you to carry on despite my absence
some day I won't come back
and I wil no longer be able to tell you what you mean to me
I won't be able to hug you
I won't be able to kiss you
I won't be able to talk
and I will be far away somewhere just short of death
and I won't care about a thing at all
because you all broke me
you took all the good left in me
an now I'm empty
as long as you can smile, I can let you go for good
but please know that it was you that put the gun to my head
but it was me that pulled the trigger.

I placed you on the pedestal of my heart and I crumbled;
This was my first mistake.

i asked you if you would be bothered if i ceased to exist,
and in your silence i found your answer.

Stop. Stop walking on egg shells around me as if i will crumble if you say or do the wrong thing. Forgiveness is second nature and i love you. Stop holding back when you kiss me as if you will scare the **** out of me if you kiss me to hard. Trust is earned not given, and you have all of mine. Stop retreating at the first sign of fear you see in my eyes when you grab me. Vulnerability is a process of which i want to learn with you and no one else. Stop treating me as if i am so **** fragile that you can't show me what you feel around me. I have been to hell and back. I love you more than most things in the world, but you don't have the power to destroy me. No one does. So let yourself go a bit. Next time don't be so gentle when you kiss me. Kiss me hard and kiss me deep. when you see me, grab my waist and pull me in as if our bodies colliding isn't close enough for you. when you're holding me, remind me that you want this just as much as i do and i assure you that you will see all the love in my eyes.

find the ones that strive to know you and understand you. not the way your body looks or the way your body feels when their hands get to curious and they forget that no does in fact still mean no.... the ones that love you, not the way you look (that's a bonus!) you gotta find someone that digs under your skin and brings all that good out of you. all those smiles and laughs and tears you've held back to long. find someone who feeds your insecurities and reassures you that you're more than worth it. the ones that reassure you with a smile or kind words followed by caring actions not by feeling up your body and asking for nudes. find the ones that cherish you not for what's on the outside but for everything (happy or not) that you burry way to far inside of you.

and i guess that's all it took. one pull of the trigger and everything went dark. stop thinking. stop thinking. stop. thinking. You
come flooding the gates of my thoughts and i instantly push you down as if you don't fill any space at all.
i search for the melancholy only to realize it's been buried inside of me all along. stop thinking. i see your eyes. stop thinking. i feel your arm on my waist but you're miles away with another girl that looks to much like me. why the **** am i still thinking. turn it off. turn it off. turn off. and with the blink of an eye i am back to nothing. feeling nothing. saying nothing. thinking everything.
finally you're shoved so far inside of me that i don't think i will ever find you again. stop thinking. i hear your voice in my head. stop feeling. "i love you chloe." "stop hurting me like i don't mean a thing to you!" i scream. but you won't ever hear me and with that, trigger pulled. darkness. oh the beautiful tragedy of teaching yourself to just simply exist.