I write about you because I need you to exist in my world somewhere, to remind myself that you were real. That we were real.
I never understood the saying "If you love someone, let them go."
It always baffled me.
Why would you want to let someone go if you love them?
That isn't what love is about.
Little did I know, I had no clue what love was about.
But I understand now.
I've loved plenty of people in my life and have let them go.
I still love them but I let go.
It's about wanting to see them happy, even if you're not the one to make them happy anymore.
It's about wanting the best for them in their life even if that doesn't include you.
It's understanding that you will never be apart of their life and accepting it.
It's accepting change.
I'm the type of girl who fights nail and tooth to hold onto people, places, things. Even if it's served it's purpose and isn't beneficial to me anymore.
That's been my hardest journey in life..is letting go.
But I think I finally understand and have come to terms with it.
I still love the people I love, and I always will.
But I finally accept it is best to set them free.
Because I love them.
And years later you're dancing in your kitchen.
The windows open, the smell of rain in the air.
And everyone who looks in gets to witness a girl falling in love with life.
Sometimes when I'm drifting off to sleep, the place between sleep and awake, I see you.
I see your blue eyes looking into mine.
I see the familiar sadness looming.
Your crooked, sheepish grin that always made my heart flutter.
I swear you made me feel higher than the moon.
You made reality feel better than dreams.
I study your face and trace all your features.
I feel your arms wrap around me and you now make dreams feel better than reality.
I wish I wrote the way I thought
With a hunger that can't be fed
I'd write until my fingers gave out
Until it was a black abyss
An immeasurable, deep, void with no words left
I catch myself driving by where you used to live
Pathetic, I know-but sometimes I still like to park on the street
And take a break just to feel close to you
I was once in love with my life here
In that one bedroom apartment
Streetlights illuminating the night as our view
On the balcony with your arms wrapped around me
**** this apartment complex
And **** you
You, who I constantly wait for
You, you, you
A broken record on repeat
Your touch is poetry I want to write
A thousand sparks exploding
A warmth I feel all the way to my toes
My head spinning
My body dancing to the melody of yours
I think of you when I hear sad songs
When I hear the rain pattering on the roof
In the purple of sunsets
The bottom of my wine glass
In the words of my favorite book
The satin of my favorite blouse
And all of the small things
She lost herself among the ever changing seasons
She wept beneath the wild sky as rain drops matched her tears
The color of the sky matching her despair
The flowers grew towards her light
The sun called her name
Knowing she would be back again
There is no safer place I know
than tucked in sheets
with my legs intertwined with yours
the feel of your bare skin on mine
and my hand on your heart
It's funny how we struggle to let things go
We hold on as tight as we can
Till our knuckles are white
The fear of the unknown too much to handle
Not knowing what comes next or where life will take us
What life will be like without a person we love, without a routine we've had for years, what makes us, us
We would rather hurt ourselves by holding on than accept the unknown, accept letting go
Laying in bed each night praying the hurt goes away
That you can make it another day
Even though you feel like your whole body is breaking
And that you're so alone
But eventually it gets better
It gets easier to get out of bed, the sun shining through the blinds illuminating the room
And you feel the warmth, the light
You start to heal
You start to find yourself again and what you love
You go to your favorite coffee shops, you enjoy reading new books, going on walks, and exploring new scenery
And everything feels so fresh and brand new
A feeling you haven't felt in a long time
And it's so liberating
To feel free, to feel that in your heart
And to know that it's all going to be okay
I love someone I can't love anymore
And it haunts me to my bones
I could travel the world
Fall in love a hundred times
Search from the highest mountains
To the deepest seas
But yet your arms will always feel the most like home to me
My hell exists
It's in the middle of the night
With a dagger to my heart
Knowing I'm without you
Standing on the rooftop with you
I want to see the world
Specks of stars in the sky
The man in the moon
Traffic humming in the background
I look in your eyes
Feelings come rushing back
Years of memories we have
I want to touch your skin
Feel your lips on mine
There's nothing more I want
But you're not mine
And it kills me to stand so close to you
And pretend I'm just fine
When I never stopped loving you
But time isn't on our side
Too early, too late
Could never get it quite right
But I would wait till the end of time
Just to have your lips on mine
I hope when my time has come
And I'm long gone
Someone looks at my words
The words that came from my soul
All the feelings of love, pain, happiness, emptiness, growth
And they know they would have loved me
Meet me in my dreams tonight
Where we can be together
And not have a worry in the world
Just the two of us
Till the sun shines
My life is a book
Full of words, love, life
Heartbreak, loss, victories
Of firsts and lasts
Lessons and memories
Some pages are torn
Battered and worn
Stained with time
Others are filled with stories
While some are fresh pages
Waiting for the touch of ink
It took a long time for me to figure out forgiveness
I carried hurt and anger around with me
Let them eat a hole inside me
Driving me mad
Till I couldn't stand it
Till I knew it was time to let go
To let my heart be free
Because the hurt and anger no longer belonged to me
Dancing in your party dress
Singing along to Tom Petty
Twirling around and around
The brightest smile on your face
A girl so full of life
So in love with life
And that's how I always remember you
He whispers in my ear again
A beautiful fallen angel
Asking to take my hand
To dance in the dead, black night
To make a deal to have my soul
To set fire to everything
And burn together forever
I'm tired of losing sleep over you
Still I'm lying here
Wide awake with the thought of loving you
Sunshine upon my face
The warmest feeling I've known
The fluttering in my chest, the air in my lungs
Feel like I'm floating
Never coming down
A free spirit
And I can't be tamed
You have a way with words
And your silence is a curse
No matter how many times I've been in the dark I will always choose to shine
Sometimes I close my eyes and see you standing there
Wearing your smile like warm sunshine, hand outstretched
Waiting for me to take it, waiting on me
Just like when we were young
You said I was too much
But maybe you weren't enough
I hope you fall in love with being alive
That you feel it coarsing through your veins
Pumping in your heart
A light feeling in your chest
And all you want to do is scream for joy
I am nostalgic for so many things
The feel of my mother's hand holding mine when I was a little girl keeping me safe from the world
From running free till the sun started to set
The brightest of pinks, blues, and oranges
Like someone painted the sky
Not having a care in the world
Pinky promises with best friends, that we'd never let go
From my very first kiss with the boy who gave me butterflies
Who I wanted to love forever
I still love him
And I can't imagine the day I won't
I'm trying to turn the page
But it's breaking my heart knowing you're not in the next chapter
You're no good but I want you
I can't hate you when I was the one who ran to your arms each time
I hope you're the best man possible for her
I hope you let her know how much you love her
That you show it continuously even when you're upset
That you hold her a little longer even when she pulls away
I hope you make her laugh
And that you love the sound of it and just hearing it brings a smile to your face
I hope you hold her hand and give it a little squeeze
That you give her kisses on the forehead and surprise her with her favorite flowers
I hope you think she's the greatest person you've loved
And you'd give her the world
But most importantly, I hope you do all the things you couldn't do for me
I would walk through fire to kiss your lips one last time
There's no worse feeling than the feeling of emptiness
I carried so much that wasn't mine to carry in the first place
Something is changing and I think it might be me
You were almost mine
And that breaks my heart
I forgive myself for all the things I did before I knew who I was
I let you change the way I see myself
And now I can't even look in the mirror
Hold me like this is the last time
I don't have to question the path you lead me on
I know I am safe with you
There's nothing more I would like to do than just lay down and accept defeat
My soul is exhausted
Every breath feels like a battle
But I have to keep going
If not for me, for you
I took a look at my old life
Knew I was never going to see it again
Took a deep breath and let go
Her eyes are so full of life
But she wears the saddest smile
I kept searching for heaven inside of you
But you were nothing but hell
I dream of the day we wake up and find our way back to each other
I spent a lot of time searching for love in the darkest places
I hope you find what you're searching for
And if you don't, I hope you find much greater