you love me
in the most brutish of ways
you throw me over your shoulder
sometimes you make me pay
your hands are always on my *******
or the weight of your head is crushing my chest
i can't keep this sick feeling at bay
i never used to mind, or even notice these things
as time drips by i build up a wall not even your **** can penetrate
though you beg nearly every day
my libido is at a stalemate
things have gotten stale, mate
but i know you love me
when im puking and you ask me, "are you okay? are you awake?"
"breathe through your nose. just breathe. get some water down. take a break."
as i spew over the rare flag your friend gave to you, that he stole from the track at the race
you show me you love me
but when i ask why or how you feel
you come up with nothing
and words mean everything to me
but i suppose if you asked me the same
i'd come up with just as much

I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.

Everyone thinks I chose psychology as my major because I want to help people
And they're not wrong
But, perhaps almost just as much, I wanted to figure out what type of crazy I am and how to sooth it

Too many nights of my brain flying out the window
Towards every direction there is and isn't
Everywhere but where I need it
Wishing it would crash on the pavement over, and over and over, til there is nothing but darkness
Finally, a restful sleep
Where did that knife come from?
Why am I smiling with a knife in my hand, pointed toward me?
Why am I fantasizing about taking a flying leap from that little window in our apartment
I remember thinking I'd be one with the birds song those few moments in the air

It is only now, years from that scene that I know this will never be my fate
I will never let my life be taken by my own hands.

I am proud, but I am also scared. I can no longer lay in the odd solace of these thoughts when my brain begins eating itself.

And I don't know what to do but live.

And I don't know what to do but live.

I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
And I love very, very hard.

I will stand by your side no matter what tides come.
No matter how strong.

But if me leaving will make you better

I will.

I will do anything for you.

But just know I will never find anyone else.

I will wait for you forever.

I would rather die alone than with someone who isn't you by my side.

Sometimes it feels safer to stay where you know the eggshells are because, well, at least you know where they are
And if you line your ducks up just right
You might make it out the door and onto the other side for a little while

And some days the other side seems like a place where I may not have to tip toe anymore

But on others the other side is most likely riddled with invisible eggshells

What if they're sharper than the ones I've become used to, what if I ****** up my feet irreparably?

What if, what if what if

****** or not

I'm taking off running💜

I think I’ll be alright

Maybe my cards will play out right

But it’s the fear that they won’t

That keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won’t


Oh, anxiety

I hope you humor yourself because you sure as hell don’t humor me

Oh, I can see you from the corner of my eye
Feel your familiar fingers brush past my shoulder

My dear old friend

Could you perhaps, not come by

Every time the days get shorter and darker

So many good things are to come despite your cast

And I can already feel you blotting them out with your ink

Even diluted, it ruins the picture

Please, kindly dear, keep your black holes away from my stars

when we first met i pinched myself daily
i had not yet mastered lucid dreaming
but reality was just too unbelieveable
i'd left the mossy rock's shade in exchange for a view of the lake
fearing my skin would bake i retreated
my biggest mistake
i could not find my way back to the dark path
so i sat in a field and let the sun beat my back
brown to black, speckling white as i peeled
uneven, unhappy, unmatched
the shade had never truly hurt me in the past
i became drawn by the unknown, by physical attraction
though i may once again find my rock, the contentment i felt with it once is apt to end
the lake whispers my name but i know it just wants to drown me in its depths

That body wash
That deodorant
That perfume

Used to be the only kinds I used

Now I can't stand the smell of them

I thought maybe it was because they reminded me of you

But I just realized it's because

They reek of a time I was trying so hard to bloom while I was wilting

maybe I hate when I can't get you so much
because in your grip is the only time
I feel my fists unclutch

Should I get a Brazilian **** lift?

Nope.

When I explained to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about the size of my ****, and he said he loved it and it was perfect the way it was, but if I wanted to change it I could do x,y and z,

Did that mean he didn't like my **** the way it was?

Nope.

But thats how I heard it.

I hate you brain.

He asked her
"Do you think maybe you depend on me too much?"
And she replied, quicker than she could have even had a thought
"No!"
But she did so
Knowing he may very well leave or pull away had she said yes
And that,
Would be too much for her to bear

I do not need to bare my teeth to be happy
You can never see or know how hard my soul smiles

I find it quite upsetting that after everything, it's still those bloodshot, blazing blue eyes that I dream of.
I thought I'd had enough.
Stomach settled, I believed I had purged you from my system.
No more of your virus plaguing my cells but only time tells what carnal desire craves.
It wants what it can't have.
I always like a challenge but they leave me stuck in quicksand.
The more i struggle to hold on the deeper I pull myself in.
I choke on the grains you force down my throat, grime licking my skin.
Eyes peppered with granules I smile and choke.
We stare into the black pits of each other's pupils.
You offer me a hand.
There's hope.
I'm hopeless.

i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be

i can't see **** when my fat black glasses slide down my
pale freckle kissed nose so i
squint my little blue eyes
the gold glows and i let one side of my face go
it rushes into a smile
arms wrapped around me
I'm whole
I know I'm what your future holds
and that holds me back from enjoying
who i am
what makes me tick
it's all so "dangerous"
has staying away from hallucinogens and the like
been my decision or my compliance with my
striped sweater
because the best time to wear you is all the time
wound up in you now i feel i'm in a bind
you hang past my exceptionally large ******* imitating folds of fat
burned off with a cool breath of menthol
by ****** fingers the flame lit
maybe i want to be seen
in your eyes
that is sin
i want someone to
illuminate me
because you're rubbing the color off of my wings
unknowingly
my tips singed
and I'd hate to tell you you're grasping too tightly
but I'd probably fly towards the light anyway, right?
I suppose I'll find solace in tapping at my case of preserved butterfly remains
laying on the bare hardwood floor in my baggy striped sweater, knees pulled close

I'm sorry to myself for apologizing more than you do when you're the one who should be apologizing.

But you probably don't even remember what you should apologize for since you were drunk now that I'm realizing it, so I guess I can't hold you to those.

I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted of always being the bigger/more mature person with someone I should feel is my partner in this rocky life.

I've always felt like the rock in this relationship.

He sometimes has, but I always have been.

Just when I trust he is, he falls into his lying (about his addictions) and addictions again.

It's draining not to have someone very emotionally dependable.

I know its not his fault.

He has addictions, and mental troubles of his own.

So I never hold him to it, but I am personally feeling the weight of his meanness, his hopelessness.

And to know I can't stop being someone's rock or else they'll break even further than they already have when I already feel like I've broken and need help of my own is getting to be too much.

And I can't get help because I'm worried if people (a therapist or something like that) know he's an addict and I need help with my anxiety again someday CPS might check on us and see if he is a fit parent (if we ever have kids-that's a whole other discussion).

I feel stuck.

So, so stuck.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If he wouldn't get so angry with me I could deal with this so much better.

If we could fight this as a team.

Instead of me fighting for/against him.

Chill days
Late nights
The summer haze
The midnight lights
Good times
More to come
Memories like vines
Link together to form a story that is never done
One season ends
The next begins
Make new friends
Make decisions on a whim
Don't be tied back
By what is set in stone
Move past
Move out of home
What day does summer really end
Or is it just a state of mind
Ask any kid and it's subjective
The day he or she is put back on the assembly line
I hope to keep the mindset
Of relax but be productive

I forget sometimes to place a warm cup of tea before my sorrows as I refill again those of my joys,

and for this,

I can understand why when one of my sorrows finally recieves one, sometimes it just throws it back in my face.

And yes, I'm scolded for a few moments, but I am the one who is to blame.

Had I just invited my sorrows to tea a little earlier, and treated them with the same respect as my joys, I would not have upset my guest.

Treat all guests with respect.

but I don't want to
live like this
forever
anymore

knowing my limits
helps me beyond most would understand
i can finally
rest my tired muscles
feed my hungry stomach
rest my restless mind
and let the superstars take the weight of the world of looking and being perfect
on their shoulders
instead of mine

I hate how I feel so unlistened to at times
Yet sometimes I'm so focused on being listened to
That I don't listen to others

I'm sad I can't tell you

The lack of stability here has made it harder for me to get wet

Because it will just make things more unstable

And it will just make you feel bad, and drink more

And make me less wet

And so on,

And so forth.

thoughts that prevent me:

oh ****,
really?
get over it
get over yourself

It feels good to get these thoughts out at times but I'm scared in the wrong hands (with someone with a mind like mine), they could run through a person's mind almost like a negative mantra? But it's not true. You get over things in your own time and you're not a selfish/bad person for having a rough time.

cigarettes
brown liquor
paperbacks
a view of some woods
some rain
maybe a cup of tea

it hurts but it won't forever

it hurts but it won't forever

it hurts but it won't forever

Knock knock,
Is anybody home?

Yes, but the doors are locked and the curtains are drawn

You beg me to unlock a window, a door, anything

I've begged myself too

Racked my brain trying to remember how I last found my way to you, bloodied my hands attempting to break my way through

I can just never seem to find a doorway when I most need it

I promise I will let you in when I do

And I hope you understand this is just as painful and frustrating for me as it is for you

I love you💜
I pray you can see it💜

i want you in every way
internally
with a movment of hips
externally
strokes from fingertips
spiritually
our bodies but mere shells
enompassing souls that tap on chest cavities
i mistook it for my heart fluttering
i don't believe in love at first sight
but it was something
i fear it was
old souls reconnecting

the only thing that my future guarantees
is that i will still be haunted by its uncertainty
and plagued by a past spent with my fists clenched trying to enjoy the present

I want nothing more in this world than to have a family

It's been my dream since I was probably too young to be thinking of such things

But I waited, and now at 24, the naivety that made that future glow seems to be dimming

Sometimes I don't know if I want to put children on this Earth

Knowing what they will have to witness on the news
Knowing they could be part of those events too

That they will likely need to work their butts off until they die
And all I can do is pray they can find a job they halfway like

Knowing there's a good chance I'm going to be working at a job that may make me not be able to be as present for them as I'd like to be, just so I can make enough money for their dad and I to make ends meet; I always hoped to be a stay at home mom and make them my priority

I want the best for them, and although I'd do my best, I still feel guilty that they'd have to experience the inevitable darkness in this world at one point or another

Is it selfish to bring kids into this world that we live in?

Don't know why
But sometimes
I just want to die
And then I wake up the next morning
Thankful the pills and drink didn't take

I honestly don't want my people's world to quake
With the mistake of my bad decision
I'll stay here and try to make revisions
But I'm just not so sure they'll do the trick
I'm sorry if I leave you before my time has ticked

But I really do hate the bitter taste that will be left in their mouths
So I refuse to take it

Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river

I now find myself feeling a bit ill, when I'm complimented on my
words, touch or skill
I fear they are all to love of me
and someone (a little voice in my head)
told me today
that your truest loves would love you even if you could do nothing but sit still

but I still find myself being scared of not being enough
though I am constantly moving

I'm meeting myself again and she's beautiful but she's so sad,
I'm scared for her.

you think you know
how loud this voice goes
how low
you haven't the slightest clue
the damage I could do
when you hurt what this heart gaurds

I never want them
To know I struggled

They loved me so much

But I want others to know I have struggled despite this love

He's okay
She's okay
They're okay
But I am not
People live their lives and I am ******* in mistakes
From their minds I've been erased
While they plague both my waking and sleeping thoughts
They continue to kiss as before
I do the same
Just with total lack of feeling
My love can't tell the difference
I am a hopeless romantic
As in when things are actually working out
I have to wreck it
In life, there is no perfection
And I have no patience for less

This pit in my stomach is a black hole
Threatening to absorb all of the light in my life

Let myself go?
I have been fighting to live
Not just survive
So if a couple of pounds is my punishment
I will take it
With a side of fries

I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own

You hate me,
don't you?
and I'm not pretty enough
to fight for,
I know
I'm sorry I could never be what you deserve

and maybe the saddest part
is that I could have been
if only I pushed myself harder

but then my face would be pressed so far into the ground
my bones would have broken
flesh would have peeled from my face

where
is the in-between
I've never lived it
But I know that,
That is where I would thrive

I dream of it,

It waltzes on my lips, between the folds of my never tired brain

And that place, I fear more than anything, is the one state
I'll never have the gas to get to

I want to feel beautiful but
I don't want it to take
Skin and bones (but still **** and ***) to achieve it

I am heartbroken for the majority of me that used to believe my only worth in this world
Was to be a pretty thing

That my thoughts really didn't matter
My feelings, my tears, should be hidden
Beneath shame and bruises
Whatever it took, as long as it was kept inside
Rather than surface
And possibly be perceived as ugly

I am me
This is my skin
This is the stuff beneath it
****** and (maybe) ugly

But maybe,
Beneath it,
One of the most beautiful things that can be found in this world
Something to be seen beyond eyes
Something to be revered despite public disgust

And maybe, just maybe
It didn't matter whether it was pretty or not after all

It's funny
Maybe a bit ironic
That I've cared so much about having a perfect appearance in the past
That I am now completely uninterested in trying to look even presentable
If I cannot find the energy to put into looking my best
If I can't muster it, I put no energy in

Anything half-assed and I feel I look like a joke, and I feel more embarrassed than going makeupless

I know I'm being needlessly rough on myself
But at times, I think, not rough enough

A battle,
It always seems to be a battle
Between polar opposites

I have found happiness in solitude
The more I love myself, the less I love you
I anxiously await your return from work
Only have my heart lurch up my throat as the world, so you perceive, spits on you
I've spent too much of my time
My money
My positive energy
Myself
On you
Only for you to realize that
Nobody will love you the way that I do
You've changed your ways
It's far too late
But I can't let go
You told me if I did we would have wasted our youth
At times I feel I already have
What do I have to lose

hedonism has lead me to want nothing but
more
just this once turns into
anytime, anywhere
happiness is relative
sadness is unfathomable
because there is always a fix
always a high
sorry I've been acting so low
I preach that not all who wander are lost
but i happen to be
to live a life dependent on selfish highs
or regret every decision I don't make

"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again

"what a beautiful day"
I say from the stale side of the window pane
I retreat beneath my sheets

avoidance
isolation

my protector
my savior

and the knife that cuts too deeply the softest parts of me