I woke with a start
at 1:11 AM
from a bad dream
that you weren't in
but I found myself
restless in my bed

A glass of water
at 1:11 AM
but my bed felt wrong
so I cried myself to sleep
on my borrowed couch
pillow and cheeks an endless damp

I woke with puffy eyes
at 3:00 AM
a fitful cat nap
beneath a down blanket
no more tears fell
as I drifted off again

I woke to my alarm
at 6:00 AM
but I wasn't done
my eyes weren't dry
so I hit the snooze
and burrowed into the couch

I woke one last time
at 7:00 AM
curled in a ball
on my borrowed couch
but I got up
to start my first day without you

This middle-of-the-night breakdown shook my body
A small earthquake starting in my heart
spreading through my chest
after shock visible on my cheeks

Molten lava flowed from my eyes
burning rivers down my face
turning to rain to fall from my chin
pooling at my feet
before drowning me in a natural disaster

A worldwide phenomenon
a storm named for you

The morning sun teases my eyelids
'no, not yet'
1:11 AM, come and gone.
5:30 AM, my new lover

Where did these memories come from?
I haven't seen you in years
yet here you invading
every thought
every dream.

Your eyes are just as grey
your smile just as intoxicating
as when I was fifteen
just as naive
just as in love.

Ten years ago you were my greatest muse.
Today I found out you still are.
The way you made me feel
that night in the rain
is still with me today.

If I could look into your eyes today
would you still see a little girl?
Would you accept the woman I've become?
This morning I'll play our song
and 'remember when'.

Remember when
you'd say my name
you'd offer me your jacket.
If we ran into one another today
would you remember when?

Remember when
you left me for her
you wanted to just be my friend?
But if I saw you today
I know I'd still want more.

When I was fifteen
I loved the grey-eyed boy
who loved my best friend
but smiled a smile
meant just for me.

you never took a second look
you never looked back

I was giving you a chance
a chance to let you love me
a chance to let me love you

but you threw it away
you threw away a chance

You must not miss me.
I had hoped you would.
I miss you terribly
but I'd never admit it.

Some say I'm better off
but they didn't know us.
Thinking of you, I can't stop
but I'd never admit it.

I wish you'd call me up.
Convince me I was wrong.
Believing in you, I give up
but I'd never admit it.

If you knew how often I cry
would you change your mind?
I die a little more inside
but I'd never admit it.

Over the airplane hor d'oeuvres
war of nerves
your blue eyes
no disguise

It could have lasted forever
words so clever
left on red lips
dreaming of hips

I will never know your name
play your game
the terminal
a lonely girl

All of a sudden
your face came to mind.

The feel of your hand
on the small of my back,
the feel of your lips
tickling my neck.

The sound of your laugh
Haunting!

The smell of your skin
Intoxicating!

All of a sudden
your face came to mind
my heart broke
again
and I realized

just how alone I am.

The silence fills the empty heart
clouded by unsaid words
bruised from being beaten,

The loneliness breaks the crying soul
cold from being untouched
dark from being hidden,




The shattering hope breaks the silence.

Brisk air chilled his bone
rising sun called him home.
Frozen earth crunched beneath feet
his chest grew tight accepting defeat.

Lone stranger wanting acceptance
tail between legs recognizing deception.
Howls filled the meadow
snarls directed at the young fellow.

Coward runs from menacing yips
avoiding jaws at heels that nip.
Mist rises from the water
following him as he wanders.

In anticipation she grips his hand tighter
In anticipation he leans in toward her
The lights spin before their eyes
the cold air rushes past their faces
'Hold on' she thinks
'Let go' he thinks

Now she realizes she was temporary
a moment in time that had to be filled with passion, a short-lived love

She fell hard
pressing herself to the ground she landed on trying to fall farther
'might as well' she thinks 'I'm never getting up'

Tears, hot and uncontrollable, burn and moisten her cheeks
The sunlight blinds her
she squints into the sky
sees his eyes, his smile
hears his laugh, his voice

"It'll always be you" she whispers to the memory of him

Are you so insecure
that you will let
any guy
who crawls into your bed
take a little piece of you?

Do you think so little of yourself
that you will let
any guy
who buys you a drink
follow you home?

Is your self-esteem so low
that you will let
any guy
tell you all his lies?

Are you so blind
that you can't see
how beautiful
you really are?

it was the end of the world
over a bottle of wine you kissed me
the bombs fell on the roof

we hopped fences
we dodged debris
hearts racing
running faster

people cried out from burning buildings
we pulled them along with us
the whole time you held onto my hand

we hid under cars
we held each other
hearts racing
running faster

we didn't want to leave this world alone
you looked into my eyes
reflecting the flames around us

did you make it out alive
were you looking for me
hearts racing
running faster

Call it a premonition,
this seething in my bones,
your presence is a violation.

Once my addiction,
ears ringing like telephones,
call it a premonition.

Now a sudden mutation,
DNA sequence unknown,
your presence is a violation.

Seeking a destination,
wandering through fields overgrown,
call it a premonition.

Looking for peaceful fixation,
never really being alone,
your presence is a violation.

Needing redemption,
going back to you I am prone.
Call it a premonition,
your presence is a violation.

my name never sounded do beautiful
as it spilled form your lips
effortlessly consonants and vowels
strung side by side
six letters painting an invisible picture
six letters composing a silent symphony

your voice echoed off mountains
through canyons and valleys
reverberating off my ears
settling in my heart

i had never heard a sound so beautiful
a song lasting not even one second
burned into my ear drums
leaving a glistening scar

how can i forget a sound so beautiful
my body aches with a need
to be shook with the timbre

say my name

if only in a whisper
if only for me to hear
it could not sound so beautiful
to anyone else

The thought of seeing you
at such a joyous event
breaks my heart in two.

Will you be with someone new
celebrating under the same tent?
The thought of seeing you,

I don't know what I'll do,
knowing I'll never be content
breaks my heart in two.

I begin feeling blue
and I suddenly resent
the thought of seeing you.

Since you there have been few
all because the word you never sent
breaks my heart in two.

Someone should tell me to get a clue,
the love we had has came and went.
The thought of seeing you
breaks my heart in two.

Just when I thought (frown),
'I'll never see you again',
I hear you are back in town.
In memories I finally drown,
can we go back to "then"?
Just when I thought (frown),
'you'll always bring me down'.
I don't know where you've been,
I hear you are back in town.

Young and in love, me the clown,
I always "remember when"
just when I thought (frown).
Nine years ago my world turned upside down,
six years since your blue eyes, your grin.
I hear you are back in town,
"my first love", you wear that crown.
Of all the emotions suppressed, I feel chagrin,
just when I thought (frown),
I hear you are back in town.

When things are right in your world,
you let yourself into mine.
When the time is convenient for you,
you give some of yours to me.

Maybe you don't want to burden me
with problems you deem to be large,
but instead of pushing me away, pull me in
and let me help bear the weight.

This beautiful thing they call love
is nothing but a constant ache.

A pain that starts in your head
and retires in your heart
where it grows.

Thriving on memories
touches
laughs
looks
words

until it bursts
and your heart explodes
into millions of pieces.

Ruined.
This beautiful thing they call love,

kills you.

Being close to you felt warm,
felt safe.
Being close to you felt right,
felt real.
I still feel your memory,
I still feel your kiss.

The tears that still fall are all I have left of you.






Now I don't know where you are.

You hold me as if you know me.
You kiss me as if you won't miss me.
Skeptical? I think not.
Trusting? I know I'm not.
Suspicious? I try not to be.
Willing? More than likely.

I know you won't miss me.
I know you don't know me.
This is what I will be believe.

I miss my best friend
our long talks about everything,
yet nothing.

I miss my best friend
how it felt when you held my hand,
kissed my lips.

I miss my best friend
the way i loved you and how I meant the world,
everything to you.

I miss my best friend
how safe I felt with you hand in mine,
my heart in yours.

The heavy weight on my shoulders slows me down
The guilt in my stomach ties it in knots
There is no regret
just fear tugging at my heart.

Omission and lies
betrayal and dishonesty

I would apologize
but it would require an explanation
An explanation I can not share without hurt.

Loathing and hurt
tears and anxiety

Grateful for secrets and those who keep them.

You wouldn't spend the day with me
and no one made me a birthday cake.
The latter would not be so devastating
without all the events leading up to it.

You couldn't find it in you to stay
and you choose the wrong words.
If only it had been any other day
and no one made me a birthday cake.

You didn't want to spend the day with me
and I only kept getting older.
You kissed me like you were sorry
but no one made me a birthday cake.

Hope is the color blue,
clear blue.
     Not ocean blue,
     nor sky blue.
     A special blue,
     your own blue.

     A color I want in my world.

of all the colors my eyes can see
blue
is the worst.

blue
causes the most pain.
blue
causes my eyes to rain.

blue
leaves my heart in pieces.

blue
brings me the most hurt.

of all the colors the sky could be
its blue.
of all the colors your eyes could be
they're blue.

boy
be careful

her wounds are fresh
her wounds are deep

your words aren't salt
your words soothe her bleeding heart

words become poison to open sores
eating away any healing flesh

your words remind her of happy times
with you
boy

she's listening to your song

boy
be careful

It could have been you,
boy in the elevator,
who I was meant to be with.
But we never spoke.

You were reading a book,
boy in the elevator,
I was reading one, too.
But our eyes never met.

Do you think we have a lot in common,
boy in the elevator?
Do you wish you would have said hello?
Do you wish I had asked what you were reading?

There was something about your eyes,
boy in the elevator,
that made me dream of you.
But I don't even know your name.

Boy in the elevator,
I wish I knew your room number.
I would come knock on your door.
I would ask you on a walk.

Boy in the elevator,
I'm sad I let our moment pass.
Maybe you were the one,
boy in the elevator.

my head is telling me to breathe
but it's hard when my heart's not beating
when my stomach is in knots
and you're on my mind
the world seems to spin out of control

what should i do to let you know
you're slowly killing me
you take my breath
you stop my heart

you cloud my eyes
and i can't see where i'm headed
i'm falling for you
and you're not there to catch me

i can wear this smile
but inside i'm crying
i'm crying oceans
the salt burns my open wounds
only you can heal

we talk in black and white
the screaming in my head is red
inside my heart it's grey

words fall in silence
their meanings roaring
but understanding is deaf

impossibly blue eyes
look into unappealing brown ones
blinded by yellow sun

we talk in black and white

I had a dream
you were in it
I wasn't asleep
I was wide awake
it was a few years ago

Now I can't dream
you're not around
I only sleep
I don't like to wake
This is now

The cars we drove in high school
the boys we let ride in them
"reckless"
they would call us

The cars we drive today
the men we ride alongside
"cautious"
they will call us

When did we lose the spirit?
How did we grow up so fast?

I wish my old car still ran
I wish I knew where he was
"abject"
we call ourselves

You never wanted to claim me.

I was just a ******* your arm. You never made me feel special.
Maybe I'm the one to blame. I could've committed more to you.

But maybe I never could give more,
because

You never wanted to claim me.

It hurts now that she's something more to you. What more is she than me?
Does she put up with your insults? Do you tear her down, too?

You never wanted to claim me.

I was never your girlfriend. I was someone you were seeing.
I was not someone you saw the future with. I was the girl you ******.

You never wanted to claim me.

You *******.

I couldn't wait to see you
and when I did
it was all I had to confirm.

The feeling I had to sift through
all those i had hid
buried under a berm.

What should I do
open up a bid
let you make me infirm?

If only you knew
it seems I have slid
into a situation in which I squirm.

It takes all I have not to call you.

Rough
is not
the right word.
Tough in the face,
gentleman to the
core. A love for his girl
so deep it could fill the seas.
Hold her, cowboy, lasso her
heart. Pull her in with a soft touch.
Do not fence her, but do not let her run.

In a room of hundreds
it is you I pick out,
it is you who stand outs from the rest.

Your jacket
Your hair,
dark
mysterious

Your face
Your smile,
innocent
young

It is you,
in this crowded room,
I want to be close to
I want to get to know you.

Hold your hand
Kiss your mouth
Be your girl

Be the girl,
in this crowded room,
you want to be close to.

Sometimes you need someone to hold you
when you can't stop crying,
when the sobs come
and you can't stop shaking.

When the nights get too dark
and the sun won't rise,
you need someone there to tell you it'll get brighter.
Someone who will hold your hand through the nightmares.

But when the world is at it's cruelest
it leaves you to stumble through the dark alone
and through blurry eyes, a foggy mind,
you surrender on your knees.

Can you possibly recover?
Will you ever stand again?
Questions for eternity circle in your mind.
You're clouded judgment pulls you down.

You stay at the bottom waiting for someone,
someone to grab your hand and pull you up,
up out of the hole you dug yourself.
In the blackness, crying, you wait.

It was the dark
that held me.
Laying on the grass
collecting dew,
breathing steam.

The moon,
the stars,
black wrapped me up,
and held me.

Then,
there was you.
Then,
there was morning.
A sunrise,
red, orange, yellow.
So bright I shut my eyes,
you shielded yours.

The dark came again.
I felt something,
deep inside,
a tug,
a pang,
a hurt.

Fumbling,
crawling alone
into the dark again.

I can still see you.

There's no more sunrise.

Remember when you killed me?
You left me bleeding in your bed.
My heart stopped beating as you walked out the door.
Now I'm dead.
No more talking
No more laughing
No more loving
No feeling.
**Dead.

Is love supposed to be poetic?
Or is real love this painful,
burning sensation
in the pit of your stomach?

The heart is not involved.
It is left whole
beautiful.
No scars, no breaks.

But the butterflies,
their wings catch fire
like paper,
they fall
silently screaming, crying.

But the heart is never hurt.
Just the innocent butterflies
that make you smile
laugh
cry
fall in love

they die.

I wonder if you listen to the same bands...

hold on,
I've written this before.

I just want to know what kind of man you became.

**** you.
I fell for it again, your
smile, your laugh.
Again you break my heart
playing cool,
poisoning my heart.
Over and over again.
I had hoped you'd changed,
never mind.
Tonight's another disappointment.

Distracted
is how I remember feeling when I
saw your eyes sparkle in the fading light,
too young, so naive,
remembering that summer is
accompanied by a rush of emotion,
complete with lust, regret, and it
taught me so much,
even to this day I find myself
d**istracted.