one year has gone by
and he isn't sick of me yet

i'm glad that isn't me
same town forever
beginning a family so young
starting a life that changes everything
before that
we had hopes & dreams & goals
we had similar taste in music and shared a sense of humorit’s only funny now because
you were always my best friend
now you will start this new life
share your hopes & dreams & goals with someone else
make sarcastic jokes when you are stressed
and reminisce about high school
when those songs come on the radio
but yes
i'm glad that isn't me

both of us
must grow
and change
at our own
pace
i just hope
that we
will always
come back
to the same
place
together

i know you are trying as hard as you can
but stop to take a
breath
every once in a
while
promise me
you will take care of yourself
or at least try
to give as much
to yourself
as you do
to others

i dream of a home
all for myself
it has the standing kitchen aid mixer
in turquoise that i’ve dreamed of
since i was a little girl
in the back
there is a garden
where i can
turn my thumb green
and grow the ingredients
to nourish my body
to nourish this earth
to nourish my soul
i use a record player
to play vinyl
and cleanse myself
because
every day is full of new surprises
and my green thumb
helps me
create my own destiny

what sparks these thoughts & what allows them to tear me down

permanently adding to my body
illustrations that bring me joy
an outward expression of
the beauty i see in the world

the perfect pace
is fast enough to grow
but slow enough to reflect
on the growing i didn’t
know i needed.
looking back
on the times i once
thought
didn’t affect me,
now i know,
that the perfect place
allows me to move
at the pace i needed;
push me further,
and reel me in
when i get too ahead
of myself.

is it selfish to leave
in a time of crisis
to save myself from the anxiety
to prevent the depression
if that means leaving you behind
and going somewhere else
is that selfish

i am sinking
there is no lifeboat
no one to hold onto
it is me against water
how do i change
the course of what happens next
to rise
instead
of sink

there is so much time
and so many miles
that separate us
there are also
so many memories
yet to be made
and kisses that
have yet to be shared

who will help me
while i am busy
helping everyone around me
and leaving
myself
to drown
in my own fears

i’m going insane
thinking that
one day
this will all change
and the world will
work in my favor
bring me happy news
perhaps a bouquet of flowers
a card that reads “congratulations”
and everyone and everything
that tried to hold me back
was vanished from my life
but no
the reality is
that the only thing that is constant
is the cycle of my anxiety
and the insanity
that i think
it will all
change

the way you look at me
sparks a fire inside of me
just from your eyes
i feel wanted
there aren’t words
to describe
how much i love you
the love i feel for you
is exceptional and
big and
warm and
inviting and
i understand why people write about
love
now
i get it
because if you

the terrarium that encloses me
has many foreign obstacles
some with sharp exteriors
others with bright, welcoming colors
the glass walls allow me to see outside
there is an illusion that i am safe inside
able to grow over time
when really
i am stuck
watching the world spin around me

your eyes
are a pool of honey
that i could float in
forever

i feel small
but
still i wonder
will i
fit through
these walls

my new thing is not wearing a bra
it feels freeing
now every time i put on a bra
it feels restricting
the same feeling of coming home to this small town
this town that fits inside a snow globe
but i refuse to be held captive in my own environment
so i will continue to not wear a bra
and deviate from what is expected
in the restricting snow globe

i wish you did not have so much power over me
i don’t want to feel unsure
i want to be confident in my actions
but you take
every shred of dignity
i once had
and
continuously beat me
until i am on the ground
unconscious
unable to beg for mercy
unable to pick myself up again
i wish you did not have so much power over me
instead
i wish i had the power
to make it all go away

i have always fantasized about love
about being loved,
loving someone,
and bringing love into the world.
i have always worried that
i was unlovable
because
who would want to love
someone with so many
scars
&
bites
&
burns
&
open wounds?
someone who still fantasizes about love
when they have never seen it
outside of a fantasy

therapy is weird.
you can’t just go once and feel better.
you go,
and then you go again,
and again.
when you leave
you feel out of touch with reality
trying so hard
not to overthink
the things that brought you
to therapy
in the first place
feeling needy and displaced
wondering
when will it all feel
“normal”
again?

leaving home is scary
especially
when you just found it

i know you think i moved away because of you
this is true
i moved away
because you taught me to be independant
it hurts me that you think
i moved away for a negative reason
you are not a negative reason
you have taught me
everything
i know

the strings of my heart are not elastic
each time we say goodbye
the strings of my heart tear a bit more
time after time
bit by bit
the resistance weakens
until we are together again
and I feel complete

i am worried.
i am confused.
i don't want it to be different.
i don't want it to be changed.
i want you.
i want us
to share the same
love
as before.

i am done waiting
for the next thing to happen
i want the now
this moment
i want to know
what it is
everyone
is waiting for

i did not know i was capable of hate
especially
hating someone who
helped create me

one of the best gifts i have ever received
is the cd you made for me
simple and full of love
complete with your emotions
decorated with the gentle touch
that shines from your soul
i say "one of the best" because
truly, the best gift
is loving you

what if
everything works out
the way
it is supposed to

the first playlist you made me
gave me a glimpse into your soul
it told me you have been hurt before
despite this
you continue to believe in love
despite this
you believe in loving me

if kissing you is lemonade
may there be the perfect amount of sweetness
may our love always be sweet
never sour

today i cried over a salad
as i tried to do something nice
a simple gesture of holding the door open
for a complete stranger
i lost grip
as my overpriced lunch launched out of my hand
my anxiety came and took it's place
the stranger walked through the door i held open
and left me to clean up
the mess i made

i'm content with my life
in this moment
but also
in this moment
i think
it would be better with you

you are comfortable
and irritating
you stay constant in my mind
when i know there are more
important people to think about
but do you think of me?
how do you see me inside of your mind?
i want to move on
i know there are greater forms of love
but you occupy space and
i cannot convince myself to
get rid of you
just
yet

you
are the song
that i want to
play on repeat
to distract myself
from the world
that i currently reside in
i want to transform
into your song
and let the melody
take me away

it is safe here
inside your song
the chorus repeats
and i find comfort
in the repetition

i regret how i felt
previously
to our recent encounter
i regret
that i ever acted out of foolishness
or
scared you in any way.
but i will never regret
being with you

sometimes
even the social butterfly
gets social anxiety

the hair that grows on my body
has taught me how to love myself
in my truest form.
my natural beauty
has influenced my natural lifestyle
which i could not be
more thankful for.

kissing you is lemonade
because
lemonade is your favorite
and
kissing you is mine

i want to take all of the heartache away from you
i want to take the weight off of your shoulders
i want to be what makes you smile
i want to be the person you come home to

being around you
is easily
one of the best
feelings
in the world
but when we are apart
it physically hurts me
how
do i live my life
without you
constantly
by my side?
how do i
fulfill
my hopes and dreams
without molding
you
into them?
how do i make it
hurt
less?

times are changing
the sun will be replaced
by the moon
and the yellow light will
fade to darkness
but the cycles will continue
as will the changes
we will always be able
to count on the setting and rising sun
and the comfort of the moon
no matter where we are

my childhood memories
are like magnetic poetry
a simple word
can stand on its own
and spark a multitude of scenarios
a string of words
can un-pause a clip
from a home video
but you are
a jumble of words
that make no sense
the pieces can be rearranged
hundreds of times
and i will still be left
to piece it together
one by one
day by day
until i can forgive you
for turning my childhood memories
into broken pieces
and thank myself
for turning them
into poetry

anxiety is a scream that only you can hear
repeatedly
in the light
in the dark
regardless of who is around you
the scream continues
and rips apart
all you have left

i wish i could read your mind
but that would be an abuse of trust
so i must believe
that you trust me too
and will share when you are ready

i’m not going to apologize
for the things i’ve said
however
i will apologize
for the way those words
cut like a knife and
became misconstrued
i refuse to apologize
for my anxiety

the two of us
standing in a parking lot
or as you would call it,
a car park.
standing under the stars and the moon
together we confess our feelings
hugging for warmth and companion
who knew
i would be
falling
in love
in a car park

since i’ve been back
i have been writing less
i have been enjoying my experiences-
enjoying every day,
enjoying the company
this place brings me peace
and love
since i’ve been back
i have been loving myself more
and
i have been writing less

i wonder what it’s like to be tall
to stand tall
to see the world from above
if i was tall
i wouldn’t want anyone to feel small