// too many ideas
   &     not being able to think of
only one to do //

in the shower
         turning up the hot tap
      sigh, it's still cold
turns the hot tap up more
                 discovers it's as high as it goes
                                   turns cold tap down
still not hot enough
still too cold
still warming up
still need you
still cold without you
still needing your warmth

mothers know when their children
       are in pain
                   or if something is wrong
     even something significant
if that
             is so true
                                            why

           ­          don't you hear, or know
                                     that i cry every. night.
                     that i'm not sleeping well
       that i feel too sick to eat
               that i'm hurting all the time
                                   that i don't want to move from bed
                that i've acquired new scars
                                            that i'm in love

                                         why don't you know?
         or
                            do you know, and not care?

                                  its said that
                          mothers know when their
                                                children are in pain
                     or if something has changed
                                                 significant or not

.... do you know?

its polite to say
         "how are you?"
                  and it's presumed
that you're "okay" or "good, thanks"
     so thats what i say
for convenience
"how are you?"
         "i'm good, thank-you"

                         but
what i want to say is;
                        "alive, unfortunately"

...

You're sixteen years old, and you know
                                             how to write an essay in under an hour. You know
           how many paragraphs you will need, and what part of a text you need to
                  rip apart,
                                        just so you can
                                put it back together like you want (need) it to be.


                             You've been alive for sixteen years and
                                                         you've smoked everything your parents
                                      told you not to,
                                                                ­       you've felt the ache in your lungs and
                                                                ­                 the burn at the back of your throat,
                                                         ­                                            you've woken up in pain and felt regret
                                                          ­                                    and you've made it passed that (mostly).


       You're sixteen years old and you know why half the world
                 is starving, but you don't know why you're not
        allowed to give them food, you don't know why
                                           your parents wont let you race
                                   across the world to (attempt to) save a starving child.


                                                   You've been alive for sixteen years and you know
     what it feels like to be left at the supermarket while your mother
                                rushes of to get 'another type of pasta'
             or 'just one more piece of fruit',
                                                      you learnt (learning) pretty early
                                      what being alone
                                                                ­     felt like.


                                                         ­                   You're sixteen years old and you've memorized
                           more songs than you probably should have
                                                                ­                                          and you fell in love
                              with the idea of love before
                                     you had even truly
                                                  felt it for yourself. One day, you promise,
                       you will escape (be at peace with) this body
                                                                ­                       you have been so unwillingly trapped in,
                                                                ­             you will visit cities you didn't even know existed
                                                        and watching sunrises with a stranger that you love,
                                  you will tear them apart,
                                                          ­                     pin them down,
                     forcing your love into their dying lungs.