Cassie: Poems - Hello Poetry

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6 month slip up

Cassie Aug 2020

6 month slip up

I hope I don't die tonight
I just don't feel right
I've had half a pint and I'm feeling not right

I had a xanax too, but it was split through the night
All in an effort to feel alright

But here I sit in plight

Knowing tomorrow I'll regret what I let happen tonight

Even if I feel good enough to run a mile in 5 minutes tomorrow, I know what I did tonight isn't right

I'm sorry brain and body
I know what I'm doing to you isn't right

I've been doing really well not drinking and tapering off xanax the past 6 months. Was pretty disappointed in myself for slipping up and getting drunk, and doing it with my nightly xanax dose. In case anyone doesn't know, apparently you can die from mixing the two. Been under so much stress, I'm honestly surprised I didn't slip up sooner. This just further confirmed that I can't have a lot available to drink when I'm under extreme stress, because I end up drinking too much since I feel like if I drink enough, I can escape my anxiety for a night. Also, this was written drunk so, that's also clearly not true haha.

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a bird and her key

Cassie Jun 2018

a bird and her key

she plucked out her own feathers
threw herself against the wire that enclosed her
not because she could not set herself free
but because she had the key
and was too afraid to use it

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ablaze

Cassie Jul 2013

ablaze

glazed green eyes set ablaze with the flick of a lighter
inhaling with no avail
no true difference
just a weight lifted off her back for thirty minutes
thirty one..
thirty two...
thirty three..
thirty..4:20
thank goodness an excuse
light the fuse
blast the tunes
as long as she's dazed she's got nothing to lose
perception sweet and slow as honey

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addicted (to mice)

Cassie Oct 2014

addicted (to mice)

A habit, you see, is a hard thing to break
It's a little mouse nibbling on the hunk of swiss cheese you call your brain
No, there's not much left to ruin
But there's so much more to "enjoy" (destroy)
Little do you know that joy rides lead to ****** trails down the road
And once you do realize this
You are more hole than cheese and the only thing that makes you whole is that ******* mouse

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after 6 years of wondering if I'm good enough for someone else, I'm released.

Cassie Jul 2021

after 6 years of wondering if I'm good enough for someone else, I'm released.

I want to be chosen

Not by default

I don't want to be your only option

Because it makes me feel like you love me less for who I am

And more for the empty space I fill in your heart

I don't trust that I am your top choice

Honestly you've proven to me many times that I'm not, I just refused to admit it

But now I will.

I choose myself.

I don't need you to.

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a letter from me to you (me)

Cassie Jan 2019

a letter from me to you (me)

little girl
I am so sorry
for being so cruel
I don't know what's wrong with my head
but it just seemed like the right thing to do
but now you're all grown up
and broken in two

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And You?

Cassie Jul 2013

And You?

The funny thing is that
I don't like people who like themselves too much
Though I may think you are as amazing as you do
I won't let you know
I'll poke fun
Tell you that you're attractive but you already know that
Admire you from afar
You perform for me and I clap
But, people forget to ask me how I am
What I like to do
Not even a simple "and you?"
Still, every so often, I ask how you're doing, get replies but no questions back
I would much rather hear "*******"

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bedtime thoughts

Cassie Nov 2017

bedtime thoughts

When I close my eyes
They all fumble to escape from their lidded prison
They begin as butterflies bumping into each other but turn into a swarm of bees, pushing their buzzing bodies to the surface
Until I am forced to open my eyes to relieve the pressure
And feed them the honey they've been fumbling for

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breathe

Cassie Dec 2017

breathe

deep breath*
okay
if they got their love story
I can have one too

breathe, baby
breathe

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broken things

Cassie Feb 2018

For years, at times I'd find myself
In the early hours of the morning before light
Thinking
This world
Is so irreparably broken
I can feel it at the pit of my being
I can feel it making itself comfortable in my heart
And I must fix this world or else this pit may take over my being

But I am trying very hard to tell myself now,
I might even believe
that it is people,
Not the entire world
That may be broken
And I can't change the world
But I can offer one hand and heart at a time
And then maybe that person I helped might want to too
And then maybe, years from now, we will live in a world of people who are whole and do not hurt

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burnt

Cassie Jul 2013

burnt

you set my soul on fire
then left me there to burn

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But Did it Come from the Heart?

Cassie Jul 2013

But Did it Come from the Heart?

I'm hungry for what lies between your ears
Within your skull
But I know you won't tell me what's been blossoming behind your eyelids
For everything you see, a thesaurus unfolds
You won't let me thumb the pages
Your dialect reflects your well read imagination
Is there passion?
Or was this just a class?
A grade?
A presentation?
You might have me fooled
Hearing you recite your carefully crafted words
Sends me good vibrations
I hope you were serious about wanting to be a master of English education

end rhyming horribly but is there always passion behind poetry? or can we be fed *******?

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callouses vs. open wounds

Cassie Jun 2018

callouses vs. open wounds

This callous on my heart
Is a blessing and a curse
If not for it, my heart would be too vulnerable
With a callous, or at least behind it, I am able to hold back my tears for a moment in public,
For this I am seen as cold

When I cry too much, I hear that I'm a crybaby, I have been told my heart is too large
What do you want with me?

Tell me please, universe, because it seems as though you are toying with me

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Dearests

Cassie May 2021

Dearests

Dear,

Do you even know who I am?

Did you even really care to find out or just need a companion?

Dear,

Do you even know who he is?

Did you even really care to find out or just need a companion?

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disgusting

Cassie Sep 2013

disgusting

i truly disgust myself
you love me more than i deserve
i left your *** for a pretty boy who promised to marry me and take care of me from the moment we met
and you begged for me back
your lips touched mine only hours after he kissed me goodbye
and i still cringed when ours finally met
you can guilt me into anything
i couldn't leave you bleeding on the pavement
tears cascading down your face
I never knew you cared so much
i told you this and it just made you cry harder
but still i long for lust
i used to feel so much passion towards you
if you left me, i surely would have taken my own life
but now, numbness tingles dully through my body
i go through the motions in the hope that you wont notice
i no longer feel the way that made life worth living
i miss knowing that there is nobody better than you
now i spend every day debating whether i should stay
something doesn't feel right
but you love me far too much
and i know you'll take good care of me
so long as you neglect that i truly am disgusting

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dissociation

Cassie Jul 2020

dissociation

I haven't felt the ground beneath my feet
The wind tickle my skin
For more than a moment since I can't remember when

Unless I try, very, very hard

And all that trying takes a little of the magic away

I know the feeling/magic will come back again soon without having to try to hard though. It always does. I just get dissociation when I've been anxious/under constant stress for a while.

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escape: on-again (off-hopefully-soon-again)

Cassie Oct 2018

escape: on-again (off-hopefully-soon-again)

what is it
this nagging thing within me
more than just a voice in my head
less than the shakes
that makes you seem like the only thing I want
the only thing I need
is a sip, or hit
or two
or 10
somewhere around then I lose track
and can finally go to sleep

sleep, the one thing better than you lately

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Fast World

Cassie Jul 2013

Fast World

Fast food
Fast cars
Fast girls
Fast world

Fast paced
Shoes laced
Heightened heart rate
Don't be late

Sweat beading your being
Aren't you tired?
Your soul's taking a beating
Tweeting instead of reading
Face booking instead of looking up
Have you forgotten how to breathe?
Involuntary actions* now include refreshing your news feed

The best years of our lives wasted on the internet
Reblogging pictures that reflect our interests
Hoping the next follower is our next best friend
What happened to human interaction?
We're all connected by a single thread
Let's take a stand and realize this now instead of on our death beds

Look up
Look out
Look in
Lose doubts
Lose sin
Lose shame
Open your eyes
Forget the game

*autonomic functions

I read this at my school's poetry slam. I have horrible stage fright and closed minded peers to appease. I'm happy I actually went through with it.

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flickering ticker

Cassie Dec 2017

flickering ticker

this ticker whimpers a bit at times
but never fails to rattle when I tap my chest

(whatever governs the heavens, bless)

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For You

Cassie Feb 2014

For You

You make me want to become a better
Writer
Words no longer pertain to you
Adjectives have lost their hue
Verbs cannot capture the grace of your movements
And nouns mean nothing
My dictionary, my dear old friend, is thin
My floor, thick with the crossed out remains of its contents
The number of pages untorn compared to the number of pages on the floor equivalent to the ratio of vowels to consonants
Perhaps I jumped the gun
It is not the words who can’t compare but
Myself
You make me want to become a better
Person

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Game

Cassie Jul 2013

Game

Purely physical
Medicating residual movements
We were both good actors
Mirroring each other's actions
But now theres nothing that can sooth it
This lack of game
of chase
Cat and mouse
Mouse and cat
Chit chat
I cant bead around the bush
Your hand on my abdomen again
I want you to push
Collect your energy
Shoot it into me
Through your tongue and fingertips
I can't forget your lips
Lightly dragging across my collarbone and up my neck
Your tongue in my ear
I can still feel your breath
Digits imprinting hips
My fingers tracing the braille of your spine
It reads "maybe I'll call you later but I'll never call you mine"

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going places

Cassie Dec 2016

going places

the light at the end of the tunnel is a train
and baby, we're going places

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grades, weight, anything that can be quantitatively measured

Cassie Oct 2018

grades, weight, anything that can be quantitatively measured

the number you wanted
you got it
so just smile and be thankful

finally, happiness after all of that truly unnecessary amount of stress.

and for what?

a step closer to perfection?

that's a painful journey with no destination

you thought this would sustain your happiness for longer than a breath
but after that sigh of relief you find yourself striving even harder still
towards

more or less

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half 'n half makes it bearable

Cassie Aug 2018

half 'n half makes it bearable

some nights I want to die
some nights I'm thankful I didn't
either way,
I'm tired.

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happiness

Cassie Jan 2018

happiness

and the actress forgets she is playing a character
that she was an actress even

it is only when the lights in the theatre come on
that she reorients herself

fingers tracing the braille of the mask she forgot she wore
the world begins to warp and spin and she finds herself

home amongst the fears
of a reality worse than nightmares

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Head vs. heart vs. Human

Cassie Aug 2014

Head vs. heart vs. Human

The heart is a muscle designed to pump blood through your veins to your arteries
It is asymmetrical, perhaps a little revolting
It is nothing more
It is nothing less

The brain is an ***** designed to allow us to create experiences, experience things
Experience a chemical imbalance and you may feel like you're crazy but the thing that's really insane is that
You don't feel with your heart
You feel with your brain

But part of me is hesitant to believe that who we are is simply a sum of the head
And I believe the answer may lie somewhere between the heart and the brain
It calls itself the soul

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hell is not a destination but a journey

Cassie Aug 2015

hell is not a destination but a journey

Who am I kidding
Yes, I am in love with an addict
But I am one as well
To each their own personal hell

While you poke around for needles and veins
I poke around for a sign of your love no matter how faint
And I am asking from an addict the thing he does not have
The thing he numbs himself from
Love

Love for those he felt he could have helped
Feels he should help
But forgets that first he needs to help himself

He cannot accept that hell is not a destination but a journey led by oneself
He cannot be dragged down into its depths
He may be tempted but in the end it is his legs that launch him down the boiling well

But
Who am I kidding
Yes, I am in love with an addict
But I am one as well
To each our own personal hell

As you grasp at pill packets I scratch your back skin crawling due to habits
And I feel infinite
You are letting me love you and I cannot thank you enough for it

I have accepted that hell is not a destination but a journey led by oneself
I cannot be dragged down into its depths
I may be tempted but in the end it is my legs that launch myself down the boiling well
I refuse to jump

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here and hypothetical

Cassie Sep 2018

here and hypothetical

I could have wasted the majority of my life
Wasting mine
Risking mine
To make sure you were fine
Until I popped out our kid
(I am so sorry to be so ******, they would have been made from love, but maybe just a little too much desperation on our parts to not be alone)

I love you
But I think being apart may be for the best for all of us

Here and hypothetical

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hereditary

Cassie Oct 2020

hereditary

I've never felt such a great depression and oddly, a calm acceptance in my life.

I won't bring children here if they are bound to be the same.

Suffer the same.

How could I know for sure this will be their fate?

But, also, if I truly love them, how could I even risk it?

I never imagined life without raising a family

But I refuse to make little souls suffer for my dream.

Excuse my French, but ******* anxiety.

I get crippling anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. Even on a normal day I'm a pretty anxious person. I don't know how I could live with myself if I passed this on to them. Almost every day is a struggle.

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highku

Cassie Feb 2014

highku

Poetry is dumb
You may never understand
Words are meaningless

(it's the syllables that count)

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hi, I love you

Cassie Oct 2018

It feels like
If we didn't drink or smoke
You'd maybe hate me
And I'd maybe just cope

You told me this isn't true, though
And trust me,
I'm trying my hardest to believe you

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home

Cassie Mar 2018

home

no matter where you go or who you meet
you one day, at some point find yourself back at home, alone with yourself
and I am trying my damdest to make myself a place I am not afraid of staying alone
I would love actually, one day to find my greatest joy and solitude there (here)

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How I Wish for Our Nonexistence

Cassie Jul 2013

How I Wish for Our Nonexistence

I thought I was happy and in love
That "us" would always mean, us Until you led me to question
What is love?
What is happiness?
And for months now I have been unable to decipher my mood
Within me lies the answer, well hidden
I'd say within my cold, black heart
But is it really dank and dark?
Surely flowers and sunbeams can't be bursting from my ribs
I feel no clawing from within the walls of my chest cavity
Is anyone home?
I have my doubts
The only clue is
It's beating keeps me up at night
If only it were methodical
It races until I catch it, take a few deep breaths
Sometimes it subsides
More often I wash my face with salt water
It licks my hide like a moon starved tide
I let it creep down my cheeks onto my lips
Until I'm dry and can dream about his fingertips
And not those of the person who loves me unconditionally
Then and only then do I feel true happiness
In our alternate reality
How I wish for our nonexistence

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human

Cassie Dec 2013

human

i am god
i am the devil
i am the angel
and the demon
i am found
i am lost
i am positive
and i am unsure
i am sane
i am psychotic
i am normal
and i am insane
i am both all and none of these things
at any given moment all i can gaurentee is that
i am human

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i hope the carnival comes again soon

Cassie Jul 2014

i hope the carnival comes again soon

a connotation of infinity had my head spinning
and I knew that I never wanted to step off of this molasses coated carousel
because no matter how low I dipped I was still dizzy and high, if not a little naive
after a few spins I was disorientated to the point where I thought it would never end
but within the blink of an eye the music died and the world, I , we, slowed down
I hope the carnival comes again soon

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I Need to Need You

Cassie Jul 2013

I Need to Need You

I wish I still believed that you were the best
I wish that we still walked to the elementary school playground
Where we would lay tongue in mouth for hours or
Make our way past the brook in the woods
Strip off our sticky clothes on top of your Marlboro sleeping bag
And become one beneath the canopy of green leaves
Red elbows and knees, flushed cheeks
You'd light my cigarette after and we'd sit by the stream
I wish that we would walk out from those woods
And see a little chipmunk
He would put his two paws on my hands, **** his head and look into my eyes
He'd bite you when you tried, mountain man
And I'd laugh my *** off again
I wish that you would walk me to school every day you had off
And make the other girls jealous
When you'd kiss me goodbye and say "I love you. See you after."
I wish that I felt the way I did for you towards then, now
I want all of these things, just no longer from you
I had zero warning before this change in view
It disgusts me
I need to need you
Otherwise
Who the hell am I?

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Is There Anybody Out There?

Cassie Jul 2013

Is There Anybody Out There?

nobody gives a ****
about poetry
or books
charles bukowski
or siddhartha
nobody gives a ****
about the universe
or extra terrestrials
carl sagan
or that we are stardust
nobody gives a ****
about Led Zeppelin
or Pink Floyd
Joni Mitchell
or Nirvana
nobody gives a ****
except for me

So it seems. I know this can't be true. I know you exist.

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I Think

Cassie Jun 2018

I Think

You are a possible poison
Please, wouldn't you rather me live?
Than risk watching (perhaps for a while, perhaps forever) my spirit die if yours left mine?

Think wisely,
Because I think I'd rather live a life half-lived
Than have lived fully with you only to lose you

(I think)

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it may need a little work, but I'm home

Cassie Dec 2017

it may need a little work, but I'm home

They say home is where your heart is
And my heart is in my chest
There is no need for searching north to south, east to west

And if I don't like how my home feels
I'll do some renovations
I just must be sure to focus on the foundation rather than the decorations

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it's good for the heart-won't you have a taste?

Cassie Dec 2016

it's good for the heart-won't you have a taste?

my love is a box of dark chocolate and blood red wine sitting patiently for you at the table
hugged by dust and cold candlewax
when did two years pass?

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I wish I could be fairy sized for you, but I'm pretty sure it would kill me, and that wouldn't do us any good now, would it?

Cassie Jun 2019

I wish I could be fairy sized for you, but I'm pretty sure it would **** me, and that wouldn't do us any good now, would it?

I want to be tiny

Tinier than my bones will let me
But still, I've tried

And even after knowing this
Try again sometimes in anxious times

When I'm having trouble finding happiness within me
I think maybe, a little less of me will make me happy

So I skip the meals, feel the butterflies when I see that number go down

Then look in the mirror maybe a week later and notice
I miss certain parts of me being fuller

Find myself even less attractive without them being that way than I did feeling "too chubby"

I've come to the conclusion that my body is not the problem

It's my brain

It will always find something wrong

Though I came to this conclusion years ago, it has taken me this long to refuse to give it what it wants

And just give my body what it's begging for

I refuse to ever use starving myself as a shortcut to "happiness" ever again.

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just another force of nature

Cassie Jun 2018

just another force of nature

when it's been a while since the last time
when the rain broke free from the clouds
and I finally breathe in that rain kissed Earth
my bones sometimes become weak and weep

I too, know the feeling
of having no other choice but to let the water in me seep from what sees and touches this Earth
more often than not, breaking things that have been growing for years
without a thought or a care,

Blind to what stands in front of me.

I may be a horrible person

but maybe the best thing to do is to accept that I am not all bad, or all good

I am just another force of nature

the only difference is

I can control my direction and destruction

if I so choose

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just a pretty face

Cassie Jul 2013

just a pretty face

please stay shallow
so that i may tell myself that
you are just a pretty face
so that i may stop myself from
peering into your soul
and finding something worth my stay

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"life-saver"

Cassie Sep 2020

"life-saver"

I keep telling myself
Other people's problems are more important than my own

And here I sit at 25

Nothing (or at least it feels/looks to an outsider) accomplished, except maybe extend a couple lives a little longer

This seemed of greater importance than some cash in my bank account or pocket.

But I wish job applications would accept this experience, because otherwise the gaps in my years of work make me look like a failure.

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loose tooth

Cassie Sep 2013

loose tooth

i keep dreaming that
my bottom left tooth is pulsating with pain
hanging by a string
and i can't decide whether to tear it out myself
see a professional
or leave it alone in the hopes that it will mend itself
i cry and i play, imagining the space it will leave
how unlike myself I'll be if i let it go
replacements are hard to come by
but i can only imagine the relief I'll feel once it's gone no matter how much i bleed
i can't tell my lover these things
i carelessly told him the meaning behind lost teeth in dreams

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me too?

Cassie Dec 2017

me too?

text to my best friend:
i don't know what to make of it or myself at the moment honestly.

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one for the books

Cassie Jun 2018

one for the books

you and I
oh, we were like Adam and Eve
Romeo and Juliet

just a few too many lines short of reality

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Overthinking

Cassie Nov 2016

Overthinking

it feels like I'm watching myself
dig my own grave
and i'm begging myself
to stop
and crying
why

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Panic

Cassie Nov 2017

Panic

It's closing up my airway
It's lurching up my throat
It hides in open doorways
It smirks when doors are closed

It shows itself in salty streams
It hides itself in smiles
He may be on vacation but he'll be back in a while

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parted lips

Cassie Aug 2013

parted lips

Parted lips
Few more hits
Fingertips
Total bliss
Take a rip
Do not slip
Chill don't trip
Pull out my kit
This is it
Make it fit
Prepare for flight
Where's my light
Fly my kite
Without strife
Live your life
Forget what's right
Let go
Do not know
Take it slow
Don't take it's ****
Room of smoke
Without hope
Just smiles
An good vibes
For miles
And good tries
So hi
Hello
Let go
Goodbye
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
89 10
Just in case
Self invasive
Not abrasive
Letting go of strain
Light it up and keep us sane

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