I am at the wall again,
nose in the corner,
just a friend.

Please tell me when
I'll be no foreigner,
I am at the wall again.

How long has it been?
Will this ever be over?
Just a friend.

'Keep it up, your chin'
says the mourner.
I'm at the wall again.

When will it begin?
I'm done being a loner,
just a friend.

Stop the sin,
find my heart's owner.
I'm at the wall again,
just a friend.

When it all piles up
the stack becomes unbearable
I want to light it all on fire
watch the flames lick the edges
watch the memories turn to ashes.

Instead I drench it in tears
snuffing out any spark
plunging myself back into the dark
where the world stop spinning
and time stands still.

Wind I can not feel
but hear atop the pines
brushes ripples across the water
at the sight I begin to cry
I am so tried, so weary
that the bird songs are a funeral march
and less a lullaby.

Cold breeze reaches my cheeks
freezing tears within my eyelids
the sudden pop of a tree startles me
but I do not feel fear
I only ache for a touch
something besides the rising light
something warm to cover me
someone to reassure me.

It is silence louder than nature
calling me to close my eyes
try to sleep through the wild
wind and water move
birds and dreams call
as the squirrels chirp I lie down
I give into the Mother.

As the woodpecker drums so does my heart
the wind has calmed if only a little
clouds hide the sun's warmth from my body.

There it is.

That feeling in the pit of my stomach.
An aching,
churning,
burning.

There they are.

Those tears that always follow that feeling.
A crying,
sobbing,
hurting.

There you were.

Telling me everything I didn't to hear.
A friend,
not lover,
not ever.

There I was.

Hearing everything I didn't want you to say.
A word,
a curse,
a bruise.

Here I am.

Trying to hold all the heartache in.
A break,
crack,
shatter.

Why is it that I
always take one thing
and turn it into something
that it is not?

We have so much in common,
so much to share with one another,
but I took this nothing
and tried to turn it into everything.

So here I am
embarrassed
by all the words I said
that should have remained in my head.

So, here I am,
sorry for ruining one thing
that was actually something,
our friendship.

My heart won't slow down.
Blood pumps so fast
my face turns red,
hot.

My stomach won't settle.
Butterflies flutter
around in circles,
dizzying.

My heart won't slow down.
I'm feeling nausea
I want it to stop,
ease.

My stomach won't settle.
I feel nervous
I want to be calm,
relaxed.

My heart won't slow down.

I've gotten my hopes up.

Angry at myself
frustrated with this feeling
I let him get to me.

Heart always on a shelf
I must begin dealing
with what isn't to be.

Maybe I shouldn't give up,
quite yet,
but it still hurts.

It may be just a bump
I shouldn't be upset
I'll still flirt.

But,

I've gotten my hopes up.