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135 · Feb 2018
Untitled
Cassie Feb 2018
Let myself go?
I have been fighting to live
Not just survive
So if a couple of pounds is my punishment
I will take it
With a side of fries
134 · Sep 2020
"life-saver"
Cassie Sep 2020
I keep telling myself
Other people's problems are more important than my own

And here I sit at 25

Nothing (or at least it feels/looks to an outsider) accomplished, except maybe extend a couple lives a little longer

This seemed of greater importance than some cash in my bank account or pocket.

But I wish job applications would accept this experience, because otherwise the gaps in my years of work make me look like a failure.
133 · Jan 2018
strength in softness
Cassie Jan 2018
i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be
132 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Cassie Sep 2018
I will lick my own wounds, but thank you
nobody else has seemed to get a handle of it

I lick until there's no blood left
Then some
Then some more
Until I'm bleeding again

I don't know why but,
Sometimes when I get a cut
I crave the taste of blood
For some reason, the only way I deal with things is on my own (until I've been stuck in my head for so many days and I break down and let someone else in). I think it's caused more harm than good to be honest.

Also, for some reason when I find myself in a bad spot mentally, I sometimes can't help but spin/wallow in it. It feels like a part of me that I've been trying to hide, so I sort of give in and listen to sad/moody music and poetry and whatnot. And then I'll end up getting emotional over the songs/words on top of already feeling emotional/down. Just something weird I do (and I feel like a lot of others do too).
131 · Jun 2020
Schrodinger's Syndrome
Cassie Jun 2020
I think I’ll be alright

Maybe my cards will play out right

But it’s the fear that they won’t

That keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won’t


Oh, anxiety

I hope you humor yourself because you sure as hell don’t humor me
A little confusing, but when I put "keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won't", I mean the possibility that things won't turn out badly since I'm so used to thinking the worst is going to happen.
128 · Jul 2018
Untitled
Cassie Jul 2018
Letter to my body and soul:

I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I can't believe you guys are still there for me despite how I've treated you.

Thank you.
128 · Mar 2018
Untitled
Cassie Mar 2018
His words were flowers disguised as bullets
And she spoke in flowers that hid the knives beneath her tongue
And they lived like this until she could no longer hold the taste of blood in her mouth
125 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Cassie Sep 2018
I really think sometimes
I was born to be an artist

This brain
This heart
These sleepless nights

But these hands
Tremble through every art piece
And spasm across strings
throat or instrument
And the words I write
I know, aren't as good as they feel getting out

But
I must remember
That's what art is
Art is your soul escaping you

Even if the end product, you can't stand to look at or listen to

Art is soul escaping from body

And if you

Or I in this matter

Can't appreciate that

Well, you thought you knew what art was

But you don't
124 · May 2017
Untitled
Cassie May 2017
you are not the sun and I will bloom without you.
124 · Mar 2018
Untitled
Cassie Mar 2018
"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again
121 · Oct 2020
professional mover
Cassie Oct 2020
I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.
121 · Sep 2017
Untitled
Cassie Sep 2017
What can you do for a friend
Whose life they feel is unraveling in their hands
But hold them strong until they get their head above the depths

This isn't good enough for me
I can't sleep knowing there is suffering

I am so scared though,
I'm running out of energy
To even make myself smile
I feel every centimeter as if it is a mile
And my check engine light is broken
120 · Sep 2017
Untitled
Cassie Sep 2017
I remember in third grade
My perception snapped as if suddenly waking from dream (this dream being childhood)
I realized I was wider both ways than the girls in my class I found my gaze linger on
So I began to hold in my stomach at all times
Bedtime became uncomfortable due to being unused to relaxed muscles
Feeling failure flood me every centimeter that grew between my spine and my belly button

When I asked myself why exactly I'm still doing it, knowing beauty isn't the most important thing in the world and that I am tired and uncomfortable
I hear my brain answer
"Well, it'd be rude not to", and though I know it isn't true, I can't imagine filling this belly with air without the feeling of flooding.

I have some more to work on.
Cassie Oct 2018
cigarettes
brown liquor
paperbacks
a view of some woods
some rain
maybe a cup of tea
my brain is buzzing with fall
118 · Aug 2017
Untitled
Cassie Aug 2017
Tell me that you miss me
That I'm not the only one who would find my mind drifting to the scent of your soap scrubbed skin fresh out of the shower
The gentleness with which you cupped my cheek
The stolen kisses that upon looking back, feel more like a fever dream than a memory
Tell me, I am not the only one who felt the magick I can't help but to believe may be found only between two loves who once shared a soul
117 · Mar 2020
Untitled
Cassie Mar 2020
Sometimes I think my long (ish) lost love has come back
That maybe she realized we were good together
We could be by each other's sides forever

That maybe we both realized we didn't need men to be princesses or queens

But I feel hesitant

Because she is too much like me

Locking onto a person who forces her to become a better being

And what if we can't hold each other accountable for what we want to be held accountable to be?

I love her too much

I can't even risk the possibly
116 · Aug 2018
terrible 20s
Cassie Aug 2018
but I don't want to
live like this
forever
anymore
116 · Oct 2020
Untitled
Cassie Oct 2020
Oh
I'm just so original
And quirky
And "not like the other girls"

Oh I'm just so sad,
So sad
So, so sad.
free writing, so may not be my best.

I find myself at a stance between being too heavy and being too light.
115 · Jan 2018
Untitled
Cassie Jan 2018
I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own
114 · Dec 2017
Untitled
Cassie Dec 2017
When you black out drunk with a nice guy/this guy you can't really stand when he's drunk/he drinks a bit/a bit too much
And you congratulate yourself for not sleeping with him in your drunken state
And then he texts you the next day
"Are you on birth control?"
And your stomach drops
And you're compelled to ask
"Why..I blacked out..did we sleep together?"
And your phone buzzes
And you get the "yeah lol"
And your self throbs with the echoes of yesterday's mistakes
And your grip on this world ends and you need to find your footing again, again
Too bad I'm not a guy so I can take pride in this (I mean hey, I had ***, that's not a bad thing, the drinking was the bad thing, yet I hold the most shame in the ***).
114 · Aug 2018
Untitled
Cassie Aug 2018
I miss you
I might always
But maybe we're best for each other when there's a little distance between us

Too close and I can't tell where your tears begin and mine end

I fear together we'd drown
113 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Cassie Nov 2017
we sit across each other in a restaurant, amber-lit and quiet like a tawny dusk
glasses sweating, limbs loosening
i smile like the moon and like an unfortunate dawn her name unfolds across your lips
you say, in not so many words, "you are deep too, but her, she was different"
the words of my therapist ring in my ears, "you've curated a seamless mask for yourself; i can't express how grateful I am to be the one person you've let in behind it"
should i let you in? i thought i already had
but surely then you'd know I am a black hole, how could this girl have been any more, any less?
perhaps it is because she could put words to her thoughts and feelings but i just find myself swimming in silence
i am left in sudden darkness
when i realize that she may be your sun
and even if not
i am a moon
and it appears you need light just as much as i do
maybe we just were not made for one another
111 · Dec 2017
soul smiles
Cassie Dec 2017
I do not need to bare my teeth to be happy
You can never see or know how hard my soul smiles
110 · Aug 2018
Untitled
Cassie Aug 2018
when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift
106 · Aug 2020
6 month slip up
Cassie Aug 2020
I hope I don't die tonight
I just don't feel right
I've had half a pint and I'm feeling not right

I had a xanax too, but it was split through the night
All in an effort to feel alright

But here I sit in plight

Knowing tomorrow I'll regret what I let happen tonight

Even if I feel good enough to run a mile in 5 minutes tomorrow, I know what I did tonight isn't right

I'm sorry brain and body
I know what I'm doing to you isn't right
I've been doing really well not drinking and tapering off xanax the past 6 months. Was pretty disappointed in myself for slipping up and getting drunk, and doing it with my nightly xanax dose. In case anyone doesn't know, apparently you can die from mixing the two. Been under so much stress, I'm honestly surprised I didn't slip up sooner. This just further confirmed that I can't have a lot available to drink when I'm under extreme stress, because I end up drinking too much since I feel like if I drink enough, I can escape my anxiety for a night. Also, this was written drunk so, that's also clearly not true haha.
102 · Dec 2017
Untitled
102 · Jul 2020
Untitled
Cassie Jul 2020
I've lived too many lives

Been too many different people

I just want to figure out what my life looks like, and live it

Figure out who I am, and be her
102 · May 2018
Untitled
Cassie May 2018
It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.
101 · Aug 2018
Untitled
Cassie Aug 2018
Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river
98 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Cassie Nov 2017
I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)
98 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Cassie Nov 2017
stop mocking me
clock in the corner of my eye
i know what time it is
far too late
or
far too early

(but which one?)

whichever haunts you most
97 · Mar 2018
Untitled
Cassie Mar 2018
there's something about rawness
i can't help but plunge my fingers into
even though I know it'd be best to just let it heal
96 · May 2018
Untitled
Cassie May 2018
You know what

Take it

Just take it

Take all that I have left
Swallow it
And **** it out

Tell me
It upset your stomach

While I stand with ****** hands hiding the hole in my chest
96 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Cassie Nov 2017
Hello
I am
The ugly friend
Would you like to fall in love with me
And then leave me when you meet the souls of the goddesses I am so lucky to call my friends?
93 · Dec 2017
Untitled
Cassie Dec 2017
would you ever expect a girl who loves so hard
to hate herself?
or would it be very obvious?
90 · Dec 2017
Untitled

— The End —