im alive
im sleeping on a roof right now
in my dream i stand
in my dreams i spend most of my time thinking
sane beauty
*****
cut
fade
angels pray
driving home
my path is perfect
swallow loose bolts
weighed down by crosses
my crutches
shifting
getting sweaty
sweet odor
barely born waiting
strong gaps end
a big gun going
crushed by lead
fresh loving numbed
tried tight
bitter falls spent falling
gaze constantly
mistakes eventually
perfection is nostalgia
a mad scene with important colors
darker cool shades of summer routine
a small orange
think its called a tangerine
you melted trying to understand me
puppets control the telescoping cathedral glass
we are wooden
i am holy benedict
existence overrun
you'll try a new direction
holy benedict patron
12 minutes
11 moments



walking frigid down the crest of a wave
kept spinning deeply free
i am green and red and yellow
holding hands with elves on daytime trowels
on shoals of sandy beaches creaking
creeping deathly towards peaches hidden meaning in my mind
help me say peace and green lively words
heavens receipt
he owes you a lot more than his life
eternal sin wrapped in a rapture unfurling
you kept passing saturn underneath the no and yes
david started to say before you cut him off
safe bridges cross memories corner
painted a house insane colors
too bright for morning eyes or evening skies
tomorrow is mist
their heads are held on tightly by glues brought in by alien exporter importers in the late early century of passing grace
passing tightly daily ladies keep spinning ten fer a dollar
filled to the brim
fix the wide hook looked deeper for a picture of my childhood reflected on my sneakers floatng in argyle lake
stuck in the slots of a bridge passing
sleeping tv

the present winter regret
stones in a box
sins are my present regret
please cease ******* yellow nothingness
ground rises and screams
car bells jingle jangle over the bridge
daylight in the tropics
whats crystal isnt gold
rub your temples
senses create gates
crystal sense creates gates
bens mouth
breathing a bit before dawn
fractures of laughter spinning off the plaster
ringing disonant in my ears
diseased mucous membrane ringing dissonant into my ear drums
doubt // awake // tears
child // dog // mother
searching for the frozen scent of symbols
random grace worn like velvet weather
addiction couldn't break me
buried my wifes mother's
in a peaceful cloak
danny // jimmy // brian
all gone
tie a chain around me
thirst and wanting more
bite your tongue

a pounding howl on the bedspread
hell is sober but i am the opposite
facebook.com/this-what-i-want-people-to-think-of-me

my heart is red writhing pink slime
sun mother trust
black god figure head pulsing
for many years sinking into pink slime blood flood writhing
look today my eyes look livid lucid green
three headed dragon of envy beckons

i live in a guilt home built by my grandfather 457 years ago
37 years ago
born deaf and dumb writhing
old children howling at the sun mother trusting

takes too long to say goodbye
my pink soul pining
feeling for a door ****
listening for the turn of a door ****
i love you forever i think
look at my words gloat
listen to my words gloat

float to the sky past the trusting
sun mother gods head gushing
pink slime lusting
red leaves rustling
serpent tongue spitting
me eyes
my ears
and my arms

a ways to go right?
the dead light from a million dead stars?
feels that way at least
feel like i am icarus
feels like i want red white and black
heart pink
soul gone
things long
say sleep
please say sleep

place the sky in a box and hope for an easy end
sun mother truth trust lost
sun mother trust truth lost

because you snooped around my drawers
ive snooped in yours
im not color blind but ive never seen blue
i saw red once didnt care for it
remember the time you said you though you saw a ghost
a great pull
you wanted to die

burning boys who lived in water
wind and heat licked me raw
we sit big beneath little hands with loose skin
you lose people when you cant lie good
can you hear my thoughts?
No that's alright i believe you

pink slime river rising
when i die smoke my bones
color me the color of silence and smoke my dry bones
metal face does not rust

one is used to dance
one is used to run
to push very very far away
2 whole years pining
pushing people very very far away

leave hair in my sink please
surrounded by tall walls
chrismas is purple
so im told
i wouldnt know

color blind pink slime writhing
she's there
shes there right now
a ghost isn't a window
a ghost is a door
dust in my eye
my ears
my arms
bring me some fast feet

how many times did you open that door?
how many times did you leave it open?
open stars
brain hard
a boy wonders
peace died

you didnt expect men to give you respect so you stole it
throw yourself at them
i wish we could escape
inside voices ladies and gentleman
inside thoughts

tonight is really hot
better off hiding forever
learn to hide better
slowly past the hand of a broken clock
wait for it
wait for it

voice can you just try to speak?
the weight finally burned a hole in my head
rain tree look tired
big man looks afraid
pink slime shines
shines like a diamond in the fog
a fog of beer

shadows of the subway cars
while you were out two hours came by and sat in that very chair you are sitting in now
they tried to wait for you
but the room started turning into a dream of pink slime

stand back i got a question to ask
it needs to be answered
how heavy was that weight?
the one that put the hole in your head
the light from a million burned out stars
how bright?

dank breath after you smoke my bones
high fruit flame and vegan ice cream
near simple
near divine

theyre called reasons and you have none
know chaos
know a tall latte
father save me
in the name of the father i am not worthy
these woods are easy to cross by foot
in the name of the father the son and the holy slime ghost writhing

what is normal?
what is constant?
more answers are needed
thoughts speak up
spring is constant
saints lead away snakes from my path
i took an oath to this forest
an easy path
a velvet nest
a shot of tequila
bring gifts to a suffering woman
i am yellow
i am a lonesome fly stuck
do a bump
i am an animal
i am glowing flowing pink slime rising
arms reaching
do another bump
legs carry me far
eyes please see color
mother in the sky truth wondering
Blundering
Fumbling for something
Black eyes gazing
into the hazing fog
built up by the pink slime rising
amen

I've been getting up to watch the local traffic patterns. I have a big plan to improve the traffic around town. It's appalling people have trouble getting around i swear. I'm going to turn this plan over to the highway department at the end of the month. it will revolutionize things. Its all just slow moving traffic creeping through town. Turn left turn right or go straight. Lots of cars. when my father lived here Main Street was one way and there were still trolleys that went up the street that took you to church on sunday morning. You still get the feeling that all the streets meet at the same place but too many people are going there and no one is going to church. The point is most days come and go with no more significance than the morning coffee or pieces of paper blowing in the breeze getting caught in storm drains soaking with ***** water and falling to pieces. On this day however or night I should say something changed in me. It was a grey saturday in early spring and I was drowsy at the park on a lone bench after having read the local paper. It was election season so it was all about the candidates. Johnson supports this while Crenshaw starkly opposes the same measure. It was boring to say the least. I had fallen asleep and woken up about 4 o clock and found my paper to be missing. Some passer by had probably picked it up thinking i was through with it. And I suppose i was through with it. I did find a bit of humor in it remembering how i had drawn over several of the politicians faces. A mustache on him devil horns on her. It was something to pass the time i guess. I decided i had nothing better to do so i closed my eyes and fell back asleep. Only waking after the sun had disappeared from the horizon and the moon graced the sky with her presence. I suppose I will walk home now i said to myself.   Standing in the pale moon light with her beams comin down to the left and an airplane flying on my right. For a moment i imagined them smashing together in a cloud of moon dust and jet fuel throwing off tides and sending the earth careening off into space but i knew they wouldn't. I see a bench in the distance and i make my way over as i found i was not quite ready to find my way home after all. A lonely newspaper holds the seat for me and i briefly pick it up checking to see if it was mine from earlier. too much of a coincidence i suppose but still i checked. I set it aside and place my hands over my face and breathe hot air to warm myself up. The ticking of my watch seems to keep a rhythm with the passing cars and gently falling rain that wets the tops of my shoes and it all slowly blurs into a whirling blue and when i open my eyes im at the foot of your bed and i find myself saying "When i lay down to sleep beneath the tree i dream of blue water because my river speaks to me she comes and goes she ebbs and flows like the winter spring summer and fall i am a sinner but i sing to pierce the fog do you hear my call? do you hear my voice carry through this cave filled with rags and ***** cards? Do you ever come out here at night to see the stars?" Who am i talking too? "In the early morning before the sun when the snow falls with just the right weight to cap the dark stone along your wall and pile up like lazy cats on a fence. I think of you." Ive never owned a cat i dont know if im afraid of them. snakes and cats are demons to be worshipped revered and feared. Again i find myself saying "I would try to escape the dull light but Her has big eyes and dark hair. her is in love with an island and a feeling. Mine is still afraid of an island but it still occupies mines thoughts" how strange a feeling but its warm here so i stay for awhile longer. "And the look in your eyes when you speak of your wife in germany can make tired dry men cry violent blue tears." Upset by what i had said in my dream i will myself out of it and find myself on the bench with the newspaper beside me. It is the day after valentines day.  Thoughts return to yesterday and a feeling of deja vous comes over me. Had i been here yesterday? No I spent valentines day in the city with the bike rental guys and pepsi not really knowing what it meant to me. One bike rental guy i spoke with at length had a sad reply to a comment i made about how much i enjoyed his conversation and i said truly you are a good man. He said "truthfully, all my talent and tact i make up for it with what i lack. Im jealous and competitive but id rather step aside than talk about my pride and ill hide behind my wine." A sad and haunting verse as it rings in my head tonight on this bench with the old newspaper. I get up to finish my walk home.

pick and choose and prioritize
you have one hundred different kinds of days to live
about 30,000 chances to repeat them
where does your heart live
in the depths?
or in the stars?

he said:

"you gotta hit it hard in the guts, blood and thunder and all like"

life is fraught with peril
like a foreign film without subtitles
you choose how it ends
the subtleties
the inconsistencies
the balance of here and there
the cliche duality of life
good and evil
god and devil
now or never

      he rolled 13 cigarettes
      took one glass of whisky
      stepped 3 times down the stairs
      walked 3 miles down the street
      and fell 6 million times in the dark

i was born like a tree
arms raised like branches
growing through my chest
leaves falling all around me
naked in the winter
clothed in the summer
roots go deep
no time to sleep
come here and flow up my xylem
lay in my phloem
my chlorophyl will fill you up
my sap is like wine
stay drunk all the time

you me and alcohol makes three
and all things that we considered to be bad before makes four
or five if you count that one time
wait never mind
and we consume every other day so we aren't alcoholics or addicts so to say
and it has been a long time consuming these things that bring us down to even us out
maybe a week or two into the new year it was unclear what it was about
even more unclear now with reasonable doubt
but maybe we are in the same boat from a different town  
travel down very different roads but a similar route
to escape from the cold to find heat in hot air
from the sky or from a guy or a girl or from the world
because the ground is hot underneath dig deep
reach for that part at the bottom in the corner behind old spent matches and cigarette butts
to find what was buried when you were first afraid to sleep alone
because your mind is a throne and your body a temple
remember I respect I entirely
never forget that you own your own soul and steer it where you want it to go
never forget that I respect you
and truthfully
do what you will
spill the milk
you create the bed upon which your value and worth rest
I am an outsider only a guest
I can sing your song
for short or for long
you decide which is for the best

hard pressed to find something better
ive been fighting these demons for years
they know me by name
they send me christmas cards and ask about my family
its december and im still dealing with the excesses of summer
4 months later
carrying a cumbersome load
of these figures and forms i took on
some of their names scars upon my skin
others simply grease between my gears rolling on
and its the latter that really are the holy
i feel i am chained to them
like he was to his gun
frozen to fear but feeling the wind at his back he moves after a year
or two
or three