there is a pill
that
brings sleep to my eyes
when i awake
the anxiety is gone
but
the thing that made me anxious
is still there
it just cant get below my skin
anymore

if our love was a radio
there would be static
we are out of range
your station is playing songs of joy
my station is playing songs of countless emotions

anxiety is a scream that only you can hear
repeatedly
in the light
in the dark
regardless of who is around you
the scream continues
and rips apart
all you have left

i did not know i was capable of hate
especially
hating someone who
helped create me

the first playlist you made me
gave me a glimpse into your soul
it told me you have been hurt before
despite this
you continue to believe in love
despite this
you believe in loving me

i'm content with my life
in this moment
but also
in this moment
i think
it would be better with you

i feel small
but
still i wonder
will i
fit through
these walls

you are the mosquito
that bites
you are the mosquito
that remains unseen
you are the mosquito
and leaves me with
itches & irritation
you are the mosquito
that flies away
when you have finished
taking my blood
taking what you want

i have always fantasized about love
about being loved,
loving someone,
and bringing love into the world.
i have always worried that
i was unlovable
because
who would want to love
someone with so many
scars
&
bites
&
burns
&
open wounds?
someone who still fantasizes about love
when they have never seen it
outside of a fantasy

i am worried.
i am confused.
i don't want it to be different.
i don't want it to be changed.
i want you.
i want us
to share the same
love
as before.

both of us
must grow
and change
at our own
pace
i just hope
that we
will always
come back
to the same
place
together

i wish i could read your mind
but that would be an abuse of trust
so i must believe
that you trust me too
and will share when you are ready

i want to take all of the heartache away from you
i want to take the weight off of your shoulders
i want to be what makes you smile
i want to be the person you come home to

i regret how i felt
previously
to our recent encounter
i regret
that i ever acted out of foolishness
or
scared you in any way.
but i will never regret
being with you

since i’ve been back
i have been writing less
i have been enjoying my experiences-
enjoying every day,
enjoying the company
this place brings me peace
and love
since i’ve been back
i have been loving myself more
and
i have been writing less

your arms
were wrapped around me
like the sun envelopes the day
with warmth and light
when i told you how happy i was
you replied,
"you deserve all of the happiness"
do you know
that i am the happiest
when i am enveloped in the warmth and light
that is your love

one of the best gifts i have ever received
is the cd you made for me
simple and full of love
complete with your emotions
decorated with the gentle touch
that shines from your soul
i say "one of the best" because
truly, the best gift
is loving you

you always thank me

for being nice to you

but the earth does not thank the sun

for illuminating the sky

i wonder what it’s like to be tall
to stand tall
to see the world from above
if i was tall
i wouldn’t want anyone to feel small

last night
you tried to get under my skin again
pushing,
pulling,
poking,
prodding at me
but
last night
i did not let you through
instead
i acknowledged your existence
and did my best to carry on

one year has gone by
and he isn't sick of me yet

the way you look at me
sparks a fire inside of me
just from your eyes
i feel wanted
there aren’t words
to describe
how much i love you
the love i feel for you
is exceptional and
big and
warm and
inviting and
i understand why people write about
love
now
i get it
because if you

therapy is weird.
you can’t just go once and feel better.
you go,
and then you go again,
and again.
when you leave
you feel out of touch with reality
trying so hard
not to overthink
the things that brought you
to therapy
in the first place
feeling needy and displaced
wondering
when will it all feel
“normal”
again?

i wish you did not have so much power over me
i don’t want to feel unsure
i want to be confident in my actions
but you take
every shred of dignity
i once had
and
continuously beat me
until i am on the ground
unconscious
unable to beg for mercy
unable to pick myself up again
i wish you did not have so much power over me
instead
i wish i had the power
to make it all go away

today i cried over a salad
as i tried to do something nice
a simple gesture of holding the door open
for a complete stranger
i lost grip
as my overpriced lunch launched out of my hand
my anxiety came and took it's place
the stranger walked through the door i held open
and left me to clean up
the mess i made

being around you
is easily
one of the best
feelings
in the world
but when we are apart
it physically hurts me
how
do i live my life
without you
constantly
by my side?
how do i
fulfill
my hopes and dreams
without molding
you
into them?
how do i make it
hurt
less?

your eyes
are a pool of honey
that i could float in
forever

the terrarium that encloses me
has many foreign obstacles
some with sharp exteriors
others with bright, welcoming colors
the glass walls allow me to see outside
there is an illusion that i am safe inside
able to grow over time
when really
i am stuck
watching the world spin around me

i’m going insane
thinking that
one day
this will all change
and the world will
work in my favor
bring me happy news
perhaps a bouquet of flowers
a card that reads “congratulations”
and everyone and everything
that tried to hold me back
was vanished from my life
but no
the reality is
that the only thing that is constant
is the cycle of my anxiety
and the insanity
that i think
it will all
change

i cry because i miss him
thankfully
they are tears of joy
because
being in love is such a beautiful thing

leaving home is scary
especially
when you just found it

sometimes
even the social butterfly
gets social anxiety

the strings of my heart are not elastic
each time we say goodbye
the strings of my heart tear a bit more
time after time
bit by bit
the resistance weakens
until we are together again
and I feel complete

i have learned how to tell how much time has passed
by the
temperature of the bath water
the number of pages i've read
the melted wax in the candle

i know you think i moved away because of you
this is true
i moved away
because you taught me to be independant
it hurts me that you think
i moved away for a negative reason
you are not a negative reason
you have taught me
everything
i know

my new thing is not wearing a bra
it feels freeing
now every time i put on a bra
it feels restricting
the same feeling of coming home to this small town
this town that fits inside a snow globe
but i refuse to be held captive in my own environment
so i will continue to not wear a bra
and deviate from what is expected
in the restricting snow globe

there is so much time
and so many miles
that separate us
there are also
so many memories
yet to be made
and kisses that
have yet to be shared

the hair that grows on my body
has taught me how to love myself
in my truest form.
my natural beauty
has influenced my natural lifestyle
which i could not be
more thankful for.

i listened to your voicemail
i replayed it when you said
"i love you"
i felt you with me in that moment
even though
we are hundreds of miles apart

above the clouds
looking down
have you ever seen such a beautiful sight?

kissing you is lemonade
because
lemonade is your favorite
and
kissing you is mine

is it selfish to leave
in a time of crisis
to save myself from the anxiety
to prevent the depression
if that means leaving you behind
and going somewhere else
is that selfish

times are changing
the sun will be replaced
by the moon
and the yellow light will
fade to darkness
but the cycles will continue
as will the changes
we will always be able
to count on the setting and rising sun
and the comfort of the moon
no matter where we are

i know you are trying as hard as you can
but stop to take a
breath
every once in a
while
promise me
you will take care of yourself
or at least try
to give as much
to yourself
as you do
to others

who will help me
while i am busy
helping everyone around me
and leaving
myself
to drown
in my own fears