Looking back after all these years,
It’s hard to believe that my best friend is a memory…
Letting you walk out of my life without trying to stop you,
It makes me want to try to reverse time…
Because I know I am much different now,
And I believe you would be proud of the person I have become.
Prayer is the only way I communicate with you now,
Hoping that you are loving life as much as you always did.
Reconnected with the Lord, and for the first time, myself,
I would love nothing more than to mend any wounds I left,
Patch them up with bandages and apologies.
I want you to know I’m sorry.
There are so many things I shouldn’t have done…
I don’t need to list them because you know,
And I don’t want to relive those memories…
Because I hate myself for all of them.
How could I?
That person from two years ago, now,
She was not me…
Just know, you’ve helped me grow,
Because I now tell nothing but the truth.
I was exhausted of swimming in my own lies,
Trying to keep up with them was like running a race…
But I could never finish fast enough.
And, like you advised,
I stopped moving from boy to boy.
Alone now, for quite some time,
Because I like the way that freedom tastes
And focusing on myself has matured me.
I live life with no regrets,
But if I did have one,
It is putting you through all the *******.
It hurts now, knowing I am far too late to fix this.
I live with nothing but a forgiving heart,
But I would not blame you if you couldn’t forgive me.
Too much damage was done by a past me,
But just know, I apologize for each word and action.
I wish I could rebuild the walls I crushed, but instead,
Here I am, knowing I let my best friend slip away…

Only a year ago, we were all just kids thinking we held forever at our fingertips.
Invincibility was upon us as we stepped on campus for the first time as students,
Beginning our journeys into the unknown realm of college.
Everything was new and exciting;
Classes, food, activities, clubs, schedules, people…
Remember how we didn’t want to go home?
The best place in the world to be, at the time, seemed like it was right there.
If we left for a second, we would miss the whole planet,
Be left out of the loop for an entire week.
High school seemed too close and too far,
And we were stuck in this limbo where we were not sure how to act.
Running around like tweens out past their curfew,
The upperclassmen were so cool, and calm, and collected…
We aspired to be like them one day,
Copying the way they blended into this campus with so many colors.
And slowly but surely, we have…
Without even realizing it, we have matured worlds, and
Realization has dropped itself into our hands where pixie dust sat before.
Isn’t it funny, now, watching the new group of freshmen repeat the cycle?
Looking back, I thought life was so easy.
The only cares I had in the world were attending class and finishing homework.
Making friends appeared to be simple; keeping them did, as well.
Things seemed to fall into place as if they knew where to be dropped.
Now, we make things happen for ourselves rather than sitting back and watching.
Instead of running aimlessly, we stride with a purpose.
For we know our niches and where we are needed most.
Our eyes sparkle even brighter, I believe,
Because we have found a place where we belong and want to be.
I am waiting now, looking at this group of new kids,
And wondering how long it will be before the change happens to them.
How long will it take for them to realize that home is not such a bad place to be?
As a matter of fact, as I sit here in the room I grew up in,
I feel nothing but nostalgia that makes me want to be nowhere but here.
Here, I have no worries, and I can reflect on this past year and how much I have grown.
Growth. Isn’t that something that we forget about?
Assessing how far we have come over the past twelve or so months?
Because I now see with open eyes, where before, I merely just *looked.

Walk into the auditorium just to see the band on stage…
I swallow my spit,
my nerves,
and my pride.

Oh, you are talented, dear,
Because I sit between two of my best friends, and yet,
I feel completely alone in this room full of people.

Because the only things I see are brown hair and a gray shirt.
Because all I am aware of is your goofy grin and saxophone, and
The way your lips part when you laugh still makes my heart shiver.

I’m begging just to see your face once.
To be reminded of the way that lights make your eyes
Look different every time,
Picking out the specks of blue, green, and gray
As if your irises were a kaleidoscope…  

My mind suddenly feels perceptive of every emotion,
And from across the stage and stadium seats,
I feel your eyes avoiding mine,
But I cannot break this cold stare of heartbreak
And the needles that caress my spine.

Although my brain is unwelcoming,
Memories are flooding my head…
Reminding me that once, you held me close,
Telling me things I shouldn’t have believed,
Holding my hand
Telling me I’m not damaged
Inviting me into your world
Reassuring me it was okay
And yanking it all out from under me.

And everyone stands for the convocation,
I’m thanking the stars for this opportunity,
Because right now it’s socially acceptable.
It’s okay that I stare at you and let my heart beat fast,
Because you are on stage,
And I’m just one in the crowd.

But I always was, wasn’t I?
Just another one in the crowd?
Another float in your parade of heartbreaks.
It’s okay, my heart is mended,
Please, just look my direction…

My mind is not sure of anything,
But everything else is,
Because we finally just made
Eye contact.

This morning I heard the tapping
Of rain on the windowsill
Today, it made me sad,
But I rolled out of bed, still.
The world outside is lazy today,
It looks like somebody pressed pause.
When usually I would love a day like this,
My sadness… I can’t figure out the cause.
Raindrops kiss my forehead
As I make my way to class,
Some are dancing and some are frowning,
The people and emotions I pass.
I stare out the window
Simultaneously solving equations,
Still, I’m at a loss for the reason
I’m lagging instead of feeling elation.
At a time, I was in love with rain,
The way it fell down from the sky.
How it made the whole world gray and slow,
It’s way of making people laugh or cry.
I remember how I cried on one rainy day,
After giving all I had to him.
It’s not that I regretted a thing,
But that my heart was filled to the brim.
Or the time that I drove all the way to his house,
While the sky poured down buckets of rain,
Just because he needed some company
Just so I could try to heal his hurt and pain.
I guess this day just reminds me
Of the reasons I used to love bad weather,
Because gray was how I felt all the time,
Am I sad now because I am better?
It seems that before, I had holes in my heart
That rain would fill and attempt to make me whole.
It turns out that I really needed sunshine,
And that would explain why today, rain takes a toll.

Have a seat, sit down and talk to me.
I’m a closed book of secrets, you see.
I’ll promise you now that I won’t tell a soul.
Because I’ll do anything to make a life whole.
Know you can trust me because I’ve been in your shoes.
Swimming at the bottom with nothing to lose.
It’s worth a shot if I can save you from destroying  yourself
If I can somehow demonstrate your value, your wealth…
I know how it feels to hate the skin that you’re in.
To not know where you are and forget where you’ve been.
I understand the pain of looking in a mirror,
And seeing a blurred image although completely clear.
I’ve walked down the path where I lost myself.
I’ve been at that point where I don’t care about my health.
In front of my eyes I’ve watched a love die,
Felt all the hurt of my strong mother’s cry.
Been separated from family and came back home,
Unanchored and drowning when allowed to roam.
Experienced first love and letting it slip away
Never spilling the words that I was dying to say.
Been used like a play thing and left here to die
Picking my pride back up and hanging myself up to dry.
Lost good friends that I will never get back,
But forming new friendships that will forever last.
Losing my faith in God and even in air,
Finding my way back through the power of prayer.
I am here for you and I’m here for anyone
Who on a bright summer day cannot find the sun.
If you feel like the sum of your parts is worth nothing,
Come have a talk with me so I can tell you something.
You are worth more than the weapons in your hands,
So if not for yourself, who will ever take a stand?
Your body is the greatest gift you will ever obtain
So treat it with care and forget about the pain.
And if after all this you are still holding the knife,
Talk to me so I can remind the beauty of this crazy life.

Fill in the blanks.
Check the best answer.
Directions. Instructions.
Make your mark clearly.
Shade in the bubbles.
Use pencil only.
Testing. Testing.
Are you still there?
Time has begun.
Clock ticks away.
Testing.
Pick up the pencil.
Read the question.
Testing.
Calling all memory.
Are you there?
I’m here.
Don’t know the answer.
I never have the answers.

Sometimes I wonder…
What if I was my teddy bear?
The one with the brown fur that
With me, has gone everywhere?
I think I’d remember the name
My girl gave me.
The moment she brought me to life…  

Yes, the moment she made the wish
On that heart, and put it
Straight into my chest.
She doesn’t remember that wish,
But I do
And I’ve tried my best to make it
Come true.

The happy times when I
Was brought everywhere,
Dancing in her room,
Or brushing her hair.
Or the lonely times where I
Sat in her closet, waiting.
I knew she would be back for me.

The time she retrieved me again,
I was excited; but she was sad.
So I comfort her, though I cannot
Hug her back.
No matter how much I try.
My cotton arms are limp
While she tightens her grip
On me.
She tries to transfer her pain
Into my stuffing.
She wanted to be free of the hurt
And the suffering.

She was happy the next day,
Or so she tried.
But then, I’ve seen everything
That, from others, she tries to hide.
I was left up on her bed,
And I waited for each night.
She would crawl under the covers
And cuddle me tight.

The days turned to months
And the months turned to years.
Eventually I was forced
To face my biggest fear.
My girl, she would graduate ,
Any day, now.
I knew I had to pray
That I could leave with her, somehow.

While she packed up for college,
I sat quietly on her bed.
For how could a bear blame her,
For not wanting a
Stuffed animal
To tag along?
She packed up all of her things,
Climbed into her bed for the very last time.
She laid her head on that pillow,
And softly, she started to cry.

She quietly sobbed to me,
About her wishes, dreams, and fears.
And for another time, my fur
Soaked up her tears.
When the next morning she woke,
Scared and out of place,
She turned to me and smiled,
With a bright look on her face.
The boxes were out of her room,
She finally picked me up.

Here I sit now, in a dorm room.
In case my girl needs me.
I know I’m the only boy
That has been here through everything.
The years full of tears and cheers.
Maybe someday, a man will
Take my place.
But until that moment,
I am here.