I was living normal, when there was happiness inside my body
I never thought to plan for a future that would be ruined from someone closest to me…
Not a stranger, Not a neighbour, Not a friend, Not a family member;
But myself.
My brain stopped working
So my mind stopped protecting me
I lost the shield that stayed in front of me
So I became shattered
I couldn’t pick up the pieces to make myself whole again
And that’s when it all started to happen;
All this anger,All this anxiety, All these moodswings
It was like a new world; one that I created
I had to figure out the path to normality
but I couldn’t
All these wires attacked to the pieces, became black
And those pieces grew dark;
Too dark for me to put back together
The past became my nightmares
And the regrets became my fears
I trapped myself with the new me
I didn’t recognize myself anymore

I felt like my own mind took the life out of me
I had years of empty responses about who I was
I couldn’t think of who was hidden, and who was found
The times that I was out of control felt like I was being taken over by a demon
I wanted freedom from myself
Uncontrollable thoughts & actions are the reason my confusion began
The darkness surrounded me, stole all the light inside of me
The strength that I had suddenly disappeared,
I couldn’t handle myself, and I became weak
With these outbursts, and intense emotions,
I lost myself
And now all my wires have been cut
I was forced to start all over
But not normal; but insane
I figured out that I rewired my brain,
Then memorized the pain.
I became numb,
And never saw myself again

Missing something so much I want it back;
Selfishness took over in the nicest way, but in the cruelest way.
The grip my hands slipped away years ago,
and I learned to grip onto dangerous things to make me survive through the darkness
The darkness of my fears, nightmares, and anxiety
Missing to be sane so much I need it back;
Selfishness took over in a way that I became cruel
I slipped away from the dangerous things,
but then I didn’t survive through the light
Something wasn’t missed;
Someone was missed
Hidden somewhere deep inside my body, till this day I can’t get her out
My voice was heard, but not listened to
I screamed at the mirror; only to be shattered
I never made friends with the one person that was supposed to be important
I only used my body as a canvas,
painting only with red paint from a liquid that was waiting to be released from under my skin
I created all the cuts, and all the scars
I bandaged if all up with distractions to make me believe I was ok
But after I created a puddle full of tears,
I drowned in my own mistakes

When one bad word, turns into one bad day,
Happiness remains under pressure until the sun goes away
My mind trained me to stay mad at the world
My mind trained me to show weakness on my emotions

I’m his personal entertainment when he studies my every move
When I’m arguing, he walks away
When I ignore, he makes me speak
When I’m screaming, he quiets me
When I’m crying, he catches my tears
I try to fight all my emotions at once
I was draining the calmness that was once inside my head
I wanted everything to stop because I couldn’t breathe
I was looking for a new way to calm my anxiety
I pushed away, trying to fight my own demons
Then I felt his hands pull me in to stop all that darkness
I was angry, but wanted what he was already thinking
My uncontrollable moods make him take advantage
to the fact that he finds my weakness
My frustrations makes him gather thoughts to make me undress

My skin shivered until it was covered with his hands, mouth, and tongue
I was already weak, while he was strong
My breathing is already fast; I’m hyperventilating before his waist meets mine
My neck was hot before he pressed his lips on my skin
Then I was held down
The force was inviting so I have in
I was still out of control with my mixed emotions that was making me crazy
He grew stronger watching my anger slowly leaving me
His mouth discoloured my neck and made it hard to breathe
The saliva on his tongue assisted in moving my body

The anger inside me was getting weak to the point I was calm
I gave up being out of control, then he took over
The emotions that controlled me, grew weaker, as his aggression grew stronger
All his whispers made me breathe harder
All his promises made my heart beat faster
I stopped fighting him because I lost
The final whisper made my anger stop
That whisper below the waist,
pulled his pelvis in my space
**** those pills that tame my mind;
The only pill that works,
Is his body all over mine

The questions I have been asking myself for years, still haven’t been answered.
I pushed myself behind the walls that I built,
Closed the door,
and locked myself in.
I was ignored after the key got thrown away, and then I never saw myself again
I became lose inside the mirror, but then it shattered into so many pieces
I bled trying to put together the hardest puzzle made out of glass;
The one I made when I broke myself from staring into a mirror that was once together
My mind trained myself to break; forgot who I was,
And turned into a new person that started a dark, unknown world
Even with so many people around, I forced myself to be alone
The walls I built, had no windows
I couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe
The redness of my heart had turned black; matching my walls
And the only stars I saw were the ones made out of tears
Inside my head, my mind trained me to become scared of being sane.

I took a break from that sugarless candy,
The one that makes my mind sane
I was calm but triggered at the same time so it was time for me to quit
It happened, that I broke down again
A mental breakdown that was at its worst
My uncontrollable emotions made me scream like I learned a new tone
My body wouldn’t stop moving from the demands my brain was signalling between my bones
My heart felt all the abuse
And my whole body was breaking
I felt like something took over me, I was a different person
Out of control and crazy; my actions came before thinking
I felt like all these years my mind came back with revenge from being tamed
It was like I had all the symptoms starting from the beginning as if I was clueless;
Back to square one, where I didn’t recognize who I was anymore

The anxiety was too intense
My chest was too tight; with cramping
Then I forgot how to breathe
I was out of control with every small trigger
The darkness mind had woken, though I thought it was dead
Only sleeping, waiting for an opportunity that always was waiting for me to give up once again
My screams made me deaf
My actions made me scared
I had days that I was unmedicated
And those days were the best I’ve ever had;
loving the symptoms of a broken, crazy person

After some time, my mind cooperated after I broke
I took the pill again, but at a higher dose
It created another problem, that I had absolutely no control
The anxiety was at its worse once I began taking the pill
Felt like it was doing more harm; I wanted to feel normal without those milligrams
I felt my heart beat at its fastest
And then my chest started cramping all over again
I felt so sick to my stomach;
Enough that food was forbidden; to stop eating
A few days, my body was empty
Anxiety was in control; demanding my body go unnourished
I saw nothing but evil
That’s when I wanted to break each mirror I looked in
Cause deep down I couldn’t save myself all over again
Deep down I didn’t want to save myself and make the darkness end
I hated the dizziness, while I loved it
The feeling of being drunk, but I never had a sip
I endured a great weakness inside
Physically I felt something that I was forced to hide
I looked at my face, my skin, and body
I looked at my tears; the salted water that had me drowning

I was going back to how I was;
The silent stranger that he once helped me escape from
This is round two of a dangerous breakdown
He came to my rescue again from all my demons
It was the exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful

I had my days of emptiness;
Those moments of anger & anxiety
I had my hours of darkness;
Those moments of loneliness & fear
I had my minutes of sadness;
Those moments of drowning in my tears
I had my seconds of moodswings;
Those moments when I lost all control

I was at my highest of losing control, my body became so exhausted
Like a toddler having a tantrum, I didn’t care who I disturbed, who I hurt, how I sounded, and how I looked
My heart made an entrance; but weak
It finally warmed me up, but I still wasn’t free
With the lack of food, It was hard to laugh; so my muscles were weak
My chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe
As I tried to speak, it was an unrecognizable hoarseness from the screams that took over my vocal chords
I knew my body was weak
I knew my mind failed me all over again
The exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful
I did it one last time just to feel the pain from the inside out
I suddenly had a calm breath that stopped me
Then I finally realized, this shouldn’t be me

He whispered in my ear to get my glass ready;
And get my hourglass figure prepared
He bought me a liquid that he can watch inside of me; feel inside of me
I needed a seduction to wipe away all my fears
I needed his hands to take away all the nightmares
I needed his kisses to **** out all the depression
I needed his body to save me from hyperventilation

I began swallowing the cold liquid he poured for me
Eventually I was heavily drinking
I wanted to feel a bunch of feelings in one
And he wanted to watch me get weak & crazy
I was typsy before being drunk off love
Love that was poured into a glass before wanting to finish the bottle

So once the sun went down, so did our clothes
He waited for that drowsiness to show,
And the weakness to take over me
That was his cue to take advantage
He knew my mind was unstable, so he layed me on the bed
He knew my world was poison, so he ****** the life out of my neck
The drink did nothing until he touched each part
The liquid quickly ran through my body
Then it activated my heart
I felt weak, and out of breath before he made himself hide
First his tongue tasted my alcohol from inside
My legs were shaking while he was below
The wait was over after I finished with him in my throat
That glass of alcohol extended to a bottle that it was almost hard to bare
And he made it more intense as it drowned my body, under his ****** care

Sometimes I just want to escape,
but every door is locked
Sometimes I just want to hide,
but the eyes come from the walls
Sometimes I get sick of crying,
but I’m already drowning in my tears
Sometimes I want to dream,
but the nightmares become my fears
Sometimes I just want to give up,
but I am always trying to be saved
Sometimes I just want to start over,
but now it’s too late to ESCAPE