Its a mixture of emotions
Emotions that wont change
I still wonder why i continued to be insane
Where i stand,
Is the same spot i began with
I cannot erase my footprints if they were always mistakes i didnt change
I wanted to bury my hurts, my scars, and the memories
I wanted to close the doors, the windows, and lights
I wanted to erase the images, the words, and the time
I wanted start over but i strength already died
I didnt know that i was still struggling
I didnt know that i was still weak
I didnt know that i finally lost it all
I didnt know how to speak
I didnt know i still had to fight
I didnt know i was still had to bleed
I didnt know i still had to take pain
I didnt know how to breathe
Some days im fine
But then it all turns on me
I cant see if im blinded by negativity
I cant even breathe if i choke on all the pain
I still think,
And then i worry
I still worry,
And then i get anxiety
I get anxious,
Then i feel the anger
I get angry,
Then i feel the depression
I get depressed,
Then i cry
I feel the tears,
But i dont know why

Everything i chewed,
And everything i swallowed,
Didn't stay inside my system because it made me so nauseous
I choked on the flashbacks that strangled my throat
I choked on the memories that i just couldnt throw
But then i threw up everything except my memories and hurts
I wanted to fight it
But i had to hold on
I had to just rescue myself from being under
I just wanted to breathe it all in;
Take what i wasnt allowed to have
I stole my freedom, then locked myself away
I stole my strength that wasnt allowed to stay
I tried to get rid of my weakness but i swallowed fear
I tried to get rid of my nightmares but they would always appear
My mind breathes while my body shuts down
My mind breathes while i fall to the ground
I wanted to replace everything that harmed me
But then that means i would replace my soul, spirit and body

I still remember all the fun
Those times that i didnt know how to worry
I still remember being quiet
Those times that i wouldnt bother anybody
I still remember the excitement
I still remember the games
I still remember the happiness
Positivity was always the same
I will remember the changes
I will remember the words
I will remember the confusion
I will remember the sudden anger
I will remember the distance
I will remember the screams
I will remember being lost
I will remember how i suddenly couldnt see
Always thinking what i could have done
Always thinking what i could have said
Always thinking how to go back
Always thinking; then i cried in my bed
Always thinking not to fail
Always thinking not to be scared
Always thinking not hide
Always thinking to be prepared
I wont forget how i started to bleed
I wont forget how i couldnt speak
I wont forget how i fell to me knees
I wont forget how i couldnt breathe
I wont forget that i picked up the knife
I wont forget that i ignored the people who cared
I wont forget that i slipped away
I wont forget that i smelled poison air
I will never forget my mistakes
I will never forget my regrets
I will never forget what i have done
I will never forget who left
I will never forget what is now scarred
I will never forget what i could have changed
I will never forget that i went too far
I will never forget all the shame

Its all coming back
And i want it to stop
Nothing is working;
I thought this therapy was working
The therapy that i created to achieve a strength that is now fading away
Im feeling sick
Im feeling weak
Im feeling pained
And i cannot breathe
Im scared again
My fears have returned
Im scared again
My anxiety never learned
Im back to square one,
How it never made sense
I couldnt round off the edges into a circle
When i finally made that circle, i was in the middle and then i spun
Again it never stopped
Now the shape im in is pointed
I feel the thorns dig into my skin
I feel weak
I feel i cant feel
I feel numb
I feel i cant speak
I feel stiff
I feel i cant walk
I feel dizzy
I feel i cant breathe
I feel frozen
I feel i cant think
I feel pain
I feel im bleeding all over again

The darkness feels like its early
The darkness was always my alarm
Irritable disturbances awake me
My fears grow close to harm
Eyes wide open
Body so weak
Skin so hot
Uncomfortable to go back to sleep
Its too quiet
But my breathing is loud
My mind is restless
But my body wants to be down
My memories are coming back
Im starting this darkness game again
Emotionally drained as i try to lay down
My heart is pounding to tire out my brain
I cant force my eyes because they wont stay shut
I cant force the darkness to leave
I cant force the worries out of my head
I cant force my body to sleep
Thoughts running fast right through my head
Anxiety stops me as i try to go to bed
Time is ticking while i try to waste it all
My patients are running as i try to take control
My anger rises; irritated with fear
My sadness lowers me; i cannot control these nightmares
The darkness is leaving; havent rested yet
The morning is approaching; as i continue awake in bed

Suddenly hit from inside my body;
My heart pounds hard
It bangs on the walls of my skin;
It bangs on my lungs while i try to breathe slower
The vibration makes my blood boil
Then my veins are shaken up
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot control my lungs
I cannot control my heart
I cannot control anything at all
Its so hard to breathe when the fighting is difficult
Im fighting to stay calm
Im fighting to bring back my strength
But all i feel is weakness
All i feel is pain
Breathing without air;
I choke
Speaking without a voice;
Im silenced
Hyperventilation has lead me to dizziness
Im feeling numbness within my body
Screaming has lead me to harm my throat
Im feeling limited on what i have to express
I cant move
I cant think
I cant rely on myself anymore for anything
I cant see
I cant hear
I cant make nightmares disappear
I cant speak
I cant breathe
I cant get rid of my fears that are inside of me

I felt like i was squeezed;
Like my body was ******* itself into my bones
I felt like i was choking
Like my vocal cords had been snapped from the impact within my soul
I felt like i was weak;
Like my legs just collapsed over my feet
I felt like i was numb;
Like my skin went into a deep sleep
I felt like i couldnt move;
Like my bones turned brittle from the weakness from the cold
I felt like i was dizzy;
Like my head was spinning me around into circles
I felt like i couldnt focus;
Like my eyes kept going blurry
I felt like i couldnt hear;
Like my ears took everything in as being staticky
I felt like i couldnt breathe;
Like my lungs had been broken and my heart stopped suddenly
I felt like i could speak;
That my air had pronounced as being anxiety