Let myself go?
I have been fighting to live
Not just survive
So if a couple of pounds is my punishment
I will take it
With a side of fries

I keep telling myself
Other people's problems are more important than my own

And here I sit at 25

Nothing (or at least it feels/looks to an outsider) accomplished, except maybe extend a couple lives a little longer

This seemed of greater importance than some cash in my bank account or pocket.

But I wish job applications would accept this experience, because otherwise the gaps in my years of work make me look like a failure.

i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be

I will lick my own wounds, but thank you
nobody else has seemed to get a handle of it

I lick until there's no blood left
Then some
Then some more
Until I'm bleeding again

I don't know why but,
Sometimes when I get a cut
I crave the taste of blood

I think I’ll be alright

Maybe my cards will play out right

But it’s the fear that they won’t

That keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won’t


Oh, anxiety

I hope you humor yourself because you sure as hell don’t humor me

Letter to my body and soul:

I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I can't believe you guys are still there for me despite how I've treated you.

Thank you.

His words were flowers disguised as bullets
And she spoke in flowers that hid the knives beneath her tongue
And they lived like this until she could no longer hold the taste of blood in her mouth

I really think sometimes
I was born to be an artist

This brain
This heart
These sleepless nights

But these hands
Tremble through every art piece
And spasm across strings
throat or instrument
And the words I write
I know, aren't as good as they feel getting out

But
I must remember
That's what art is
Art is your soul escaping you

Even if the end product, you can't stand to look at or listen to

Art is soul escaping from body

And if you

Or I in this matter

Can't appreciate that

Well, you thought you knew what art was

But you don't

you are not the sun and I will bloom without you.

"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again

I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.

What can you do for a friend
Whose life they feel is unraveling in their hands
But hold them strong until they get their head above the depths

This isn't good enough for me
I can't sleep knowing there is suffering

I am so scared though,
I'm running out of energy
To even make myself smile
I feel every centimeter as if it is a mile
And my check engine light is broken

I remember in third grade
My perception snapped as if suddenly waking from dream (this dream being childhood)
I realized I was wider both ways than the girls in my class I found my gaze linger on
So I began to hold in my stomach at all times
Bedtime became uncomfortable due to being unused to relaxed muscles
Feeling failure flood me every centimeter that grew between my spine and my belly button

When I asked myself why exactly I'm still doing it, knowing beauty isn't the most important thing in the world and that I am tired and uncomfortable
I hear my brain answer
"Well, it'd be rude not to", and though I know it isn't true, I can't imagine filling this belly with air without the feeling of flooding.

I have some more to work on.

cigarettes
brown liquor
paperbacks
a view of some woods
some rain
maybe a cup of tea

Tell me that you miss me
That I'm not the only one who would find my mind drifting to the scent of your soap scrubbed skin fresh out of the shower
The gentleness with which you cupped my cheek
The stolen kisses that upon looking back, feel more like a fever dream than a memory
Tell me, I am not the only one who felt the magick I can't help but to believe may be found only between two loves who once shared a soul

Sometimes I think my long (ish) lost love has come back
That maybe she realized we were good together
We could be by each other's sides forever

That maybe we both realized we didn't need men to be princesses or queens

But I feel hesitant

Because she is too much like me

Locking onto a person who forces her to become a better being

And what if we can't hold each other accountable for what we want to be held accountable to be?

I love her too much

I can't even risk the possibly

but I don't want to
live like this
forever
anymore

Oh
I'm just so original
And quirky
And "not like the other girls"

Oh I'm just so sad,
So sad
So, so sad.

I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own

When you black out drunk with a nice guy/this guy you can't really stand when he's drunk/he drinks a bit/a bit too much
And you congratulate yourself for not sleeping with him in your drunken state
And then he texts you the next day
"Are you on birth control?"
And your stomach drops
And you're compelled to ask
"Why..I blacked out..did we sleep together?"
And your phone buzzes
And you get the "yeah lol"
And your self throbs with the echoes of yesterday's mistakes
And your grip on this world ends and you need to find your footing again, again

I miss you
I might always
But maybe we're best for each other when there's a little distance between us

Too close and I can't tell where your tears begin and mine end

I fear together we'd drown

we sit across each other in a restaurant, amber-lit and quiet like a tawny dusk
glasses sweating, limbs loosening
i smile like the moon and like an unfortunate dawn her name unfolds across your lips
you say, in not so many words, "you are deep too, but her, she was different"
the words of my therapist ring in my ears, "you've curated a seamless mask for yourself; i can't express how grateful I am to be the one person you've let in behind it"
should i let you in? i thought i already had
but surely then you'd know I am a black hole, how could this girl have been any more, any less?
perhaps it is because she could put words to her thoughts and feelings but i just find myself swimming in silence
i am left in sudden darkness
when i realize that she may be your sun
and even if not
i am a moon
and it appears you need light just as much as i do
maybe we just were not made for one another

I do not need to bare my teeth to be happy
You can never see or know how hard my soul smiles

when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift

I hope I don't die tonight
I just don't feel right
I've had half a pint and I'm feeling not right

I had a xanax too, but it was split through the night
All in an effort to feel alright

But here I sit in plight

Knowing tomorrow I'll regret what I let happen tonight

Even if I feel good enough to run a mile in 5 minutes tomorrow, I know what I did tonight isn't right

I'm sorry brain and body
I know what I'm doing to you isn't right

I've lived too many lives

Been too many different people

I just want to figure out what my life looks like, and live it

Figure out who I am, and be her

It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.

Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river

I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)

stop mocking me
clock in the corner of my eye
i know what time it is
far too late
or
far too early

(but which one?)

whichever haunts you most

there's something about rawness
i can't help but plunge my fingers into
even though I know it'd be best to just let it heal

You know what

Take it

Just take it

Take all that I have left
Swallow it
And **** it out

Tell me
It upset your stomach

While I stand with ****** hands hiding the hole in my chest

Hello
I am
The ugly friend
Would you like to fall in love with me
And then leave me when you meet the souls of the goddesses I am so lucky to call my friends?

would you ever expect a girl who loves so hard
to hate herself?
or would it be very obvious?