I went from strong to weak; my body broke down
I never functioned after i had fallen
But i fell mentally, not physically
And i broke a thousand pieces within me
I failed myself physically; because i harmed what was already hurt
And i bruised what was already visible
I had shattered what was already broken
And i hid what was already lost
When my body broke, i had lost the strength to continue;
and so when i fell, i had lost the ability walk
When my mind collapsed, everything collapsed, so i became broken into pieces & shattered into slivers
I couldnt put myself back together
Only my mind has the ability to fix me
But it wont
I became lost, and confused
Tired, and abused
I became worthless, and used
Thrown, and reused
I wanted revenge, but i couldnt
I asked my mind to set me free, but it wouldnt

I see everything, but my eyes are closed
I hear every rumour, but my ears are plugged
I screamed really loud, but my lungs are collapsed
I breathed every breath, but my heart had stopped
I felt every touch, but i was so numb

My eyes had opened, and i saw only darkness
My ears were unplugged, and i only heard white noise
My lungs were healed, but i was unable to speak
My heart began pumping, but i couldnt breathe
My body had feeling, but i felt nothing

When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

Putting my brain to work,
I think it all out.
This mood has been going on for such a long time.
So much anxiety all at once.
So much anger all at once.
Slowly,
I just want to get all this buildup out,
Thats stuck inside of me.
I need to be free.
The sounds of music,
The sad songs are played.
Its minor,
To loosen everything up.
The silence within me;
My mind throws everything in my face,
So I can be reminded of all the pain.
The clear glass of alcohol,
I drink it all away.
The sharp razor of the knife,
I bleed it all away.
My eyes meet the photos of the past;
I continue to stare deep inside the portraits of happiness.
The mirror pulls me to have a conversation.
Im hypnotized without a sound to have eye contact,
With the stranger on the wall.
My mind;
I have no control.
My body;
Im being forced.
My soul;
I make myself invisible.
Trapped;
My mind is forcing me to put my life on hold.
Trapped;
My body takes the beatings.
Trapped;
My soul disappears from it all.
All at once,
Im trapped.
My tears break the silence.

‎4 years ago today, we were all gathered together
4 years ago today, we were all losing our minds
4 years ago today, the doctor couldnt lie
4 years ago today, we knew we were going to cry
4 years ago today, we saw you suffering
4 years ago today, you had your last sight
4 years ago today, you had your last movement
4 years ago today, you had your last hearing
4 years ago today, you had your last breath
4 years ago today, all our tears were coming down hard
4 years ago today we knew god was whispering "come with me"
4 years ago today we had no choice but to say goodbye
4 years ago today, god took you to his kingdom
4 years ago today, we knew you were the new queen of angels    
4 years ago today, is the anniversary of your death
4 years ago today, is the day i will never forget
4 years ago today, is the day i cry the most
4 years ago today, is the day i visit your place
4 years ago today, next year is another hard day