Have you ever sat and down and thought about stuff but not really think about them all?

Have you ever wondered why the bad things happen after the good things?

Have you ever wondered what it is that wipes all the great things from your mind?

Have you ever regretted making a decision that could have changed or prevented something else?

Have you ever needed to cry so bad but the corners of your eyes refuse it?

Have you ever felt so pathetic that it hurts your heart knowing what you've become lately?

Have you ever felt so ashamed that you hide behind a curtain of make believe everyday?

Have you ever been so ashamed of what you are or what you've become that you think life would be better without you in it?

Have you ever cried in an apology so hard that they think your faking it really well?

Have you ever wanted to die so bad, that you think life is just the sentence instead?

I, Catherine Francis Pelletier, do.

Trying to say what you feel
But no words can describe the horror
No eraser can rid the words of pain in lead
No white out can erase scars of ink
Permanent
That's what pain is
Sticks with you forever like a cut or tattoo
Cover yourself up so nobody can see
The true self you are  
Lie to yourself
Feed your mind thoughts and stories of what you can be instead of are
Because that's reality
The invisible noise choking the speech of truth
The mirror your fist can't break
Only see the shattered reflection
Waiting for your life to break like the pieces of glass
Or maybe that's it
The pieces refusing to fall is faith
Expecting them to fall
But knowing they won't

Like a cracked painting
It looks like it will fall apart but with faith it can stick together through all the cracks
The watercolours are a metaphor of emotions
One solid color is strong then fades to a pastel and swirls with the next hue
A barely there shade you have to
Try to see
The chaotic stokes of the brush by a mad painter trying to captures scene or moment that will last forever only in memory  
Or hell
Even a photograph
A black and white scene that helps you remember
But you can't remember the emotions
Only a snapshot of life
One moment you had
But life goes on

Like a jewelry box you wind it up
So tights sometimes
The song plays rapidly
Letting loose the notes it has
Withheld from the silence
And eventually lingers away from
Sound

Like a grand piano
You see it's Beauty but not it's pain
You see the ivory keys
You do not see their chips
You see the strings
You do not see how their torn under pressure
You don't know
So don't assume

Haunted words
Haunted mind
Looking for something
I cannot find

Looking through the dark
Is the hardest thing of all
Trusting your instincts
But waiting to fall

I can the reaper
At the edge of the clearing
He knows what I know
He knows what I'm fearing

He walks over slowly
Not looking at me
But my surroundings
Waiting to be free

I try to run away
In slow motion time
I'm suffering the consequence
Of a high crime

Slipping through time
Falling through nothing
Tumbling through gravity
But not even rushing

This is punishment
Enduring forever
Forgetting the ending
Never, never

Still walking the reaper stands
Alone in the trees disappearing
He stands looking grim
And looking leering

His hooded cloak
Ripples in the air
The balances in his hand
Are equal and fair

I'm a goner with
Nowhere left to hide
Now he takes my hand
And guides me through the night

He's locked me in his chains
It's already be an eternity
I guess that's what's what happens
When you have nowhere left to go
Purgatory

My
Young lust
Is going into
Inter stellar overdrive
Strong emotions of feeling
Fearless
But I am
Lost for words
One of these days I'll be
Learning to fly
But
Us and them
Are
Running like hell
One of these days
I
Wish You Were Here
With me while I
Have A Cigar
My thoughts will be
Coming back to life
I have
High hopes
For the
Echoes
Behind the wall
But they are only
Another Brick in the wall
Sitting here while my
Brain damage
screams
Hey you
But bieng
Comfortably numb
No one will reach me on
**The dark side of the moon

I'm trying to figure out what this means
What it means to be done
When we broke up I didn't cry
I was too shocked
When you told me about the other girl
I didn't scream or hit you
Still trying to process the conversation
Over and over and over
Stuck on repeat
Replaying it in my mind
Could I have done something
To keep us together
To keep us happy
To see you smile on last time
No.
I couldn't do anything because the words
Lashed at me like a whip
Leaving me in pain but refusing to cry out
For your satisfaction
You walked away with a smirk at the corner
Of your smile but I didn't care
I replaced you with cigarettes
Because like you no matter how dangerous
They'll love you an leave coming back
For
More.
I got home one day a few weeks later
And replaced you again with the blade
Of a pencil sharpener
You tore a hole in my heart and the only way
The feel like that again was to tear a hole in
Myself but not the wrists
That's too obvious
Before we finished you always told me you
Loved my overly curvy legs
I didn't so seeing the cuts there was like seeing your face one more time
But then I'd see that last smirk in the corner of
Your smile and I knew I made you smile again
So I stopped you met a new girl with big *****
And a small waist and way too much makeup
And I felt happy because you finally found someone else to torture besides me
The she struts was like a cow
One foot in front of the other
The way she laughed was like a ******* banshee looking around to see if anyone else was laughing
So all I have to say now is congratulations
Great performance on the loving male
character who pretends all the time but
who has a habit of breaking hearts like a
convict breaking parole
Good job on making her makeup smear
that day you were finished with her and good performance on before you walked away you had that same smirk in the the corner of
your smile. But one day the girl will break your heart and you'll be wondering why
and she'll walk away with a little smirk in the corner of her smile.
What goes around comes around, just
like a circle and when you meet
the last one she'll be hurtful.

The window frame is frosted shut
With age and time
The edges of the painted pane
Are scorched all well and fine

The mystery welcomes visitors
Trying to buy the house
But their blind eyes watching
Eventually drives them out

The story is told through the creaks
And rythemic bangs
The noose at the gallows
That's where it hangs

The essence of the house
Is fueled by thoughts
The rope of the noose is
Tangled, torn with knots

The walls are painted with dirt
But sounds bring to life
The story of a girl
Fascinated with a knife

The only way to rid it
Is if you put out the fire
It won't go out, never goes out
And the flames are crawling higher.

Dread fills my body
My nerves begin to react on their own
Awaiting the anger filled conversation  
I can't respond to his yells
Can only see the hurt in his eyes
That I caused by an accident
No matter how many "Sorry"'s
I say he won't forget my action
My stomach threatens an acidic
Explosion up my throat but I manage
To push it till later when I can't handle
It.
But I don't think I can handle to see the
Disappointment in his eyes.