stardust and choas
our cups are so full of where we come from
so bright and vast
so destructive and breathing of adventure

expanding collapsing
our own mini histories repeating and refining
until we create something
something bright enough to revolve around

moon scars in my right hand
your royalty in my left
even when you're gone
it feels like you never left

moon scars in my right hand
your hand in mine
even though you've gone
it's like you're with me all the time

the way you make me brave
but yet we're never brave enough
always dancing around the fire
ignited between the two of us

we found three words to replace
the three words we can't yet say
but that embodies the dull ache
that lingers because of our distance

currently content with what we are
though we confide the want of more
the ability to hold and be held
to make new and outshine the old

though our time is nigh
it isn't in the nearest future's nights
so we sit and sigh, lean and lie
waiting for flames to reach new heights

you only come around when you need to lean
and you lean on me with your broken heart
no matter how much i wish i could
i cannot leave you to heal alone

do you tell them all of your love
is it a lie to make me linger
or is it gift to hard for you to give
something you've not really done before

are they your way to **** the time
the way to distract yourself
writing of and for you is mine
a way to remind myself

can you breathe in
can you breathe out
when everything once turned in
becomes completely turned out

can you carry on
without losing what you're worth
gaining value along the way
can you resist the urge to break

i set you free like a good heart should
but you just run to be trapped in someone else
your hand on her back
your steps in time with hers

all i wanted was to share everything with you
ad though you say you want the same
you constantly run away
making these thoughts feel forbidden

when you're in time with her
my name is never on your lips
i just hope that my love still resides in your mind
somewhere hidden from the rest

that when your loyalty isn't the question of heart
that it belongs to mine
that when none of their hearts beckon your name
that you return to mine

so tell me was it my fault
or was it yours

because I said I wasn't sure how to love
didn't think I had ever felt that before
or was it your greedy heart
gluttonous for seconds, thirds and fourths

these attachments to you and your heart
they wring me out and into these thoughts
your interest feels waning and fickle
anything that amuses you seems to steal it away

every heart around you
seems to feel like competition
the best of them and the best of you
bringing out my worst

you're not really mine
my words don't hit your heart quite right
so my mouth fills blood
from biting my tongue

you are always welcome to come find me
not that, to you, I ever was lost
even if you tried to hide
I know just where you reside

I'd knock on the door of my ribcage
from the shelter of my heart you would shout back
"I've gone away, but not astray.
I'm just learning to fight the day."

teeth in the flesh
like toes in the sand
I just never want to let you go

hand on the heart
like a key in a treasure chest
I just want to have all you are

don't run from me
don't run from me

the thought of you is like wild fire
setting alight everything i am
the smoke of poetic inspiration lingers
the fire in my bones a constant reminder

even the ugliest things sound beautiful
when the cadence of you brings them alive
when you inspire their words from my mind
when you pull me from places hard to find

when you hear my words
when you decipher their intention
i wonder what tools you use
i wonder what you will make of me

i hope your eyes see through the same lens
i hope your soul breeds like mine
that my intentions would scare you
that my intentions, in that way, hurt me

worried that my expression are never really mine
worried that once outwardly deciphered they become inwardly lost
though our language is the same our definitions never are
though my hopes remain the same your intentions never change

I’m sorry I let you down
expectations are my life blood
every wound I gave you
return on me it soon should

I just wanted to **** with your mind
because your body was too far away
you never thought I was of that kind
but of my sun, you only saw a ray

I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry
I need a fix tonight
I need a fix tonight

I’m so sorry
dear boy, so sorry
I need a fix today
I seem to have lost my way

i’m not going to make you stop saying
i love you
just don’t attack
when you don’t get one back

its just that he is closer
than you ever will be
even when your distance
becomes his distance

it’s his gravity
that continues to **** me
but you can hold my hand
through this crash landing

you see he is this thing
like a mirror i see myself
that’s enough to make me follow
it would be enough to make me

returning to the point
he is the shine that caught
the magpie of my heart
only to another is my love a form of art

for him i come easy as a breath
isn't this obvious
please take me serious
like a funeral for a death

to the end i will have appreciated your heart
it built me up when i felt so alone
but if you excuse me, please excuse me
you are just a stepping stone

when you see these beautiful tragedies
and you can watch as the cannabalise
on the souls of the minds of our dreams
full of nothing but blood lust and greed

and as it creeps into your life
in the slow transport of demise
if you stop halting time and holding breath
if you just look and breathe it in and let run away with you
the beauty can **** you so slowly that the agony
the agony is a sick pleasure

when the rise and fall of your chest
feels less than endless
when the nearness of end is so blue
it fills your bones with a fire
the fire you searched to set a light through your whole youth

words scraping at the roof of your mouth
"Let me out! Let me out!"
loud enough, they cannot scream
saying things in your mind

things you wish they could hear
things that might fill them with fear

and the way you put it all together
isn't the way it was supposed to fit

and everything you’ve done
and eveything that has been done
is projected on your thoughts of you

what you were at the start is never anything of matter
your middle and end are never like the start

guess i don’t know you
at least not in the ways they all claim to
remember I always understand you
on a level none of them even want to

not to say you’re special
this isn’t about you and yours
but my mind and how I recall
how I perceive not the raw object yet to be seen

eyes cut to your core
your lies were believed but never unseen
compulsively lying about what’s inside
I feel and felt your truths had no place with me

feeling the need to soothe your aches
turn around aching to cause them
this is the price if making you stay
near me but never as mine

You are the only time I need Shepard's advice
Words from a man hate
Helping me over one I thought I loved  

I see your face and it all hits me like a wall
The pain, the ache
Your voice and that phrase  

So one, two
I'll let you consume me
Three, four
I hear my mind closing that door
Five
You are gone from me  
Until next time  

The next time
That you speak my name
The next time
You want to me to be yours
The next time
That you let me down, again  

You are the only time I need Shepard's advice  

So one, two
I'll let you consume me
Three, four
I hear my mind closing that door
Five You are gone from me
You're just gone  

You're just
A boy who thinks he knows what a man is
You're just
A mind too small for that big heart of yours
You're just
Makin' trouble with mine  

You are the only time I need Shepard's advice  

One, two, three, four, five

Yellow lights
Hesitation in my steps
I know the unseen
It's the tangible that perplexes

Red carpets
Unexpected pedestals rising beneath me
Appreciation long overdue
Inspired wonder

Dusted in magic
Track it in this home
***** the floor with your foot steps
Leave you finger prints on these walls

Nothing like where I am
No worries to taunt me
Clouds to catch me
This one in a million life

Let me take your hand
Put yours on the small of my back
I will lead you through the steps
Let me show you how to dance

My music can move your bones
Move with me, move with me

I want you to have it all
I just want you to share it with me
My head rests on your shoulder
Your eyes still on another

My rhythm can heal you soul
Move with me, move with me

I know your reasons
Even when you don't
A broken mind of child
In the charming hands of man

This dance floor is ours
If you could just move with me, move with me

The power in your footsteps
I have this sense of greed
Passion and lust
It's like nature at my feet

I want to rip it from your soul
Darling dearest, let me live inside your skin
Crawling in there
Living in your windows
Pulling on your strings

You're the X on the map
I ache to burn the paper
You're the treasure in the chest
I've long had you spent
You're a beautiful haunting in the shadow of my heart
Until I'm looking
Then you're just heart break without a reality

I can only have you
If you never exist
I can only love you
If you never let me touch you

Like watching the sky weep
You are nature at my feet

Doesn't see through proper eyes
No vision like yours or mine

You look at that boy
See his devilish charm and good looks
Feel the animal attraction boil in the marrow of your bones
Your thoughts like seamless clockwork

She sees that boy
Sees him bloodied and broken
Feels the ache to be the one to brake him
Her thoughts are misfiring like they have countless times before

You see that girl
See her soft skin, hear her laughter
Feel the animal attraction rise within you
Your thoughts a well practice reaction

He sees that girl
Sees her skin peppered in blood, hears her scream
Feels the handle of a knife as if it were already in his hand
His thoughts are violent perversions on repeat

You glow with love
They burn with lust
You ignite their sickness
They consume your life
They devour your death

They talk like you
They think like you
They speak and walk and dream like you
The capabilities of one in the hands of another

All the same, all capable
A choice, an experience
A love, a connection
A betrayl, a lie

Waiting to awaken
Waiting to release

Like a damsel in disguise, she hides within his life
Waiting for a chance, any chance to make her move
She is part of the design, a flower growing on the wall
Not for long

Something will happen, he'll seek her shoulder
Born in him, his love will take her hand
Until then

She waits like a maiden, pretty as a picture
Locked up in a promise, one that he's never even made
To love her and keep her, to choose her in the end
To have and to hold, to love above the rest
He doesn't even know

She longs for the touch of his skin, the way his warmth lingers with her
She ache for the taste of his lips, skilled and soft and tender
She yearns for his charm and his smile, she want to be his heart's target
What she doesn't see yet

He's not in the game for the love, promiscuity is his name
He wants her virtue for a trophy, like a dove in a cage without a door
He wants her just one time, something he's never had before
What will happen

They will play this song and dance, his vices taking her virtue
He will seek her out, a lamb in a den of lions
She will think it 's love, he'll let her believe
He will collect what he came for, she will be alone and broken
And now

Our damsel in disguise, she's vice herself
Another virtue stolen, another night
Her pain perpetuates it'self, a vehicle for heart break

Our noses touch
Our lips are desperately close
In unison we whisper sweet nothings
In unison we shout bitter somethings

As my breath fogs her reflection
As my skin leaves marks on her reflection
I realize the reason I can't love another
Too wrapped up in her

Can't decide whether to embrace her
Keep trying to find out a way to strangle her
Wishing I could step through the mirror
Maybe coexist, maybe trade

She's the voice in my head
She's the biggest demon I can never cage

Walking along an empty street
I'm with you, you're with me
Your jacket keeps me warm
My hand keeps you near

When it's quiet
When we are just on our own
I can feel you there even when I'm awake
Your smile is a fire that keeps me calm
You breath is a lullaby and I can sing along
You touch is beacon and I'm searching

It's when the people come near
It's when the crowds set in
I notice how unnoticed you are
You aren't real

I'm suffocating, there's no air
There's no way for me to be okay
I need to sleep, I need to dream
I need to see you again

Then a reverie washes over me like a tidal wave
You whisper that this is okay
They'd think I was lost, crazy, absurd
You understand, you help me cope
You're how I make it through
You remind me to think
You remind me to breathe

It's when my strongest part falls to pieces
It's when she can't stand to take the beatings
That's when you show up
That's when I can come clean

Someday maybe you'll fade
Just not today
Let me sleep a little longer
Let me dream until this is over

I need someone who can see my broken mask
Who can see the rips and tears and love my vices
Fill these crevices with a magic cure-all

Something that perhaps isn't natural
Something that definately isn't mine
All these parts of me expand and collapse
I'm left broken and yet whole

I am multiples that are whole
I am many trapped within the one

Parts of us hide away in the bottoms of wells
Parts of us play stories that the world wishes us to tell
Because not only would I be to heavy for them to carry
I am to fragile for anyone to see

The weight of a glance is like the fist of man
Instead of pain and bruises
It's humilation and revelation
Each and every rouse layed upon the table
Each little miss represented fact shown as fable

I would be left to face the monster that I am
I already know that the mirror image is not what I long to be
I am a mermaid longing for land
I am a free girl wishing to be trapped

I am everything that I don't want to have
I want someone to wisk it away
I need a captor and a prince

So cold outside, I can see my breath
Hear the rain shatter against the ground
Under my footsteps, a white and muffled sound

Perfect weather for thinking
Perfect weather for promises
Perfect weather for memories

It all will fade away
Like icicles, it all will break
It all will melt away

Nothing ever stays
No he could never stay
No one has ever stayed
It all will melt away

All but these memories and fears
All but these wounds and these tears
They always stay
No they never fade

So why don't you come around
Maybe tomorrow though I pray for today
Show up in my life instead of just in my dreams

It all will fade away
Like icicles, it all will break
It all will melt away

Nothing ever stays
No these dreams can never stay
No he could never stay
It all will melt away

Except for the way I know your love must feel
I know that you have to be real
As you help me breathe, as you help me see
As you lift me off of my feet

So maybe the snow will stay
If it melts the sun can guide my way
You can stay, I always knew that you could
Always knew that you would

Like magma pushing to the surface
Like tectonic plates preparing to shift

Your life is bubbling
Your heart is preparing to tear

He's suicidal and still clinging to old hands
You're a victim and reaching for his heart

He puts your dreams in a jewelry box
You wear them on your left hand

He pushes to share new life
You await to be restricted to his right hand

Your heart will quake to pieces
Making room for lava to spill

The cup does not run over
The cup instead pours out
The cup lies on the table of this world

Brittle and shamelessly broken
Too many leaks to fill up again
Left to remain an arid shell

Once there was such an abundance
Manna was an enduring factor of life
Fueled by the health of the spiritual soul

If spiritual health induces the wellspring of the cup
Is it any wonder that there is nothing to overflow
Let alone anything left to pour

We've forgotten to look with open eyes
Forgotten to dance with mysterious imagination
Forgotten that we were once alive before we were mechanical

The cup remains damaged beyond repair
We must learn to bring up manna from within
To allow our own hearts to be the cup which overflows

Learn to love only that which can return love
Learn to respond with the heart of a child
Learn to constantly reflect with the wisdom of an elder

We must become one with what we are from
We must be aware of where we are
We must be all that we have forgotten and thrown away

Magical and inspiring
All my heart lies in the tips of my fingers

The memories of where they've been
The hearts they've traced
The skins they've ached to dance against

The language in which they speak
A language in which they are fluent
A language that is foreign and ever adaptive

So much sensory intake
So much motor output
All in the most neglected place

Finger tips left neglected
For actions of rushed intentions

All that is needed is to hod my hand
All that is wanted is a warmth
A fire that won't die when the night gets too cold

I don't need the wind through my hair
I don't to be exhausted by emotion
I just need to feel that my heart can still race

I just want a circulatory high
I want something no money can buy
I want the euphoria that no drug can provide

It doesn't hurt, this pain of mine
It feels fine, the ache of walking the line

Scars and fresh wounds, mark temptations indulged
My feet still soft, I haven't been walking long

The curse that I bare is nothing compared
To the the pain I could share
If I were to remain anything but alone

This enduring and dull ache
This constant stabbing in my bones
This constant acidic bur in my veins

How could I give that away?
How could I put that on anyone's shoulders other than my own?

To let this goblet of poison spill into you life
To let it become a river that floods the path you walk

How could I love you and then hurt you like that?
How could I look at you knowing that I'm no better than my past?

So I walk alone, letting temptation wash over me
In the form shackled comfort, a reminder of why I must stay

Sometimes I start to shake
For no reason, no reasons
Sometimes I want to scream
For no reason, no reasons

Always I want the hands that hurt me
For some reason, some reason
Everyday I wish she would take over
For this reason, for these reasons

One wolf to another
I crave fear, I live on it
Decisions are made based on it
If I can't feel the rush of anxiety
Then I can't feel anything at all

Fear is like the catalyst to it all
It's like the prism
Through which I can respond to
The many lights of the world

Nothing is scarier than you
If you mean all that you say
I'm already feeling the symptoms of fear
How can I not?

How is a candle to react
When it's whole life has been lived in darkness
When it finally sees another
The flame burns a new color
The flame burns with the same intensity

Suspicion would be natural
Caution would be instinctual
But what about jealousy
An aching so primal to ***** out
The flame from it's own wick
Just so it can share this new foreign flame

What if it feels like if I were to execute myself
To be alive in this new thing
That as soon as I saw all that I am
Once I saw my demons rush at me
No longer held back be a soul on fire
You would either rush me along side them
Perhaps you would just run away
Maybe I'd even run

More than anything
This wolf in front of you
Emaciated and caught in traps too many to count
Is terrified to the point of psychosis
That she will bite
That she will wound fatally

It's the lack of everything that fuels her
What if one less leak makes the water rush in faster
What if the insanity of loneness
Is a cake walk compared to the hot mess that you inspire

I lay here so silently next to you
As I watch the simple beauty of your sleep
My heart keeps my eyes open

Your hair is in danger of being tucked behind your ear
My lips ache to violate your own
Your body which is mine by association
Yet all together foreign seems to beg to be trespassed

Your eyes open
Reading books behind my own
As the inspiration of your breath writes them

My heart calms
My eyes had been closed all along
To open them

To find my heart as empty
My heart as dark
My heart as cold
As deep space

To find it full of similar
Abilities to combust with creation
Yearnings to offer infinite beauties
Available to anyone who would just look

Their hearts will break
Their skin and bones will break
Their hearts will grow fonder
Their skin and bones will heal

Their minds are yet more fragile
What happens in youth may pass
What is learned in youth may be forgotten

What is is hurt in youth may never forget
The pain of the memory of the wound
The scars they gain will never fade
Will always remain as permanent
Forget-me-not reminders

Love them while you can
Never raise a harmful hand
Show them how to change the world

How to rise above
How to stand up

To stand up tall
To stand up tall

Because their hearts will break
Their skin and bones will break
Their hearts will grow ever more fond
Their skin and bones will heal the world of sorrow

Yet still the mind is more fragile

This is why I'm up this late
This is why I wait

Connections that can only be made
After the sun sets
Before the sun can rise

While the sky is a pink blackish orange
I will reminisce about music
I will lament about hugs and whispers
I will wish for the roots I had before I had change

You will laugh
You will inspire wonder
You will wish for change while you still have roots
While the sky is a pink blackish orange

Sing me to sleep
With gentle soul inspired lullabies
With warm phrases that sound like your smile

Beautiful and inextinguishable
Even if I can't hear your voice
I'll feel the breathy ghosts of your words
Against my skin
A soothing reminder that you are still here
When I close my eyes

Sometimes it feels like this life fades away
When I close my eyes
Just like the illusions fade away when I wake

How can you be sure
Can I be sure
Which reality is a dream
Which one lulls me to sleep
Which one beckons for me to awake

Your breathy lullabies contradict it all
Because when I awake I'm in a dream
One in which I never want to wake
Because when I dream I only want to wake
To find you humming lazy perfections
Full of lukewarm undecided inhibitions
And love

I will take more than just your heart
More than just your heart is bleeding
More than just your soul is missing
I will have taken it all from you

I will drain you
I will drain you
I will make you gone

I will use you to fuel the fire of my sin
Sacrifice you like Messiah for I what I breed within
No matter how much death flows atop this alter
None can ever be enough

Thought I was different, thought I was just like the rest
Thought I was wiser, thought I was foolish like the rest
Thought I was something else, thought I was never who I was
Never could I be who I am
Had to be who you are

Too soon you will be what I am
A literal canvas of what lies hidden in my mind
Bare of the skin that protects you from the evil of this world
Blinded by a fire willing to set you alive
Lacerated with the sword meant to protect you

Pain taunts at me with tantric abandon
As the seams of my mind burst apart
The sight of you is the sight of me and I am ashamed

Easily tempted when tired
All the things that tick and spin within
Begin to motivate more than they should
Begin to surface and control more than I should allow

All the lust
For a flesh not my own
All the hunger for another

All the urges
To fight against anything
That isn't an internal demon
All the rage

I need to wake up
I feel the need to shake things up
In the unhealthiest of ways

As my cups are drained
Emotionally and spiritually
Physically and mentally

I feel the warmth of a hand
I feel the craving for a hand
I know better than to accept its touch
I know I should be repulsed

I feel fire burning in my skin
I hear an internally primal chant
"Fight her, fight him, fight them all..."

I can feel what must be an aching
To hear them brake under my hands
To see them crumple in the wake of my capabilities

I'm happy to hurt you
with violence that I mean
I promise the pain
is not what I intend

I'm just a little unhinged
in all the worst ways
my doors are wide open

My windows are shattered
I can't control these drafts of thought
as they flow in
as they flow out

I wanna pull us down
make it so you could never leave me
so that you never could

Why would I ever let you go
around you I am finally myself
maybe i should become someone else

I want to change
but I won't
I really want to believe
but I just can't
I want to love you like I should
but I'm broken

I need another fire
Something larger than my own
Something more distracting

I'm waiting to find a second fire that doesn't burn
A fire that consumes but does no harm
I've found one but he's heaven bound
Give me flame in the flesh
Give me something tangable to cling to

Give me something to count on
Something that I can smile about genuinely
Something consistant and true

I need a solid rock
I need humanity and hope
Another half the strengthen who I am
Someone who knows and understands

Who listens but doesn't sympathize
Who won't take advantage even though I'd let him
Who cares but doesn't sugar coat
Who enjoys life and all it brings

I'm hoping to find him soon
Sometimes I think he's already here
I'm ready and waiting

The broken road I'm on
Is worth every stumble and scraped knee
If when I'm done you are the blessing I find

Drifting chalk outlines
They follow me
Reminders of where you aren’t

You aren’t lounging on my couch
You aren’t wasting your time with me
You aren’t dreaming your dreams
Against my pillow at night and into the morning

Crime scene tape around my heart
The love police come and ask
“What is missing?”
All I can say is
“He took it all…”

Your eyes aren’t here
I cannot drown in them
Your hands aren’t here
I cannot hold them
Your lips aren’t here
I cannot taste the secrets
That surely lay upon them

Secrets of life
Secrets trust, pain and love
Could you have left those behind
When you made off with your perfect crime
Not even a fingerprint to find you by

Talking about the past is hard,
But I'm an open book.

When, with beyond your eyes,
You begin to see.
Still will I encourage you to truly look.

I invite you to be our tour guide.
For a book is not an author.
For a book is not a reader.

Do not take these stories for granted,
As open books are often read.
Pages left weathered and worn.
Pages brittle and breaking.

Do not be too cautious.
Stories only exist if you read them.
Treasures only shine when you find them.

Read between my lines.
Read the notes left in my margins,
Where previous readers wrote from their hearts,
Where many of them wrote from their mind,
Where few of them wrote from the soul.

When it comes to pasts,
If I show you mine,
Promise to show me yours.
Discovery was never a chore.

I am a simple girl.
A wooden doll,
sometimes made of stone.

When the waters rise,
I should float,
instead I turn to stone.

Further down I go.
Heavy and sinking,
I am concrete,
I cannot think.

Made of wood again.
When you push me I creak,
when you touch me I speak.

Left alone to weather the storm,
eventually I decay.
Left alone.
After time passes me by,
soon I will petrify.

My edges softened by river waters,
until only the best of me remains.
Now I wish I could remember,
what you always say.
I wish that I had the will,
to float away.
I wish I could be everything,
that you see in me.

I met another brick wall today.
Don't prepare for the usual.
We're going at this the old fashioned way.
Guard down, no expectations and lots of faith.

I know in the I have messed up in the past.
I meet these walls and I never stop.
I just run full speed and crash.
Backing up and going at it again head first.
Never stopping until my heart is broken.
My mind always goes first.

This time I will walk.
I will take time to count the bricks.
Take time to notice their color.
To notice what holds them together.

No reason for anymore pluralities.
Unless, of course, they're positive.
No need to brake my mind.
No need for anything short of expansion.

I can feel your breath on my skin
I can feel your eyes on my soul
I can feel your hands turning my pages

Turning the pages of a tragic story
Spin me a lie or tell me the truth
Just say you’ll never leave
Say that you will be there to pull me through

Another liar is another night
If you spin a web for me I will gladly get stuck
I need to think that someone one wants me
Someone has me and will never let go

I want truth that I’ll know when I hear it
No hesitation and your eyes will crease in smiles
No need to hide because I will understand
No need to lie because you want this too

I want to see your soul in your eyes
I want to hear you live your life
I want to know you in more than a dream
I want to have more than possibilities
More than a maybe and a might have been

Someday you will understand
Someday I will meet you and there it will end
There it will begin and there we start

You're on all their lips
Dancing like fire
All their lips but mine

Haven't seen you in a month
Haven't gone a day without missing you

I sure as hell don't love you
I don't even think I like you
I miss you though

I hate hearing about you second hand
I don't even get to know you anymore?
How does that even seem fair?

I have a right to know you
At least I feel like I do
And really, shouldn't that be enough?

Calming myself before bed
Quieting the voices in my head

All the pieces of myself screaming
Until they blend from the harsh black and white
Into a acceptable shade of grey

A silent color that gives me relief
A confusing color that bring me uncertainty

I wanna remove the skin
From your cranium
I wanna smash the bone
Of your skull
I wanna poke around
In your brain

I want a piece of you
That you will never have back
Not after tonight
Give me your life

I gave you mine
Against my will
I have embraced this anger
The anger you birthed in me

I wanna tear apart
Your mind
I wanna dance
In the fire of your soul
I wanna scream
As you burn alive

I have this tingling up my spine
This voice that pleads at me daily
This nagging that won't subside

I hurt myself
Saving you from a hell you created
I'd rather hurt you
Showing you what you deserve

I've made a beast out of myself
Caging things to enjoy the craving
Giving into one sin to make another subside

My hypocrisy sickens me
Yet I revel in it like a fine wine
In the fact that I can do this to myself
In the fact that this can be done to me
In the fact that I hide it so well that no one ever has a clue

I feel myself cracking down the center
Only half of myself can stand to hold back anymore
Only half of me is becoming smaller
Becoming nonexistent and loving it

Our contact is less
Making these voices rush on me like waves
Your face brings the images
Your voice brings the motive
Your actions bring the pain

You are the cactus I cling to
You are the thorn beneath my skin
You are the wound that I let fester
You are the cancer spreading within

Like the warmth of summer with out the burn.
Like the comfort of winter without the chill.
My comfort zone.
Everything I regret not demanding.
My safety line that catches me when I fall.
All I can think about in times of need.

His voice and his laugh bring me home.
I love hearing his smile.
When he's talking about his music you can hear his future.
You can hear what he thinks life is.
He's just a boy again, forgotten are all his mistakes, all his sins are gone.

No one compares to him.
No one can take over his memory.
No one takes me where he can.
No one can bring a smile to my face like he can.

No one else is him.
No one else has that part of me.