I attack myself.
Wanting to hold onto you,
Loving that I see you you everywhere.
Hating this dependency,
Disgusted by what is now roaming free in my mind and soul.

These thoughts of having hurt,
These thoughts of causing hurt.
Most of all I fear the need for hurt.

I am so desperate for water.
There are springs overflowing with life,
Rivers running rapid with love.
Still I travel painfully into a desert to seek water from a cactus.

Bleeding with every attempt,
Thorns left beneath my skin.
Once I break through for the small drops of water there,
I find that they were never meant for me.

I deserve to splash in the water,
Swim in the ocean,
Dance in the rain.

I deserve life and love,
Honesty and trust.

How is it that pain can out way pleasure?
That hurt can out way love?
That cacti can out way the water of life?

I trusted you,
Took you as unknowing of your faults.
Thought I could believe you,
Confide in you my thoughts.

My heart still clings to you,
All of your aesthetic charms.
My mind and soul are hot coals,
Burning with anger and wanting vengeance.

All this time I thought you had seen me,
You had looked forward through a window.
You are truly a man of mirrors though,
Seen because I stood behind you,
No matter how much I wanted to be beside you.
Even now you can't see past yourself,
Oblivious to the fires burning around you,
You'll remain like this until it's you they consume.

Broken again,
I hate you for this.
I wanted you because you were a cure.
Now I'm left to the old antiseptics,
Music, movies and sympathetic friends.
They dull pain until I can find time to stand in the rain,
Find the time to confront this pain and banish these demons.

All my "thank you"s become regrets,
All the electricity grounded and gone.

Silently I sit here.
Quietly I wait.
Patiently I watch.

I notice you.
I notice you with her.
I notice how I,
amongst your many other puppets,
sit in angry jealousy.

I wonder about my strings.
I wonder if they're too broken.
I wonder if a puppeteer,
especially one as indecisive as yourself,
could ever find me worthy to keep.

I see you in my imagination.
I see you in reality.
I see that I,
despite have great desire to do so,
cannot leave you alone.

Patiently I watch.
Quietly I wait.
Silently I sit here.

Two sides of me at war.
I'm trying to save you.
I'm trying to harm you.
All with one body, all with one mind.

The girl you saved still clings
To what she imagined of you.
The smiles and the laughter.
The jokes and the rings.
The rise and fall of your breath,

The girl you unlocked still fights,
She needs revenge.
She was happy with her pretty cage.
Happy to tear at the nice girl,
Happy to destroy her from within.
You forced her to surface,
Forced her to be seen and heard.

With every false assumption,
You sink further into her grasp.
With every lie and every betrayal,
You become increasingly harder to save.

When will you confess?
When will you learn to ask?
When will you change?

I will wait.
If there's anything left,
I'll be there to collect it.
There like you never were.
There like you never wanted to be.
There like I wish you would've been.
The like I know you could have been.

You've woken something inside of me
This time I cannot smile
You've unlocked the door to all that I have suppressed
Two years I'd done it
Passing with a smile

Now screams become external
Twitches are visible
Instability is more than mental

My muscles ache
My appetite nonexistent
I jump at the slightest thing
My body is always chilled

I still want to be yours
All this pain isn't enough to keep me away
I still want to hurt you
The guilt has disappeared

It's all the wrong things
That make you seem so right
The fact that you'll hurt me
Makes me willing

You say you know
You have no idea
The deep end of my darkness
It has found you
Rather you have found it and are taking a swim
Careful, these are dangerous waters
I'd just hate to see you drown

I don't need a hero
I just need to get through the night

I need to breathe
I need safety
I need your questions
I need to believe

I don't need a hero
I just need more than you can offer

Everything you have is temporary
Love only existing to expire
Artificial care to clever for reality

Everything you say
Is all I want to hear
Every red flag of danger
Makes me want to trust you

Lean on me when your broken
I'll revel in your pain

Just keep in mind
You brought this upon yourself
I am not nice and you never deserved it
I am cruel and you always wanted attention

I said it wouldn't matter
I said I wouldn't care
You with everyone else
Always remaining without me

Then you opened your mouth
Things were said
Illusions were made
You made loose speech and thought

I see you prance on their hearts
Intentions blind to the pain you cause
Recycling your charms for all of them
I watched your careless game

I am still free of you
I am burdened with you
Another man I cannot trust
Another lie that I saw as a truth

While I thank you for opening a door
For showing me to open up
I loathe you for showing me I was right
That while I can be open I can never trust

In a world where
All I ever do is feel
All I ever do is listen

Will I know a world where
I am sometimes felt
I am sometimes heard

I feel like I did before the damage
Before my world was broken
Before these walls were built

Feel proud
This girl built her own tower
You made her strong enough to build her own ladder
Saved her without patronizing her with rescue

I feel as though this heart can be stitched together again
Unless all this euphoria is a joke to lure me in

All these feelings
All these thoughts
Heart is racing all the time
Hands jittery from your touch

I wait like a book for you open my pages
Every detail open to you
Can't bare to share my past with those I love
You, however, I like and I am dying to share it all with

I want you to know that I have been down
Want you to know you showed me that I could stand up

Electricity
Tingly fires inside
Pulling me to you
My will irrelevant

Starting in my fingertips
Sneaking a reason to touch your hand
Zinging into the back of my hand
Your response burning insecurities

My hands pleasantly ache with light
A light my heart burns with
Something I can't imagine
Something I have missed

I know this is a wrong turn
I know that you're bad news
My head tells me to care
My heart says that I don't

You know how to make me smile
Slowly starting to understand
I'm not so misunderstood
Just largely undiscovered

There's a thunder storm out there
As the lightening strikes I smile
Head leant on the window I can only say
"The speed with which you hit the sky,
Is the speed my heart beats around this guy."

For the first time
the flaws are fine

I can't justify them to my likes
I can't agree with why they exist
They are part of you currently
Currently I'm wanting to be part of you

I'm going to try and fix you up
Some flaws are ment to fade
But some of them I love
More than the ones I hate

False laughter inspiring real joy to burst from your lips
Movement lacking grace but never happiness
Motivations that are selfish but beautiful
The way you can't stop

Not as perfect as first thought
Effects still producing affection
Still drawn as moth to flame
Still glad to feel without shame

Touching your hand was electricity
Haven't thought straight since
Buzzing synapse to synapse
Still made of electric fire

I know that you're wrong for me right now
I'll stick around with patience for tomorrow
The one whose always taking your bait
Though remaining the one you never catch

I cannot truly express my gratitude
You've shown me a side of myself
Now I can see the full reflection
Instead of staring into a broken mirror

Happiness that's never fleeting
Always able to smile
As long as I can remember
How you make me look at life

I will wait at home
Wait for you to live your lessons
When you learn to get along
We'll learn to get along

The monster inside me is ever alive
Chancing to come out and play
Ever prepared to play with sin
Ever prepared to win

Cages and screams
Hopes and dreams of better days
Music brings out my emotions
In fits of thought I am never safe

Eyes blurred with its haze
No longer myself
The girl you see now something darker
Perfectly tempting and dangerous

Only visible in the mischievous glint of the eye
The smirk of a killer becoming too effortless
Begging for someone to save me
Screaming to have control

It loathes your effect on me
You spark one dead flames
Making me want to change
Feeling its presence less around you

It hates that you can't see it within me
Your habit to only see the good
Your inability to catch me on a bad day
Manipulate diffused at your feet

I crave to be near you
Yearn for the wide eyed way I feel
The way the sun set high
The way the shadows grow short

Satisfied with what I already have
Any vicinity will satisfy my heart
Feeling this way is the worth
Showing my demons defeat

Look at me and break my shell
I've sat here and waited
For your eyes

With eyes that see past my own
Through the window they become
Into my heart and it's pain
You can hear these muted tears

For all my truths lay behind these walls
Behind the fortress I've built
My past keeps me from trusting
Anything that shines

I have a love for the broken
I know they would never brake another
I know that they are safe
I know they are dependent like me

With you it's like a system shock
You're one giant risk that my mind isn't willing to insure
My heart is leaping and keeping time to a new rhythm
No longer depressed but pleased

You see me in a way I've wanted to see myself
I envy you for that
I want you for that

Turn the handle
Rudimentary
Still I respond this way

Stutter of water
Fear the sound
I respond this way

Water in drops
Water in streams
All I want to do is scream

Close my eyes
Down my back and up my spine
Fearing the water
Fear in the water

Remembering takes me there
Help me, don’t dare…
Help me, don’t dare…

Remembering this place
Fearing his actions
Cleanliness is violation

Bend the story
Lie to myself
I know the problem
I can’t fix it by myself

Can’t speak…
Brought shame…
Feel pain…
I fear…

Can not touch a man
Can not be near you
Can not open how I feel
Can not un-bottle emotions
Can not let you in
Can not let them know

Memories
Break me down
I’ll build me up

Traumatized
Beat me up
I’ll get stronger
I’ll stitch the wound

Learn to forgive
Make me forget

Look at what you’ve done.

What’s your “happily ever after”?
Mine is to see the world with you
I want to see the sky of Egypt
Want to see the lights of Paris
Igloo camping in Alaska
Eating chocolate in Germany

Will you, come with me?
Will you, come with me?

Holding hands and walking the streets
Mostly ***** and a little bit clean
Living day to day and heart to heart
Nothing to our name but pictures and souvenirs
Getting odd jobs just to make it through

Can I, be with you?
Can I, be with you?

Traveling the world and seeing the sights
Still nothing is as pleasing to my eyes
As when I wake up, to see your face

Diamonds mean nothing to me
‘Cause everywhere I go they're in the sky
Name brand clothes don’t mean a thing
‘Cause anything can have a name

You and me, can we be?
You and me, can we be?

I can see us now in the streets of a city
Hand in hand and heart to heart
Mostly ***** and a little bit clean
We may live day to day but our love will live forever

She thinks you light up the sun.
You think she turned on the stars.

She adds beauty to life already grand.
You make her happy in a way she hasn’t been.

She’ll be loyal.
She’ll be loving.
She is broken.
She is learning.

You’ll be funny.
You’ll be musical.
You are different.
You are needed.

She is…
You are…

In love.