I refuse to, but
I want to drink very much at the moment
There is something about the dulling of my senses that helps make me feel more present
Finally, not feeling overstimulated
Distracted by my own morbid imagination
I just want to be normal
And sometimes it feels like it's the magic potion
But I know it's really poison
So I refuse to sip
(But goodness can I hear that clock tick, reminding me of every moment I waste white knuckling through the present)

There's a special place in my heart for people like you

The one that makes me not trust genuinely nice people

The one that makes me feel like I will never be good enough

The one that makes me feel undeserving of love

it's odd to think
some people love cherries, or rainy days, or the quiet
and others despise those things

how can some people hate what others love, and vice versa?

I don't want to be like this

Hopeless for no good reason
Anxious for nothing
Sitting on my *** worrying myself to bits when I know for a fact getting up and doing something would help

I'm sorry

I am tired of smiling
I am always looking for something to smile for
Any respite from this brain
But just as much because maybe it'll make others happy too

But the corners of my mouth are cramping
Cramping into a grimace

And I am tired of grimacing

I am tired of myself

You hate me,
don't you?
and I'm not pretty enough
to fight for,
I know
I'm sorry I could never be what you deserve

and maybe the saddest part
is that I could have been
if only I pushed myself harder

but then my face would be pressed so far into the ground
my bones would have broken
flesh would have peeled from my face

where
is the in-between
I've never lived it
But I know that,
That is where I would thrive

I dream of it,

It waltzes on my lips, between the folds of my never tired brain

And that place, I fear more than anything, is the one state
I'll never have the gas to get to

You called me **** drunk again and asked me if I ever thought maybe I'd died and this was the afterlife

I said no

Not because I was done with your "pseudo-deep" questions and theories

Like you telling me how hard it is to be an empath after you got done ******* on me

But because I didn't want to tell you what I really thought

If there is an afterlife, you'd think it'd be kind of fair at least. I've done nothing to deserve this level of hell.

The level of hell you cornered me into.

You felt like home
You kicked me out
Now I'm afraid to go back to my own house
Forced to construct a home of my own with nothing but ****** knees and the shirt on my back
But despite the weather I weathered through it
It takes twice as much work to get this place warm
But I'm finding it's well worth it

i miss you when i am out of states
wishing i were the sewer grate that could catch the muck beneath your shoes because though i can enthuse you
i can't bring myself to accuse you
of the things my mind has made up
and maybe its the alcohol but i am enthralled by
the memory of you
worthy of poem as
fresh dew on
freshly packed snow
melting in the sun's tired rays

She was a poet and he didn't even know it
She didn't share, she was scared he wouldn't care
and she'd be left broken

He had a heart but he was too afraid to show it
He didn't share, he was scared one day she wouldn't be there
and he'd be left broken

They thought they were protecting themselves in their shells but really, they were only tearing themselves and each other apart.

The human heart, at least sometimes, has a funny way trying to help but ultimately sabotaging itself.

The people I love are breaking
Crumpling to soddy pulp in the rain, waiting to be washed down the drain
And/or waiting to catch fire in the sun
And I don't know if it's the full moon or the eclipse
But I'm scared

It's coming.

you think you know
how loud this voice goes
how low
you haven't the slightest clue
the damage I could do
when you hurt what this heart gaurds

"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again

More than anything I would love to find my other half
To stand in an empty room, knowing I have grasped her hand and pulled her in and up from the depths
To look in the mirror and see the only person who makes me complete

Letter to my body and soul:

I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I can't believe you guys are still there for me despite how I've treated you.

Thank you.

I want to peel back
The layers of myself I've let callous over
For you
For you only
But even though they're not supposed to hurt anymore
They scream upon the feeling of my fingers tearing
Or maybe it's the new skin
Afraid to be exposed

Either way
I love you
And I am so sorry
For being so sensitive
For being so tough

behind closed doors
i sit in nothing
but a pair of headphones
inhale magic smoke from my crystal
let her caress my lungs for
seven seconds before i
exhale her out the window
a shadow of what she once was
giving her life for my happiness
inevitably iridescent
i tiptoe to my bed and submerse myself beneath covers
letting the bass control the rhythm of my heart
because for once somethings giving it a start
i couldn't care any less if it killed me
i'm makeupless
void of vision
or senses in every sense of the word
i'm breathless and sleepless
i crave sweet release
but can't even form a thesis

its mornings when the cold stings my nose
and the smoke fizzling off the end of my cigarette
burns my bloodshot eyes
that i can't see a thing out of because i just took my contacts out after passing out with them in that i remember
i am ******
and the world is still
just as frigid and grey as before
but it is early
and i will shut the world out in blackeness
bury myself beneath covers
and pray for blue skies once i open my eyes
but anything will be contrast against
the view of my inner eyelids

i want you in every way
internally
with a movment of hips
externally
strokes from fingertips
spiritually
our bodies but mere shells
enompassing souls that tap on chest cavities
i mistook it for my heart fluttering
i don't believe in love at first sight
but it was something
i fear it was
old souls reconnecting

He's okay
She's okay
They're okay
But I am not
People live their lives and I am ******* in mistakes
From their minds I've been erased
While they plague both my waking and sleeping thoughts
They continue to kiss as before
I do the same
Just with total lack of feeling
My love can't tell the difference
I am a hopeless romantic
As in when things are actually working out
I have to wreck it
In life, there is no perfection
And I have no patience for less

I have found happiness in solitude
The more I love myself, the less I love you
I anxiously await your return from work
Only have my heart lurch up my throat as the world, so you perceive, spits on you
I've spent too much of my time
My money
My positive energy
Myself
On you
Only for you to realize that
Nobody will love you the way that I do
You've changed your ways
It's far too late
But I can't let go
You told me if I did we would have wasted our youth
At times I feel I already have
What do I have to lose

it feels like
the effort and love I put forth
is not reciprocated
but I know I too, need my breaks

I can't tell if I am being too forgiving
or too harsh

Honey, it's too much
I love you, but it's too much
I can clean up the broken chair, cup your ****** hand in mine
But I cannot stop you from doing these things, or feeling the feelings that cause you to do this
You feel broken, you break something
And it breaks me
Every time I see or think of you, I worry
My mind is too full of worries to even think about anything but them already
Please, understand if I need to step away
If it seems cold, please know if anything, I love you too much
I'm sorry

hedonism has lead me to want nothing but
more
just this once turns into
anytime, anywhere
happiness is relative
sadness is unfathomable
because there is always a fix
always a high
sorry I've been acting so low
I preach that not all who wander are lost
but i happen to be
to live a life dependent on selfish highs
or regret every decision I don't make

i never quite understood why
i enjoyed drinking just a little too much
or sniffing my pretty little chill pills

and i never understood why, after i stopped,
i missed the bitter taste of the trickle at the back of my throat occasionally
or would look back and wonder how i felt less nauseous on days spent on my bed, puking into my waste basket
then i did presently, eating healthily, keeping it down, going to class, being fully present in the lives of my friends and family

i would begin to feel, at the pit of my stomach, a sort of squirm, an uneasiness, an uncertainty that at any moment, my heart, may in fact, fall straight out of my ***

my gaze would begin to linger on the signs of liquor stores
and instead of burdening the ones i love by spewing my love, my hope, my fears for every soul that decides to sit down for tea

i decided, as if there were no alternative, I would spare them the soul diarrhea, because what advice, solace, could they give me?

when all that would ease my stomach at the time was the knowledge that everyone was going to be okay
the only possible thing they could do to help would be to predict the future
and i could not put that weight on them, the weight of knowing that the only way to help take away the pain of their soul responsibility would be to obtain powers that do not exist

i now understand that, not being able to predict the future doesn't make it bleak, it just makes the present more valuable, so i need to be present for it
and i refuse to waste this cherished time or forget a moment of it

i smile too hard in social situations
to make up for the fact that i've sorted through my every thought and can't find anything of interest to say
and i blush at every compliment i receive
because i'm too embarrassed to disagree
you see
I'm kind of vapid
but it's only because I can't control the voice inside my head
I'm not crazy, unfortunately
I'm just overly self aware
and i want you to know that we are stardust
but you're only interested in superstars
and I'm only interested in companionship
so I'll entertain you with magic tricks
I want friends
**** their ***
but women judge me too harshly
and men don't judge me on the right things
they like my mind, but abuse my body
i only care for souls
for records
and old pictures of kids in bulky glasses
neon bellbottoms and
flower power wallpaper
plastering the walls of an alternate universe
where i may blossom and open up
like a flower in the rain

These lips
Walk me in and out of offices
But I can't put into words these feelings
That press up against my belly and chest
Lurch up my throat
They mock me
These bits which refuse to be translated
Spit at my face and kick me into a corner
Until I have no fight left in me
My face encrusted in dry salt
I curl up and close my eyes until they retreat

Where they go I do not know
But when they do, I wipe my face and rise to my feet


I am a warrior

And I will not accept defeat

What if it's me
What if I am the one who is ****** up
What if my ideals are intangible
What if I am the only person who is right for me
Even though I tell myself I hate myself daily
What if the loss of the spark I once felt between us
Isn't your fault but my own
What if I lost all of my feelings during an attempt to analyze them
What if every little thought that runs through my brain
Is pointless

It's the alcohol
It's the medication
It's my sleep schedule

It's my coping mechanisms
My habits
My thought processes

It's just me.
Myself.
And these.

it's too bad my love is cannibalistic
i must have you all to myself
please, leave the brains too
i want to stain them with my star flecked essence
so you can't breathe without me
it's only fair
it's how i've felt since the moment we met
i want to devour the thoughts i sow in your brain
i want to hear poetry pour from your soul
i won't judge
mine's ******
i want clarified, detailed honesty
crystal ***** no longer captivate me
i want your lips on my bowl
words straight from within without filter
i want only what i give
eat me

I hate being like this

I don't want my people to feel neglected, ever
But I don't always have the energy, the right amount of sanity, to be there for both them and myself
Without driving myself borderline crazy, without running myself into the ground
So I can't decide whether or not
To slip quietly out of their lives
For both their sake and mine
Because I don't want to be undependable, they deserve more
But when I try to be there for them and myself, I just can't seem to help but drive myself into the floor

I hope they understand my absence is in no way their fault

i like you a lot
like maybe more than mary jane..
and she's my main
***** because when I'm with her
I can't remember the definition of the word ******
but I'm nervous for this fervor you stir in me
when i laugh with you i don't need ****
and that's crazy coming from
miss wake and bake
lunch break light up
dinner doobie
and don't forget the late night blunt ride
but you make me feel so high
my cheeks hurt and my stomach bursts
with butterflies sometimes i forget to eat
because I'm too busy staring into your baby blue eyes
my heart dances in my chest even worse than when i have anxiety
but it's different
i gave you my heart on a silver platter
but pulled it away the second i had a hint you may not deserve it
and that made both of us feel worse than
when your **** shattered