you love me
in the most brutish of ways
you throw me over your shoulder
sometimes you make me pay
your hands are always on my *******
or the weight of your head is crushing my chest
i can't keep this sick feeling at bay
i never used to mind, or even notice these things
as time drips by i build up a wall not even your **** can penetrate
though you beg nearly every day
my libido is at a stalemate
things have gotten stale, mate
but i know you love me
when im puking and you ask me, "are you okay? are you awake?"
"breathe through your nose. just breathe. get some water down. take a break."
as i spew over the rare flag your friend gave to you, that he stole from the track at the race
you show me you love me
but when i ask why or how you feel
you come up with nothing
and words mean everything to me
but i suppose if you asked me the same
i'd come up with just as much

I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.

Everyone thinks I chose psychology as my major because I want to help people
And they're not wrong
But, perhaps almost just as much, I wanted to figure out what type of crazy I am and how to sooth it

Too many nights of my brain flying out the window
Towards every direction there is and isn't
Everywhere but where I need it
Wishing it would crash on the pavement over, and over and over, til there is nothing but darkness
Finally, a restful sleep
Where did that knife come from?
Why am I smiling with a knife in my hand, pointed toward me?
Why am I fantasizing about taking a flying leap from that little window in our apartment
I remember thinking I'd be one with the birds song those few moments in the air

It is only now, years from that scene that I know this will never be my fate
I will never let my life be taken by my own hands.

I am proud, but I am also scared. I can no longer lay in the odd solace of these thoughts when my brain begins eating itself.

And I don't know what to do but live.

And I don't know what to do but live.

I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
And I love very, very hard.

I will stand by your side no matter what tides come.
No matter how strong.

But if me leaving will make you better

I will.

I will do anything for you.

But just know I will never find anyone else.

I will wait for you forever.

I would rather die alone than with someone who isn't you by my side.

Sometimes it feels safer to stay where you know the eggshells are because, well, at least you know where they are
And if you line your ducks up just right
You might make it out the door and onto the other side for a little while

And some days the other side seems like a place where I may not have to tip toe anymore

But on others the other side is most likely riddled with invisible eggshells

What if they're sharper than the ones I've become used to, what if I ****** up my feet irreparably?

What if, what if what if

****** or not

I'm taking off running💜

I think I’ll be alright

Maybe my cards will play out right

But it’s the fear that they won’t

That keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won’t


Oh, anxiety

I hope you humor yourself because you sure as hell don’t humor me

Oh, I can see you from the corner of my eye
Feel your familiar fingers brush past my shoulder

My dear old friend

Could you perhaps, not come by

Every time the days get shorter and darker

So many good things are to come despite your cast

And I can already feel you blotting them out with your ink

Even diluted, it ruins the picture

Please, kindly dear, keep your black holes away from my stars

when we first met i pinched myself daily
i had not yet mastered lucid dreaming
but reality was just too unbelieveable
i'd left the mossy rock's shade in exchange for a view of the lake
fearing my skin would bake i retreated
my biggest mistake
i could not find my way back to the dark path
so i sat in a field and let the sun beat my back
brown to black, speckling white as i peeled
uneven, unhappy, unmatched
the shade had never truly hurt me in the past
i became drawn by the unknown, by physical attraction
though i may once again find my rock, the contentment i felt with it once is apt to end
the lake whispers my name but i know it just wants to drown me in its depths

That body wash
That deodorant
That perfume

Used to be the only kinds I used

Now I can't stand the smell of them

I thought maybe it was because they reminded me of you

But I just realized it's because

They reek of a time I was trying so hard to bloom while I was wilting

maybe I hate when I can't get you so much
because in your grip is the only time
I feel my fists unclutch

Should I get a Brazilian **** lift?

Nope.

When I explained to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about the size of my ****, and he said he loved it and it was perfect the way it was, but if I wanted to change it I could do x,y and z,

Did that mean he didn't like my **** the way it was?

Nope.

But thats how I heard it.

I hate you brain.

He asked her
"Do you think maybe you depend on me too much?"
And she replied, quicker than she could have even had a thought
"No!"
But she did so
Knowing he may very well leave or pull away had she said yes
And that,
Would be too much for her to bear

I do not need to bare my teeth to be happy
You can never see or know how hard my soul smiles

I find it quite upsetting that after everything, it's still those bloodshot, blazing blue eyes that I dream of.
I thought I'd had enough.
Stomach settled, I believed I had purged you from my system.
No more of your virus plaguing my cells but only time tells what carnal desire craves.
It wants what it can't have.
I always like a challenge but they leave me stuck in quicksand.
The more i struggle to hold on the deeper I pull myself in.
I choke on the grains you force down my throat, grime licking my skin.
Eyes peppered with granules I smile and choke.
We stare into the black pits of each other's pupils.
You offer me a hand.
There's hope.
I'm hopeless.

i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be

i can't see **** when my fat black glasses slide down my
pale freckle kissed nose so i
squint my little blue eyes
the gold glows and i let one side of my face go
it rushes into a smile
arms wrapped around me
I'm whole
I know I'm what your future holds
and that holds me back from enjoying
who i am
what makes me tick
it's all so "dangerous"
has staying away from hallucinogens and the like
been my decision or my compliance with my
striped sweater
because the best time to wear you is all the time
wound up in you now i feel i'm in a bind
you hang past my exceptionally large ******* imitating folds of fat
burned off with a cool breath of menthol
by ****** fingers the flame lit
maybe i want to be seen
in your eyes
that is sin
i want someone to
illuminate me
because you're rubbing the color off of my wings
unknowingly
my tips singed
and I'd hate to tell you you're grasping too tightly
but I'd probably fly towards the light anyway, right?
I suppose I'll find solace in tapping at my case of preserved butterfly remains
laying on the bare hardwood floor in my baggy striped sweater, knees pulled close

I'm sorry to myself for apologizing more than you do when you're the one who should be apologizing.

But you probably don't even remember what you should apologize for since you were drunk now that I'm realizing it, so I guess I can't hold you to those.

I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted of always being the bigger/more mature person with someone I should feel is my partner in this rocky life.

I've always felt like the rock in this relationship.

He sometimes has, but I always have been.

Just when I trust he is, he falls into his lying (about his addictions) and addictions again.

It's draining not to have someone very emotionally dependable.

I know its not his fault.

He has addictions, and mental troubles of his own.

So I never hold him to it, but I am personally feeling the weight of his meanness, his hopelessness.

And to know I can't stop being someone's rock or else they'll break even further than they already have when I already feel like I've broken and need help of my own is getting to be too much.

And I can't get help because I'm worried if people (a therapist or something like that) know he's an addict and I need help with my anxiety again someday CPS might check on us and see if he is a fit parent (if we ever have kids-that's a whole other discussion).

I feel stuck.

So, so stuck.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If he wouldn't get so angry with me I could deal with this so much better.

If we could fight this as a team.

Instead of me fighting for/against him.

Chill days
Late nights
The summer haze
The midnight lights
Good times
More to come
Memories like vines
Link together to form a story that is never done
One season ends
The next begins
Make new friends
Make decisions on a whim
Don't be tied back
By what is set in stone
Move past
Move out of home
What day does summer really end
Or is it just a state of mind
Ask any kid and it's subjective
The day he or she is put back on the assembly line
I hope to keep the mindset
Of relax but be productive

I forget sometimes to place a warm cup of tea before my sorrows as I refill again those of my joys,

and for this,

I can understand why when one of my sorrows finally recieves one, sometimes it just throws it back in my face.

And yes, I'm scolded for a few moments, but I am the one who is to blame.

Had I just invited my sorrows to tea a little earlier, and treated them with the same respect as my joys, I would not have upset my guest.

Treat all guests with respect.

but I don't want to
live like this
forever
anymore

knowing my limits
helps me beyond most would understand
i can finally
rest my tired muscles
feed my hungry stomach
rest my restless mind
and let the superstars take the weight of the world of looking and being perfect
on their shoulders
instead of mine

I hate how I feel so unlistened to at times
Yet sometimes I'm so focused on being listened to
That I don't listen to others

I'm sad I can't tell you

The lack of stability here has made it harder for me to get wet

Because it will just make things more unstable

And it will just make you feel bad, and drink more

And make me less wet

And so on,

And so forth.

thoughts that prevent me:

oh ****,
really?
get over it
get over yourself

It feels good to get these thoughts out at times but I'm scared in the wrong hands (with someone with a mind like mine), they could run through a person's mind almost like a negative mantra? But it's not true. You get over things in your own time and you're not a selfish/bad person for having a rough time.

cigarettes
brown liquor
paperbacks
a view of some woods
some rain
maybe a cup of tea

it hurts but it won't forever

it hurts but it won't forever

it hurts but it won't forever

Knock knock,
Is anybody home?

Yes, but the doors are locked and the curtains are drawn

You beg me to unlock a window, a door, anything

I've begged myself too

Racked my brain trying to remember how I last found my way to you, bloodied my hands attempting to break my way through

I can just never seem to find a doorway when I most need it

I promise I will let you in when I do

And I hope you understand this is just as painful and frustrating for me as it is for you

I love you💜
I pray you can see it💜

I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)

I'm too sensitive for others

Sometimes I just think I'd be better off alone for the rest of my years

stop mocking me
clock in the corner of my eye
i know what time it is
far too late
or
far too early

(but which one?)

whichever haunts you most

it's odd to think
some people love cherries, or rainy days, or the quiet
and others despise those things

how can some people hate what others love, and vice versa?

I want
a husband
a family
roots.

but it seems that just as much of the time I find myself dreaming of
living alone in the woods

a feather in the wind

when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift

Tell me that you miss me
That I'm not the only one who would find my mind drifting to the scent of your soap scrubbed skin fresh out of the shower
The gentleness with which you cupped my cheek
The stolen kisses that upon looking back, feel more like a fever dream than a memory
Tell me, I am not the only one who felt the magick I can't help but to believe may be found only between two loves who once shared a soul

I know regret will get me nowhere, but maybe this is something different.

I can't believe I so wholeheartedly gave away pieces of myself to others in the hopes that someday, I'd become whole.

For a while, I imagined myself as a vessel
A vessel containing unconditional love, and that it was my job to fill everyone's cup
This kept me alive

But this vessel is cracking
And she's scared that nobody will love her when they see her smile cracking
When they see her cracking

A vessel can only hold so much, can only be dropped so many times, placed in the garage, forgotten and then remembered again, before she begins to question her worth.

From now on, I am the vessel, and I am the cup.

There's a special place in my heart for people like you

The one that makes me not trust genuinely nice people

The one that makes me feel like I will never be good enough

The one that makes me feel undeserving of love

hell now is a place that once tasted a lot like heaven
I'm burning up in rays I once basked in

I now find myself feeling a bit ill, when I'm complimented on my
words, touch or skill
I fear they are all to love of me
and someone (a little voice in my head)
told me today
that your truest loves would love you even if you could do nothing but sit still

but I still find myself being scared of not being enough
though I am constantly moving

I always catch myself thinking
If only, I were more beautiful
I would be loved more, let go less easily
But, for some reason it took me until today to realize that
I would be just as unhappy
Just as scared that they would leave
Because what if, one day, I were no longer beautiful?

It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.

Are you the enemy
Dressed in sheep's clothing

Or just a scared sheep baring its teeth
That my eyes mistook for a wolf

I don't know

I don't know

The people I love are breaking
Crumpling to soddy pulp in the rain, waiting to be washed down the drain
And/or waiting to catch fire in the sun
And I don't know if it's the full moon or the eclipse
But I'm scared

It's coming.

I know what I want
(you)
I know who I need
(me)

learn to love the growing pains
smile in the dark, in anticipation
of the next wave
knowing each one brings you that much closer to the things that you've been growing towards

I don't know whether I'm too big for my skin or if it is too small for me
Either way though, it doesn't fit and I can't stop fidgeting

i want you in every way
internally
with a movment of hips
externally
strokes from fingertips
spiritually
our bodies but mere shells
enompassing souls that tap on chest cavities
i mistook it for my heart fluttering
i don't believe in love at first sight
but it was something
i fear it was
old souls reconnecting

I think I was only made to be a mother
But this century is telling me to be more
And I'm scared I can't

I don't want to write poetry anymore
I don't want to feel the need to
I just want to be me without feeling the need to explain myself  (mostly for myself since nobody knows I have this site)