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Catherine Edgar Aug 2010
The shadows dividing yesterdays fell down upon today,
from happiness to sadness, against each they do betray.
Borrowed free will, low on spirit isn’t enough to take me through,
careless past was dancing in freedom if only today was too.
Ever reaching for a childhood I hold on so **** tight
to the hopes that wrapped up those fears and got me through the night.
But there’s nothing left to reach for just a stilted grown up reaction,
where multiple masks hide the facts so I lose myself in that distraction.
Too many rhymes to purge the pain and maybe set disenchantment free,
to arrive today, sight still blurred but not buried by debris.
Remembering simple illusions bonded with post traumatic stress,
provoked contradictory reactions when untangling the mess.
To rewind the clock and polish the dust wont take me to contentment,
just cut me open and deepen the wounds then bring me more resentment!
Decaying memories, twisted by time prey on any random second,
that sometimes even looking back doesn’t need to be beckoned.
Still, I look behind in the hope that I can breathe in just the thought,
at the wreckage of my time so far and all the battles that I fought.
Take some answers from the past and tie them with tomorrow,
to create a new chapter of equilibrium where I never need to borrow.
But I know myself and how I play, I need the black to colour the white,
the sorrow always grounds my smiles and  I can revel in the fight.
I write it all regardless of pain or which one is the lethal dose,
timeless in my quest to destiny, I’ll spend it chasing ghosts.
© Catherine Edgar, 2010
Catherine Edgar Aug 2010
Frozen in the darkness silence peacefully shrouds me
hoping that I am breathless, praying he wont see,
this sublime sorrow I am gasping in the pain
swallowing bitter tears seconds from insane.
Defining the emotion each and every time
trying not to echo, balancing on the line,
silence is a killer but not my reason to die
hearing in this deafness will always make me cry.
The shadows over take me, speak the unspoken curse
just as well I am dying can't bear to smell this hearse.
Weighed down by lost tomorrows my memory finally broke,
why is it always my own hands gripped to make me choke?
His hug comforts my stomach blindly in his sleep
not knowing in this darkness my eyes can't help but weep,
obscurity plays around me tries to steal my breath
every time I close my eyes I know I’m close to death.
Panic underestimates the power the black withholds
carving me so gently, painless as it moulds
I sweat out my reaction cause words can't find a voice,
helplessly devoted to lay I have no choice.
Everything suffocates can't bear to close my eyes
repeated optimism as I see how everyone dies,
my mind is there to haunt me it never gives me peace
all the pills digested at will, still wont make it cease.
Night is a blur now confused by chemical reaction
convulsions rage as death excels performing its extraction,
in the mix I see his face traumatised by my choice, it's made
but time has gone his actions futile as sight begins to fade,
regret stabs flesh repentantly too late to change effect
I know he’ll cry forever at his failure to correct.
My selfish, vengeful actions will speak louder than my word
he never seen the suicide…do you think he finally heard?
© Catherine Edgar, 2010
Catherine Edgar Aug 2010
I feel the air catch my sigh and wrap it in a breath
hollowed lungs, retching tight, sinking into death.
Around, all around, the mourners gather each to pay a due
this lifeless corpse, unreceptive it’s all compensation for you.
I kneel to break your fall but your body breaks my ghost
outside my shell, I lose my breath and wait to raise my host.
My dread grows fast as each word falls, blindly upon steel lips
your kiss dissolves into that flesh yet I feel your fingertips
comfort my hand, take the pain and wish it on to you
as my mother's child, you’d take my death and gladly keep it too.
Tears drown the skin that wrinkles hard, to crush them into rivers
your broken heart echoes so loud that walls cower in shivers.
Suffocating pain engulfs time, ignoring the space
wailing spectators outclassed by you, your never-ending grace
warms my heart or what this is now, you always made me safe and sound
as this heavy air chokes your breath I gently revolve around.
Your broken body, silent stare, somehow you’re dying too
I raise my arms to stroke your face and you feel that I’m with you,
those eyes warm up as tears draw the pain away from your shattered heart
I give my love and everything I have to ease as I depart.
You gave me a life unconditional and endless love to guide the way,
in this touch I know you sense all those words, in my ghost that I can't say
your body’s tender as you take a breath in that moment I’m right here,
the body you held was just a vessel, you feel there is nothing to fear.
No need to speak for I am you and all you ever gave
my final kiss steals a gasp but it’s ok, you laugh, be brave.
Your smile lit the way for my life and returns to ease my death
‘I love you’ sings from your lips through a trembling, difficult breath
I sing it back as I take my place on the breeze of finality
I’ll be here with you until you are ready, I knew this was to be.

*Keep the faith.
© Catherine Edgar, 2010
Catherine Edgar Aug 2010
Foolish fantasies keep believing that time will bring you here,
say a word
it’s all I need to hear to phase out all the fear.
Each long seconds passing takes me further underground,
into the lines you left unfilled, a violent empty sound.
You knew that endless silence would punish me more than death,
revising passages of our story helps me catch my breath.
I know you lost clear reason so all your bricks fell down,
it’s still no justification to lose me in vacant sound.
I guess I’m lost in sight somehow or else you would be home,
but that’s too easy, you’re there in time while forgetting me alone.
I hate that it’s so beautiful, I wish I wrote your curse,
a silent duty on chemical retort , bloodied torture wouldn’t be worse.
I don’t know the goal or what you hope to do, it’s hard for me to say,
it’s certain though I wont last long carrying on this way.
Your silence burns inside me as this ink bursts into flames
while I read the books so quickly to try to extinguish blame,
but still I’m left to smoulder because you’re too disgraced to care,
I suffer alone among these words as there’s no-one else there.
Will you accept responsibility when I finally finish it all?
Or refuse to acknowledge your punishment was the thing that made me fall,
you’ll stay among the shadows and live on in this façade,
our family will see the truth when the smoke does finally fade.
I am running out of chapters, though I know it will never mend
I guess it will be my turn soon we are all just a story in the end.
© Catherine Edgar, 2010
Catherine Edgar Aug 2010
My perception’s honest
as instantly you appear
in this forgotten memory
time’s not wasted on fear.

Embrace is still too early
yet to hug is far too late
for if time has taught me wisely
I know it will never wait.

Regrets seem obsolete
when I see your face
so many wasted hours
just to find this place.
Your eyes tired of worry
and your face lets wrinkles leave,
there’s no meaning to this chance
even now nothing to achieve.

Acceptance is too gentle
relief is far too strong
just somewhere in the middle
is right where we belong,
it's a welcome palpitation
that’s gone before you know,
seconds stand like hours
with not a thing to show.

A touch could spark a heartbeat,
bring life back to this soul
if I had one to begin with
you could definitely fill this hole.

But unconditional became conditional
too many echoes to excuse,
yet to judge you on that is past love
so old friend I must refuse,
the odds of meeting you here
were really a trillion to one,
it's funny you think something’s ended
to find it has only begun.

Thirty seconds to solve a riddle
this was never meant for you
I cant explain the feeling
but I know you feel it too,
left to smile together
still a million miles apart
sensing words I cant articulate
I know I wont allow to start.

A smile is all I offer
unsentimental in my grace
it's ok inside though
I always knew my place,
but that’s another lifetime
this one is simply on loan
time is yet my teacher
I‘m still a rolling stone.
In place of greater meaning
detached and self-assured
in the space of thirty seconds
I do believe that I am cured.

*Severed ties…
© Catherine Edgar, 2010

— The End —