hell now is a place that once tasted a lot like heaven
I'm burning up in rays I once basked in

It's closing up my airway
It's lurching up my throat
It hides in open doorways
It smirks when doors are closed

It shows itself in salty streams
It hides itself in smiles
He may be on vacation but he'll be back in a while

I don't know whether I'm too big for my skin or if it is too small for me
Either way though, it doesn't fit and I can't stop fidgeting

They say home is where your heart is
And my heart is in my chest
There is no need for searching north to south, east to west

And if I don't like how my home feels
I'll do some renovations
I just must be sure to focus on the foundation rather than the decorations

text to my best friend:
i don't know what to make of it or myself at the moment honestly.

You called me **** drunk again and asked me if I ever thought maybe I'd died and this was the afterlife

I said no

Not because I was done with your "pseudo-deep" questions and theories

Like you telling me how hard it is to be an empath after you got done ******* on me

But because I didn't want to tell you what I really thought

If there is an afterlife, you'd think it'd be kind of fair at least. I've done nothing to deserve this level of hell.

The level of hell you cornered me into.

I'm sick of waking up hungover, sober, sad, anxious, self diagnosed hypomanic (the therapist and psychiatrist say it's a no)
Downright, not right
But there's nothing to do
But to pry the sheets from my being
Pray for the best
And wade myself though it

i hate the way i say "i love you"
before even finishing the i
i am waiting on you
to tell me not what i need you to know
but what i needed to hear

You are a possible poison
Please, wouldn't you rather me live?
Than risk watching (perhaps for a while, perhaps forever) my spirit die if yours left mine?

Think wisely,
Because I think I'd rather live a life half-lived
Than have lived fully with you only to lose you

(I think)

Oh, I can see you from the corner of my eye
Feel your familiar fingers brush past my shoulder

My dear old friend

Could you perhaps, not come by

Every time the days get shorter and darker

So many good things are to come despite your cast

And I can already feel you blotting them out with your ink

Even diluted, it ruins the picture

Please, kindly dear, keep your black holes away from my stars

You hate me,
don't you?
and I'm not pretty enough
to fight for,
I know
I'm sorry I could never be what you deserve

and maybe the saddest part
is that I could have been
if only I pushed myself harder

but then my face would be pressed so far into the ground
my bones would have broken
flesh would have peeled from my face

where
is the in-between
I've never lived it
But I know that,
That is where I would thrive

I dream of it,

It waltzes on my lips, between the folds of my never tired brain

And that place, I fear more than anything, is the one state
I'll never have the gas to get to

I know what I want
(you)
I know who I need
(me)

Sometimes I get so angry at the world for tearing us apart
And so sad

I guess it's time
To smoke another bowl
Find another new antidepressant
Discover and create new pieces of myself
So I may forget the pieces this universe has stolen from me
This cruel world that sometimes I think knows what is best for me
And others I feel is this uncaring, unfeeling thing

And I guess this time, I should not let my chin slide over my shoulder on my way out of your life
But despite my wishes, I hear my neck snap in selfish opposition

One day, again, it will grow stiff
And maybe then the universe will turn to me again with it's arms open

Are you the enemy
Dressed in sheep's clothing

Or just a scared sheep baring its teeth
That my eyes mistook for a wolf

I don't know

I don't know

she plucked out her own feathers
threw herself against the wire that enclosed her
not because she could not set herself free
but because she had the key
and was too afraid to use it

More than anything I would love to find my other half
To stand in an empty room, knowing I have grasped her hand and pulled her in and up from the depths
To look in the mirror and see the only person who makes me complete

it feels like
the effort and love I put forth
is not reciprocated
but I know I too, need my breaks

I can't tell if I am being too forgiving
or too harsh

I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
And I love very, very hard.

I will stand by your side no matter what tides come.
No matter how strong.

But if me leaving will make you better

I will.

I will do anything for you.

But just know I will never find anyone else.

I will wait for you forever.

I would rather die alone than with someone who isn't you by my side.

I don't want to write poetry anymore
I don't want to feel the need to
I just want to be me without feeling the need to explain myself  (mostly for myself since nobody knows I have this site)

I think I was only made to be a mother
But this century is telling me to be more
And I'm scared I can't

This pit in my stomach is a black hole
Threatening to absorb all of the light in my life

I never want them
To know I struggled

They loved me so much

But I want others to know I have struggled despite this love

no matter where you go or who you meet
you one day, at some point find yourself back at home, alone with yourself
and I am trying my damdest to make myself a place I am not afraid of staying alone
I would love actually, one day to find my greatest joy and solitude there (here)

Cigarettes on a wooden porch and it's pouring
And I've got a paperback and half a pack still left
The pages of the paperback are thin and stiff
And give off that smell
Like the rain releasing the scent of the dirt and grass from the earth
Just older

Honey,

I'm home.

I'm meeting myself again and she's beautiful but she's so sad,
I'm scared for her.

I'm sorry to myself for apologizing more than you do when you're the one who should be apologizing.

But you probably don't even remember what you should apologize for since you were drunk now that I'm realizing it, so I guess I can't hold you to those.

I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted of always being the bigger/more mature person with someone I should feel is my partner in this rocky life.

I've always felt like the rock in this relationship.

He sometimes has, but I always have been.

Just when I trust he is, he falls into his lying (about his addictions) and addictions again.

It's draining not to have someone very emotionally dependable.

I know its not his fault.

He has addictions, and mental troubles of his own.

So I never hold him to it, but I am personally feeling the weight of his meanness, his hopelessness.

And to know I can't stop being someone's rock or else they'll break even further than they already have when I already feel like I've broken and need help of my own is getting to be too much.

And I can't get help because I'm worried if people (a therapist or something like that) know he's an addict and I need help with my anxiety again someday CPS might check on us and see if he is a fit parent (if we ever have kids-that's a whole other discussion).

I feel stuck.

So, so stuck.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If he wouldn't get so angry with me I could deal with this so much better.

If we could fight this as a team.

Instead of me fighting for/against him.

when it's been a while since the last time
when the rain broke free from the clouds
and I finally breathe in that rain kissed Earth
my bones sometimes become weak and weep

I too, know the feeling
of having no other choice but to let the water in me seep from what sees and touches this Earth
more often than not, breaking things that have been growing for years
without a thought or a care,

Blind to what stands in front of me.

I may be a horrible person

but maybe the best thing to do is to accept that I am not all bad, or all good

I am just another force of nature

the only difference is

I can control my direction and destruction

if I so choose

I think
There is maybe a mutual understanding
Both for the best interest of ourselves and each other
That we put ourselves first
That we know we'd be okay
Though maybe not quite so happy
If the other left

A part of me thinks this love
May mean more than
The one who'd risk his life because
Without me this man could still live
He just would rather his life with mine in it

you think you know
how loud this voice goes
how low
you haven't the slightest clue
the damage I could do
when you hurt what this heart gaurds

feel like I'm about to get ****** over reall nice
and the worst part is it's my own doing.

Knock knock,
Is anybody home?

Yes, but the doors are locked and the curtains are drawn

You beg me to unlock a window, a door, anything

I've begged myself too

Racked my brain trying to remember how I last found my way to you, bloodied my hands attempting to break my way through

I can just never seem to find a doorway when I most need it

I promise I will let you in when I do

And I hope you understand this is just as painful and frustrating for me as it is for you

I love you💜
I pray you can see it💜

honey, you can't save anyone but yourself and honey,
nobody can save you but yourself.

I am tired of smiling
I am always looking for something to smile for
Any respite from this brain
But just as much because maybe it'll make others happy too

But the corners of my mouth are cramping
Cramping into a grimace

And I am tired of grimacing

I am tired of myself

why do we stay
for people who would not do the same
if we did what they were doing to us
to them?

I want to be chosen

Not by default

I don't want to be your only option

Because it makes me feel like you love me less for who I am

And more for the empty space I fill in your heart

I don't trust that I am your top choice

Honestly you've proven to me many times that I'm not, I just refused to admit it

But now I will.

I choose myself.

I don't need you to.

Dear,

Do you even know who I am?

Did you even really care to find out or just need a companion?


Dear,

Do you even know who he is?

Did you even really care to find out or just need a companion?

I refuse to, but
I want to drink very much at the moment
There is something about the dulling of my senses that helps make me feel more present
Finally, not feeling overstimulated
Distracted by my own morbid imagination
I just want to be normal
And sometimes it feels like it's the magic potion
But I know it's really poison
So I refuse to sip
(But goodness can I hear that clock tick, reminding me of every moment I waste white knuckling through the present)

I don't want to be like this

Hopeless for no good reason
Anxious for nothing
Sitting on my *** worrying myself to bits when I know for a fact getting up and doing something would help

I'm sorry

Sometimes it feels safer to stay where you know the eggshells are because, well, at least you know where they are
And if you line your ducks up just right
You might make it out the door and onto the other side for a little while

And some days the other side seems like a place where I may not have to tip toe anymore

But on others the other side is most likely riddled with invisible eggshells

What if they're sharper than the ones I've become used to, what if I ****** up my feet irreparably?

What if, what if what if

****** or not

I'm taking off running💜

I really think sometimes
I was born to be an artist

This brain
This heart
These sleepless nights

But these hands
Tremble through every art piece
And spasm across strings
throat or instrument
And the words I write
I know, aren't as good as they feel getting out

But
I must remember
That's what art is
Art is your soul escaping you

Even if the end product, you can't stand to look at or listen to

Art is soul escaping from body

And if you

Or I in this matter

Can't appreciate that

Well, you thought you knew what art was

But you don't

Let myself go?
I have been fighting to live
Not just survive
So if a couple of pounds is my punishment
I will take it
With a side of fries

everything has the potential to break
even diamonds do

please, don't try to convince me otherwise

I wish I could make you understand

How much I trust you

But also how much I love you

And how much I worry

When you slur your words
or your "tells" come out.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to accuse you but I don't want to let you slip back into being addicted to something

I wish I had the brain and the heart to sleuth it out.

But I'm too tired right now.

And I am so sorry for the both of us.

I will lick my own wounds, but thank you
nobody else has seemed to get a handle of it

I lick until there's no blood left
Then some
Then some more
Until I'm bleeding again

I don't know why but,
Sometimes when I get a cut
I crave the taste of blood

you are not the sun and I will bloom without you.

avoidance
isolation

my protector
my savior

and the knife that cuts too deeply the softest parts of me

i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be

I now find myself feeling a bit ill, when I'm complimented on my
words, touch or skill
I fear they are all to love of me
and someone (a little voice in my head)
told me today
that your truest loves would love you even if you could do nothing but sit still

but I still find myself being scared of not being enough
though I am constantly moving

I remember in third grade
My perception snapped as if suddenly waking from dream (this dream being childhood)
I realized I was wider both ways than the girls in my class I found my gaze linger on
So I began to hold in my stomach at all times
Bedtime became uncomfortable due to being unused to relaxed muscles
Feeling failure flood me every centimeter that grew between my spine and my belly button

When I asked myself why exactly I'm still doing it, knowing beauty isn't the most important thing in the world and that I am tired and uncomfortable
I hear my brain answer
"Well, it'd be rude not to", and though I know it isn't true, I can't imagine filling this belly with air without the feeling of flooding.

I have some more to work on.