I now find myself feeling a bit ill, when I'm complimented on my
words, touch or skill
I fear they are all to love of me
and someone (a little voice in my head)
told me today
that your truest loves would love you even if you could do nothing but sit still

but I still find myself being scared of not being enough
though I am constantly moving

His words were flowers disguised as bullets
And she spoke in flowers that hid the knives beneath her tongue
And they lived like this until she could no longer hold the taste of blood in her mouth

Letter to my body and soul:

I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I can't believe you guys are still there for me despite how I've treated you.

Thank you.

What can you do for a friend
Whose life they feel is unraveling in their hands
But hold them strong until they get their head above the depths

This isn't good enough for me
I can't sleep knowing there is suffering

I am so scared though,
I'm running out of energy
To even make myself smile
I feel every centimeter as if it is a mile
And my check engine light is broken

I want nothing more in this world than to have a family

It's been my dream since I was probably too young to be thinking of such things

But I waited, and now at 24, the naivety that made that future glow seems to be dimming

Sometimes I don't know if I want to put children on this Earth

Knowing what they will have to witness on the news
Knowing they could be part of those events too

That they will likely need to work their butts off until they die
And all I can do is pray they can find a job they halfway like

Knowing there's a good chance I'm going to be working at a job that may make me not be able to be as present for them as I'd like to be, just so I can make enough money for their dad and I to make ends meet; I always hoped to be a stay at home mom and make them my priority

I want the best for them, and although I'd do my best, I still feel guilty that they'd have to experience the inevitable darkness in this world at one point or another

Is it selfish to bring kids into this world that we live in?

I want
a husband
a family
roots.

but it seems that just as much of the time I find myself dreaming of
living alone in the woods

a feather in the wind

When you black out drunk with a nice guy/this guy you can't really stand when he's drunk/he drinks a bit/a bit too much
And you congratulate yourself for not sleeping with him in your drunken state
And then he texts you the next day
"Are you on birth control?"
And your stomach drops
And you're compelled to ask
"Why..I blacked out..did we sleep together?"
And your phone buzzes
And you get the "yeah lol"
And your self throbs with the echoes of yesterday's mistakes
And your grip on this world ends and you need to find your footing again, again

I'm sad I can't tell you

The lack of stability here has made it harder for me to get wet

Because it will just make things more unstable

And it will just make you feel bad, and drink more

And make me less wet

And so on,

And so forth.

but I don't want to
live like this
forever
anymore

cigarettes
brown liquor
paperbacks
a view of some woods
some rain
maybe a cup of tea

I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own

I think I’ll be alright

Maybe my cards will play out right

But it’s the fear that they won’t

That keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won’t


Oh, anxiety

I hope you humor yourself because you sure as hell don’t humor me

we sit across each other in a restaurant, amber-lit and quiet like a tawny dusk
glasses sweating, limbs loosening
i smile like the moon and like an unfortunate dawn her name unfolds across your lips
you say, in not so many words, "you are deep too, but her, she was different"
the words of my therapist ring in my ears, "you've curated a seamless mask for yourself; i can't express how grateful I am to be the one person you've let in behind it"
should i let you in? i thought i already had
but surely then you'd know I am a black hole, how could this girl have been any more, any less?
perhaps it is because she could put words to her thoughts and feelings but i just find myself swimming in silence
i am left in sudden darkness
when i realize that she may be your sun
and even if not
i am a moon
and it appears you need light just as much as i do
maybe we just were not made for one another

Tell me that you miss me
That I'm not the only one who would find my mind drifting to the scent of your soap scrubbed skin fresh out of the shower
The gentleness with which you cupped my cheek
The stolen kisses that upon looking back, feel more like a fever dream than a memory
Tell me, I am not the only one who felt the magick I can't help but to believe may be found only between two loves who once shared a soul

when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift

I keep telling myself
Other people's problems are more important than my own

And here I sit at 25

Nothing (or at least it feels/looks to an outsider) accomplished, except maybe extend a couple lives a little longer

This seemed of greater importance than some cash in my bank account or pocket.

But I wish job applications would accept this experience, because otherwise the gaps in my years of work make me look like a failure.

I do not need to bare my teeth to be happy
You can never see or know how hard my soul smiles

I've never felt such a great depression and oddly, a calm acceptance in my life.

I won't bring children here if they are bound to be the same.

Suffer the same.

How could I know for sure this will be their fate?

But, also, if I truly love them, how could I even risk it?

I never imagined life without raising a family

But I refuse to make little souls suffer for my dream.

Excuse my French, but ******* anxiety.

"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again

Sometimes I think my long (ish) lost love has come back
That maybe she realized we were good together
We could be by each other's sides forever

That maybe we both realized we didn't need men to be princesses or queens

But I feel hesitant

Because she is too much like me

Locking onto a person who forces her to become a better being

And what if we can't hold each other accountable for what we want to be held accountable to be?

I love her too much

I can't even risk the possibly

Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river

stop mocking me
clock in the corner of my eye
i know what time it is
far too late
or
far too early

(but which one?)

whichever haunts you most

I haven't felt the ground beneath my feet
The wind tickle my skin
For more than a moment since I can't remember when

Unless I try, very, very hard

And all that trying takes a little of the magic away

It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.

I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.

I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)

Hello
I am
The ugly friend
Would you like to fall in love with me
And then leave me when you meet the souls of the goddesses I am so lucky to call my friends?

Should I get a Brazilian **** lift?

Nope.

When I explained to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about the size of my ****, and he said he loved it and it was perfect the way it was, but if I wanted to change it I could do x,y and z,

Did that mean he didn't like my **** the way it was?

Nope.

But thats how I heard it.

I hate you brain.

would you ever expect a girl who loves so hard
to hate herself?
or would it be very obvious?

there's something about rawness
i can't help but plunge my fingers into
even though I know it'd be best to just let it heal

Oh
I'm just so original
And quirky
And "not like the other girls"

Oh I'm just so sad,
So sad
So, so sad.

I've lived too many lives

Been too many different people

I just want to figure out what my life looks like, and live it

Figure out who I am, and be her

You know what

Take it

Just take it

Take all that I have left
Swallow it
And **** it out

Tell me
It upset your stomach

While I stand with ****** hands hiding the hole in my chest

I hope I don't die tonight
I just don't feel right
I've had half a pint and I'm feeling not right

I had a xanax too, but it was split through the night
All in an effort to feel alright

But here I sit in plight

Knowing tomorrow I'll regret what I let happen tonight

Even if I feel good enough to run a mile in 5 minutes tomorrow, I know what I did tonight isn't right

I'm sorry brain and body
I know what I'm doing to you isn't right