Sometimes it feels safer to stay where you know the eggshells are because, well, at least you know where they are
And if you line your ducks up just right
You might make it out the door and onto the other side for a little while

And some days the other side seems like a place where I may not have to tip toe anymore

But on others the other side is most likely riddled with invisible eggshells

What if they're sharper than the ones I've become used to, what if I ****** up my feet irreparably?

What if, what if what if

****** or not

I'm taking off running💜

There's a special place in my heart for people like you

The one that makes me not trust genuinely nice people

The one that makes me feel like I will never be good enough

The one that makes me feel undeserving of love

You called me **** drunk again and asked me if I ever thought maybe I'd died and this was the afterlife

I said no

Not because I was done with your "pseudo-deep" questions and theories

Like you telling me how hard it is to be an empath after you got done ******* on me

But because I didn't want to tell you what I really thought

If there is an afterlife, you'd think it'd be kind of fair at least. I've done nothing to deserve this level of hell.

The level of hell you cornered me into.

Knock knock,
Is anybody home?

Yes, but the doors are locked and the curtains are drawn

You beg me to unlock a window, a door, anything

I've begged myself too

Racked my brain trying to remember how I last found my way to you, bloodied my hands attempting to break my way through

I can just never seem to find a doorway when I most need it

I promise I will let you in when I do

And I hope you understand this is just as painful and frustrating for me as it is for you

I love you💜
I pray you can see it💜

I want to be chosen

Not by default

I don't want to be your only option

Because it makes me feel like you love me less for who I am

And more for the empty space I fill in your heart

I don't trust that I am your top choice

Honestly you've proven to me many times that I'm not, I just refused to admit it

But now I will.

I choose myself.

I don't need you to.

Maybe I can be the girl you want me to be

If I always get a chance to fall asleep after you so I get a chance to cry and comfort myself if I need to

If you look away long enough for me to sneak a chill pill

If you can accept my tenseness because I'm too afraid to shake in front of you

If you can take me slowly changing, losing my kindness and softness

To cater to your calloused heart

And probably, all of this would still not be enough

Are you the enemy
Dressed in sheep's clothing

Or just a scared sheep baring its teeth
That my eyes mistook for a wolf

I don't know

I don't know

Dear,

Do you even know who I am?

Did you even really care to find out or just need a companion?


Dear,

Do you even know who he is?

Did you even really care to find out or just need a companion?

I've never felt such a great depression and oddly, a calm acceptance in my life.

I won't bring children here if they are bound to be the same.

Suffer the same.

How could I know for sure this will be their fate?

But, also, if I truly love them, how could I even risk it?

I never imagined life without raising a family

But I refuse to make little souls suffer for my dream.

Excuse my French, but ******* anxiety.

Oh
I'm just so original
And quirky
And "not like the other girls"

Oh I'm just so sad,
So sad
So, so sad.

I am too easily moved.

Too easily intrigued
Horrified, overjoyed or disturbed

Too loving,
Too cold, too heated

Just give me a push and baby, I'm on my way.

I want
a husband
a family
roots.

but it seems that just as much of the time I find myself dreaming of
living alone in the woods

a feather in the wind

I'm sorry to myself for apologizing more than you do when you're the one who should be apologizing.

But you probably don't even remember what you should apologize for since you were drunk now that I'm realizing it, so I guess I can't hold you to those.

I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted of always being the bigger/more mature person with someone I should feel is my partner in this rocky life.

I've always felt like the rock in this relationship.

He sometimes has, but I always have been.

Just when I trust he is, he falls into his lying (about his addictions) and addictions again.

It's draining not to have someone very emotionally dependable.

I know its not his fault.

He has addictions, and mental troubles of his own.

So I never hold him to it, but I am personally feeling the weight of his meanness, his hopelessness.

And to know I can't stop being someone's rock or else they'll break even further than they already have when I already feel like I've broken and need help of my own is getting to be too much.

And I can't get help because I'm worried if people (a therapist or something like that) know he's an addict and I need help with my anxiety again someday CPS might check on us and see if he is a fit parent (if we ever have kids-that's a whole other discussion).

I feel stuck.

So, so stuck.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If he wouldn't get so angry with me I could deal with this so much better.

If we could fight this as a team.

Instead of me fighting for/against him.

I'm sad I can't tell you

The lack of stability here has made it harder for me to get wet

Because it will just make things more unstable

And it will just make you feel bad, and drink more

And make me less wet

And so on,

And so forth.

I keep telling myself
Other people's problems are more important than my own

And here I sit at 25

Nothing (or at least it feels/looks to an outsider) accomplished, except maybe extend a couple lives a little longer

This seemed of greater importance than some cash in my bank account or pocket.

But I wish job applications would accept this experience, because otherwise the gaps in my years of work make me look like a failure.

Should I get a Brazilian **** lift?

Nope.

When I explained to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about the size of my ****, and he said he loved it and it was perfect the way it was, but if I wanted to change it I could do x,y and z,

Did that mean he didn't like my **** the way it was?

Nope.

But thats how I heard it.

I hate you brain.

I hope I don't die tonight
I just don't feel right
I've had half a pint and I'm feeling not right

I had a xanax too, but it was split through the night
All in an effort to feel alright

But here I sit in plight

Knowing tomorrow I'll regret what I let happen tonight

Even if I feel good enough to run a mile in 5 minutes tomorrow, I know what I did tonight isn't right

I'm sorry brain and body
I know what I'm doing to you isn't right

I've lived too many lives

Been too many different people

I just want to figure out what my life looks like, and live it

Figure out who I am, and be her

I haven't felt the ground beneath my feet
The wind tickle my skin
For more than a moment since I can't remember when

Unless I try, very, very hard

And all that trying takes a little of the magic away

I think I’ll be alright

Maybe my cards will play out right

But it’s the fear that they won’t

That keeps me from enjoying the possibility that they won’t


Oh, anxiety

I hope you humor yourself because you sure as hell don’t humor me

Sometimes I think my long (ish) lost love has come back
That maybe she realized we were good together
We could be by each other's sides forever

That maybe we both realized we didn't need men to be princesses or queens

But I feel hesitant

Because she is too much like me

Locking onto a person who forces her to become a better being

And what if we can't hold each other accountable for what we want to be held accountable to be?

I love her too much

I can't even risk the possibly

I want nothing more in this world than to have a family

It's been my dream since I was probably too young to be thinking of such things

But I waited, and now at 24, the naivety that made that future glow seems to be dimming

Sometimes I don't know if I want to put children on this Earth

Knowing what they will have to witness on the news
Knowing they could be part of those events too

That they will likely need to work their butts off until they die
And all I can do is pray they can find a job they halfway like

Knowing there's a good chance I'm going to be working at a job that may make me not be able to be as present for them as I'd like to be, just so I can make enough money for their dad and I to make ends meet; I always hoped to be a stay at home mom and make them my priority

I want the best for them, and although I'd do my best, I still feel guilty that they'd have to experience the inevitable darkness in this world at one point or another

Is it selfish to bring kids into this world that we live in?

I saw bars around me and thought "prison"
Just realized it was a cradle
And I could climb out whenever I decided to

I refuse to, but
I want to drink very much at the moment
There is something about the dulling of my senses that helps make me feel more present
Finally, not feeling overstimulated
Distracted by my own morbid imagination
I just want to be normal
And sometimes it feels like it's the magic potion
But I know it's really poison
So I refuse to sip
(But goodness can I hear that clock tick, reminding me of every moment I waste white knuckling through the present)

I am tired of smiling
I am always looking for something to smile for
Any respite from this brain
But just as much because maybe it'll make others happy too

But the corners of my mouth are cramping
Cramping into a grimace

And I am tired of grimacing

I am tired of myself

I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
And I love very, very hard.

I will stand by your side no matter what tides come.
No matter how strong.

But if me leaving will make you better

I will.

I will do anything for you.

But just know I will never find anyone else.

I will wait for you forever.

I would rather die alone than with someone who isn't you by my side.

I wish I could make you understand

How much I trust you

But also how much I love you

And how much I worry

When you slur your words
or your "tells" come out.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to accuse you but I don't want to let you slip back into being addicted to something

I wish I had the brain and the heart to sleuth it out.

But I'm too tired right now.

And I am so sorry for the both of us.

That body wash
That deodorant
That perfume

Used to be the only kinds I used

Now I can't stand the smell of them

I thought maybe it was because they reminded me of you

But I just realized it's because

They reek of a time I was trying so hard to bloom while I was wilting

I hate how I feel so unlistened to at times
Yet sometimes I'm so focused on being listened to
That I don't listen to others

It's the alcohol
It's the medication
It's my sleep schedule

It's my coping mechanisms
My habits
My thought processes

It's just me.
Myself.
And these.

I can't write when I want to
Only when I need to

I want to be tiny

Tinier than my bones will let me
But still, I've tried

And even after knowing this
Try again sometimes in anxious times

When I'm having trouble finding happiness within me
I think maybe, a little less of me will make me happy

So I skip the meals, feel the butterflies when I see that number go down

Then look in the mirror maybe a week later and notice
I miss certain parts of me being fuller

Find myself even less attractive without them being that way than I did feeling "too chubby"

I've come to the conclusion that my body is not the problem

It's my brain

It will always find something wrong

Though I came to this conclusion years ago, it has taken me this long to refuse to give it what it wants

And just give my body what it's begging for

I refuse to ever use starving myself as a shortcut to "happiness" ever again.

I'm stronger than you think, you know.

I will bloom despite the snow.

I don't want to write poetry anymore
I don't want to feel the need to
I just want to be me without feeling the need to explain myself  (mostly for myself since nobody knows I have this site)

hell now is a place that once tasted a lot like heaven
I'm burning up in rays I once basked in

thoughts that prevent me:

oh ****,
really?
get over it
get over yourself

It feels good to get these thoughts out at times but I'm scared in the wrong hands (with someone with a mind like mine), they could run through a person's mind almost like a negative mantra? But it's not true. You get over things in your own time and you're not a selfish/bad person for having a rough time.

It's funny
Maybe a bit ironic
That I've cared so much about having a perfect appearance in the past
That I am now completely uninterested in trying to look even presentable
If I cannot find the energy to put into looking my best
If I can't muster it, I put no energy in

Anything half-assed and I feel I look like a joke, and I feel more embarrassed than going makeupless

I know I'm being needlessly rough on myself
But at times, I think, not rough enough

A battle,
It always seems to be a battle
Between polar opposites

it feels like
the effort and love I put forth
is not reciprocated
but I know I too, need my breaks

I can't tell if I am being too forgiving
or too harsh

it's odd to think
some people love cherries, or rainy days, or the quiet
and others despise those things

how can some people hate what others love, and vice versa?

little girl
I am so sorry
for being so cruel
I don't know what's wrong with my head
but it just seemed like the right thing to do
but now you're all grown up
and broken in two

everything has the potential to break
even diamonds do

please, don't try to convince me otherwise

I always catch myself thinking
If only, I were more beautiful
I would be loved more, let go less easily
But, for some reason it took me until today to realize that
I would be just as unhappy
Just as scared that they would leave
Because what if, one day, I were no longer beautiful?

And there we sat
Strained against the woodgrain
Eyes, limbs
And I can't remember the words that left your lips
But everything in me wanted to stay forever and never have met you all at once
And I slammed our story shut quicker than I could slam the door to that tiny apartment

I'm sorry we couldn't be what we thought we could be

I'm sorry I refuse to open that door ever again

I don't want to be like this

Hopeless for no good reason
Anxious for nothing
Sitting on my *** worrying myself to bits when I know for a fact getting up and doing something would help

I'm sorry

Cigarettes on a wooden porch and it's pouring
And I've got a paperback and half a pack still left
The pages of the paperback are thin and stiff
And give off that smell
Like the rain releasing the scent of the dirt and grass from the earth
Just older

Honey,

I'm home.

I'm too sensitive for others

Sometimes I just think I'd be better off alone for the rest of my years

It feels like
If we didn't drink or smoke
You'd maybe hate me
And I'd maybe just cope

You told me this isn't true, though
And trust me,
I'm trying my hardest to believe you

Don't know why
But sometimes
I just want to die
And then I wake up the next morning
Thankful the pills and drink didn't take

I honestly don't want my people's world to quake
With the mistake of my bad decision
I'll stay here and try to make revisions
But I'm just not so sure they'll do the trick
I'm sorry if I leave you before my time has ticked

But I really do hate the bitter taste that will be left in their mouths
So I refuse to take it

I hate being like this

I don't want my people to feel neglected, ever
But I don't always have the energy, the right amount of sanity, to be there for both them and myself
Without driving myself borderline crazy, without running myself into the ground
So I can't decide whether or not
To slip quietly out of their lives
For both their sake and mine
Because I don't want to be undependable, they deserve more
But when I try to be there for them and myself, I just can't seem to help but drive myself into the floor

I hope they understand my absence is in no way their fault

the number you wanted
you got it
so just smile and be thankful

finally, happiness after all of that truly unnecessary amount of stress.

and for what?

a step closer to perfection?

that's a painful journey with no destination

you thought this would sustain your happiness for longer than a breath
but after that sigh of relief you find yourself striving even harder still
towards

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