I shoud've told the bartender to tie me to the last working pay phone.
But I didn't. I let her introduce herself. Sadie, she said, like The Beatle's song.

I'm hard to forget, so I asked, What's your motto?

She breathed in reverse. She looked at the door. She was past mottos.

It was Josh, right?

Yeah.

Let me tell you something. I'm the bad, **** ***** that's gonna wreck your health.

And she did.

Every weekend for 105 weekends. I opened her up like a paycheck.
I spent her on a big brass bed.
I spent her on glass tile.
I spent her on the kitchen island.
The Japanese table.
The water lily pond.

Her brother Frank or Gary or Marvin---some American classic---kept us
horizontal with white whiskey from his personal still.
Personal still.
And there is a house in New Orleans,
but there's another one in Colorado Springs,
one you should be wary of.

I shoud've told the bartender to tie me to the last working pay phone.
But I didn't. I let him tell me about his dream. My name is Jack, he said, as in Jumpin' Jack Flash.

Like the Rolling Stones' song?
Like the Stones' song, man.

You were in it.

Four white girls shared one mic. Karaoke night.

You were in my dream. Are you listening to me? I'm gonna say it anyways.
I only had one eye, but I could see you. Seen you plain as day.
You were scared of me. As you should be. We were on the coast.
No, I don't know which one. I saw that thought on your forehead.
It was a dream. Anyway, you were holding a pen. A giant pen.
And I asked for your name.

I lifted my drink from the makeshift napkin coaster. Pulled a pen out of my coat pocket.
Straightened out the napkin. I scribbled Nobody. Handed it to him. And aimed myself toward the interstate.

I shoud've told the bartender to tie me to the last working pay phone.
But I didn't. She had one helluva an afro. Her name was Katrina, not like any song, like the hurricane.

My skin tastes a little like coffee, Katrina said.

I like coffee.

You wouldn't like me.

Probably not. But I've been lost in this bar forever. I could change my mind.

No, sweetie. Forever ain't that long. Just ask my ex-husband.

Katrina paid for her drink. Asked me if I'd like the change.

Yeah, I'll take it.

I called my buddy Chris back in Oklahoma, but he didn't answer.
I called my buddy Ben back in Oklahoma, but he didn't answer.
Sam. Sarah. Brooks. Nothing. Silence.

Barkeep (I always wanted to say it), I don't think your phone is working.

It works. You gotta remember kid. You're on Rocky time.
There's an hour, every night,
where you're the only person you know that's awake.

A poor little boy with nothing to wear
climbed up in his mother's lap clinging his filthy teddy bear.

The mother pushed him aside as she inhaled some more drugs;
All the little boy wanted was just one little hug.

With nothing to do and no one to love,
the small boy sat down to talk to the One above.

"God, if you're up there, please let my mama know,
that even though she don't love me much, God.. I love her so.
Even though she hits me and tells me to go away,
please let her know God, I love her anyway."

The only sound that could be heard was that of the rats and the roaches
but a loud thump caused the boy to turn around,
only to see his mother lifeless on the ground.
"Oh mama," he whispered.
Then a deep voice yelled, "do you want the kid dead too?"
5 short years was all the little boy got to live through.

A rich happy boy climbs up in his Father's lap,
safe and secure knowing He loves him back.
His dad wraps His arms around him and holds him very tight
as the little boy grips his father's hand with all of his might.

The Father asks the little son
"was it hard loving someone who you knew didn't love you back?"
The little boy smiled and quickly replied,
"Well, You do it all the time."
And smiling, Jesus sighed.

I put all my bibles in a big box,
Stacked two-high, two long rows,
That was heavy to lift when the lids were closed.

All the books of theology
Endless volumes of philosophy
Filled five more boxes in the trunk of my car

It seemed that one box was lighter than the others
But I didn't think it was worth the time
To weigh them.

I carried them for 30 miles
Until I found the apartment
Of the old lady who bought them from me on the Buy 'n' Sell

She'd only had five dollars when she made the call
Said her home was lonely, her mind was lonesome
I spent more than five dollars buying gas for the trip

Heaving them out of the trunk with a grunt
I asked her if she wanted me to unpack them, put them on her shelf
"Oh, dear! I don't want to put you out!"

I took the first few books from the first few boxes
Running my finger down the spine of an old favorite
I felt a pang of regret

One by one I handed them to her and she placed them on a wooden bookcase next to a television set
Out of order, no sense of alphabetization, she didn't care
It was stupid of me that I did

Two rows across and two rows down
I gave her the last of the bibles
She marveled, "That's a lot of bibles, young man".

"Yes, it is", I agreed and she turned away
I was so glad she didn't ask why I was getting rid of them
What she must have thought

As if it mattered what some crazy old lady with just a five dollar bill thought
Five dollars to buy a few thousand dollars worth of dusty thought and rusted belief
Forty years of crossword puzzles, the easy ones quickly done, the expert ones left unfinished

So many not even begun

As if it mattered that she could never understand how dumbed down I'd become
Falling beneath life's hard demands
Taking the punches, getting back up again

I could never have told her, whether I wanted to or not,
That those books had picked me up and then let me down
Too many times to count

Those books had given me treasure to take it away
They'd taken my heart, swept up the floors
Opened the doors for Legion

They left me with nothing but answers to questions
When questions were easy to answer
And they teased with the only answer that mattered, refused to give that one up

Through pages and pages I waded and waited
For some kind of hope to go on
Something to show for once and for all that the wading would soon meet the shore

I expected too much of ink and wood
To convey what I needed to know
Binders and leaves could never contain the spoken Word

I tried to give her the five dollar bill back
She could have it all for free, it meant nothing to me
The trip had been a nice one, her manners were sweet

She wouldn't take it, though twice I insisted
But she sternly insisted to me
"There's too many bibles in this here lot, you have to take one back from me"

She was right. There were way too many bibles in that lot
I couldn't argue with that
And though my better instinct begged me to flee I got down on my knee

I reached to the bottom shelf, a pain in my back
I picked out a ratty old paper bound NIV
I'd drawn **** all over it to prove that pages and ink can never contain

The living...the breathing...the mystery...the words spoken
Even more importantly
The silence

I took that old tattered book and threw it
In the passenger seat of my car
I never thought about it all the way home

I rid myself of words and language
Driving through the dark night, squinting at the lights of oncoming cars
Dimly aware of the instinct to look away when they got too close...too bright

Turned my eyes to the right for the seconds until
Darkness returned for the precious time
Before another car came up and over the hill

Up, up, over the hill
In my pocket a five dollar bill
And a bible to my side

She said I was her second favorite.
Not that she'd met a better man,
but that way she left room for

improvement.

She wanted to believe in fidelity
like someone wants to believe
in Jesus or pure justice.

She asked my complex thoughts--
the wordless ones. I asked for an explanation.
She only stared, and I realized I
couldn't tell if her eyes were
green or blue.

She stabbed her ice with a straw
and told me to stop calling it love--
what we were making. That was
fine. I had a few other terms in mind.

She said nightlife and fanfare were
for homosexuals. So, we spent
most evenings eating Chinese takeout
in a rented room.

She vomited on the Fourth of July,
while fireworks erupted. I sat in
a lawn chair, and tried to remember
how she looked in that black A-line dress.

She needed to know my plans for our future.
I said there were endless open doors in front of us.
She said she only heard the sound of a door
closing behind.

She was a free spirit. And I "put it on trial."

She said she needed me

to change the channel.

She said when we ended -- and we would end --
I'd learn a valuable lesson:
a woman is the only creature
that doesn't have to die to haunt you.

The phone rang and as usual I answered with that touch of vocal swagger I'm so greatly
known for.
the voice on the other end was timid and who could blame her it's not often
A writer gets to speak with a semi legend in the making well kind of look I can ******* dream okay.

Is this Gonzo?
The voice asked unsure in a world of pitfalls and scammers she had stumbled upon  the
true voice behind the madness it was like Christmas minus the annoying little ******* and terrible music.

Why yes yes it is.
Hey this is Lily Mae  it's really awesome to finally talk to you.
I understood her happiness it must have been what it was like to first realize
your idols were real  Lily was thrilled with excitement she rattled on a star struck
fan in the glow of the great one.

I'm so used to this by now as you can imagine being as awesome as I.
We spoke for hours on some of my favorite subjects like myself.
Duh what else is there to talk about well besides ******* and what a ******* this site has become.

You know you really are a mystery to most and it really works for you.
Well honestly that's mainly because of the whole outstanding warrants thing I said.
To which she laughed.
Although I don't know why being I was serious.

We chatted for hours on every subject under the sun.
she told me all about her interests like miniature golfing and arguing with  airhead teens
at writers café.

And A bunch of other things I cant recall cause I was far to busy hearing about how awesome I was .
Well you can't argue with the truth folks I know they  don't call me captain kickass for nothing.

So I bet you get a lot of girls writing you huh?
Duh of course I mean it gets so bad cause I mean I hate having to turn them down cause I'm like
yeah I know all you poetic chic's want to get with me but like I got to rest my ding ding sometime.

You wouldn't believe how bad it is I mean there's a lot of really weird people out there on the internet.
Yeah and I think I'm talking to the weirdest.

Seems this hamster was getting a bit jealous I couldn't blame her.
But I was like a wild turkey I  had to run cause I couldn't fly and that and I'm afraid of heights.
But I'm usually cool with getting high not that you should ever do drugs.
Cause look what doing to many drugs can do to your brain.

Hell the effects are clear just look at the people that run this place.

Umm Gonzo I got to go.
Seems being in the presence of greatness  had all the normal side effects
but honestly enough about peoples personal problems.

Hey don't take this the wrong way or anything.
I knew what she was going to say next oh silly fans like I told my last one
of course you can send me **** pics just not if your a dude.
Duh who wants to look at some dudes hairy sack it was just a faze I was going through okay!

Besides I had to have proof Justin Bieber was really a guy .
I'm kidding like he has hair on his *****.
Not that I would know but I mean he is Canadian it's just there culture okay.

Of course Lily just remember I have high standards I'm kidding I'm a total ****.
What she said confused seems she was experiencing a contact high yes I'm just that good.
What the hell are you talking about?

Look I know how it is to be in the presence of Gonzo
trust me even I cant keep my hands off myself.
Big shocker there Gonz  but hey switch it up sometimes and call it a double date.

Lily Mae not only is she a poet She's a pretty good smartarse as  well.

Gonz what I was going to say was .
Is that don't be hurt but your kind of  weird so don't try calling back cause I'm going to block your number.

I heard what she was saying and like most men I didn't let reality get in the way of my own ego fed
*******.

Sure she was saying I was weird and after talking to me she really wanted to take a shower .
But what she was really saying was.
She knew I was a loner a outlaw  and a true freebird minus the really long *** song
and drunken redneck fans with lighters held up.

She knew she couldn't tame the king of crazy so she would simply admire from afar like all the rest
hopefully without  a restraining  order or pepper spray that *******
**** burns much like the clap.
Not that I would know.


Umm Gonz are you there?

Yes little hamster I am and I fully understand be free my friend and stay crazy.
Uhh yeah you to and well I got to go your really creeping me out.
Adios Lily.

And just like that she was gone but I believe she took a great deal from the conversation
like don't talk to people from the internet and sometimes people who play crazy
truly are ******* crazy.

So remember if your ever alone and feel like just talking to someone.
You probably want to avoid me cause it's really not a act.
And I'll probably scare the ***** outta  you or make you take a bath  and if so I'm
just saying that web cam is got to get some use sometime.

Stay crazy hamsters  

Gonzo

---
you missed the first curve, she said,
you see all the good girls are already
getting married at your age.
you're just going to have to wait
for the second. when the divorces start up.
when the bisexuals calm down.
---