Ugh, I'm disgusting.
Cigarettes, nail biting, and *****.
Bad habits die so much harder than I do.
I bought some sheets today,
And some bowls,
And a power strip.
And that made me think of a power trip,
And how I wish I was on one.
I have wrinkles under my eyes, you know?
I'm not sure when they happened,
But I know why.
Maybe if I ******* ate something....
They're not as dark as the scars on my thighs,
But still.
I am too old for this masochistic *******.
The days where I was fourteen,
And the school counselor would call my parents
Are over.
There is no poor little ****** senior boy who wants to save me.
Kiss my scars,
And mend my heart.
Force me to eat,
And fix me.
It's not cute anymore.
It's just annoying.
I'm just annoying.
Ugh, I'm disgusting.

Can I make a sandwich at midnight?
Yes I can, actually.
Shut your
God
******
Mouth.
I like to ****.
I like to eat sandwiches at midnight.
I like to smoke.
I like to write poetry.
And make out in elevators.
And be young.
And I will **** **** if I want to,
And I will be  **** if I want to.
Try and stop me?

I really don't think you understand.
I will explain it to you.

Being bulimic is convincing yourself,
That you don't like pizza, or chips, or ice cream.
And eventually you believe it whole heartedly.
And you cannot stand those foods anymore.

Being bulimic is pretending
To eat dinner in your room,
And just hiding it in a plastic bag,
Until you have time to get rid of it.

Being bulimic is more than just counting calories.
You count calories, and bites, and calculate percentage of calories from fat,
And how many calories you have left that day.
And you can't sleep if you haven't written every bite down.

Being bulimic is having an absolute panic attack
When dinner plans are changed.
You planned for this meal.
And now everything you worked so *******, is gone.

Being bulimic is waiting till 2 am,
When everyone is asleep,
So you can sneak out to the kitchen,
And take a bunch of food back to your room.

Being bulimic is binging on so much food,
Way beyond what makes your stomach feel comfortable,
And you don't even like the food your eating.
You don't even like it, and you just stuff it in your mouth.

Being bulimic is being able to ***** without a toothbrush,
And doing at least 600 crunches that night,
So that you don't need to cut yourself
For what you just did.

Romanticize it all you want,
But my teeth rotted,
And i still have friends that listen outside the bathroom door.
Have fun, because I'm not.

I think my favorite person was me two or three years ago.
This is not a good thing,
I have been told.
I was really ill back then.
I ate very strangely.
I ate cheerios,
But everything else had to be thrown up.
I would only eat at 2 am when everyone was asleep,
And then I'd throw up and cry for ten minutes,
Only ten minutes,
And then I'd go back to sleep
I lost some weight back then,
About forty pounds in a year.
The doctors asked a lot of questions.
So did my therapist.
But looking back now,
I like how I looked back then.
My stomach was practically flat,
And I ran every day.
I did a lot of self harming,
I still do now,
But back then it was intense.
It took a lot of self control to do it,
And I would like to start all these habits again.
I tried to **** myself so many times back then,
But at least I was putting all my energy into something.
I broke hearts back then,
And I turned girls,
Which I liked to do.
It was a horrible, nasty habit.
I had some friends back then,
And I don't miss them,
But I miss going out and doing things,
And breaking laws,
And having fun.
I was a horrible, emotional wreck,
And no one gave a ****,
And neither did I,
And to be honest neither did you.
But I was smaller,
And I didn't eat,
And I hurt myself every day,
And I was a heart breaker,
And I was a law breaker,
And I was a lone wolf,
And I was the biggest mess in the whole wide world that revolves around me.
But hey,
I was smaller.
And I think that's worth all the other things.

I was literally *****
Over four years ago,
And I'm not over it yet.
I feel so ******* defeated.
And I've neer stop thinking
"I might as well just **** myself now,
Because this is pretty ******* pathetic."
But I'm still here.
And I think I regret the decision
To stay in this world.
But I'm not sure.
I'm just so ******* defeated.
And I know it's up to me to fix my problems
And be my own hero
And put positivity into my life.
But I tried
And I can't
And I'm weak.
And I realize it's supposed to be hard.
But I actually can't do it.
I hate him.
And I hate you.
And I hate who I am.
And I hate
I hate
I hate.

I have been tired,
For a long time.
And I'm just about ready
To go to sleep for good.