my heart is a roller coaster
an elevator and some bratty kid just pushed all the buttons at once
i dont even know which floor to get off
where was i going?

I will be your martyr.
I don't want to see you hurt.
I am a sponge. A black hole. A pin cushion.
Give me your worry and all of your pain.
I am John Coffey. I know how it feels and I am used to it. Add another straw, this camel's back is so worn out. I will lay in the sand and feel it for you. Just do not ask me why I cry when the sun is shining and I am beautiful.

*******. **** every fake thing anyone has ever spat at anyone in a sad attempt at acceptance. The truth is, we will never be on the same page. We're in different chapters. I admit, we're in the same book, but you're introducing the characters as I'm leading up to the ******. And as you're finally approaching that check point, I'm gaining closure in the form of two words: The end.

You've hit rock bottom and you aren't sure why but you're finding comfort in knowing you have nothing. Nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Nothing to prove and no one to blame but yourself. You need help. But when no one really sees past your desperate eyes made of glass, they will not break, won't show pain to a single soul..to the outside eyes you seem so whole..why should I share my tears with the ones not suffering? I want to be like them. They are my models of inspiration. Why would I risk watering down the smiles when this will only last a while.."Fake it til you make it" has never made so much sense to me. So I will follow their lead until I no longer bleed. Then I can be the leader of my own path. For now my path is blocked off by doubt and by fear. I just need someone to hear. I just need someone here.

I've spent the better half of today naked, twisting and turning in front of the mirror, trying to decide why to love myself. Because when I scrunch my rib cage toward my hip on one side it stretches on the other? revealing a line of one-two-three-four protruding ribs I wish to make music on with a drumstick, and follow the curved line south to reveal a sturdy hip bone? eager to be knocked on, choosy on who to open for.

Neutral. No ups and downs. Careless. Distracted. It's nice. It feels healthy. Ironically, my health is **** right now. But it's mind over matter and the matters don't seem to bother my mind. I think I'm grasping the concept of contentment and holding onto it easily. Effortlessly. It comes easy. I'm thinking clearly more often than previously. Not often enough for full satisfaction but improvement gives light to my dark days. Dark hours. Dark times are sort of seldom in light of a new mindset. Crossing my fingers in hopes for more than temporary. I need a real change, not a flip flop of thoughts due to a flip flop of events. I control the inside. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with me.

I am a passenger, riding shotgun unbuckled, daydreaming about destinations and awaiting their arrival.
But the road never ends and the numbers on the exit signs just grow and grow
and I'm fighting to widen my heavy eyelids
and before I know it I'm out of gas,
but when I raise my head and turn to the left, I face the harsh truth of an empty drivers seat
and can't recall the moment I was forced to do it myself.