I smiled today
a genuine kind of smile
the kind of smile that is produced
when a flower looks up at you
but then guilt reminded me
that I am not allowed to be
something of such beauty
so I washed it all away in the sink
(back to normal)
-

"I'm sorry for being a *****" said I,
A merciful hope and a terrible cry.

A terrible cry, a horrible plead
Wishing that you would concede

It's blatantly not my fault
That you're the one with words of salt

Salt that burns and sizzles and scalds
With the burden that I've hauled

I just wanted you to say
Anything else but "it's okay"

I sat down in the shower
It was only a moment, but it felt like an hour
The rain poured down my back
My body was consumed by a panic attack
The water mixed in with the tears that I wept
Overwhelming me from all of the secrets I kept
My sobs a cacophony with the pitter patter of drops
Little black ink stains from my eyes turned to spots
Splattering onto my ankles and my pale clenching hands
I slowly drained away, no longer solid, just sand
A fragile little thing in that shower, I was
Stripped away and torn up, never really
                      
                l
               ­           o
                                    v
          ­                                     e
                                                          *d

Always standing in front of the wall
Waiting for the strength to break through
The bricks to tumble, the spark of sunlight to warm me;
Embrace me; fill me.

Waiting, always waiting.
Will the bomb ever fall? Destruct whats been created?
Tumble dry, collapse among the wet grass.
[Who built you up? Who made this?]
Standing in the same position, shading others from the sun.
Break down-
let me see the inside: shine through.

Sinking in the hands of time,
The granules slip amidst a common dream.
Time going slower than speed.
Scared for the empty palm, the vision of skin.
So I hide-
I fill the palm until it overflows.

But stopping still in whats become,
Waiting for the thread to come undone;
So I can slip and fade;
Relying on the things that keep me sane-
Making me insane.


And then what will the morning show?
The same reflection casting; catching the current
Flowing with the river
Tangling in the cool water, kissing the breeze.
Can I just get a taste?

The tedious waking hours
Are just another day
Just another morning
To get out of the way.

Yet another reminder
Of things I cannot be
Of people I won't amount to
Of places I'll never see.

It's not as clear as day
But it's been here for a while
With the reactions people give
Why should I go the extra mile?

I spend an hour in the morning
Conjuring up my mask
Though vanity isn't really
A difficult thing to grasp.

But insufficiency is
For I've got everything I want
Everything but a genuine smile
Through convict and hatred and taunt.

I smile and nod
Because they think I have a soul.
My conscience within me sleeps
Even as I hurl stones at its window,
Begging for a terrible gut feeling
To keep me away from destruction.

My conscience never calls,
And my heart grows more swollen each and every day.
I am the queen of my own world.
I get what I want,
The queen of the gutter.

How much longer will it be until I crash?
A dagger through every heart somehow tangled in my web,
And the largest through the huntress',
Crimson fountains aspew.

That's when my conscience calls,
Screaming at the top of my lungs.
Not until the bodies lay cold on the linoleum
Will the guilt arise to eat me alive.

A curiosity dances in the back of my throat,
Choking me up.
A question
That should be so easy to answer.

But how could I know
When I haven't a clue where your heart lies?

Whisper to me sweet nothings,
Yet still swoon over your other love.
Kiss me goodnight
As if I am more than just your mistress.

This unanswered question
That I sacrifice my sanity for
Will never escape my lips,
For I fear the answer.