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Cassie Sep 2018
I think I was only made to be a mother
But this century is telling me to be more
And I'm scared I can't
Cassie Jun 2021
Maybe I can be the girl you want me to be

If I always get a chance to fall asleep after you so I get a chance to cry and comfort myself if I need to

If you look away long enough for me to sneak a chill pill

If you can accept my tenseness because I'm too afraid to shake in front of you

If you can take me slowly changing, losing my kindness and softness

To cater to your calloused heart

And probably, all of this would still not be enough
I left 2 days ago because this relationship was eating me up, at least the way it was going, but I'm absolutely ******* heartbroken. I can't stop sobbing and thinking I was wrong or too sensitive. I told him what would hurt me and he would say I'm too sensitive, or say he had every right to be frustrated at me, but I was working my **** off to make sure he's okay and happy. And then he'd lash out on me when he was stressed. And somehow would make it seem like if only I did "x" he wouldn't be as stressed. But even when I get that thing accomplished, it's onto the next issue with me. I feel not good enough a lot of the time when I'm with him. I wish my heart understood this is what I need to do.
Cassie Nov 2017
Sometimes I get so angry at the world for tearing us apart
And so sad

I guess it's time
To smoke another bowl
Find another new antidepressant
Discover and create new pieces of myself
So I may forget the pieces this universe has stolen from me
This cruel world that sometimes I think knows what is best for me
And others I feel is this uncaring, unfeeling thing

And I guess this time, I should not let my chin slide over my shoulder on my way out of your life
But despite my wishes, I hear my neck snap in selfish opposition

One day, again, it will grow stiff
And maybe then the universe will turn to me again with it's arms open
Cassie Jan 2017
learn to love the growing pains
smile in the dark, in anticipation
of the next wave
knowing each one brings you that much closer to the things that you've been growing towards
Cassie Nov 2017
Hello
I am
The ugly friend
Would you like to fall in love with me
And then leave me when you meet the souls of the goddesses I am so lucky to call my friends?
Cassie Feb 2016
The roar of a fireplace takes place in my chest sans the scalding temperature
The fire sustains me yet I fashion myself its master
Cassie May 2017

I looked down at my thighs today, slightly wide and striped and said

"I respect you"

in my head without even thinking about it or meaning to

And honestly, I'm the proudest of myself that I've been in a while.
Cassie Dec 2017
would you ever expect a girl who loves so hard
to hate herself?
or would it be very obvious?
Cassie Jan 2017
You felt like home
You kicked me out
Now I'm afraid to go back to my own house
Forced to construct a home of my own with nothing but ****** knees and the shirt on my back
But despite the weather I weathered through it
It takes twice as much work to get this place warm
But I'm finding it's well worth it
Cassie Oct 2017
Honey, I know the signs
It's not the weight leaving that makes me want to cry when I look at you
It's the luster gone from your hair
Your smile
Your eyes
Despite an ever-widening smile
I know that smile well
Honey, when I see you, all my mind can come up with is "you are the most beautiful soul I know, please take care of yourself"
Please, fuel it
Please, don't believe yourself
You are a goddess and you deserve every bite of Mac n cheese you've refused yourself
Cassie Jun 2018
I want to feel beautiful but
I don't want it to take
Skin and bones (but still **** and ***) to achieve it

I am heartbroken for the majority of me that used to believe my only worth in this world
Was to be a pretty thing

That my thoughts really didn't matter
My feelings, my tears, should be hidden
Beneath shame and bruises
Whatever it took, as long as it was kept inside
Rather than surface
And possibly be perceived as ugly

I am me
This is my skin
This is the stuff beneath it
****** and (maybe) ugly

But maybe,
Beneath it,
One of the most beautiful things that can be found in this world
Something to be seen beyond eyes
Something to be revered despite public disgust

And maybe, just maybe
It didn't matter whether it was pretty or not after all
Cassie Mar 2018
His words were flowers disguised as bullets
And she spoke in flowers that hid the knives beneath her tongue
And they lived like this until she could no longer hold the taste of blood in her mouth
Cassie Mar 2018
there's something about rawness
i can't help but plunge my fingers into
even though I know it'd be best to just let it heal
Cassie Jan 2018
I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own
Cassie Sep 2018
alcohol
it's the devil
i swear upon my own future grave

it whispers in your ear like sin
(perhaps that's because that is it's other name)

it tells you
"i'll make you forget about what ails you, off to sleep I'll sail you"
but restless waking and sleep i'll give you, it forgets to mention

but maybe it didn't lie,
you just refused to remember it

or perhaps you did, but it was worth the temporary renderment

after night upon night of retching it's poision, the thoughts flooding back from your stomach
you remember, you always come back to your footing
and each step is little more painful than it was the night before, and you can't seem to get used to it

but please, you must remember, you must avoid the temptation,

you can overcome anything
you have overcome everything
you thought you never could
thus far

you have come this far

refuse, refuse to let alcohol, or anything else, become your end

(be it physically or emotionally)

you are worth the mending
and like a muscle
each time you exercise the discomfort
(in these terms of loving yourself, in refusing numbing these feelings, which you must remember, are a part of yourself)

it will hurt less

it will become easier

it will be worth it.
Cassie Sep 2018
i just don't want anyone to hurt
like i've hurt
and i've never even really been hurt
that badly so
sometimes the world feels
unbearable
if that makes any sense
at all
And I am so, so sorry to anyone who has ever been, like, really hurt by life. I've been relatively lucky. It's just crazy how nothing is "fair". Sometimes it keeps me up at night and causes a good bit of my anxiety. It's just hard to live in a world where you can be, even a really, really, good person, and still get the worst life had to offer.
Cassie Aug 2018
I miss you
I might always
But maybe we're best for each other when there's a little distance between us

Too close and I can't tell where your tears begin and mine end

I fear together we'd drown
Cassie Aug 2018
when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift
Cassie Dec 2018
I always catch myself thinking
If only, I were more beautiful
I would be loved more, let go less easily
But, for some reason it took me until today to realize that
I would be just as unhappy
Just as scared that they would leave
Because what if, one day, I were no longer beautiful?
Cassie Jan 2017
"what a beautiful day"
I say from the stale side of the window pane
I retreat beneath my sheets
Cassie May 2018
It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.
Cassie Nov 2018
Cigarettes on a wooden porch and it's pouring
And I've got a paperback and half a pack still left
The pages of the paperback are thin and stiff
And give off that smell
Like the rain releasing the scent of the dirt and grass from the earth
Just older

Honey,

I'm home.
Cassie Aug 2018
Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river
Cassie Oct 2020
Oh
I'm just so original
And quirky
And "not like the other girls"

Oh I'm just so sad,
So sad
So, so sad.
free writing, so may not be my best.

I find myself at a stance between being too heavy and being too light.
Cassie Jul 2018
I'm sick of waking up hungover, sober, sad, anxious, self diagnosed hypomanic (the therapist and psychiatrist say it's a no)
Downright, not right
But there's nothing to do
But to pry the sheets from my being
Pray for the best
And wade myself though it
Cassie Dec 2017
When you black out drunk with a nice guy/this guy you can't really stand when he's drunk/he drinks a bit/a bit too much
And you congratulate yourself for not sleeping with him in your drunken state
And then he texts you the next day
"Are you on birth control?"
And your stomach drops
And you're compelled to ask
"Why..I blacked out..did we sleep together?"
And your phone buzzes
And you get the "yeah lol"
And your self throbs with the echoes of yesterday's mistakes
And your grip on this world ends and you need to find your footing again, again
Too bad I'm not a guy so I can take pride in this (I mean hey, I had ***, that's not a bad thing, the drinking was the bad thing, yet I hold the most shame in the ***).
Cassie Sep 2019
I saw bars around me and thought "prison"
Just realized it was a cradle
And I could climb out whenever I decided to
Cassie Jun 2019
I can't write when I want to
Only when I need to
Cassie Oct 2016
I know what I want
(you)
I know who I need
(me)
Cassie Jan 2018
if I let myself feel the pain
from it's edges to its pulpy-est parts
I fear I'd never be able
To put the pieces back together the way they were at the start
And I cannot decide whether this would be a blessing or a curse

Whether I would be a phoenix
Or just ashes
Cassie Oct 2018
Don't know why
But sometimes
I just want to die
And then I wake up the next morning
Thankful the pills and drink didn't take

I honestly don't want my people's world to quake
With the mistake of my bad decision
I'll stay here and try to make revisions
But I'm just not so sure they'll do the trick
I'm sorry if I leave you before my time has ticked

But I really do hate the bitter taste that will be left in their mouths
So I refuse to take it
Cassie Oct 2018
I'm too sensitive for others

Sometimes I just think I'd be better off alone for the rest of my years
Cassie May 2019
I'm stronger than you think, you know.

I will bloom despite the snow.
Cassie Apr 2017
honey, you can't save anyone but yourself and honey,
nobody can save you but yourself.
Cassie Nov 2017
stop mocking me
clock in the corner of my eye
i know what time it is
far too late
or
far too early

(but which one?)

whichever haunts you most
Cassie Jul 2018
I guess
To be honest
I'm a little bit broken
And I don't feel like home
But maybe, if I make it warm enough
And I build up my four walls strong enough
I may be
Cassie Aug 2014
the only thing that my future guarantees
is that i will still be haunted by its uncertainty
and plagued by a past spent with my fists clenched trying to enjoy the present
Cassie Jul 2019
I wish I could make you understand

How much I trust you

But also how much I love you

And how much I worry

When you slur your words
or your "tells" come out.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to accuse you but I don't want to let you slip back into being addicted to something

I wish I had the brain and the heart to sleuth it out.

But I'm too tired right now.

And I am so sorry for the both of us.
Cassie Jul 2020
I've lived too many lives

Been too many different people

I just want to figure out what my life looks like, and live it

Figure out who I am, and be her
Cassie Mar 2019
hell now is a place that once tasted a lot like heaven
I'm burning up in rays I once basked in
hypomania (self diagnosed) used to be fun honestly but now it's just really annoying and getting in the way of me being who I want to be
Cassie May 2018
You know what

Take it

Just take it

Take all that I have left
Swallow it
And **** it out

Tell me
It upset your stomach

While I stand with ****** hands hiding the hole in my chest
Cassie Jun 2021
Are you the enemy
Dressed in sheep's clothing

Or just a scared sheep baring its teeth
That my eyes mistook for a wolf

I don't know

I don't know
Cassie Jan 2019
It's funny
Maybe a bit ironic
That I've cared so much about having a perfect appearance in the past
That I am now completely uninterested in trying to look even presentable
If I cannot find the energy to put into looking my best
If I can't muster it, I put no energy in

Anything half-assed and I feel I look like a joke, and I feel more embarrassed than going makeupless

I know I'm being needlessly rough on myself
But at times, I think, not rough enough

A battle,
It always seems to be a battle
Between polar opposites
Cassie Apr 2019
I don't want to write poetry anymore
I don't want to feel the need to
I just want to be me without feeling the need to explain myself  (mostly for myself since nobody knows I have this site)
Just a thought
Cassie Apr 2016
i used to believe in magic
Cassie Aug 2017
Tell me that you miss me
That I'm not the only one who would find my mind drifting to the scent of your soap scrubbed skin fresh out of the shower
The gentleness with which you cupped my cheek
The stolen kisses that upon looking back, feel more like a fever dream than a memory
Tell me, I am not the only one who felt the magick I can't help but to believe may be found only between two loves who once shared a soul
Cassie Sep 2017
What can you do for a friend
Whose life they feel is unraveling in their hands
But hold them strong until they get their head above the depths

This isn't good enough for me
I can't sleep knowing there is suffering

I am so scared though,
I'm running out of energy
To even make myself smile
I feel every centimeter as if it is a mile
And my check engine light is broken
Cassie Nov 2017
I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)
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