When I push you away
it means I want you
When I laugh in your face
I'm feeling for you
When I scream loud
I'm feeling small inside
When I'm missing you
I pretend I'm made of unbreakable pride
The truth is you have me so vulnerable
To an extent I'd never want you to know
and while I curse and pretend to hate
I'm really hopelessly in love masking my place

Walking down my road
Yellow lines under my feet
Rain on my skin
Down the line
Off the road
Sharp sand
Bleeding feet
Water washing
Sharp salt-stinging
Cold water
Knee deep
Obscure ocean

In a round box
I keep what I loose
Goodbyes I refuse to say
Photographs and letters
A few sketches
Scribbles and notes

Constant reminders
Of where I went wrong
Everything I can't fix
Or let go

Tangled breeze
Dancing up my legs
Across my shoulders

We behave
As wind
Behaves

Excitement
Rushing
Wickedly

“If you need water
Just ask”
But what I really
Need
Is pen and
Paper because
I’m bleeding
Words
Run faster
Than my mind
Can think
And your
Stone cold needle
****** find
No blood left
Inside my
Fingers
Clenched up
Holding on to
All that’s left of
Sanity
I never had

Tonight

Still you want
Blood?
Open up my mouth
And draw it
From my bitten
Tongue
Look inside my
Head and
Shout for the doctor
To come stitch my
Thoughts
Back together into
Someone who makes
Sense and
Sees light
At the end of

This tunnel

You offer Band-Aids
Trying to
Patch together these
Holes in my hands
And ask how
And who and when
“I guess you won’t
Do that again?”
Chuckling softer than
The ticks of the
Clock I’ve been
Watching
Counting down
All my words
Are slipping out
Of consciousness
I’m holding on
To grains of sand
Blowing away in
Winter wind
And
The mattress is
Soaked in the
Sweaty truth of
Words
You
Were too busy
To hear
To see
To ask

“Why?”

So bandage me
Up with your
Perfect prescribed smiles
Tsks and tuts and
“What would your
Mother think”s
And I’ll try to
Fit the pieces
Back together
By myself
With pencils
And napkins in
Your waiting room
While a cab comes
To carry me
Away

"Home"

your soft lips made mine feel soft too
my plain self effloresced under your fingers.

your touch made me quiver
your kiss sent a shiver
down
my spine
signs of fear and confusion
passion was our mistaken conclusion
or maybe that mistake was solely mine.

looking back,
the quickening of my heartbeat was a warning, not an answer
electricity can warm you
but it can burn too
i was prepared for the spark
but not for the consuming flames

i felt the unsavory heat of embarrassment not long after
grappled for an explanation as i flailed into uncertainty

who's to say where i faltered?
only you, but you've gone mute.

maybe i was wrong
maybe you never cared
i saw what i wanted to see
maybe that made you scared.

when i welcomed you in
to complete my hollow self
the void was too cavernous for you
you stuck me back on the shelf

maybe it wasn't fair
to need you in that way
i guess i should've known
you never intended to stay.

sitting on my sofa
your hand over mine
you kept trying to kiss me

i knew what you wanted then.

i acted like the movie i chose was mesmerizing
it wasn't. you were.
all i could think about was how it'd feel to kiss you
like you wanted
like i wanted

our breathing patterns matched up.
my ear was on your heart (that's the closest i'll ever get to it)
you kissed me whisperingly on the forehead
just how i like it.
how did you know?
how could someone who knew me so little know me so well?

when i finally succumbed
it was hungry.
you didn't kiss me delicately, as i was accustomed
i didn't feel like much of a person at all
i felt like a thing
but a desirable thing

HE kissed me like a treasure
like i could shatter at any moment
i don't know why i ever tired of it.

your ravenous lips and hands were at once refreshing and scalding.
you didn't kiss like a good boy ought.
i wanted to reciprocate, to participate.
i convinced myself, yes, this is what i want.
he is what i want.
and he wants me.

you kissed me like you loved me.
or like you could love me.
i didn't need you to love me, i never asked for you to love me.
but you convinced me you could.

now that just wasn't fair.

boys are magnifying glasses
they amplify emotions until they're unfamiliar and frightening

I'VE NEVER FELT SO WRETCHED
OR SO PRECIOUS
or so contemptible
or so desirable
or so powerless
or so beautiful
or so constricted
or so empty

as he made me feel.